So what I am seeing is that I so unconditionally accept the 'positive' experiences I have, such as defining 'breathing through resistance' as positive, and do not question this, simply accept this positive feeling/experience because hey - it feels good. However, today when I went into a negative experience of like literally falling and I was trying to grab a hold of the ledge before I fell over(and I wasn't breathing to assist and support myself) - this set of major red flags like, "hey - what is this? look at this negative/bad feeling, this is not cool, I do not like this feeling, THIS negative point I will investigate." So it's interesting and I can see how throughout my life and my process I have only been willing to look at the moments where I do not 'feel good' and feel shitty and feel bad; these are the moments where I will tell myself, "hey, this is not cool, let's sort this out." Yet when comes to those oh so good feelings of being high on the positive, I don't question them, I ride 'em out.
More interesting is that I can see how I unveiled this negative experience that waved flags in my face... I was seeking a point within my reality to give me that energy fix, that fix of positivity, and it was not here. It was not here as well as I was starting to see what I was doing (have been doing the last couple days) and so I was starting to stop myself. So I would see myself take action within the starting point of wanting that 'good feeling' and then I would stop myself. Then I would go back to attain that positive feeling and I would stop myself. And then I saw the uselessness of what I was doing and went into this "fuck, I am so fucked" experience and ta-da - my moment of negative that pushes me to investigate.
What I can see and am starting to see/realize/understand is that I am always in this state of negativity and this 'positive search' is an attempt to ignore/suppress/deny who I really am/how I am actually existing. And I mean c'mon, we can see this in our whole world - we are all energy junkies living in a delusional reality that is full of fairies and bright colors, looking to 'stay positive' and 'see the beauty' - yet the real-ity picture is so not that and yet we don't want to see.
Ok - here I am going to zoom in on what I am seeing/realizing.
This Negative state/being of myself and of this world is not questioned. It is only seen, accepted and then feared which pushes us to find the positive. Instead of asking - hey? What created or is creating and sustaining this negative state of being? So it's like I investigate these points of negativity within me, but it's only to get back to the positive feeling. I am not actually finding solutions to the polarity I am accepting and allowing. I am simply uncomfortable 'being in the negative' and so thus want to sort it out to feel better. Instead of getting to that point of self responsibility as to WHY I am accepting this, what within me is creating this?
So, what I DO see/realize/understand is that who I am is reflected in/as this world, and so I am equally existing as this don't see/face/question the negative, deny that that is actually who I am and accept the search for the positive. Yet this positivity is conditional and not a real living expression of who I am; it is subject to the negative I experience and wish to no longer experience. It is within the starting point of negativity. It is fueling separation within and as me; bouncing back and forth from the lows to the highs, back to the low again and this pattern cycles. Or it will until I stop it. And this is the process. Stopping the polarity of positive/negative that only feed and fuel each other, and instead live in/as equality and oneness. Equality is stable, it is trustworthy, it is the living expression of I am here and my experience today is the same as yesterday and will be the same tomorrow as I am the directive principle and no longer subject to feelings and emotions of highs and lows, which also creates this filter through which we see according to our experience, never then actually seeing with reality with real eyes, only seeing what we want to see - that which justifies our deliberately accepted experience. Equality and Oneness is here in/as/with/of each in and out breath.
The ONLY experience that is valid, with substance and can be trusted to be real, is the physical. Physical touch, physical smell, physical sound. My experience of feeling good about breathing through moments of resistance cannot be trusted because it was fleeting, it was gone soon enough and it was based on how I defined 'breathing through resistance' with/as a positive charge. Same with my experience of feeling negative/shitty cannot be trusted either as it was a reaction to me stopping my participation in seeking the positive, and thus returning to the natural state I have accepted of myself as/in/of judgment of myself/my life/this reality, So in essence I am Saying, "I don't want to be here, in real life, I want to be in my mind where I can conjure up a reality that I want and desire and it makes me feel good."Basically giving the physical the finger and never questioning whether this 'natural state' of negativity can be changed. It's also according to how I see/define moments where I "fall" into my mind with/as a negative charge.
So bringing this point full circle in where I started this blog - I have defined 'breathing through resistance" and good/positive and "not breathing through my addictive tendencies" as bad/negative. Existing in one self-inflicted polarity fuck after another where I don't know what I am seeing or experiencing and whether it is real. Quite the mess I have created here. But this is why we walk.
Ok - So THE point of what I have walked through here in this blog: Who I am within breathing as how I have separated myself into polarities as the 'positive breathing experience' and the 'negative breathing experience'. Defining breathing or not within the polarity of positive and negative. This is where I am able to change/correct myself with self forgiveness and self corrective statements. And I will apply this in the blogs to follow.
An interview I found to be supportive in relation to this point: