30 September 2012

Day 74 - Polarity Games of the Mind

This blog is in relation to a polarity play-out I have had within myself/my mind, wherein in the past couple years I have had this experience of 'missing' and 'longing for' a past relationship. It is what I would consider obsessive. Thoughts always popping up and running, consuming many moments inside my mind about this past relationship. As of recently - the opposite polarity has shown its face. Wherein instead of having this feeling of "I miss him, I want to see me, maybe... someday..." now it's this "He's not worth it, I'm better off without him." So in allowing this negative feeling of, "I miss him and I feel sad about it", reaching for and creating/accepting this positive polarity energy of "I am better off without him, he's not worth it" and so building myself up in my mind as being better then the experience I had before.



So what this point is supporting in allowing me to see is how specifically the Mind moves in polarity - how if we allow one point to exist, such a 'negative', then the opposite polarity, actually it's equal, the other side of the SAME coin, shows up of "positive" and so it's the back and forth, up and down, friction creating experience, where I trap myself in circling around this one point of a past relationship, instead of simply SEEING the reality that is here and allowing myself to let go. Obviously there is more here for me to look at, like what am I defining of myself within this mind experience of thoughts, feelings and emotion in relation to this other person... how have I defined the relationship in separation of myself, wherein I believe I am 'missing something/me'. So it's to realize the games we play with ourselves wherein we will accept these 'highs and lows' within ourselves and our Mind, all within self interest, as it's about ME, instead of letting go of the self definitions of 'who we are', as we have beLIEved or accepted and allowed of ourselves, and be able to be HERE, present in each moment as breath. But for this blog, I will apply self forgiveness of allowing myself to participate in the polarity of the mind - instead of see one side and stopping it in that moment, before I create the polarity and thus the friction/internal conflict within myself which uses and abuses my physical energy in creating energy for the mind to only sustain and create more distractions and enslavement.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the 'negative experience' within my mind within/as thoughts, feeling and emotions, wherein I will think about something and through that thinking about something, create an experience within myself of 'feeling bad' or 'feeling sad' or 'missing something' and thus within this separate myself from the moment as life as the breath, through thinking myself into believing the experience I AM CREATING through participating in the thoughts that arise



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to participate in ONE polarity, such as negative OR positive thoughts, feelings or emotions within my mind, that I am equal and one creating the opposite polarity and thus causing friction within myself wherein I will feel low and attempt to then reach for the positive, and if I am too high for too long, REALITY will surface and thus I am shoved back down to repeat the cycle



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the negative polarity within my mind and through this accept, allow and create the opposite polarity within myself with thoughts feeling and emotions, as feeling 'positive' wherein I attempt to feel better about the 'negative' experience I accepted and allowed before, instead of seeing the trap I am creating for myself as being influenced and directed by the negative and positive polarities



I forgive ymself that i have accepted and allowed myself to through accepting and allowing the negative experience within myself that I create through thoughts feelings and emotions, desire to opposite polarity, as a way to feel better about myself and within this defining myself according to the feelings I allow within myself, as being 'negative or positive', instead of realizing that is NOT life - LIFE is simply here, as the breath, constant and the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow and thus I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as life as being 'positive or negative', instead of allowing myself to realize that LIFE is the breath and thus not opposite nor polar, simply here



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self interest in cycling through the polarities within myself, and my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, within allowing a negative experience withing myself and to within this want to get to the opposite polarity to feel better about myself, all the while being consumed with MYSELF with either feeling shitty about ME and what has happened to ME, (not at ALL considering what is happening to this whole fucking world and the reality of life that is here) and then to within this desire to feel better, to 'pick myself up' as a way to define myself as 'ok' in this world



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to accept and allow polarity within myself, through accepting and allowing negative AND positive thoughts, feelings and emotions, I am accepting and allowing Polarity within this world and thus accept and allow some to live 'negative' and some to live 'positive' - revealing the reason WHY the world is current this reflected, as we are busy with polarity, the gap becomes bigger, and the fear and desire and self interest rules the world



I forgive myself that i have not yet accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am within and without within this reality is what creates, accepts and allows what this world is and how Life is lived, and as we can see we have created an atrocity, and so I forgive myself that i have failed to realize that I am responsible for who I am within myself and thus responsible for what this world is that I see and never allowing myself to stand within STOPPING the polarities within myself, to stand and STOP the polarities in this world



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize I must BE the change I want to see in this world, and so practically this must be walked in stopping the polarity of negative and positive, stopping the inequality, stopping the fear and desire, stopping that which enslaves and traps and misleads life that is being lived here, where many suffer and others ignore



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept the polarity within myself as "who I am' within accepting myself as the mind - instead of realizing, that through breathing, and really slowing down, I can see clearly the mind exist as polarity and only by stopping my participation, will I see the truth of what I have created/accepted/allowed



When and as I see myself participating within negative OR positive thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself, I STOP and I breathe, and I bring myself back to the realization that LIFE IS NOT POLARITY, LIFE is Equal and ONE and constant in it's living application = THE BREATH and thus I COMMIT myself to stopping ALL polarities and to live Equal and One with/as the Breath that is of life and supporting me to be of life in this one life I have



I commit myself to stopping my participation within the Mind of polarities and commit myself to walk each moment with/as each breath, to remain equal and one with what is REALly Life - this physical reality, as our physical bodies, equal and one and of the same source



I commit myself to stopping any polarity within myself, whether positive or negative, realizing BOTH are in separation of myself as breath, as I realize when I'm thinking, I am not breathing and thus not standing equal and one with this physical reality = the REAL world and thus I commit myself to stop the separation that I have allowed through participating/accepting/allowing/defining life to be in the limited space within the mind



I commit myself to no longer create friction and conflict within myself wherein I follow the highs and lows of the mind as a way to be directed in who I am, and commit myself to direct myself in each moment, through breathing in and breathing out, and moving me in each moment to ensure that I am here and not living from the starting point of polarity as the mind



I commit myself to investigate who I am as the mind,with writing as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be as defining who I am as the thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself, and get to know myself so that I am able to stop and correct hat which exists as self interest and thus accepts and allows self interest within/as this world where we do not consider/care about each other, we are only consumed with ourselves and how we can feel better or be better then others or.. commit myself to be self honest in seeing myself for real, the truth of myself that I attempt to ignore through playing the polarity game of the mind



I commit myself to daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, realizing that only through self reflection/investigation will we dis-cover the truth about who we are and what life is and WHY what is here, is here



I commit myself to create a world that is best for all, within/as equality and oneness through creating a world within myself that is best for all, stopping all polarities and self interest and becoming a responsible human being within myself that exists wtihin self honesty, in always standing in the shoes of another and asking myself, "is this best for all"



Featured Arwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

23 September 2012

Day 73 - Reactions to "Who I was"


This blog is in relation to 'past memories' of 'who I was' and what I accepted and allowed within interacting with others. There is regret when looking at these memories, for who I was, what I did and what I didn't do. Even for how I judged the other person and allowed these judgments to direct me in ending the relationship.


