26 February 2013

Day 118 - Wild Imaginations

Here a point that I have always experienced is a 'wild imagination'. Specifically in relation to my mind 'running off' into all sorts of avenues in thinking and believing and assuming something is going on; seeing a situation or event in my life, my interactions with others, and then going into my mind and coming up with all sorts of reasons as to why/how/what is happening. It's like my interpretation of reality, yet it's always based in fear, self interest, desire, worry, and even paranoia. I realize this has been created throughout my whole life, wherein I have trusted the survival mechanism I was taught in how to protect myself - myself here being the self image as ego - as a way to define my experience in life and those around me. Yet within all of this, I never stop to question, is this real? I trust in the thoughts and the pictures and ideas that come up in my mind, and they can be quite extreme, yet why is it that it's just accepted and not investigated?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the fear within my wild imaginations within allowing myself to interpret my reality and myself within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my mind as 'wild imagination' wherein I will interpret myself and my reality and others within my mind in the form of thoughts, pictures, assumptions, fear and ideas - in my attempt to understand the experience of myself in moments and give myself reasons to why I experience what i am experiencing and thus trusting in the imaging in my mind where I do not stop and question... is this real? Are the interpretations I am allowing myself to run with have any substantial truth, or are they simply a coping mechanism I have created throughout my life through self definitions of 'who I am' and my attempt to protect this 'self image' as how I define myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question the tangents I create in my mind as wild imagination when I see myself in moments trying to understand and ultimately make myself feel better in moments where I react to myself, my life and others in my life, wherein I have created and designed a filter that if I follow I will always come out 'on top' wherein I justify my existence and the reasons to my experiences in accepting them without questioning them, and use my wild imaginations to make sense of what it is I am accepting and allowing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the carrot on the stick within my mind as wild imaginations where I will allow myself as my mind to run amok in attempting to understand a moment of experience within myself and with others, where I will conjure (wrote con-just, LOL, the just of the CON) up all sorts of ideas as to why people interact with me the way they do, or why I experience myself the way that I do as a means to understand and create a positive feeling within myself as a way to actually suppress an experience of myself in the moment, such as going into fear about an interaction with other through defining their response to me within specific bounds and then attempt to understand, through how I perceived their interaction with me, the reasons behind what I see in them, not at all stopping and asking myself, is this real? Am I seeing simply through my own self created eyes as the image I project onto others, and instead of taking responsibility for myself and my experiences, attempt to abdicate the responsibility through distracting myself in defining others within 'doing what they do' - I realize it's always in relation to me, my interactions with others, and thus it is not 'them' - it is Me!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down in moments where I see myself attempting to interpret reality through my minds eye, wherein I will go into wild imaginations about what is happening and why I experience myself the way that I do, realizing this is just a way to deliberately deceive myself in not standing stable within physical reality and instead go into the alternate reality within my mind where I am always the winner, I am always the best and there is always justifications to why I experience myself the way that I do, usually because of "them", and thus believe I do not have to take responsibility for myself in how I experience myself and define myself within my ego as self definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the wild imaginations in my mind, especially those that seem so 'out there', when I realize that in rationality they are completely absurd yet still trust my internal process of understanding my reality and environment, instead of simply being here, seeing with real eyes, my physical eyes, and not what I project through my minds eyes that is always within self interest as attempting to protect my self image I have created; realizing that throughout my life, I was taught to 'survive' in this world without common sense practical understanding of who I am, what this world is and who we are as life, and how to live in physical reality, and so was left to trust the mechanics of my mind wherein I follow the imagery and ideas based on past events and experiences as to how I must be in this world and explanations of why others are with me as they are, as the justification for the acceptance of myself as the self definitions as my ego

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stop and question the internal process I see myself get carried away with, when the fury of the thoughts arise and I am running after reasons as to why I experience myself the way that I do in relation to my environment and others in my environment, instead of asking questions. Why am I having these thoughts? Where do these thoughts come from? What am I trying to protect with these thoughts? What am I afraid of? What am I trying to understand/see/realize? How have I constructed these thoughts? And instead get lost in the wild imaginations of my mind that I have come to see/realize/understand is just who I have accepted and allowed myself to be, in how I define myself and me within this existence, others and life as a whole; as images in my mind and reasons for how I see things in my mind simply justifying and excusing the internal processes without ever once stopping and investigating whether or not it was real.

When and as I see myself running away from physical reality through wild imaginations in my mind as my way of interpreting physical reality, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the awareness and questioning of, "is this real?" - to instead of just accepting the moment of separating myself from physical reality to participate in the imaginations in my alternate reality of the mind, investigate myself in who I am accepting and allowing myself to be in such a moment and to find the source of the nature of the wild imaginations I have used to define my existence as the moment as I see/realize/understand that the nature of the wild imaginations are always within an attempt to give reasons to the reactions I have in myself, my life and interactions with others and so I commit myself to stop internalizing my physical reality and instead see with real eyes through questioning myself as the mind, as the reactions that I have to ultimately realize that the minds eye is an illusion and physical reality, what is happening and real here is that which is substantial and truth and so I commit myself to investigating the truth of myself, the nature of my mind and the imaginations I allow to run amok to really get to know the being I have accepted and allowed of myself to be able to release myself from the bondage of the mind as the lines I must follow and instead allow myself to live, free of mental interpretations, but instead here with/as the physical

When and as I see myself justifying a moment of reactions I have within myself and within my world and in relation to others, I stop and Breathe and do not accept and allow myself to trust in the wild imaginations as a way to give reason to my experience, as I see/realize/understand that the imaginations are always based in self interest, desire, fear, assumptions... and so I instead commit myself to not participate in the self interest design of the wild imaginations as my way to interpret myself and my reality and instead trust myself to breathe, be here and investigate in PHYSICAL reality through PHYSICAL actions to see what it is I am experience, so with writing, breathing and communicating investigating the moments of my experience to start trusting myself to see with real eyes and not the minds eye of imagery that does not support life in fact, but only supports the ego of self interest and separation

When and as I see myself abdicating self responsibility within/as physical reality through allowing the wild imaginations within me as my mind to take hold through attempting to define and interpret myself in my reality, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to self awareness as self responsibility to remain self honest with myself within/as breathing, as the mind reality within/as me only exists because I accept/allow and thus participate in it and so I commit myself to stop my participation in my mental reality as I see/realize/understand that it's existence is based within a false self, ego, self interest, desire, and fear and does not at all take into consideration physical reality and so I commit myself to always bring myself back to reality, the PHYSICAL reality through/as breathing and to no longer trust in and participate in the alternate reality of the mind as wild imaginations as who I have accepted and come to trust as 'who I am', instead I use it as a tool to support myself in getting to know myself as who I have accepted myself to be in physical reality and re-align it to walk with/as this physical reality within the principles of what is best for all, self responsibility, self honesty, breathing - being here/as this physical reality as to sort out what's within me and what's within this world to no longer accept separation to reign

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