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Showing posts from January, 2013

112 - Doped up on Hope

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Hope as it currently exists is another form of 'positive thinking'/energy high wherein we attempt to make ourselves feel better in the face of what our reality is revealing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hope as a feeling of ‘hopefulness’ as if to say, “despite how I experience myself, I will ignore that and instead go into hope – because hope makes me feel better and within hope, I don’t have to take responsibility for myself or my world, I can just pretend everything is ok and be pleased with myself in how hope makes me feel”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the feeling of hope

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question the feeling of hope

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use hope as an excuse to not face myself within believing that “everything will be ok” and “things will get better” and “everything will turn out ok” instead of r…

111 - For Self Give

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A point of living/being/doing for outside sources always leads to dissatisfaction and is abdication of self responsibility... all sorts of unnecessary self created experiences - best to bring it back to self and GIVE to self that which we expect to find in others, outside and separate from ourselves here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live for me but to instead look for external stimulation, outside sources and separate motivation to push me to move, to live, to change - instead of living for me, realizing that when I am in the starting point of "doing/living" for others, for outside reasons and sources, within anticipation and expectation, I am never satisfied, I am never fulfilled because within that I am living the statement that I 'need' something outside of me to live, I 'need' something to motivate and push me to change, I 'need' something separate from myself that apparently has power over me to direct me within…

110- Starting over as Stepping outside the 'Comfort Zone'

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There is this point of not wanting to ‘start over’ whereas I am already established within certain positions/points in my life, as there is already a sense of comfortability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to start something new within having a point already established within myself, within my life and thus use this as an excuse to ‘stay put’ and to not move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despite seeing in self honesty that holding onto something just because I am comfortable within its developed pattern, my developed pattern of ‘who I am’ and ‘how I act’ within it, want to hold onto this point of ‘comfortability’ in fear of having to start over, of having to actually change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing within the desire to hold onto a pattern that I define as ‘comfortable’ and fear o…

109- Stand in the Shoes of another to Make Decisions

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A point of ‘keeping my options open’ within not making a decision and thus not considering others in my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in two scenarios wherein I believe in both I will win and thus keep both ‘options open’ for me within my own self interest and within this not considering all involved and only considering myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hold onto two points in my world wherein I believe if one option does not work out I can go for the other options and within this sitting on the fence, not making a decision and only considering my self interest of how I feel, wanting to win within wanting to have ‘either or’ option, wherein if one point does not work out then I will still have the other option at my disposal – within this revealing the deceit and manipulation as I attempt to play the game for me to win, not considering others involved and who they are and their position – thu…

108- What will Move me?

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A point of using my external reality and those within it as the motivation to do something, to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships with others as motivation for self movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my external world/reality as motivation for self movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and wait for ‘something to happen’ in my external reality before I make the decision to move myself, to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if nothing is happening in my external reality, such as an interaction with another, then I do not require to move myself and then I end up just sitting around waiting for something to move me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self movement thr…

107 - Fear of Death

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A fear of death came up within me when having to go through some medical procedures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear anytime I have a physical pain or discomfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my physical body as experiencing myself as inferior to it as at any moment something could manifest within and as my physical body that could end my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer living instead of realizing I have never lived, as I have never been here, as I have always existed within my mind separate from the actual physical reality, and thus the fear I see is a fear of losing my mind – the internal reality as thoughts and internal conversations and personalities and characters and memories and self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the moments of allowing…

106: Expectations Denied

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At work I saw myself get very angry – and then embarrassed by this anger. It was gearing up to be the end of the shift at work – and after working a double shift, I was ready to be done. Then I was asked to take a 15 top (table of 15 guests – oh yeah, I work in a restaurant). I looked at the hostess as she approached me about the party and to ask me to take it, and gave her a dirty look – like I knew they were coming to ask me, and I did not want to take the table – because I had expected to be done earlier in the evening – I always have this expectation, and am always pissed off when it doesn't play out that way. I gave her a dirty look – and I saw how automatic it was, because in an instant I was like, “what the fuck is wrong with me? It’s not her fault the party is coming in – she is just doing her job, as I am expected to do my job.” Then my manager asked me to take the table – and so I agreed – in quite the opposite response that I had to the hostess. The exact polarity in fa…

105 - Comparisons instead of Support

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A point of comparing myself to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself, within my Life and my process, to others walking the same process/Journey to Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within comparing myself, my life and my process of self realizations to others walking the same process, judge myself as inferior and less then them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within comparing myself to others walking the journey to life, accept myself through self judgment as inferior and within this limit myself within my own process in separating myself from others, instead of utilizing the support others here as me are walking/sharing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my self judgments of myself within my process as comparing myself to others as being inferior/less effective, use as an excuse to not change myself, wherein I then accept the back chat that “I am not