So regret for who I was in a past relationship/interaction with another for accepting and allowing my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, and judgments to direct me in making the decision to stop contact with this being. It was all self interest - only considering myself in the interaction/relationship - not being self honest about my experience, only accepting the way I was and not at all considering to communicate about it with the other person. Very selfish, as I was acting out within what I wanted or did want, what I felt or didn't felt and what I wanted to do or didn't want to do - it was all about me, again - not at all considering the other person, but of only myself. And so within this, regret and shame for what I accepted and allowed and wonder even within this of what I might have missed out - how I limited myself within ending the relationship/interaction without fully investigating myself or the decision to stop communication


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when looking at a past memory of having a relationship/interaction with another being - experience regret and shame for who I was and what I accepted and allowed within me as the form of judgments and to within this allow it to direct me and my decision to ultimately end the interaction/relationship with this being based within self interest, of only considering myself, what i was experiencing and not once considering the other being and how it would effect them or consider even to communicate with them about what i was experiencing


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto regret and shame for who I was in the past relationship and interactions I had with this being - judging myself for what I accepted and allowed, instead of forgiving myself for who I was and what I lived to be able to set myself free from who I was and no longer allow myself to bound myself to the past - to be able to face myself - my whole life, in how I lived and who I was and see it's no longer me


I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgments to/towards another being I was in a relationship/interaction with wherein I judged them for little things in the way that they moved and communicated and within this decide I no longer wanted to be in a relationship/interaction with them, without realizing the tools of self investigation as writing, and self honesty wherein I have the ability to bring all points directed towards others to myself and see in self honesty what it is I am accepting and allowing to then be able to direct myself to really consider all points in the relationship and not simply be directed my thoughts, feelings and emotions of the mind wherein self interest reigns


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self interest in relationship/interaction with another being in the past, wherein I decided based on thoughts, feelings and emotions to direct me within ending the relationship/interaction, without looking at who I was within these thoughts, feelings and emotions that were telling me I wanted to end the relationship


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of who I have been in my past, without realizing self forgiveness is the key to set self free and no longer hide within fear of the past as who I was, but to be able to face it within self responsibility and self honesty to realize, this is who I was, yet I will no longer accept and allow this of myself, and so I face myself as who I was in the past, and release all feelings and emotions I allowed to direct me within who I was living within and as


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within self interest of only considering myself and my experience within myself in relation to another being I was in relationship/interaction with, to within this end the relationship/interaction based on myself and myself alone, without considering the other being, but actually blaming them for 'who they were' as not being 'good enough' to interact with and thus within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as superior to another being within thoughts, feelings and emotions and to within this, be directed to end the relationship/interaction within the starting point of self interest, where I was not getting what I wanted and thus was no longer going to participate in the relationship


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not consider, equally, others that I am in relationship or interaction with - to only consider myself, how i feel, what i think, what I am experiencing as if I am the center of the universe, and to not take into consideration the other being and so within this realizing the limited perception to only think of oneself's experience, not realizing a whole other being in the equation of the relationship


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as selfishness and self interest in relation to others in my world and reality - wherein I only consider myself and not the other being(s) - thus revealing to me why the world is the way it is - why so many exist in blind ignorance to the atrocities that are happening daily to the other 7 billion people on this planet and thus showing that my inner is reflected by the outer, where we do not consider others in this world - but only CONcern ourselves with ourselves - losing ourselves from reality within our internal reality of the mind where we keep ourselves busy with our thoughts, feelings and emotions that tell us who we must be, how we must act and who we will have in our reality or not - instead of breathing, taking all points directed outwards back to ourselves within self responsibility and to consider all others here as myself, equal and one and so within this stopping the self interest of the reality of the mind within myself, and getting back to reality of physicality where all life is here - equal and one


When and as I see myself reacting to who I was in the past, within memories - I stop and I breathe, and I bring myself back to myself here in the moment, and I allow myself to utilize the gift that is self forGIVEness - wherein I release myself from who I was and stand within/as self responsibility to realize that I am currently walking a process to change the "who I was' into "who I am" here - as life, as all as one as equal, within and as each breath


I commit myself to stop reacting to who I was within and as my past - and walk the process of facing myself as who I was in the past - realizing this is the only way to truly changing self - seeing self in self honesty in who I am, how I live and what I accept and allow, within myself and outside of myself - and no longer allowing myself to be directed by my mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions, but to remain here, constant within who I am, as each breath in changing myself in each moment


I commit myself to forgiving myself for who I was in the past, with daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, in realizing that the past is not who I really am - it was who I accepted and allowed myself to be and thus I commit myself to realize and to LIVE the change I want to see in this world - realizing it can only start with me


I commit myself to stopping the self interest of believing that I am the center of the universe wherein I will only consider myself in relationship or interaction with others in my world and my reality - I commit myself to stand in the shoes of ALL that is here to be able to thus face ALL that is here in self responsibility - in taking care of what is HERE within this life and to no longer accept and allow any self interest within or without - but to consider ALL life that is here


I commit myself to stop possessing myself with thoughts, feelings and emotions that direct me in my day to day living - I commit myself to direct myself as each breath to ensure I am never in reaction or judgment or self interest or fear or anxiety or anger or lust or desire - but to always clear myself from any internal reaction to then be able to direct myself to SEE clearly in each moment without the fog of the mind as beliefs and perceptions - realizing this is what is best for all


I commit myself to stop living regret and shame to to LIVE for real, fully, in each moment, directing myself within/as always the awareness of what is best for all to then be able to always, in all ways, live out loud - without shame, without regret, but constantly HERE



22 September 2012

Day 72-I don't want to Work!

