27 April 2013

155: Day 12 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - The Truth behind the Positive

Continuing on the 21 day breathing challenge and the process in general in the last few days, where I have really tested in terms of who I am in each moment of each day and how/when I use breathing, I have really seen some shit behind the picture. Overall I have expressed myself to be a 'positive' person, where besides the fact that I believed thinking/acting only positive would create this in my world and reality - in general my general expression outwards has been positive, where people say, "you always see the bright side." And yes, I do see how I do that, go to see the positive of something. But what I have come to see in the last few days, with going to the aboslute extreme of positivity within my mind, is the negative that is fueling this whole point. The addiction I go into attempting to seek/gain/posses the positive feelings that I thrive off of are coming straight out of absolute hell I inflict on myself internally.

I don't know if I would have ever seen this truth of me without the support I have been given in this process, however I can clearly see that I am a very negative person. And it's always directed towards myself and then from here I project it outward unto others and try to make myself 'feel better' or 'feel more' as to cover up or suppress the reality of how I actually experience myself. It's like I have believed or been taught that it doesn't matter how I actually feel or experience myself, instead just try to look on the bright side, or find the positive. In this, it's just accepting the negative side and attempting to ignore it, but that positive we are seeking is just to cover up the fact that we feel like shit. So why not deal with the shit and remove it from ourselves, so that we can then we can live as a positive being for real? I mean that seems like common sense, face the problem and find a solution, don't just try to ignore or deny it or cover it up with something that makes us feel better. No - go into that point and see what the hell is going on. Why so we experience ourselves this way? What are we believing about ourselves or others or about anything that causes just a negative experience where we then just want to forget about it, not have to face it, but just try to 'make up' for it. That obviously does not solve the problem and actually only feeds it more, as we are then moving from that negative point like, "yes, I experience myself this way so quick, let me try and find ways to make me feel another way, one that I like better, so I don't have to feel this way anymore," but we never consider looking at Why, for what reason or purpose we allow this negativity or where exactly it's coming from.

So that is what I have been seeing in relation to the addictions I have faced. Within the relationship to the addiction I have created, I am coming from a point of self accepted negativity, where I am judging myself and defining myself within limitations as a form of self bully like, "you don't deserve this, or you will never have this, or you are not good enough," and so I try to find "this" outside and separate from myself here, so much so that I will go to the extremes to find it - it's like complete desperation. But what I am desperate for is myself - my self to realize and see what I am doing, who I am, what I am accepting and allowing and that it is all completely unnecessary. I don't have to exist this way, I can actually sort out the relationship I have with myself, that allows myself to be addicted, so I am no longer dependent on something outside of me to give me something, I can live it as myself.

So the point - the positive energy I have been allowing myself to be addicted to, in the forms of thoughts and imaginations and fantasies, is almost like a point of "this is not/will never be reality" and so I would rather exist 'there' than here, with/as myself, as if I believe I must go into the illusions of my mind to make up a reality that I want instead of sorting out the actual physical reality, HERE. So clear to see the separation I have created within myself, where I don't want to even be alone with myself, as I see when I am 'out there' as in my mind, looking to create such a fanciful reality for myself, I am in that telling myself that my real, physical reality is not good enough, something I am not happy or satisfied with, and it will never be of 'anything substantial' - when in reality it is the ONLY things of substance, as it IS substance.

So best to be HERE, bringing myself back into/as/within Reality, as this Physical world. Best to sort out this reality so that I no longer believe I must run from it, or attempt to pretend it doesn't exist. Time to be responsible for the existence of myself. Breathing supports in this Journey, as I have seen/realized/understand it is the only way.

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