26 August 2012

Day 64 - Facing the Reality

Facing my reality and what is happening - and not wanting to face it. Wanting to hide away in my bed and sleep it away... as if it will go away or I will wake up to it being all a dream. As if physical reality is a dream - it is not. It is absolutely fucking real, and what happens in our reality - is ourselves. So instead of attempting to run away and hide - rather stand up and face the music. Face what is here and get to know myself within this. Who am I willing to be in the face of my reality? One that stands up and takes responsibility? Or one that cowards away in attempting to escape, trying to live the dream of make believe where everything is the way I want it to be. Time to get real.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, to in the moment of facing my reality and seeing an outflow I did not want to happen - attempt to hide and run away within myself in not wanting to face it, not wanting it to be real, but wanting to pretend it will go away.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be responsible for myself and my reality - to face and see what it is that has been created, whether I like it or not, realizing that to turn away from it because "I don't like it" is me attempting to fit into the "pursuit of happineness" where I will deliberately turn a blind eye in my attempt to be ignorant, so that I don't see what has happened, and what is happening, so then I can act as if I am not responible, as if I am not here, as if it is not my life



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe when faced with the reality of who I am - to want to run away and not face it/face myself



I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am here - I am the creator of myself and my world and thus in all ways, always responsible for what is here - for what I face



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to ignore my reality and myself in wanting to lay in bed and sleep - to shut myself away from the reality in which I created for myself, as myself - in not taking responsibility for myself as creator



I forgive ymself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet realize that I am here, and thus this reality that is me is here showing me who I am and what I am creating and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to ignore the responsibility that I am for the creation that is me



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beleive I can run away from my creation - from myself, from my reality, instead of standing up and facing it, as it is the only way I will stop myself from recreating that which is not best for all - that which is something I want to hide from and run away from



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way where I create a relaity that I do not want to face, as it does not make me feel good



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can pretend to feel good in the face of a reality that suffers



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust feelings and emotions - instead of relaizing they have no substance in real physical reality, as there are principles that must be realized to become real, where I am no longer attempting to run away from myself in seeking to 'feel better' - but am able to face myself in every moment, in taking self responsibility, and no longer need to feel good to validate my life



I forgive myself that I havent yet allowed myself to trust myself as my breath, realizing it is the only thing that is constant, that is in fact life, and thus not directed by feelings and emotions



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that by ignoring my reality - it will go away



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe something will change without me changing myself



I forgive myself that i havent yet allowed myself to realize that change can only happen when I become the change



I forgive myself that i havent yet allowed myself to be the change I want to see in this world - physically, practically and still allow myself to hide away and suppress what is here as the reality of myself - my world



I forgive myself that i Havent yet allowed myself to realize that this reality is refelcting to me in all ways, in all people, who I am as life and thus showing me that I do not want to see myself - I want to hide from myself, I want to pretend I don't see - yet the truth is here as REALity



I commit myself to facing myself - facing my reality - in seeing who I am and what I have/am creating to ensure that I am always creating a life worth living, and not one that I want to hide from



I Commit myself to see my reality as the support I require in order to see myself, to get to know myself as the creator - to see what I create and where I am still attempting to deny my responsibility



I commit myself to writing myself out, to investigating myself, to getting to know myself - to see who I am here and to ensure that I change myself practically in this world realizing the change is me - as me, and thus I must be the change



I commit myself to walking an agreement with myself, in getting to know myself as who I have become, in realizing this world reflect who I am as the whole and thus I see the separation and the conflict and the suffering and I commit myself to realize that it is me and thus I commit myself to be responsible for myself as what I see and commit myself to changing me through the only way possible, physical practical, self honest change within and without with the tools of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application - applying myself in every moment to 'be here' as the breath - equal and one within/as this physical reality, so that I ensure I am always the director of myself and no longer allow emotions and feelings as self interest keep me trapped in the seeking of my happiness and my feel good desires - but actually get real, here in this reality - facing what is here as this reality and actually fucking changing it - as me.