Day 72 – Sept 8th 2012


Today I worked and did not want to be there and when the chance came for me to go home early – I took it. Without considering the fact that I require to work in order to have money and the more money I have in this world – the more I am able to move and get shit done. So – it was not in the best interest of me/all to go home early – yet I allowed laziness to take over and ‘gave in’ to the point of ‘not wanting to work’



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when given the opportunity to go home early, react immediately with a yes, without taking a moment to actually consider the reality of the situation and consider the fact that while I am in school, I am not working as much, and without money, I cannot do much, like survive – and thus was not considering what was best in that moment of deciding to go home early, only was ‘feeling’ and ‘experiencing’ laziness and tiredness and decided based on this self-created experience to go home



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the experience and feelings generated by thoughts of ‘not wanting to be at work/working’ direct myself in the decision to go home early, without considering and being self honest in the moment about the reality of my financial situation and realizing thus that staying would = more money and thus be self supportive for me



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to work and hate that I Have to work – instead of realizing it is the system that I participate and thus support in me being here that forces one to work in order to survive, as we require money through the jobs we have and until I, with and as a group – stand together and recreate this world that is best for all – with equal money, I will have to stand up and do what is necessary to be done, standing equal to what is here and get the job done which means where we are currently in this reality is to work in order to survive, in order to live



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider my self interest above what is best for me/all in deciding in self interest that the way I was feeling was more important the the actual reality, which currently requires money



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself while at work in giving in to the thoughts of ‘I don’t want ot be here’, ‘I would rather be at home’ – instead of stopping those thoughts, breathing, being in the physical reality and getting the job done



I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that what this current world system is - is that where we require to work in order to live and thus the consequences of our creation as humanity and so I face the consequences of who we are and breath each moment to do what it is I have to do in order to support myself in this reality and to be able to walk a process, effectively and sufficient to get myself into position to change this world by changing our current economic system and so I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to put what is best for all before what is best for my self interest through giving into the desire to go home early based on feelings, emotions and thoughts, instead of breathing here and remaining self honest about staying at work so that I could get the moment I currently require to be here



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in moments of wanting to give up and not work, go into the justifications within my mind that "I have worked hard for a long time, I can take a break" instead of realizing the dishonesty in this moment in allowing my minds desire of self interest to be directing myself in my reality, where the reality IS i have to work and so I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to in the moment of the thought as justification arise within my mind, to in that moment, stop, breathe and actually consider reality and not pay attention to the illusion reality of the mind



When and as I see myself participating in the "I don't want to work" character - I stop and I breath and I remain self honesty within and as myself within and as this reality and realize that currently i require to work, and until I stand equal and one as this world in changing it into what is best for all, where all life is honored with the ability to live without having to work, as equal money, I will have to walk the consequences of what has been created as our economic system, where money defines life and so I commit myself to stop all self interest characters that dictate my living and responsibility in this world where i believe I don't have to work, and remain self honest about what is necessary to be done and realize that currently I require money to do the things I need to do to get this done in this one life



When and as I see myself going into justifications of why I don't have to work - I stop and I breathe and I do not allow my mind to direct me away from seeing/living self responsibility as self honesty, wherein I realize we require money to do anything, including survive, in this world and thus I do not allow any justifications as to why I don't have to work direct me, within this realizing that the justification stage of the mind follows the participation in the character as thoughts that tell me I don't want to work, based on feelings and emotions and thus I commit myself to stop ALL thoughts that arise in the moment as to not allow myself to get to the moment of self sabotage as justifications for myself to do what my mind tells me to do and thus I commit myself to direct myself within my life in each moment as breath, within self responsibility and self honest to see/realize/understand thus live what is necessary to be done and thus I push myself to work when ever I have the ability to do so



I commit myself to writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application daily, along with breathing in each moment, to change myself from the nature of self interest, into what is best for all within realizing the outer reflects the inner and thus I commit myself to changing inner in order to change the outer which will result in the changing of our current economic system from one of self interest and the individualized pursuit of happiness, to one of equality and oneness where all life is honored equally within the birth rights given from/of this earth, equal money supporting all life, not just humans, to exist here in honor and dignity






Equal Money
Desteni

19 September 2012

Day 71 - Who am I without my Looks?


Recently I have been experiencing this point in relation to no longer placing emphasis on the way that I look, and more about 'who I am' in my day to day living. More specifically in looking at past relationships, I see how I existed on autopilot where I was in no way concerned about who I am as a living being, but only cared about the presentation of myself, the way that I looked, physically... the shape of my body, the structure of my face, the way my hair looks, and I wondered what is it that kept the relationships in my life... What I realize is that I fear it’s been just my looks that have attracted relationships to me and behind that, I have nothing to offer. That is what I have counted on and depended on and only cared about as a way to ‘get through’ life.



Looking deeper within this - my fear is that I am unable to be effective in communication and relations with others, that i Have nothing to offer, that all I have valued is the way that I look to 'get what I want' aka acceptance from others and so without the value on my appearance - what is left?



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am on the way that I physically look - the shape of my body, the structure of my face, the way my hair looks - defining myself as these physical attributes as 'who I am' within this world within wanting to be accepted by societies definition of acceptable - beautiful



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the desire to be accepted by society based on the image of beauty - strive to perfect my physical look as to match the image society says is 'good' and thus pay no attention to the inner being that reveals the truth of who I really am, and only value the outer picture in which I can present and play any character that will fulfill my self interest of being accepted and superior to others



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within attempting to perfect the picture of myself as societies definition of beauty, ignore the real me that is revealed to me in the thoughts I Have and the reactions I exist within and as - wherein the truth of the inner does not match the picture of the outer and so in attempt to hide the ugly, desire to exist as the polarity - beautiful



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within the self interest desire to be accepted by others through the way that I look, fail to develop myself as a real human being, one that is here present in every moment, perfected principled living wherein all life is considered equal and one and no polarity exist, no good/bad, ugly/beautiful... only life here in/as the physical



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to through my seeking to be seen as the perfect picture that is acceptable to others within society - fear that without the perfect presentation that others will define as beautiful, I will have nothing to offer anyone and others will no longer want to be with me/around me



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself so much within my physical appearance, that without it I fear I am no one and nothing - revealing here the desire to be something special, within a world where many suffer, I desire to be special, revealing the self interest that traps and blinds myself from the reality of this world as the truth of who we are with an illusion as a pretty picture



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without a pretty face - I will no longer be liked and accepted by others



