26 November 2012

Day 93- Observer as the Mind - Breathing is Living

This blog is in relation to the various mind influences I can have when facing a person or situation. Wherein I will go into my head, within thoughts, and consider all 'what if's and what about this or what about that and should I do this, or should I do that?' It's like completing disregarding the physical interaction or experience with another with thoughts about how to be and 'what it means' - as if interactions or communications require some form of code to decipher. So this point is of interpreting physical reality within the mind's own perceptions and simply not allowing myself to be here, breathing and simply expressing in the moment - yet attempt to 'figure out' a way 'to be' based on how I am interpreting reality.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret my reality and interactions with others with my mind, as thoughts and feelings and emotions, instead of realizing this is a program construct in which I have created to secure my self interest of survival, where I believe I have to protect myself from some unseen force that will somehow hurt or ruin me



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed ymself to beleive there is some hidden meaning in all situations and interactions with others, attempting to 'find what I'm missing' within my mind, wherein I replay events and conversations as if I am finding something more that was here instead of simply BEING HERE, without the vastness of interpretation my mind can impose on reality



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind in considering conversations with others in THINKING and believing there is something I am missing and I must find that missing piece that will somehow give me clarity in how I must be with someone - again that justifying the instability of personalities and characters I play depending upon the environment and people I am in/around



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and wonder in my mind as future projections of being with or communicating with another in some separate reality that does not exist - losing myself from the actual reality that is here as the moment of breath, and instead exist within my mind of ideas and scenarios of how a situation will play out or deciding upon who I should be/how I should be in that moment that is not even here



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self judgment when participating in future projections within my mind of how an experience will be in communication or being with another - wherein I believe depending upon how I am interpreting our interactions, I will decide I 'must be this way ' or 'be that way' and thus judge myself as simply being here, just being me, in self honesty without the need to present an image of myself based on how I interpret another and our relationship



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from real communication and interaction with another through existing in my mind as thoughts and ideas about what our interaction means, what was implied, what it represents, instead of allowing to simply be what it is - two or more human beings communicating and interacting in physical reality



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through my mind, attempt to make an interaction or communication with another more then what it is through thinking there is some hidden meaning to words spoken



I forgive myself that i Have not yet allowed myself to simple be with my breath in each and every single moment, being here, expressing and enjoying myself as who I really am without pretending to be something more then I am through how I have interpreted myself and my interactions with another



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to completely miss the reality of my being in the presence of another - to reality of equality and oneness as who we really are, through existing in my mind within thoughts about what it means or allowing future projections to take over in guiding me through deciding on what will come of it and from there decide who I will be



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from physical reality through existing in the mind as thoughts and feelings and emotions and ideas and future projections, and not simply breathing here, as life, actually living for real



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to seek answers separate from me here in the quest I go on within my mind wherein I am looking for something, some greater meaning, some enlieghtened clarity that will somehow change something for me, instead of realizing the trap I am placing myself within in confining myself and my interactions with others to exist only within my mind in limiting to to be 'this or that' - instead of simply be here, one and equal, with all that is here as me and thus finding out for real what is life and what it means to live and to actually communicate with another in complete self honesty



When and as I see myself participating in my mind as thoughts and interpretations and future projections about being and interacting with another - I stop and I breathe, and I realize that within this I am existing in self interest, as I see/realize/understand that I am attempting to decide who I must be in order to get what i want from another and within this judging myself as not good enough to be who I am in each moment of breath and so I stop this separation and breathe here, bringing myself back to reality, back to where life is



When and as I see myself attempting to interpret reality as if there is something more that I am not seeing, I stop and I breathe and I realize that life is not about observing, it is about action and the action that is best for all is to breathe - being equal and one with/as life as the breathe of the body



