This is Day 6 of a 21-Day Breathing Challenge I have given to myself - you can read this series starter here.
Today for my World Politics class I had to participate in a group presentation. There were 5 of us - and this to me was a savior. During this semester I have had 2 other presentations I had to do, one was solo and the other was another group presentation. Who was I within 'presenting'? THE manifestation of anxiety. Heart racing, blood rushing to my face, hands shaking,voice unstable. I was quite a mess. The first time was a train wreck. The 2nd time the pressure was off as I was in a group, yet the symptoms were still there. This time around, I found my grounding with breathing. Also, I prepared more effectively for this presentation and so gave myself the support in having practiced the presentation - yet while sitting in class, and as group after group finished their presentation, it was getting closer... the moment... I had to face myself as a presenter. The moment my mind would go 'there' - to the idea of presenting, my heart rate would escalate and I would breathe. I would go there again in my mind, and again I could feel my heart racing. So I breathed.
What's interesting is in the first presentation I did this semester, the one where I was alone... up there... in front of everyone, the whole class was prepped before we started. My teacher said, "Ok everyone... remember to BREATHE." LOL - I knew this was the support for myself, yet I did not actually utilize it in it's full effectiveness, instead I gave into the experience I was having as fear and anxiety and completely lost my shit. At one point even my face was twitching with nervousness. A guy in the front row whispered to me... "breathe". lol - so simply and yet we don't apply it. We know breathing 'calms' ourselves, brings us back to reality - stops the overwhelming-ness we experience as ourselves, so why is it not practiced every moment as every breath?
Yet today was cool... I slowed myself down before going in front of the class, I allowed myself to read my little note cards, slowly and even looking up at the class - facing myself as the fear. Overall it was cool to use breath to stop this, what seems like an experience that is so out of my control - yet when I decided to take control, within and as myself, in directing myself to breathe - I was able to slow myself and be here. I will not claim I was completely without the nerves, yet it was not as extensive as I had previously felt in the past presentations.
I will say that I could have also better prepared myself with walking through this moment again; the moment of fear as presenting to a group of people with the support of self forgiveness and self corrective statement. This is not the last presentation for the semester - with 3 more weeks to go, I have one final presentation and so here I will support myself with giving myself the direction in how to support myself in the moment as realization and corrective statements as an affirmation of who I will and will not accept and allow of/as myself in this moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking in front of a large group of people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept my societies 'norm' of 'public speaking' being difficult and 'everyone gets nervous'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good' with speaking in front of a group of people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the definition I have given to myself as not good at speaking in front of a group of people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist with in fear when speaking in front of a group of people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to 'speaking in front of others' and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the negative charge I have given to public speaking and resist 'going there' as the negative experience I have accepted it to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the fear I experience when speaking in front of a group of people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the fear and anxiety I experience in relation to speaking in front of a group of people and simply accept it as 'the way that I am', as how I define others 'good' at it, and simply accepting myself as 'bad' at it - not realizing that I have the ability to change myself within/as speaking in front of a group of people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear of speaking in front of a group of people because of the self judgments I have within/as/toward myself and thus then project this onto the group of people I am speaking in front of - believing they will judge me as I have judged myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself as who I am in not accepting myself within the judgments towards myself that I then project onto others when speaking in front of a group
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become automatically, physically reactive when having to speak in front of a group of people - where my heart starts racing and my hands start shaking, and my voice becomes unstable and I am just a bundle of nerves that I allow to overwhelm me within who I am
I forgive myself that i never accepted and allowed myself to take back the control I have given away to the fear of speaking in front of others with/through/as breathing - wherein I stop the experience I am creating/accepting/allowing and instead bring myself back to breath, back to reality, back to physicality where there exist no danger of me in speaking in front of a group and so realizing that the fear is unnecessary
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own power and control through existing in fear when speaking in front of a group of people - where I give my power and control to 'them' within believing that they will judge me and not like me and think my presentation sucks and so validate this belief in allowing myself to accept the experience of fear and anxiety when speaking in front of a group of people
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the group of people I am speaking in front of - seeing them separate from me here, not standing in equality and oneness with/as them as seeing myself as something different and separate and something they will judge, never realizing it is me who is judging myself and seeing myself inferior to them
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that breathing is a simple tool in which supports me to stop the fear and anxiety I have accumulated throughout my life in defining myself as unable to speak in front of a group of people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and my expression in accepting the definition that I am a 'bad' public speaker
I forgive myself that i have never allowed myself to find solutions for the experience of fear and anxiety I have in relation to speaking in front of a group of people, and instead just accept it as 'the way it is' without considering the process of self investigation as questioning myself and who I am within this, and where I am being dishonest with myself and abdicating my self responsibility to 'be here' as myself, as the moment of speaking in front of others, expressing myself as the words I speak but to simple trust in the fear and anxiety to be real
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the opportunity to change myself within this limited version of myself where I believe I 'can't' speak in front of others and instead see who I am and how I can live changes that support me to stop being a slave to the fear - realizing that it is self created and thus able to be stopped within/as mySELF and so I forgive myself that i have never accepted and allowed myself to be the change in no longer accepting and allowing myself to be directed by fear and anxiety and instead investigate where this fear and anxiety is coming from, as it is something within me that I placed - I defined as 'who I am' - yet it is not absolute and I will no longer allow myself to stand in separation of myself in defining myself as unable to be here, in all moments, in all ways, as who I am as life... realizing that I am able to support myself to do this with/as breath and no longer allow myself to be changed/be subject to my external reality or situation or to be influenced by the direction given to me as my mind, but stand within/as the directive principle of who I am, gifting myself the resources/tools necessary to actually live this for real and no longer accept/define/limit myself to who I have believed myself to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within existing in/as self interest when speaking in front of a group of people - wherein I make the moment about me, believing that they are seeing/judging/hearing only me as the physical expression I am, and not realizing that the reason I am presenting is to share information, words, ideas... so much more than what I believe, and thus making it 'about me' - about how I experience myself in that moment, takes away from/as the moment with all in the physical reality/environment with/as me - and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self interest in only considering myself in that moment, instead of others and the information I am presenting - seeing only myself and my fear
When and as I see myself accepting and allowing the fear and anxiety in relation to public speaking arise within me - I stop and I breathe within the realization that this is self created and thus I stop myself from creating myself as the manifestation of anxiety and fear and instead allow myself to breathe, be here, speak, share, stand, without self judgment or projections of these self judgments onto others, as I see/realize/understand that in the moment of allowing fear and anxiety within/as me in presenting to a group of people, I am accepting and allowing myself to validate the self interest I have create d- wherein I am only considering myself, my fear, as if it is oh so important, and not realizing what is actually here as the physical moment, with all the physical beings - this is reality - without fear and anxiety directing me and so I commit myself to utilize breath when speaking in front of others, taking back my directive principle as self power and control wherein I give myself the direction of 'who I am' as I no longer accept myself to be that of separation, self interest, fear, nervousness, anxiety... as I see/realize/understand that I feed and fuel this point and so I commit myself to change myself within/as this point, in standing up in no longer allowing myself to be directed by fear and anxiety, and instead breathe, be here, and enjoy myself as I am learning how to express myself and be with the expression of all others in each moment of each breath
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