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within 'who I am' as a living expression of myself within every breath, that in turn I have depended on the outer picture of myself that i Have been told is beautiful as my ticket to the safety cell that is the prison called living in this world



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence based on the way that I look, so much so that I fear not having 'good looks' as I believe without it, I will be nothing and no one will like me



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the point I am exposing here in self forgiveness, as if I have to be ashamed, instead of realizing this is the nature in which I have created myself to be in a world where survival of self is pursued above anything else and so my desire to find ways to 'fit in' and 'be accepted' is what has been taught unto me, and so I stop the shame and face the reality of myself and stop myself from continuing to exist where looks are more valuable then life



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself fear the only reason I have had relationships in the past was because of the way that I looked, and within this fear being used for the way that I look and so within this I forgive myself that i Have accepeted and allowed myself to use myself for the way that I look, to get what I desire, what i want, what I fear not having



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will never have a relationship in my life because I am no longer placing emphasis on the way that I look and instead am investigating the self as 'who I am' as a living expression and so fear no one will be 'attracted' to me



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of not having a relationship with another separate and outside of myself instead of realizing the only relationship I am required to have is the one with myself and the search and desire for a relationship with another is actually the search and desire for a relationship with myself



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having anything to offer another without the value I have placed on my looks, instead of realizing that i have not yet offered anything to myself, as I have been busy my whole life attempting to please others for them to accept and like me that i Have not considered giving to myself that which I desire from others



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am nothing without a pretty face



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am nothing without perfect hair



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am nothing without a 'sexy' body



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to place so much emphasis on the outer picture of myself because I was deliberately attempting to hide from myself, the real me that is here within and as every thought, every emotion, every feeling, every reaction, every memory, every judgment, every opinion, every belief, every single experience that i Have as 'who I am' in this life is the truth of me and behind the veil is the starting point in which I have created all of it - out of fear of survival. Survival in being protected, safe, cared for, accepted and a 'place' within the group called humanity



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe looks will get me through life and that if I look good enough to others, I will be safe and secure in this world



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my looks is that which defines who I am, instead of realizing it is in the living action I take every day, and the breath by breath acceptance and allowance within and as myself that reveals the true nature of myself and so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as who I am as the expression of myself to be that of only my looks - a picture



When and as I see myself going into judgments of myself based on the way that I look - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the awareness that 'who I am' is NOT defined by the picture of myself, but who I am within and without as the way that I live in each moment of breath, what I accept and allow within and without, in myself and in this world - that is what defines who I am, the whole of me as who I am here



When and as I see myself going into fear of not being 'good enough' within this world without a pretty face and a nice body - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that to define myself according to the way I physically look, limits the expression of who I am and thus I stop striving to be a picture that society defines as perfect and walk the process of perfecting myself as life as that which lives in every moment of every breath ensuring only that which is best for all is here and ever created



I commit myself to stop living to be a picture and start living to be a real human being that cares for myself as all life equal and one



I commit myself to stop supporting the ugly/beauty polarity within this world that separates life from life through defining some as more then others based on the physical appearance



I commit myself to value me as life here as equal and one with all life as me here, with each and as each breath I take



I commit myself to stopping the programmed nature in which I have accepted and allowed of myself wherein I play the character in the game of life - I stop the script and rescript myself to be that of life, that which is best for all, that which is equality and oneness



I commit myself to walking the Journey to Life - the 7 Year process to nothingness - removing all patterns and programs from the flesh of me and start over from nothing within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application - ensure that I remove all that which has been passed onto to me from generations before as the sins of the fathers that define life to be fear of survival, and recreate myself to be that which is best for all life - considering myself and life that is here for real as this physical reality within and as equality and oneness and to give unto others as I would like to receive



18 September 2012

Day 70 - The Character within Wearing Clothes



Today I was distracted by my clothes. My shirt kept clinging to me and so I had this experience of being uncomfortable – like I was not satisfied… more specifically, did not feel ‘good’ in regards to how I looked, especially to others, and kept obsessing about my shirt. Also – my hair was not looking ok to me today, and again, was distracted by it… and the whole experience I can see is rooted in this fear of how others see me/desire to be seen as beautiful, or at least attractive enough to catch someone’s attention.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself away from being here as the breath, as life living self honestly, with thoughts about my clothes not sitting on my body to my satisfaction



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself through going into my mind and obsessing about my clothes and how they were being worn on me, and reacting to their ‘staticness’ and relating that to an experience of not being able to enjoy myself in clothes, as support, but reacting that they were not fitting well



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable within myself created through thoughts about how my clothes looked on me and not being satisfied because I was not creating an experience of contemptment by the way that I looked in my clothes, and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to value the picture and image of me in clothes, instead of the physical practical support of clothes



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define wearing clothes within the polarity of “good” or “bad” wherein I define them as “good’ when I THINK I look ‘good’ in them; attractive to others and define them as “bad” when I judge myself for the clothes I wear and fear how others are seeing me as not attractive



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe clothes are to be worn for the acceptance of others, instead of realizing their practical physical reality purpose – to be comfortable and able to move effectively in this world



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself use clothes I wear as a way to feed my ego of desiring to be attractive to others, - believe this is what will make me happy and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness upon how others see me as being attractive or not by the clothes I wear



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to wear clothes I believe others will like, without taking into consideration MYSELF and what I would like to wear, for MYSELF, realizing its ME wearing the clothes



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through my participation in obsessing or concerning myself about the clothes I wear and whether they are 'acceptable' or not to others - support this world system in which fashion and beauty are deemed valuable - without considering or regarding the physical living of myself as a body, and instead attempt and try to fit in and mold myself to be the picture I have been programmed to define as beautiful and within this desire to be that picture, in fear that if I don't I wont be accepted in this world



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to value the clothes I wear instead of the being that I am as a physical, breathing expression of life that is of substance of the earth



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to through my own judgments of how I look in clothes, judge others in how they look in clothes



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the picture defines who a being is, instead of realizing it is within the picture the being is as who they are in what they accept and allowed and thus realize within the picture I present I am attempting to be something separate from me - an image I have been told is beautiful



I forgive myself that iH ave accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to be only a picture or image for others to see



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to wear certain clothes to create a certain image only supports the characters in this world to serve the self interest of individualized self interest as the pursuit of happiness - instead of taking into consideration LIFE that is here and how it currently suffers and to stop playing the game of personalities that writes a story where life is separated