Featured Artwork by: Rozelle De Lange



17 November 2012

Day 92 -Self Value in Polarity

This point is in relation to how I had lived my life before, wherein I would replay the thoughts that "I'm not doing anything with my life - I am a loser, and a failure, someone, please give me direction!" Which is obviously within a negative context - yet no solutions were ever lived or changes made, I would just basically sit in my shit and complain and whine and moan about how I was a failure at life, allow myself to judge myself, yet never realize the simplistic solution to DO something about it. Now I seem to be living the polarity. I am busy these days, with school, and work and tutoring and my participation with desteni. I have taking on many responsibilities and commitment - and I am grateful to be doing what I am doing, as every moment of each task is the opportunity to in fact face myself and change the patterns I have seen myself live out. Yet - within this, I have accepted myself to go into the 'positive' side of it as, "Look at all the things I am doing within my Life - i am busy and I have direction and I am 'doing something good' with my life because of it."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, judge myself and exist within back chats of, "I'm not doing anything with my life - I am a loser, and a failure, someone, please give me direction!", constantly perpetuating the existence of myself of not moving myself or making any sort of decisions within self direction to change how I was living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I do not do in my life, wherein I have defined not being in school, and just working, as something negative or 'bad' that then defines me as a 'bad person'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I do within my life, wherein I have defined being in school, working, tutoring and participating within the process of desteni as something 'positive' that then defines me as a 'good person'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation of myself wherein I seek outside sources as a way to validate myself and my existence in determining whether I am a 'good or bad' person - based on what activities or responsibilities I have in my life - thus separating myself from my own self value and placing it into outside/external forces, wherein if I were to lose or gain something based on these definitions - I am either a winner or a loser - clearly accepting this within myself creates and accepts this within this entire world and thus we have separation, inequality, competition.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my self value according to being in school, working and tutoring

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need things outside of myself, as 'keeping busy' as a way to define myself FOR OTHERS - as a way to present myself as something of worth and value in this world

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self interest of how others see and perceive me according to my definitions of being 'worthy or not' based on what I do or do not do in my life

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within polarity - separation - haves and have not throughout my life, constantly existing in highs and lows according to what I'm doing in my life - instead of being stable, as breath, and finding solutions that stop the back and forth withing myself, constantly swinging on the self limitations as definitions according to outside sources

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based/created my desire to 'show others' that I am of value and worth according to the responsibilities in my life on my own self judgments and acceptance of what makes a human being 'valuable'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more busy I am with responsibilities and commitments - the better human being I am, instead of realizing the value of what I do is defined within who I am, as I see, realize and understand that if I am coming from a starting point of self judgments and attempting to make up for these negative feelings with positive feelings, then I am not living unconditionally, and instead conditionally, as my acts are based within self interest in making myself more, instead of doing what I do as what is best for all - and this is realizing that what i am currently doing is to direct myself to create a system of value in this world that is best for all, and not one of false value placed on ideas or self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within positive and negative back chats according to what I am doing within my life, instead of realizing that within this very act, I am separating myself from that which I am doing in my life, in creating and defining it as either positive or negative - something that either makes me look good or bad, and thus only living a limited presentation of myself and not at all here in the moment, as myself with awareness as the breath, moving and living and physically participation with reality

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life always exist within self interest - wherein everything that I do has been based within 'how it makes me look' in judging it as either 'good or bad' for my precious image as ego of personality

I forgive myself that i have never allowed myself to just be here - unconditionally and without ulterior motives - yet always seeking ways to win and be better then others and better then how I have defined myself, revealing that I have always only been attempting to be more then myself

When and as I see myself reacting to myself within what I am doing within my life in relation to being in school or not, working or not, tutoring or not, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the realization that within the ideas and thoughts and self definitions I allow within my mind, I am separating myself from living unconditionally and limiting myself within the small space of polarity, having to only be 'this or that' and not allowing myself to simply be here, doing what I do within the decision and direction of what is best for all and only what is best for me within attempting to preserve the prison of personality of my ego as who I am attempt to portray myself as to others

