05 February 2013

114 - Dream Insights: Wanting to Give Up

The other night I had a dream. I was in the basement and Ollie, (my cat), was down there with me. Neko (our dog) was being let in from outside and he comes running towards Ollie. I grabbed Ollie and struggled to keep Neko away form him as he was trying to bite him. In a moment, I didn’t want to fight anymore, and I let myself relax and stopped fighting against Neko and he bite into Ollie. I heard Ollie scream and this shocked me back into fighting to protect him. I woke myself up yelling, “Neko, No!” My heart was racing and I was scared.
After looking at this dream, I wondered why I gave up the fight because it was like I actually didn't care what happened to Ollie. I just didn't want to fight anymore, I wanted to relax. It was like I fed Ollie to Neko. Within this – how I interpret this dream is how I have been living the last few months. Slowly accumulating a desire to give up – already giving up on myself and no longer wanting to fight against myself as the mind – where I don’t want to have to ‘stand up’ anymore, as I perceive it to be so much easier to just give up. This is in relation to being active throughout my day in dealing with all my responsibilities. I have given up and allow myself to escape in books and tv series, or sleep. So within this – realizing that I have giving up on myself… yet it seems a severe consequence woke me back up. Will I have to wait to suffer before I realize what I must do in this life? I realize I cannot stop fighting, I must fight for myself – for myself as life. And it’s a constant battle changing myself, because I am attempting to change the very nature in which I have ingrained within myself as the flesh of my body since the day I stepped into this world. It will not be easy, until I live changes enough to make habits that are best for all/me a living constant – a habitual program that runs. I realize all humans are programmed and nurture has designed us a specific way to be – and stopping it and changing it is the greatest task I will ever take on in this life – yet I realize the necessity. I realize I am the image and likeness of this world and this world is the image and likeness of me. Equal and One. And thus I am responsible for myself and for this world – and so the decision is clear. From this I must realize that there is no quick fix or magic serum that will make everything all nice and good. I must BE THE CHANGE – practically in every moment changing myself from the inside out. This is creating new ways of being, become aware of myself as living being that is a PHYSICAL BODY – getting back into this reality that is physical and stopping all self interest that I exist within as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to give up on myself within my process of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into thoughts of self sabotage wherein I tell myself that I will never be able to change, instead of realizing that within this self talk I am in the process giving up my power and will to actually do that which I believe I can’t

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is easier to live in the mind instead of breathing here as who I really am as Life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe living in the mind is easier then standing up for myself as life – for all life as me, instead of realizing it is only the process of changing the very nature in which I have accepted myself to be and in time, and through process, slowly but surely it will become more easy, as I become the living decision of how I will live and thus take the responsibility I have to be self directive to direct myself in each moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the simplicity in changing through realizing I as a human am programmable and thus all that I require to change in who I am as the living flesh… to create habits and patterns that are best for all, best for me, within the consideration of equality and oneness and thus actually live self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences I create in giving up based on ideas and beliefs in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to suffer before I will wake up to the realization that I am responsible for myself and for this life we all share

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that nothing will change unless I change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up at the slightest of resistances I have to new habits and actions I participate in my daily living, instead of realizing that only at first will it be difficult.. and if I keep allowing myself to fall it will only get worse, because in each fall I accept that I am powerless and the mind is more the me and I am not able to direct myself in each moment, instead of realizing that to walk through the first signs of resistance, I assert myself as the directive principle of myself and thus will myself to move, to speak, to act in ways that are best for all and slowly but surely through time recreate myself into a being that is worthy of life through/as giving my life worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in the self talk in my mind that justifies my desire to give up instead of realizing that in those moments, I am disengaging from reality and thus separating myself from actual life, that is here, breathing as my physical body, equal and one with all life that is here in/as this physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only change when I face a consequence so severe that I have no other choice but to stand up and change and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that prevention is the best cure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I desire to give up instead of stopping, breathing, forgiving myself for such a moment and moving on, within self honesty and applying myself within my day to day responsibilities

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that 'who I am' as the Mind is my creation and thus I am not 'less then' or 'inferior' to it in changing it, it is not 'more than me' - it is ME - as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and thus as I created/design/manifested myself to be the who I am now, I am equally able to change myself in creating myself into a being that is here, taking and standing self responsibility for who I am as/in Life

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to realize that when I am wanting to give up - it is always in the form of thoughts, or back chats, or feelings and emotions that move and influence and direct me within my life, wherein I always in my pursuit of it, end up regretful, remorseful and wishing I "did it different" and thus I stop the pattern of self disappointment and walk myself through the process of self change, as self application, applying myself within the tools I have to no longer live a life of cycles, repeating the same behavior and patterns that I know do not support me to be the best human I can be and thus I stop living in circles and walk here, in each moment as each breath and stop myself the moment of experience "I want to give up" as i have seen/realized/understand where that path goes, and I no longer accept and allow this of myself.

When and as I see myself within the desire to give up, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here, back to the realization that within this I am giving away my directive principle as the power of who I am as life, and thus I stop giving into the mind, and give myself back to life. I stop the fear that I will not be able to change, and I support myself to actually change, within the journey to life, through writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self corrective application, realizing that to want to give up is within accepting limitations and I no longer accept myself to limit myself within this life. I commit myself to stand in moments of resistance as the desire to give up realizing that the more I assert myself as the directive principle to no longer accept and allow my thoughts/feelings/emotions/internal experiences move me, the easier it will become to stand absolute within the decision of who I am in this life. And thus I commit myself to re-design who I am from that of self interest in seeking the run away from the responsibilities I have within myself and within this world and commit myself to walk the decision of changing my nature, changing the self accepted "I Am" of self definition to be that of equality and oneness, of what is best for all, here aware of this physical reality as my physical body to take care and sort out our current reality to be an expression of real life for all

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