05 March 2013

121 - My Intimacy with Me

In the last, I would say almost year, I can see just how much I allow myself (and have always allowed myself) to become possessed and obsessed within the energy as desire for relationship. And despite the knowledge that I have regarding relationships, and how they are so effectively reflective of ourselves, I have still attempted and pushed for a relationship with another in many avenues. There was no physical consideration, or direct communication or getting to know someone for real, there was only the energy of desire directing me to ‘get what I want’ because ‘I want it now’. Obviously I missed the key point – LIVING the knowledge, as without the physical living application, knowledge is useless. So while I KNOW that an intimate relationship with myself is the ONLY way to create an intimate relationship with another, I have attempted to ignore this crucial point in search for my self interest.

In my search, I have not seen/realized/understood that while I am busy looking outside of myself for that relationship I believe I so desperately need, I have not at all considered, looked or cared for myself here. I have wanted to do that for another.

So here I stop and say till here no further. I can no longer and will no longer leave myself in isolation in stepping outside of myself believing I need another to fulfill me, to give me something, to make me happy, to feel complete. My whole life has been the search for “the one”, and the funny thing, and not actually funny – kind of actually sad – is that the one I am looking for, is right here as me.

Communication has to start with self. Love has to start with self. Intimacy has to start with self. Acceptance has to start with self. Enjoyment has to start with self. Trust has to start with self. Support has to start with self. Comfort-ability has to start with self. Respect has to start with self. Caring has to start with self. It’s time I realize that I can/will NEVER find this in another, if I am not living/giving/recognizing this as myself, as who I am.

And so, I give me back to me. I start the process of building a relationship with me, and I will proceed the same way I would with any other relationship. I communicate with myself. I use writing as a tool to ‘in-to-me-I-see’ – to investigate the ‘me’ that is here in all dimensions, as my thoughts, words and deeds. As the past and present and projected futures. And I do NOT do this FOR the hope of a relationship, as I have now come to see/realize/understand that my attempts are futile and the starting point ALWAYS created the outcome. I am always brought back to the same place I have always been, here. Alone within and as myself, faced with who I am and what I accept and allow. And obviously I cannot deny what is here as me, because I have already opened my eyes to self honesty. Even my attempts to suppress and ignore the reality of me are worthless, because the more I do it, the bigger the hole I dig for myself and the larger the consequences I face. And so no more. I will not allow myself to deliberately crawl into a pit of self pity where I whine and crave for a mate. I greet myself with me, in each moment, as each breath and birth within/as me the relationship that can/will stand the test of time. My intimacy with me.

I commit myself to living the realization that there is no one that can fulfill me or give me that which I require, I am here, I am capable

I commit myself to realizing there is no ONE 'out there' for me, as I am here, able and willing to give to myself LIFE

I commit myself to developing intimacy with me through writing, self honesty and self forgiveness

I commit myself to gift to myself self love, self acceptance, and self trust within/as writing, breathing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application

I commit myself to the Journey to Life

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