I commit myself to stop separating myself from reality through thinking and judging and having opinions and ideas about what i am doing in my life - and instead I commit myself to breathe with and as each moment of every day I have here, being equal and one with and as each moment I Have here, LIVING for real as each moment as awareness of who I really am as Life

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to outside sources as what I am doing in my life according to work, school and other activities

I commit myself to stop limiting myself within the polarity pendulum wherein I exist only as positive and negative and always attempting to find the balance, and instead breath as living stability and real consistency and true self will to actually live

I commit myself to stop judging myself for what i do or don't do in my life and instead commit myself to see within self honest always, to see my starting point for all decisions and actions I live and to always correct myself within aligning myself to remove that which is self interest within me into what is best for all

I commit myself to stop presenting myself as an image for others and instead live unconditionally for myself

I commit myself to stop placing valuing in separation of myself here in outside sources

I commit myself to live in ways that I see are within my responsibility and capability in implementing a system in this world that is of support of what is best for all - realizing I must first create this within and as myself

I commit myself to the realization that what this world is, in all it's ways, is a reflection of who I am, and how I live and thus I commit myself to live my self responsibility within this world of self honesty, self forgiveness and self correction - to change myself into that which is best for all

Featured Artwork By: Andrew Gable

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12 November 2012

Day 91 - What Moves Me?

Recently I have been seeing just how much I allow energy - or lack of energy - move me in my life. Whether I get a quick burst of excitement that catapults me into anything and everything with a great positive high, or a dull stop where I just want to lay still and don't want to do anything - either way, the positive or negative energies are moving me within my life, and this is not cool. Because I am then allowing automatic responses to direct and influence me, and within this, saying that if something makes me 'feel good', then I am more motivated to interact with my reality - and if I don't get what I am expecting - something that makes me feel good, then I hit a brick wall and I find I don't even have the energy to lift an eye lid. Just goes to show how much the mind pulls the strings and I am not at all living stability here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live off of high and low energies of the mind to move me in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to accept and not question the instability within living in the mind - where one minute it's like I'm on crack with all the positive energy of 'feeling good' about something and the next I come off the drug and crash into the ground and am stuck in feelings of negativity wherein what I was expecting within my mind did not come true

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a slave to the high and low energies of the mind to direct and influence me in my life

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to question that which is unstable within me such at positive and negative thoughts, feelings and emotions



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to have positive high energies in order to be active in my life

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use negative energies as reasons to not move myself in my life

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that breathing is moving myself - within constant, stable self movement

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on my mind to move me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by positive energies wherein i feel I could do anything and not allow myself to live this for real in constant stability within and as breath

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be moved by negative energies wherein I don't want to do anything and want to just lay still, in bed

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to allow myself to be moved by energy - I am not life - I am merely a slave to energy as my mind that tells me what to do, where to go, how to be and how to live

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require energy to move me instead of realizing all it takes is breath and within that a decision to live what is best for all - and that is without the energy of polarity - it is something constant, stable, here, always the same

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body in running on energy - raping the physical energy that my body produce to feed the illusions of the mind wherein I run rampant inside my mind, running every here, here and there, past present future, constantly thinking, imagining, back chatting - never slowing myself down to where I actually exist - here as the body as the breath

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be stopped by the negative energies I create within my mind and allow it to direct me to not live my life in pushing through and continuing that which is necessary to be done in a day

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be motivated by the positive energies I create within my mind and allow it to push me through my day, rushing through every moment and never being here as the present movement, honoring and enjoying each breath that I have in taking in all that is here with/as me

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that in the highs and lows of energies, life is not trustworthy, because it is dependent upon these energies to move - and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become untrustworthy in life and as life through my participation and dependencies on energy to move me, to make decisions, to act in this world - instead of breathing in each moment as constant stability expression that is life - always here, the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that to create stability within myself as who I am and stop the fluctuation and movement between highs and lows - I must change myself into living stability as who I am in my day to day living, through actions and decision that support me to do so

When and as I see myself being moved within positive and negative energies of the mind - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that I am a slave if I allow it and I no longer accept and allow this of myself, as I realize high and low energies is separation - it is untrustworthy - it is not stable and thus is not life - it is an illusion I create within my mind with thinking and all it's participation and so I stop, and I breathe and I make the decision in the moment to be here as life, as consistency as who I am, as stability as who I am, equal as who I am as life.