When and as I see myself obsessing over the clothes I am wearing through desiring/fearing how I look to others - I STOP and I breathe and I realize it doesn't matter as I am not a picture, I am a flesh and bones human being, breathing and equal and one to all others as flesh of this earth



When and as I see myself attempting to create an energetic experience within myself by and through the clothes I wear, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the realization/awareness, that I am not the clothes I wear and to attempt to be the image I am attempting to portray as the character of myself in the game of Life, I am limiting who I am as an expression of life, saying that this is only who I am, a picture presentable to others



When and as I see myself creating a polarity through defining clothes within the 'good' or 'bad' which create a positive or negative experience within me - I stop and I breathe and I allow myself to realize that Life is not polarity - and to bring myself back within the walking application of breath by breath to remain constant and stable within physical reality to no longer support the friction and conflict within myself that is caused through participating in the energy charge of polarity - I commit myself to redefine clothes to be within the considering of effective and practically living



I commit myself to stopping the character of the mind that desire to look good for others through the clothes I wear and in stopping my character I stop others characters and thus stop this world from playing a game where some are better then others or less then others, and all can stand equal as living flesh



I commit myself to stop the polarities within the mind of how I define life and living through breathing, writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, to no longer accept and allow life to be polarized but to live the realization that life is equal



I commit myself to expose how the current monetary system supports separation wherein those with money can buy the image that appeals to those without money, forever trapping them in the desire to have that same image



I commit myself to stop living as a picture and to get real in this physical reality through/as/by the breath



I commit myself to stop giving my value away outside and separate from me here through beliving my clothes define myself and who I am in this world and where I stand in relation to others, I commit myself to stop living for others and how others see me - and give myself the gift of seeing and living myself here in every moment of breath



I commit myself to walking the journey to life for the next 7 years, writing daily, with self forgiveness and self corrective application as I see/realize/understand that only through stopping myself in what I accept and allow within and as me, will I be able to create and direct effective and real change in this world and thus commit myself to investigating who I am as the addictions I have created to energy, in seeking positive feedback from others in fear of negative feedback from others and start living for myself here, in each moment, for all as one as equal as myself



05 September 2012

Day 69 - Relationship Energy Addict


All day yesterday I was consumed with the desire for attention of a guy – a point of focus I could zoom in on to keep me busy – to keep me entertained. Looking for energy to get me excited and feeling like I want to live. Fuck – that’s sad.



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe the reason for life is the idea of love found between 2 people



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to never question the relationships that currently exist within this world, when we claim ‘love exists’ between 2 people, and yet the world around us shows something else, I never second guessed it and got in line to be the next one up – to win the jackpot that found love in this world, to feel good and not have to face the reality of our existence



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the casino system of relationships –where some win big with believing they are in love, and others stay in hope, waiting for their chance to be the ‘big winner’



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the possibility of finding love in a relationship with another



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life based on relationships with others



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to so utterly ignore myself and the relationship with myself that I Have become desperate in ‘finding’ a relationship with another



I forgive myself that I Have never allowed myself to realize that that which I seek in another – I have not yet realized/lived/gifted to myself... more so, I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to LIVE the realization that that which I seek from another, I am seeking from myself and thus commit myself to giving to myself that which I beLIEve I can only find in another - realizing EVERYTHING in this world is in REVERSE.



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the hope of finding someone I can be in a relationship with and believe I will live ‘happily ever after’



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept and never question the fairytale stories that were told to me by adults, about finding someone to be in love with and believing that that is the purpose of life – instead of investigating for myself what Life is in fact and realize that life is not currently here in this world, and the pretty picture is just a cover up for the undignified existence we have become



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate the current state of the world that says, “find your bliss” and “follow your dreams” and “pursue your happiness” – instead of seeing the truth of this as being a self interest human that does not take into consideration what this world is actually showing, all the systems, all the relationships, all the religions, all the cultures, all the war, the poverty, the abuse, the suffering… showing us our seeking for ‘fullfillment” implies we have not fulfilled our life here on earth – we have allowed it to be destroyed, and keep destroying it when it is not questioned, challenged and CHANGED



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use relationship as a means in which I believe I can find my happiness, implying that I am not capable of being happy here with me, not even considering that until all of humanity is happy as being supported equally to live – happiness does not exist in this world



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love as a drug in which I have become addicted, where I seek the next high to get me buzzed with the ‘feeling’ of love, instead of realizing it’s energy – that I consume from my physical body to feed the mental reality of ‘feeling good’… instead of taking a breath and looking at the truth of myself, and the truth of this world.. and stopping the seeking outside of myself and once and for all – realize myself here



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is about feelings projected another another being



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to wait within my life in CONtentment, seeking the next thing that will keep me satisfied in complacency, where I can pretend that “life is good” because I am cared for, and loved by another and as I have all my basic needs met, I beLIEve I am thus free of any responsibility for the whole of humanity that suffers from the imaginary dream world we all participate in



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time seeking something outside of me, such as relationships, instead of realizing the only relationship I am looking for is with me – is ME HERE.. and once I have the relationship with myself sorted out – then and ONLY then will I have a real substantial relationship with another – where I am no longer expecting them to give to me that which I can only give to myself and I am able to thus give of myself unconditionally, as I am then giving myself all that I need and so would not expect anything in return within self interest, only an equal participant in creating a world that is best for all



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will find the meaning and purpose of my life in a relationship with another



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe being in a relaitnship with another is the only way I can have joy in this life



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the desire for relationship so much so that when I am not in a relationship – I am kept busy within myself with thoughts about being in a relationship and thus not satisfied with myself, here, in my life currently, as I am breathing… not taking the breath as me as that which is really alive, my physical body… stopping for just a moment to see, hear, be here.. and realize… life is joy, I am joy and once I am able to be here as joy, as it’s real within this physical reality, I will no longer seek life outside of me, I will be life, living every breath I take



I commit myself to stopping all desire and addiction to relationships outside of myself and live the realization that the only relationship I seek is the one with me - in getting to know myself, who I am really, and doing that through committing myself to daily writing, breathing, self honesty, self forgiveness, until I give of myself so that my cup is full and no longer exist within wants, needs and desires separate and outside of myself here









Day 68 - Persuading myself with Thoughts




I don’t want to write, and the excuses coming up are, “I’ve been in school all day, I just want to relax” and “I have a head ache, I just want to lay down” and “I want to go to bed early to ensure I get up early tomorrow and break this habit I have been creating of staying up late and getting up late in the day”

