25 April 2013

154: Day 11 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - Breathing is Not Enough

Continuing from the point I brought up yesterday in terms of 'how to' face addictions, today I woke up with clear direction in how to support myself, but I was aware of the fact that addictions are a habitual movement within ourselves as in our minds or physical action taken, so it's this point of always doing it, thinking it, 'going there' so to speak, to the point where it like becomes ingrained in the very flesh of ourselves as "who we are", as the nature of ourselves - but really it's just a play out of an acceptance, of a way of living, a daily choice we make, even a moment by moment choice we make, where we decide to do something or not. Obviously what lies behind the 'choice' is the most valid point to consider because this is what drives us to ultimately go into an addiction or not. So when we have created ourselves to be addicted to something, it's because we, every time faced with a choice or decision, we "go there", essentially giving the point power, giving it attention, giving it our acceptance as submission and so we create it to be something "more than us" that we feel we can in no way stop. It is like our own self created monster that we have given (our) life to.

So with this seeing this, I realized that I would walk through my day in 'facing my monster'. I know that I have throughout my life participated in certain thinking patterns and physical movements as action, that over time and over a continuous "yes, I will go there" statement of who I am, it become "automatic" as we program ourselves to be it/do it/live it. So I knew I would face it - the addiction would come up and I would have to in that moment make a choice. So while at first, I was able to stop and breathe and bring myself back to make the decision that I know would support me in stopping this completely, I saw myself fall for a few of the moments till eventually I fell again completely.

This time I took it to writing because while breathing supports in those moments of facing addiction, ultimately the power and control that we have given to something outside of ourselves, as to control us, lies within the relationship to that point we have created. So within the relationship to the addictions like thoughts, beliefs, ideas, perceptions, emotions, feelings, reactions... all these mental components that make up the totality of such one pattern we play out is what supports and enforces the "addictive character". So while yesterday I realized what I could do to support me,  I did not actually address the energy behind it, the emotions and feelings I have participated in relation to it, and without self forgiveness, I can not ultimately take responsibility for this point as seeing who I actually am or what I am actually allowing.

Self forgiveness is the act of taking responsibility in supporting ourselves to See exactly what we are doing. Why we are doing it. For what reason or purpose, because I see behind me I have an apparent 'good reason' for why I do what I do or live the way that I do and this comes in the forms of self definitions; who I accept myself to be according to how I see/accept myself in my mind and from here I create the relationship from myself, towards this point of addiction. And I sustain the existence of such addictions through energy, how I 'feel about it' and actually what I 'get' from it - so again, comes back to the point of self interest. This addiction 'gives me' something that I apparently do not have without it, and I don't care what consequences I create for myself or others within it - I just care about getting this point that "I need." So I see/realize/understand that the only way to actually, effectively walk through an addiction as saying "no, I will no longer accept this of myself" is to apply self forgiveness as taking back self responsibility for what I am allowing/who I am in that addiction. Because I have seen how I attempt to 'walk through' a point without self forgiveness, and when I have walked through a point with self forgiveness - and the latter is the most effective. Because within self forgiveness, we are literally forgiving ourselves for what we are accepting and allowing and within that forgiveness, giving ourselves back that which we believe we do not have, and attempt to find in our addiction  So once we gift to ourselves the ability to forgive, giving back to ourselves what we think we don't have or believe we 'need', we no longer require this point that is outside and separate from ourselves here. Then breathing becomes enough and I am able to live with myself, as myself, in each moment as breath, being here with/as this physical reality and with/as my physical body without 'needing' anything outside of myself to give me something or even to fulfill me.

So, to reiterate this point for myself, self forgiveness is KEY in realizing that breath can only support to a certain extent. Just like self honesty can only support to a certain extent. Just like writing can only support to a certain extent. Just like self forgiveness alone can only support to certain extent - alone each of this points cannot actually change us in how we experience ourselves or who we are as a living statement of ourselves, but together, using all as self support in alignment of the 'process' we must walk through, that is where we find the ability to actually stop, actually physically move and actually be the change, the application of all the above, together, equally as one.

So, breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, self corrective and self commitment statements support in  walking us through the corrective application, the actual point of change - where we physically, in ourselves and in our world no longer live out the patterns that enslave us to cycles of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply the realization that breathing alone will not stop me from participating in my addictive personality - only with the self honesty and self forgiveness and self corrective statements and then application will I be able to change such points within myself as I see/realize/understand that breathing alone only supports to an extent, as when the addiction has been lived over and over an over again in physical reality as the 'nature' of myself, then the power I have given away to it is so great, that I have to be willing to give myself back the power to change it, and I see/realize/understand that I can only do this with self forgiveness as self honesty and giving myself the correct script in which to walk with in "who I am' and who I will and will not accept and allow myself to be and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that breathing is the solution to my self change, instead of realizing that within this I was only attempting to not have to actually change, not actually look at the relationship I have created to my addiction  as not having to face what it is behind the scenes sort to speak of WHY I allow this addiction to continue, to see how I am defining myself and how I am believing I need some external point to give to me something that I believe I don't have and so I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to unconditionally support myself with ALL the tools I have to support me, which have been given to me unconditionally, which in include not just breathing, but also self forgiveness and self corrective/commitment statements as well as the actual application of changing myself in the moment within physical reality

When and as I see myself wanting to face a 'point of change' in changing the physical behavior without investigating the relationship I have created towards it in separation of myself, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself in getting self honest about who I am within the addictions I have allowed, as I see/realize/understand that depending on how much energy and attention I have given to one point of addiction as constantly thinking about it or constantly acting it out in my physical reality, I will be either able to let it go unconditionally or I will have an energetic submissive role within it where it is 'my god' that controls my life in telling me "I must" and so I commit myself to look at in self honest, the relationships I have created towards addiction, that which I see has become an addiction within my life, to determine whether more writing and self forgiveness are required in getting to 'the point' that is the starting point of it's creation, as to why I allow it, what I am looking for, what I believe I will find, and what I have not giving to myself and so I commit myself to not use breathing as ways to compromise myself in changing myself as thinking I "only need to breathe" but to realize that the tools I have are specific in supporting me to release myself from the bondage I have placed within and as me that keeps me caged to on pattern or one nature of being and so I commit myself to investigate myself with writing, to support myself in realization and self honesty with self forgiveness and to give myself instructions as 'how to be' when faced with the moment of addiction again, realizing that within the corrective statements, I am the one telling me who I will or will not be and no longer accepting what I have created to be my nature as my mind as the force in which moves me, I move me


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