When and as I see myself existing within highs and lows of energy that move me in my life - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the awareness that to stop the inconsistency of polarity, I must live stability within who I am and thus I commit myself to create habits and actions within my day to day living that are stable - that are the same, that support me within consistency, such as the journey to life blogs, and writing self forgiveness, and breathing.

I commit myself to stop the polarities of highs and lows within myself

I commit myself to stop my addiction to high/positive energy to move me

I commit myself to stop the negative/low energies from stopping me from living

I commit myself to stand here equal and one as each breath

I commit myself to stop the separation within my mind in running back and forth from the positive and negative experience in my attempt to balance myself

I commit myself to move myself, as a decision within each breath, to prove to myself that I do not require the mind or energy to move me, but I am able to move myself here

I commit myself to daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to stop the preprogrammed responses within me that I accept as my reactions to myself and my reality and others with either a positive or negative energy feeling or emotions - and I commit myself to rebirth myself as life - that which is constant, that which is here - that which is real and not dependent upon the mind to dictate

I commit myself to become a trustworthy human being that stands equal and stable here in each breath without the influence of the mind as the preprogrammed scripts that tells me how to act and how to behave and what to think and what to do - I commit myself to become the directive principle of myself

I commit myself to living stability

I commit myself to living consistency

I commit myself to stop the internal friction and conflict that I impose on myself through the mind in going from one polarity extreme to the next - I commit myself to make the decision in every moment to stop and breathe - to be here


Featured Artwork By: Matti Freeman, Andrew Gable and Kelly Posey

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Day 90 - Resistances are Feelings Influencing Me

In the beginning of my process, as I would lay myself down for the night, I would always lay there, breathing, and apply self forgiveness. either on points I saw throughout my day or just thoughts that would arise in the moment. The experience within this was very cool. I have not done this since then, which has been almost 3 years. I created a resistance towards it where I have now accepted the 'feeling' of it as being 'unnatural'. What I realize within this is that I am allow feelings to direct me, and me not directing myself - which is absolutely what self forgiveness is. Taking direction within self to become self responsible in self honesty to see who self is and to take that self directive principle/will to no longer accept that which is clearly seen as not best for all/self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to applying self forgiveness out loud before I got to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to what I apply now to what I applied in the beginning of my process and defining what I did 'before' as 'better' and thus judge myself within this comparison as no longer doing something 'good'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define applying self forgiveness out loud within the positive energy polarity as 'good' - and then exist within the opposite polarity as 'bad' and then within this create and participate in friction and conflict wtihin myself through comparing and judging myself as no longer doing something 'good'

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define applying self forgiveness out loud as something unnatural based on feelings - instead of realizing it is the physical resistance I experience when I apply self forgiveness and within this tell myself, "this is not natural" - because I have believed that who I should be and what I should do in this world is defined by it being 'easy' - instead of realizing I am only allow energy and feelings to direct me - to keep me safe within what I am comfortable in, instead of realizing this is a limitation based on ideas in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define resistance to speaking self forgiveness out loud as a feeling TELLING ME, "no this is not right - I should not be doing this - it is not easy" - instead of realizing this is how I sabotage myself to stay the same - deliberately accept resistances as the guiding force within my life - instead of deciding for myself what I will or will not do and not allow energies and feelings based on ideas and self definitions direct me