And so seeing these thoughts as persuasive, I almost gave in… yet I wont give up, and I will remove this until only I remain, the I that is here as breath that decided who I am and what I do, and no longer allowing my mind to direct me.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing as the back chat of, “I’ve been in school all day, I just want to relax” within believing that I am actually too tired to take the time and support myself in writing myself out, to make sure I am clear and direct myself and not being a slave to the mind telling me what to do



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to tempt myself as the back chat of, “I’ve been in school all day, I just want to relax” as a way to justify the resistance I have created to writing – I stop this and push myself through the resistance as I type these words and stand clear, breathing here, to sort out this dictatorship of the mind



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being with myself as the words I write, not want to see myself or take responsibility for myself and believing it’s ‘easier’ to not write, instead of realizing it’s the blissful ignorance that I don’t have to change when I clearly see I must change for anything to change, and thus I commit myself to be the change through creating a new habit that is best as writing everyday and stopping the habits that suppress and support abuse in myself and in this world through no longer allowing myself to ‘relax’ when I see it’s my minds way of not having to sit down, look within and see what is here, always keeping it simple



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing within and as the back chat in my mind of, “I have a head ache, I just want to lay down”, instead of stopping the thoughts as the excuses I give myself that I tempt myself with as to not be responsible for who I am and what I allow within myself and thus within this world, I realize that this point will come back again until I direct myself and stop taking direction from the thoughts, and so I stop it in this moment and write myself out



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use a head ache as a reason for why I don’t have to write today, instead of realizing that besides the head ache, that is not very strong, I am perfectly capable of writing here, I just have to get out of my head and be in the physical , as breath, to do the physical act of writing



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to allow the mind as an alternate reality and a voice in my head that I believe is me, tell me what to do, as the back chat of, “I have a head ache, I just want to lay down” – instead of simply breathing, stopping the thought and going straight to the point that I believe I “don’t want to do” and allow myself to expand through doing that which I resist



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance within myself towards writing as the back chat of, “I want to go to bed early to ensure I get up early tomorrow and break this habit I have been creating of staying up late and getting up late in the day” – allowing this justification to be the reason as to “why I don’t want/have to write”, instead of realizing it is simply me and the mind’s defense mechanism, to not have to see what I am, who I am and what I have allowed within myself, because if I were to see, in self honesty – I would realize the shit that I allow, and as I see in this world revealing the reflection of myself – and so I stop the justification and stand here, breathing, writing, and no longer allowing any excuse within myself when the physical reality shows that I can, and am able and thus I move



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in thoughts that tell me “I can’t” and “ill do it later” and “tomorrow will be better” – when I have in fact seen where this path goes, and I refuse to allow this of myself, no more, it stops here. I push through, I breathe, and I see the thoughts for what they are – my prison that keeps me confined to ‘stay the same’ and to not change and not see how I am able to be the solution I have been seeking, realizing… I am Here.



I commit myself to taking absolute responsibility for myself here, as life, as an equal participant in creating and sustaining what this world currently is, and so I commit myself to write myself out each day, to sit with myself in support of myself, to create self trust in myself, trusting that I will be responsible for the abuse in this world as I become responsible for the abuse I allow in my internal world, and thus commit to be the change, from the inside out, with writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, breathing and corrective application - the actual Journey to Life - purifying ourselves in each moment



I commit myself to stop all justifications, excuses, reasons and manipulative tactics of myself to keep me from seeing me, within me, as who I am as the mind, as the thoughts, as the characters, as the personalities that have all been programmed into me as 'who I am' through the generations that have gone before - I stop and question all of it and find it's origin in my life, and remove the point to ensure that I am here no longer perpetuating the sins of the fathers



I commit myself to realizing that no thought justifying a reason to not write is ever valid, as I see the thought always direct the physical reality - when in fact the physical is the key - the real reality and so I stand equal as the director of myself as a physical being in this physical reality to physically write myself, see myself, get to know myself everyday




03 September 2012

Day 67 - The Preacher Character

Today I had lunch with a friend. We got together after about a year and a half of not seeing or speaking to each other. I didn’t think it was for any particular reason, yet she did bring up the point of how I was a bit forceful with her about the ‘desteni point’ and that she seemed at some point she had enough. And said that she was glad to see a change in me, wherein I was speaking about how I realize I cannot change anyone, it’s not my responsibility to, I can only live as an example. And so looking at this point, or I should say character – I can see it prominent in my life. More so since I came across the LOA and even into desteni. I would be “this is how it is and you must realize this – see this, realize this” and I would be telling them and telling them without telling myself, and applying it myself and actually living it myself. And I can see while being so busy concerned with whether ‘someone else’ gets it – I miss the point myself – am I getting it? Because I realize that while I’m busy focusing on others, I am deliberately ignoring myself as then I am distracted and reacting to another instead of investigating and seeing myself. So it’s a deliberate character I play – to not have to see, and take responsibility for myself and to ultimately change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the “you must see/realize” character wherein I play the role of being the preacher and preach to others “how they must live” and “how they must be” and “how they must change” instead of realizing the deliberateness of this character in accepting myself to NOT see ME and instead point the finger and attempt to force others to see what it is they are doing

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to change others through the words that I speak, as the preacher character that attempt to force others to see what it is they are doing, what it is this world is doing and thus tell them the solutions they must live – instead of taking it back to myself, and LIVING the solution as MYSELF to thus be an example that is clear in how to actually change in this world. By stopping the blaming and pointing of the fingers and focusing on who self is, the me here that lives and breathes every moment, see what is coming up, who I am, whether I am reacting or not, whether I am allowing feelings and emotions to run me ragged – to wake up and be aware of myself in every moment to ensure that I stop the deliberate act of abdicating my responsibility – as I see that is what the world currently exists as, many blaming the ‘other guy’ as the problem and not taking into account our own participation in this world as self accountability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberate in creating this character that attempt to tell others how they must live and what they must believe and what they must change so that I do not have to change – proving to myself that I am not trustworthy and do not live the words that I speak, as I am preaching to others that have eyes that can see I have not change and so what kind of example is that?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide in the preacher character of telling others how they must be and how they must change, so that I do not have to be responsible for myself, even though I realize I always am, this character is designed so that I can exist in an illusion where I believe I am ‘doing good’ by telling others how they must be – instead of taking it back to myself and stopping the illusion where I believe I have power and control over others and am responsible for them waking up and see who they are in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this character of preaching to others how they must live/how they must change, seek and find an energetic experience within myself wherein I feel good for what I say and what I share, because I believe “I am powerful” and I know it all – instead of realizing this is all ego that is not taking into consideration the many years of accumulated shit each one has accepted and allowed and thus realize the only way to create effective change – is to walk it and live it myself, breath by breath – not just saying the words, but living the actions and I realize that that is done through breathing, being here, stopping the separation within my mind of seeking validation and energy of the ‘high’ of feeling good and sorting out the mess that’s in the mind that believes I can change others without changing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to change without being the change myself

