process from the beginning - you can check out the starting point here.
So the last 48 hours were rough for me in terms of really coming face to face with myself; my mind. What I was seeing were addictive habits that I 'thought' I had put in check, but see that they are still there when certain events/situations take place, like an instant activation and I am running on automatic. So after the last 2 days which felt like an eternity of both bliss and shit - bliss being I followed the thoughts in my head that took me into a feeling of such niceness (or so I THOUGHT) and the shit being while in this addiction, standing in the background screaming to myself, "NO - stop this, Stop this!" But it was like I couldn't until I couldn't take it anymore. And a had to let it ALL go and bring myself back HERE.
"Back to life, back to reality.... back to the Here and Now, yeah yeah."
So what I am seeing and how I am able to support myself through these addictive behaviors is how I have come to see/walk through/face resistances. An addiction is like this intense pull towards something that you have - what you think, to be no choice; you "have" to do it, go there, experience it. A resistance is the opposite, it's like you can in no way shape or form "go there", it's absolutely out of the question. It's like running straight into a wall, and you simply say, Ok, not doing it/not going there/fuck no.
Resistances for me have been a huge point in regards to walking my process, I have faced it every step of the way. Some points I have been able to walk through, through consistently pushing myself to, to just make the decision and then physically move myself to actually physically DO IT - "it" being whatever it is I 'feel' like I don't want to do without any good reason besides what I can come up within my mind as the justification and excuse. So I have experience in "dealing" with myself in terms of facing resistance. As I have been supported to see that that resistance is like a warning sign of my mind saying, "nope, trust me you don't want to come here, just stay there in your comfort zone, don't worry, you can trust me" - and so when I see a resistance, for the most part, I will take myself straight into it as to shatter the wall that acts as only a limitation; a border that apparently I can't cross.
Addictions or being an "addictive personality" - this, although I have been aware of and can see throughout my life, I have not actually been 'aware' as 'seeing' when I go into this addictive mode, because usually it happens so fast and it's like bam, your just in it, consuming and consuming and consuming more and more and more of whatever it is you are after. It's only after your 'done' with it, your filled up, usually when you have taken it to the absolute extreme, then you can see, "Oh shit, what have I done? Why did I do this to myself, AGAIN?"
And in a way addiction IS resistance. Meaning - when I 'want' to do something as my addictive personality, the resistance I experience would be to not do it. So I get an idea in my mind to do something that I know is to fuel my addiction and I automatically comply as I will just do it. Today I noticed that when the idea/thought came up to do it, I stopped and saw this like heaviness in not going there, like literally I was forcing myself not to do it and experienced it like it would be "easier" to just do it - just like I believe it's "easier" to trust in and avoid the resistance. Acceptance as submission.
So, this is cool support in terms of seeing how I am able to support myself within stopping the addictions. The same way I have supported myself through stopping the resistances. Do that which you resist. So I resist going against what my desire as the addiction says for me to do and so I will do that. Not give in to the instructions of my addiction and instead stand self directive in walking through the resistance as stopping the habitual behavior I have enslaved myself to.
And to bring it back to the point - the ONLY way to do this when facing the moment, is with/as BREATH. Breathing. I realize that if I do not stop to support myself when I see I face a resistance/addiction (interesting, I wrote fear here first), then I will automatically run like my program tells me to. So breathing to utilize the self support of/as myself here as my physical body. See it, stop, breathing in 4 counts, hold 4 counts, breath out 4 counts, hold 4 counts and repeat until I have giving myself back the decision of who I am in that moment. When I see the force of the resistance or when I see the pull of the addiction, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here, back to my body, back to reality, back to life, back to my self directive decision to no longer be a slave to myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.
So cool to see this point and am grateful, I suppose, for what I made myself walk through this weekend. Although prevention is the best cure.
Featured Artwork By: Marlen Vargas Del Razo
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