12 January 2013

106: Expectations Denied

At work I saw myself get very angry – and then embarrassed by this anger. It was gearing up to be the end of the shift at work – and after working a double shift, I was ready to be done. Then I was asked to take a 15 top (table of 15 guests – oh yeah, I work in a restaurant). I looked at the hostess as she approached me about the party and to ask me to take it, and gave her a dirty look – like I knew they were coming to ask me, and I did not want to take the table – because I had expected to be done earlier in the evening – I always have this expectation, and am always pissed off when it doesn't play out that way. I gave her a dirty look – and I saw how automatic it was, because in an instant I was like, “what the fuck is wrong with me? It’s not her fault the party is coming in – she is just doing her job, as I am expected to do my job.” Then my manager asked me to take the table – and so I agreed – in quite the opposite response that I had to the hostess. The exact polarity in fact, like I was super eager and ready to please. I went into conflict within myself then, because I saw how internally I was angry and pissed off for having to take the table and was even expressing this annoyance to another co-worker, and then in an instant, I was exposed as my manager came into the area and said, “thanks for taking the table” and the external personality I presented was not at all how I was really experiencing myself.

Just goes to show how the personality of our presentation never is the true story – it was a fake face I was presenting, hiding the reality of my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations about when I will get off of work while I am at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my expectations of getting off work earlier, expect that I will and when reality gives me another scenario, become angry and upset for not having my expectations fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hope in being able to get done with work early and within this, not allow myself to be present in the moment of what will come about in actual reality, while I am busy holding onto the mental reality of being able to get off work early

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my expectations of getting off work early did not play out, become angry and annoyed within myself and outwardly project this unto another co-worker, as if to blame her for my expectations not being a reality and so within this, I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not in that moment take responsibility for my creation of the expectation of being done with work early when reality gave me a reality check in that I had to stay and continue working and within that blame another as a way to abdicate my own self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my co-worker for the expectations I had created within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically trigger within myself an experience of anger for not having the expectations of leaving work early manifest, instead of slowing down, bringing myself back to breath and facing the reality in which was here – another group of people coming in in which I would have to take care of and so letting go of any expectations I had about leaving work early and simply accepting the responsibility I have committed to within the job I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to outwardly express anger and annoyance with a co-worker when she attempted to tell me there was another group coming into the restaurant; instead of breathing and stopping all blame and stand within self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my co-worker a ‘dirty look’ as an automatic response to having to take another table, as a way to show her my anger and annoyance for her simply just doing her job – blaming her as if she was the one that invited and created the group to come into the restaurant and within this thus abdicating my self responsibility in that moment for creating expectations about the night and allowing anger and annoyance to direct me within not having my desire to leave work early fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my experience of having expectations and the desire to leave work early unto my co-worker in not giving me what I wanted when she came to tell me another group was coming in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when faced by my manager, present another personality of ‘eagerness’ and ‘willingness’ when it came to taking the party – not wanting to show my discontent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a fake face as being outwardly “okay” with another table coming into the restaurant that I would have to take care, but secretly within my mind, participate in back chat and internal conversations of anger and annoyance for having to take another table – yet not dare reveal this to my manager in fear of how he would react – or actually how I was be seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a fake face to others then what is actually my experience in a moment, through fear of how others will see/perceive me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the anger and annoyance for having to work later then I expected with my through back chat and internal conversations wherein I accepted that my expectation and desire to leave work early was acceptable and valid and to within this, separate myself from moments of being here, breathing, letting go of the anger and allowing myself to simply do what was necessary to be done and what is actually expected of me, to do my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define a co-worker at my job as inferior to me and thus believe/perceive I have the power/validity to assert my annoyance unto them when I do not get my way/what I want and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see my co-workers, ALL my co-workers as my equals and thus treat them as I would like to be treated – taking responsibility for myself in not blaming them for MY experience, as I would like them to take responsibility for their experiences instead of blaming me/others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my managers as superior to me and within this, fear showing the reality of my experience in the moment of becoming angry for not having my expectations fulfilled, and so within this, present a fake personality/character of being ‘eager’ and ‘willingness’ in fear of losing my job, in fear of how they would see me, and in fear of having them reprimand my for my outwardly display of anger and annoyance and so instead hide the truth of myself and pretend ‘everything was fine’ - when in reality I can see how simple it could have been to simply breathe, let it go, not blame anyone or hide for anyone, simply be in the moment and walk in reality, doing my job, without ideas or personalities or characters I felt I had to display

When and as I see myself holding onto expectations of how a night at work will go – I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the awareness that to hold expectations is to separation myself from the moment to moment, breath by breath living and not allowing myself to be here within what can arise in Life and instead hold onto a mental image of ‘what I want/desire’ and thus limiting myself within my own self interest and so I commit myself to stop existing within self interest as expectations of how I would like to see things go and instead open myself to walk each moment, in willing to face and be present/here with whatever comes my way, however the moments arise

When and as I see myself physically, outwardly blaming another for the experience I have of myself, as not having my expectations met, I stop and I breathe and I DO NOT accept and allow this of myself, as I have already seen/realized/understood that I am the creator of myself in each moment, I am the one who accepts and allows my experience always in all ways and thus I commit myself to stand as self responsibility in each moment in not allowing myself to blame others for how things turn out, and instead bring myself back to breathing to stop all automatic responses within me that cause frictions and abdication of self presence as self responsibility

When and as I see myself reacting within anger towards my reality, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the moment as breath and flag such a moment to see/investigate for myself what it is I was accepting within myself to cause anger toward my reality or others – what I was holding onto, believing, perceiving, expecting and thus not actually willing to walk and live in the moment, as each moment being new

When and as I see myself presenting a personality/character/face that is fake in relation to what is actually going on within me – smiling while inside I am spiting – I stop and I breathe and do not allow this separation within me and instead breathe to stop ALL inner/mental participation and get back to reality to be able to be here, be for real, in not presenting something in fear of what is actually going in within me, and instead live for real, in being real with who I am with others and with myself

I commit myself to stop the internal reality that is hidden and kept secret from others and instead align myself witin and without to what is best for all, through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application

I commit myself to breathe in moments where I see myself participate in automatic triggered reactions to others and my reality, to take back power and control of myself as directive principle and not allowing myself to be a slave to my mind and energy

I commit myself to stop all forms of blame within myself and commit myself to stand as self responsibility in always seeing the experience within myself as MY creation and thus I commit myself to investigate all experiences within myself, especially where I am projecting it outwards unto others, as I see/realize/understand that this is separation and abuse of myself, others and life as a whole

I commit myself to breath in moments wherein I find anger directing me, I slow down, breathe and allow myself to release the energy in the moment as to not be distracted from actually being here, being real in each moment

I commit myself to stop separating myself from others through defining some as inferior to superior to me

I commit myself to stand EQUAL and ONE with/as ALL LIFE HERE

I commit myself to live the realization that all life is equal and thus live the principle of treat others how I would like to be treated, and give to others what I would like to receive – always thus participating within the consideration of the equality equation – which is in fact best for all

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