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that resistance is the minds way of protecting itself and the ego fears to change - fears its own survival, and so as the program runs, telling me how to be in which situations around what kind of people, I jsut follow the rules and accept the script that has been written, instead of redesigning the program to be what is best for all - which is for me to live self forgiveness as it is taking responsibility for myself within giving myself the power to no longer depend on something outside and separate from me here and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon thoughts, feelings, emotions, energies of positivity and negativity - the program I have created as my mind, to direct and decide how I will act, what i will do, what I will not do and ultimate dictate me and my life

When and as I see myself resisting myself applying self forgiveness in any moment - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that it's me as my minds attempt to stay the same, to not change, to not lose itself, protecting it's creation - and so I stop this dictation of the mind, I breathe within deciding to be self honest in taking responsibility for myself, and proceed applying each word out loud of the self forgiveness until I am satisfied

When and as I see myself being directed and influenced by my mind, as feelings and emotions and thoughts and resistances, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that to follow the mind and all it's components, I am accepting myself as a slave with something having power over me and so I stop, I breath, I bring myself back here and direct myself within my own self will to be the power in which directs and guides me in deciding for myself what and how and who I will live/be in this world and always considering what is best for all in each moment I am able

When and as I see myself comparing myself and thus judging myself for who I was in the past and who I am now within the polarity of "good and/or bad" - I stop and I breathe, and I bring myself out of the past in my mind, and back to reality here with my body, realizing that to accept this is to create friction and conflict within myself and thus is not a practical solution to changing myself and so within this I push myself to see who I was and see of which parts I am able to use to support me with who I am now and who I am becoming in this journey to life. I stop all judgments and remain self honest in the moment to be able to then direct myself HERE - where I am now

I commit myself to giving myself back to myself within self forgiveness, speaking it out loud when I see it is appropriate

I commit myself to stop allowing resistance to self forgiveness direct me to not apply it

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself with self forgiveness

I commit myself to live self honesty with and as self forgiveness

I commit myself to realize that self forgiveness is the tool in which I am able to practically get to know myself

I commit myself to stop allowing feelings to direct me

I commit myself to stop giving the power of myself as the directive principle of myself away to my mind

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I find myself facing a resistance

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I find myself making decisions within my life based on feelings of being 'right or wrong'

I commit myself to walk the journey to life with daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application - to really get to know myself and find out why I resist applying such a supportive tools as self forgiveness, realizing that the only way to change something is to first see how it functions, why it functions and what purpose it is serving and thus I commit myself to investigating myself, myself as the program that runs on rules and scripts and guidelines that tell me where to go, what to think, how to react - I commit myself to rewriting the program of myself to create and be that which is best for all

09 November 2012

Day 89 - Background Noise to Hide from Myself

So this point I want to bring up in what I am seeing myself develop again, in terms of ‘old behavior’.

I have been watching tv series before I go to bed, and I have created the habit of keeping the show on while I go to sleep. And the other night, I saw this dependency on doing this – instead of simply being able to be here, in the silence that is the breath and walking myself into rest/sleep.. I was afraid to do this. I wanted the tv on for the noise.. almost like I feared being alone, with myself, which is interesting because I am always alone, yet reveals fear of being with myself/facing myself.

I had this habit growing up. Where I did not like the silence, I wanted ‘background noise’ and I think the point is this fear of being alone, fear of the silence and thus using the tv or background noise as a safety sound to make myself feel safe and secure and ‘not alone’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of watching a tv series before I go to bed, and then leave it on while I fall asleep within the fear of being alone and the desire to 'have something' here with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and then depend on the noise of a tv series while I am going to sleep within the starting point of fear, fear of being alone, fear of being in silence, fear of being in the dark - not really in the dark as the lights being out - but the fear of the darkness within and as me, the silence of the breathe, without the distraction of the mind, simple alone within and as myself here in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being alone and within this acceptance of this fear, use the noise of a tv series to 'get me through' into sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, instead of allowing myself that I am always alone, meaning - I am always alone within and as myself, as who I am and how I live and thus always alone in that only I can become aware of who I am, what I accept and allow, what i create and thus what/how I live