I forgive myself that I Have never accepted and allowed myself to realize that the solution is simple and it is here within and as me – to be the change I want to see in this world, through stopping the mind of self righteousness and getting back to earth, where life is equal and all are one, as we all require the same stuff to exist and are able to without the minds reality of beliefs, knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to spread knowledge and information to others, without living it first as myself – realizing that others will only hear me once I am here, living as me, as what is best for all, as an example

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create the manifested consequences of pushing others away through my attempt to tell them how to be and how to live, without taking this back to myself, to ensure that I am living that which I tell others to live

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to expect from others in this life that which I haven’t yet lived for/as myself

I commit myself to be the change I want to see in this world

I commit myself to realize that I cannot change others – I am only able to change myself

I commit myself to changing myself through breathing, writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, so that I no longer have to TELL people “what to do” but they can see clearly who I am and what is best for all as the living expression of myself as Life

I commit myself to stopping the addiction to energy wherein I attempt to make myself feel good by being a ‘preacher character’ that has all this knowledge and information for others to live better lives, and bring myself back to living life through stopping the energy highs and lows and remain stable here, as each breath, constant, the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow

I commit myself to expect from others only that which I have lived myself

I commit myself to stand within myself in stopping the mind of self righteousness that believe “I know it all” and prove my knowledge to be a solution by living the message

I commit myself to daily writing, and daily self forgiveness, to always live the words I speak that is best for all, “be the change you want to see in this world” – by investigating myself and sorting myself out as I realize this world reflects(the outer) reflects who I am (the inner) and thus I equalize it within walking the Journey to Life and the Desteni Message to once and for all create a world where all live lives equally and no more separation can exist

02 September 2012

Day 66 - The Lie of "Caring What Others Think" and Committing myself to LIFE



There is resistance to place a blog – because I feel these points are ‘too personal’ and don’t want to expose them to others. Don’t want others to see. I realize it’s me I don’t want to see – and it’s me not wanting to expose myself to myself and so trying to protect the image I created

No – because there is still judgments towards myself for the things I exists within myself in my mind

I don’t want to share it because I am ashamed of it – which obviously indicates self dishonesty. As why would I be ashamed of my inner reality if there wasn’t something that I was hiding, keeping secret, using and abusing others within – if my inner reality reflected that which is best for all – equality and oneness, and common sense practical reality insights – then there would be nothing to hide. Yet there exists still reactions and judgments and back chats about other people and blame and I am ashamed for still having these points. Yet I realize – that to be ashamed of myself or in judgment of myself – does not give me a solution – it only compounds and amplifies the experience I already hold. Because the reactions are about me – yet painted as the picture of another, as a way to abdicate self responsibility. So if I were to see it’s all about me, and not fear others knowing what I am actually experiencing, then it wouldn’t matter – because it would be me – not about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold judgments towards myself for how I exist within myself as the mind, as my thoughts and my feelings and my emotions and my reactions and my perceptions and my beliefs and my ideas and what I Have come to accept as ‘who I am’ as the inner reality of myself – to be ashamed of this ‘me’ and allow resistance to exposing it within blogs direct me. Instead of realizing that within this – I am fearing to a)expose it to myself and b) still giving value to how others see/perceive me – when it does not matter, as that is something I cannot control. I am only able to see who I am here, and have only the power to change myself here. Anything outside of myself , such as how others see me/think of me, is not my responsibility and thus only revealing to me that I am still holding judgments against myself as I see I am projecting these judgments onto others by fearing they are judging me.. LOL – what a fuck up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I am and yet blame others for judging me through the fear of beliving they will, instead of taking responsibility for all the inner workings of myself wherein I think/believe/perceive that others will judge me for what I share about the nature of myself and the process I am walking to purify myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, back chats, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, memories, through being ashamed of myself as the inner reality I have created –wherein I do not want to take responsibility and instead want to blame others for who they are in stead of revealing to myself who I am and realizing I am equal and one to the ‘outer’ I so conveniently blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound the experience of shame within myself to/towards myself for who I am within myself, as the mind, as all the inner activities of myself, such as thinking thoughts and following memories and participating in reactions and emotions and feelings as energy that drain my physical body, by not taking responsibility for myself with writing, as resisting the process of writing daily and thus accumulate more guilt and shame for not doing that which I know, and have realized for myself, work and is the solution to stopping the inner mess we exist as and so instead of applying the tools I know change me into a being that actually care and is actually here, actually life, allow myself to suppress myself, suppress my experience with not writing and only ignorning it until it becomes a point I can no longer avoid, deny, and this usually is the most painful path

And so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary conflict within myself by not writing daily, not exposing me to me daily, and then resist the sharing of myself with others that might find support, as I realize it must be done and still I attempt to deny the reality of myself by not writing, and resisting blogging and so create a point of such conflict that I have to stand up, yet I created the circumstances without having to – as I realize I could have just made the decision to ‘do it’ and ‘get it done’

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not yet absolutely stand equal and one with myself as the mind, as the internal reality that I have up till now existed within and as, through not facing who I am in my day to day living with writing, and thus project this resitance onto others through blaming them for beliving they will judge me as the reason that ‘I cannot’ share – instead of realizing the limitation I am placing onto myself as I am then allowing myself to be dependent upon others, needing their approval for me to express and share and thus limiting me as my expression of myself AS life – instead of standing up and LIVING without worry or concern about what others think, as I must now realize it’s not ‘them’ – it is ME that is judging me

I commit myself to realize that it’s me judging me, not ‘others’ judging ‘me’ and thus commit myself to STOP all judgments of myself and face myself with daily writing, as I have been and to continue to face myself without fear of what I will find, as I realize I will never be able to change myself until I see/face myself and as such, will never be able to change this world, until I can first change myself and thus I commit myself to BE the change I want to be(see) in this world, practically, physically, moment by moment, breath by breath

I commit myself to stopping all resistances to blogging as I see the resistance is fear and the fear is self interest, as I am seeking to make sure I am ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ in the eyes of others, where others will ‘approve’ of me – instead of approving of myself and changing myself in ways that I can live out loud and without shame – which is living within the consideration of what is best for all life, in all ways, with/as/in equality and oneness

I commit myself to stop the accumulation of shame and guilt within myself with not writing/blogging daily as the act of suppression, as ignoring myself here and instead turn and face myself in every moment of breath, and in every day with writing. Being brutally self honest with myself with what exists within me, as all thoughts, all emotions, all feelings, all reactions, all beliefs, all perceptions, all ideas, and remove that which is in separation of me as life

I commit myself to walking the process of the Journey to Life – to writing myself to freedom, to self honesty, to self forgiveness, to self corrective application, to always be me as life as the breath so that I am a being that is here living out loud without shame of who I am and thus equalize my inner reality to be that which is best for all, realizing within this, no dishonesty can exist


I commit myself to stopping and removing all dishonesties that keep me trapped in fear of being exposed and I expose myself to myself. I face myself as the maker of myself and ensure that every moment of judgment day, I will be able to stand in the face of who I am and existence, and have no guilt, or shame.

I commit myself to stopping all self judgments – as I realize this is self sabotage to stop me from facing/changing myself and thus stand equal to me as who I have created myself to be, and push myself to do this until it is something I no longer have to push myself to do, and becomes a living reality of purifying myself to no longer be ashamed of who I am within myself and live as the expression of myself as who I really am, as Life.


01 September 2012

Day 65 - The Truth Behind Wanting a Relationship


What I am realizing in the last couple days since a relationship of mine has ended – is that I have no motivation to do anything. And I considered that the ‘energy’ of relationships is what moves me in this life. Like After we ended the relationship, I was desperately seeking within my mind trying to find someone I can latch my attention to and be my focus to ‘keep me going’ as the energy of excitement and desire.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is dependent upon the energies of desire and excitement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need something or someone outside of myself to be my focus as providing me with energy as desire to ‘keep me moving’ in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek within my mind people that I can focus my attention onto within the fantasy of being in relationship with them to provide me with energy as excitement and desire

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for taking away that which I have allowed myself to become addicted to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need another to move me in this life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept the experience of being depressed and allow this to then direct me to not move myself and instead lay stagnant within myself, not moving myself, and justifying my inaction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel alone now that I am not in relationship with another

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am alone when not in a relationship

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to live the words I speak, and learn to live with myself, get to know myself, be in relationship with myself in walking this process in getting to know who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not in relationship then I am worthless

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am a failure because my relationship with another has ended

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a relationship end – then I am a failure, instead of looking at the practical reality of why it ended

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make the decision within myself to be angry at another within blaming them for being the way they are as the cause/source/origin of why our relationship didn’t work out – instead of taking self responsibility and seeing the reality for real – that is was not aligned because our starting points were not aligned and thus cannot force them to realize anything within themselves, the only power I have is here within and as me to live and walk my process of self change - to ensure I am bringing myself back within the starting of of equality and oneness and considering all life that is here through self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish and desire that another regrets their decision and comes crawling back as a way where I then come out as the winner and being right and him being wrong

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to deliberartly want to punish another by not speaking to them or telling them I don’t want to be their friend as a way to hurt them and exert my blame unto them as being the bad guy

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire the punish another as a way to not take responsibility for myself within our relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire another to feel hurt by me saying that I don’t want to be their friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by another wanting to end our relationship and within this desire for them to feel the same as me – as a way to get back at them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that another was my only opportunity to be with another/in a relationship in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fact that I am getting older and thus fear being alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach ‘not being in relationship’ with fear and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself exist within spite towards another as a way to protect myself from the feelings I experience of ending the relationship and thus want to prove my power and control by telling them I don’t want to be their friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough as the reason my relationship with another ended

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without another, I will never have a relationship in my life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define life and living as being with another person in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence as ‘good’ when I am in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being without a relationship with another

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that I am always alone and that if I move to a relationship out of fear of being alone –then it will never be real, as it’s starting point of it’s creation was based on an illusion – that’ I cannot be alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to escape reality – where I do not have to face myself and the fear of being alone, and want to avoid having to get to know myself as I focus my attention on the other being in the relationship and our creation as the relationship

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to within the fear of being alone and the experience of failure for the relationship with another ending – exist within hope that this means there is someone else for me – a being that I can walk with that will be 'better' for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking with desteni and believe that this will cause me to never be in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into any relationship in fear of them leaving me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a relationship that I am in and fear that if it ends, that that means I am a failure and not good enough

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am according to the relationship I am in or not in and thus when one ends, define myself as not good enough and define my existence as worthless without one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within ignoring the relationship with myself – seek a relationship with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never realize that my desire for a relationship with another – is my desire for a relationship with myself and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as wanting to be in relationship with myself onto others and when they do not want that – blame them for not wanting to be in relationship with me

I forgive myself that I Have never allowed myself to be in a relationship with myself as getting to know myself and building self honest, self trust and real intimacy – as I see into myself as the real me and remove that which is the illusion of me

I commit myself to stopping the need/desire for a relationship with another and realize this is me showing me that I am looking for a relationship with myself and thus I commit myself to getting to know myself, becoming intimate with myself in getting to know who I am here, how i have created myself and changing myself into a being that considered all life equal and one as what is best for all

I commit myself to stopping the spite that I exist within and as as I realize it created war within and without and thus I commit myself to become a responsible human being through stopping all blame exerted towards others and always bring myself back to self responsibility - in looking at WHO I AM within HOW I LIVE

I commit myself to stopping all fear in realizing it is an illusion I as a creator have created - and thus commit myself to daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk myself out of the mind and into the physical reality to live in this world where we have the power to change it into what is best for all

I commit myself to stopping the addiction to energy as I realize this requires me to be dependent on something outside of myself and within self interest to gain more for myself and thus I commit myself to stopping all addictions and no longer allow myself to be dependent on something outside of me - I breathe, I move, I live, I apply myself and I get this done

Art by: Rozelle De Lange

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