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define being alone within the negative polarity charge as being something you do not want to be - and believing I require others to make me feel not alone, to assure myself that "I am ok" and thus using others for my own well being, instead of taking care of myself, and realizing that I cannot run away from myself, I am always here, and the truth of myself, that which I attempt to run away and hide from, is always here and will always be here until I direct it and sort it out within facing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the noise of a tv series as a distraction of the noise in my head - where thoughts and images and pictures and ideas are constantly possessing me to follow them, to get lost in them, to trust them, and instead of stopping and breathing and directing myself out of the mind and into reality, allow myself to run away from myself as my mind in using the tv to cover up the truth of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear of being alone and fear of facing myself as my mind, accept myself as inferior to it, as I am literally in-FEAR-ority(of it) wherein I don't want to see it, I want to run away from it and hide from it and ignore and deny it, while it is still here, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself as the mind in fear of it, instead of realizing that stopping the fear and facing it allows and supports me to direct it and change it, so I no longer have to judge or fear myself as the mind, but direct myself as the mind to support me in this life to become an expression of life that is best for all that is no longer controlled or consumed by the mind, which is actually me and thus realizing that equality is the only way, forgiveness is the only way, as I must stand equal to and one with who I am as my mind, in spite of how much I fear it, realizing it is fear of facing myself in the belief it's 'more then me' - it's actually me and thus I decide to and direct myself as my mind to purify who I am into and as a living expression of life within and as equality and oneness as what is best for all

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and define and being alone as 'not safe' and within this define not being alone/being with others as the polarity, as 'being safe' and 'being secure'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being alone as 'not being safe' within accepting the belief that when you are alone you are vulnerable and others will abuse me, instead of realizing that I am only abusing myself in accepting this belief and thus I delete from myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define being with others as 'being safe and secure' within believing that if I am not alone, and I have others around me - then that means I am safe, within believing that if something happens to me - 'they' will protect me, instead of realizing the only thing I have to fear is the fear I allow within and as me and thus I forgive myself that i Have accepted and alloed myself to fear fear, instead of realizing it is my creation and thus I commit myself to stop all fear within beliefs and acceptances of what this world is and who I am and who others are

When and as I see myself fearing being alone or fear of being silent or using something outside of myself as a way to accept and cover up the fear of being alone within and as myself - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that I am always alone, and thus I bring myself back HERE - back to the breathe, back to the silence and the darkness within me as who I really am to be able to once and for all stop running from myself and stand up within myself, facing myself, accepting myself and trusting myself to forgive myself for that which I have created and accepted to be 'who I am' as the nature of myself

I commit myself to stop all fear in me with breathing, self honesty and self forgiveness

I commit myself to face all the fears within me with daily writing and self forgiveness, to realize I am making it all up in my mind and is only able to influence me if I allow it

I commit myself to realize FEAR is not REAL

I commit myself to realize FEAR is always fear of self

I commit myself to stop fearing myself

I commit myself to stop fearing myself as my mind

I commit myself to facing myself as my mind

I commit myself to realize that in accepting fear I become in-FEAR-ior(of it) and thus powerless to stop and change it and so I commit myself to stand equal and face myself, realizing who I am as thoughts, feelings, emotions, images, pictures, memories, future projections, ideas, opinions, etc... is only who I have accepted myself to be and thus not who I really am, and so I take full responsibility for myself as who I have accepted myself to be and push myself to live who I am for real - which is life, here, equal and one with all here as life


Featured Artwork By: Jessica Arias

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Day 88 - Ulterior Motives

This blog is about seeing in self honesty my starting point for ‘going out’ with others – there was a motive, to get something that I ‘wanted’, of course within self interest, and not based on equality as equal consideration of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within ulterior motives when hanging out with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire something in separation of me here and within this allow it to be the reason and purpose for me hanging out with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others within communication and social interaction for my own self interest, where I seek to attain something separate from me within the belief that “if I do this – then I will get this”

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to simply be here, with all that I interact with, as an unconditionally expression and presence of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions within life based on my secret minds desire to obtain something separate from me, whether it’s attention or communication or validation for the personalities I present, expecting something in return for my participation

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize within self honesty that acting within attempting to seek something as validation for what I accept within my mind is self dishonest and a disgrace to life as I have seen, realized and understand that to desire to receive within the fake act of giving of myself as social interaction, I am not being honest nor unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be here unconditionally, accepting myself as who I am here as life, as each breath, and instead exist within the mind of plots and plans and secrets ways to manipulate others to support me within the characters and personalities that I Have defined myself as

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse others, to use and abuse life, for my own perceived gain

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider life as my equal within social interactions and communications

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to then judge others for the way that they communicate and interact with each other as having ulterior motives, instead of realizing it has been and is me all along

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will find something outside of myself within communication and others – thus giving my power away to realize for myself that I am able to give and live that which I seek from others, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue seeking in separation of myself and from others, something that I believe will fulfill me, when really I am only following the carrot on the string as the pursuit of happiness as believing life is about feeling good

When and as I see myself deciding to socially interact and communicate within the starting point of self interest as seeking a desired outcome, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the realization that this is abuse of myself as dishonesty and abuse of others in not allowing myself to be here unconditionally without expectations and so I breathe, I stop and I forgive the self interest I allow to direct me into communication and social interaction with others and decide for myself to simply breathe, be here and honor myself and others as myself equally in not needing to get anything from another as I have perceived I can

When and as I see myself communication and interacting with others based on the desire to ‘follow my bliss’ in accepting happiness as the purpose of life, I stop and I breathe and I realize ithin this I am allowing energy to direct me, and I realize it is within self interest, as I then separate myself from others in using them for my own purposes – to get what I want without considering them as my equals and thus I breathe until I am clear and breathe throughout communication, allowing myself to stand equal and one with another as the communication happening without secret plots or plans or ulterior motives, but to simply be here, enjoying myself as life, with and as another as life, equal and one

I commit myself to stop the secret mind of deceptive manipulation within attempting to have for myself that which I perceive is separate from me

I commit myself to stop needing something from another in communication and interaction, and I commit myself to simply be here, breathing, enjoying myself as real physical life

I commit myself to stop the dishonesty within desiring a specific outcome within communications and interactions with others

I commit myself to realize and always see the starting point from which I move in this world to ensure I clear and remove all the self interest, to then be able to walk free and clear here as life within self honest, and uncoditionality

I commit myself to walk the process of daily writing to uncover the truth of myself, with self honest – to be completely honest with myself about who I am and how I exist – to see through the veil I pull over my eyes within the mind in justifying and attempting to gain the self interest desires, instead I commit myself to realize that I cannot trust myself as the mind, and thus I trust myself to breathe, as I can trust the breath, as it is simply here and stable and consistent, there is no fluxuation or change, simply the in and out functioning of life and it’s interconnected participation within this reality

I commit myself to forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed and thus lived as ‘who I am’ as the nature of myself, as I have seen realized and understood that since I created it, I can change it and thus I commit myself to walk the self correction process of living self honest as an equal unconditional expression of life, always within the consideration of what is best for all and thus letting go of my desire to be self interested in only consider what is best for me


Featured Artwork By: Gian Robberts

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05 November 2012

Day 87 - Every Decision is Deliberate

Here looking at the realization that every decision I make in a moment is always deliberate - where I am faced with a choice within myself and recently seeing how I choose self interest.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of allowing myself to walk through and get done all the points I require to address in a day, allow myself to ‘do something else’ wherein I see the deliberate decision I make to not take responsibility for myself within the responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make the decision to not stand within myself and walk through each commitment I have given to myself, within seeing how I will in a moment, decide within myself that I would rather do something else, something as a form of distraction or entertainment, in seeking ‘feel good’ experiences instead of remaining steadfast, stable as each breath, to direct myself within each responsibility throughout my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of seeing the choice I have in a moment of breath, of either give into a desire of positive feeling such as entertainment versus continue taking care of the responsibilities I have in a moment, always make the deliberate decision of dishonesty to turn a blind eye to my responsibility and instead decide to entertain myself, instead of realizing how I am actually diminishing myself within such a moment as I am implying that I will not stand up for myself and the commitments and responsibilities I have made and instead shut myself down in creating conflict within myself, as I have seen/realized and understand how and what the consequences I create from such a decision which is always internal conflict and self judgment, because I am aware of what I am able to do and am in the process of realizing and living what I am potentially able to do and thus in that moment, not gifting myself to expand myself in showing myself what I am actually made if… realizing within all of this it is a matter of will and a simple decision – stand up for myself as Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize the self interest I am existing within in not making the decision that is best for all in such a moment of deciding to do something that makes me feel better instead of what is necessary to be done – perhaps here I can look into how I define responsibilities of being ‘hard work’ within a negative context and thus desire the polarity of a positive experience to feel good – instead of realizing the more important things I could be doing within this world, within my life, within each moment I have HERE – to investigate myself and expand myself and challenge myself and actually do something of worth in this world, like educating myself on what the hell is going on here and finding ways to live solutions that are best for all/me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, in moments of deciding within self interest to entertain myself instead of taking responsibility for myself within the priorities in my day, believe I have all the time in the world and that somehow there will be a magic solution in sorting out myself and this world – instead of realizing it must be within and as me, alone, in that I am the only one that can change me and thus I must live this change, and giving into the self interest desire to be entertained to feel good within the energy experience of the mind is not changing and is not considering what is best for all – as it is not within the awareness of who I am here and the responsibility I have and have committed myself to be/live/share in this life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the gift I have been given to be here in this life, on this earth, as I have the opportunity to walk a process of rebirth, eradicating from myself all that is of self interest and abuse to the whole of humanity, and thus purifying myself to be that which is best for all, life as self honesty, self forgiveness and self directive principle and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in moments of deliberately deciding to entertain myself instead of being responsibility for myself and my life and what needs to be done, squander the gift I have been giving by not living to my full potential

I commit myself to living the realization that each moment I have a choice to stand up for life or settle for my self interest and in this I commit myself to always choose what is best for all

I commit myself to deliberate decide to change who I am to be that of an effective human being in this world, that truly cares about myself and all life, to not give in or give up in accepting the self definitions within my mind

I commit myself to always make the deliberate decision within moments as awareness of my breath to be that which is best for all

I commit myself to stop seeking entertainment in the desire to 'feel good' and within this commit myself to define responsibilities as 'hard work' within a negative energy that I then attempt to run from in seeking it's polarity

I commit myself to slow myself down with/as my breath to see who I am in each moment, and what decisions I am making as I realize they are always deliberate

I commit myself to always consider what is best for all

I commit myself to eradicate of myself that which is of self interest, as the mind's need for entertainment and to feel good, and thus commit myself to walk my life with commitment and purpose to establish within myself equality and oneness as what is best for all

I commit myself to educate myself about this world, to get to know the ins and outs of it, to see how it functions in order the realize the solutions that are able to practical change our world and within this I equally commit myself to investigate myself, in getting to know the ins and outs of who I am and how I am and the nature I have accepted as myself, to find solutions within myself and my living that reflect a life that is best for all within this I commit myself to walking the desteni i process, applying the tools of writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, self corrective application, to show myself that i am capable of living more then how I've accepted myself to live in this life

I commit myself to honor the gift of being here, to walk the commitments in creating a world that is best for all through/as an equal money system - to bring life back to life and honoring all life as equal


Featured Artwork By: Matti Freeman
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