I commit myself to create a world where I no longer want to ignore, but can face as who I am in every moment - I commit myself to create a world I am not longer ashamed of - I commit myself to walking the process of establishing an equal money system - as it's whats best for all



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20 August 2012

Day 63 - My Inner War with Canada

(From Aug 8th, 2012)

Today, my brother, his girlfriend and I went into Canada. While we were there, I saw myself comparing a lot of it to America – and had this “my country is better’ character as me. Where I was like, “fuck Canada, this is lame, let’s go home” – so Identifying myself as an “American” and within that comparing America to Canada as being better, and so seeing myself as better being an American. This sense of feeling more comfortable within the US – obviously it’s what I am familiar with. Yet – seeing the illusory lines that separate countries and people from people – I was participating in this ‘role’ as playing the character of “American”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an American, where I believe “my country” is better then others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Canada based on the city I saw, and within that defining America as ‘better’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself separate from others who were in Canada because of the country I was born in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Canada as boring and within this desire to be back in the US

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go to Canada strictly to be able to say I’ve been to Canada and thus add on the title of being a ‘world traveler’ wherein I superiorize myself from others as having traveled a lot

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Canada as boring

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see Canada as a separate place that is less then America – playing and perpetuating the whole belief construct that there are different places in this world that is separated by borders and lines, instead of realizing this is an illusion that can only exists if I participate within and as it and thus I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that this is one world - on one earth and we are one people thus Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as special because I am from America

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge Canada as being less then America and within this feel grateful to have been born in America instead of Canada

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect stimulation in Canada as a way to be entertained, and when I was not – judge Canada as being ‘less then’ America and wish to leave, instead of enjoying myself as myself here within and as the p hysical as breathing – where ever I am and with whomever I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe borders of countries are real instead of realizing this only perpetuates the current separation we have allowed within ourselves as humanity where we see ourselves separation from each other - other human beings walking on the same earth and breathing the same air because of the belief that being born in another country makes us different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to suppress the point I experienced today of driving and getting an ‘adrenaline rush’ where the memory came up and instead I wanted to put the computer down and watch something instead of writing this self forgiveness for it

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/define myself as better/superior to others because of the country I was born into - instead of realizing the fear of survival and being born into a country without the resource is what drives this apparent gratitude to be 'an america' thus perpetuating the current self interest that humanity allows as the abuse of the whole

I commit myself to expose how borders are not real - that all humans - ALL LIFE - is of/as the same earth, the same physical, and thus equal as one

I commit myself to stop the separations within myself that has manifested the separations between countries and people

I commit myself to exposing how the have separation as borders fuels conflict and war and thus unacceptable as it does not consider what is best for all

I commit myself to stop all superiority/inferiority within myself through the process of writing myself out, self forgiveness and self honesty withiin the Journey to Life process where I commit myself to stopping all patterns and behaviours I have accepted as my throughout my life as the personality and character of 'who I am' as I have believed it and thus commit myself to walking back to nothingness, as I was born into this world from the darkness and from this starting point commit myself to recreate myself in/as life as what is best for all within and always as the starting point of what is best for all


15 August 2012

Day 62 - Fear of being called a Religious Freak

This post is in relation to a reaction I had to another's words to/toward me. The truth is he was probably joking - yet within myself I reacted and so here I apply the self forgiveness for it:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another when they called me a religious freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within the energy of anger when another called me a religious freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another's words personaly when they called me a religious freak, as I reacted in anger and thus took their words personally

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that whenever I take anothers words personally – I am within and as my ego as self definition in separation of who I really am here as life as the breath as the physical

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear person A thinking that I am a religious freak because of person B's comment about me being one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that person A thinks I am religious and a freak because of the thought that person B tells them that I am in a crazy cult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others thinking I am in a cult or freaky religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others that have been brainwashed by religion and within that judge them as ‘freaks’ and thus fear it being done unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and desteni as a whole to religious groups and within this justify my comparisons and fears by saying, “We are doing what we are doing for/within/as what is best for all" as a way to make myself/my participation within a group to be better than another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as religious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to defend myself as ‘not being religious’ to another when they made a comment about me being a religious freak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger onto another when they said I was a ‘religious freak’

When and as I see myself reacting to anothers words as taken them personally – I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to myself for real as the physical to see/realize/understand that in taking anothers words personally – I am within and as ego as separation of myself as the illusion of myself

When and as I see myself reacting in anger to anothers comments about me – I stop and I breathe and I investigate what it is I am actually angry about

When and as I see myself fearing others seeing me as a religious freak – I stop and I breathe and I realize that I have the power and control and directive will within/as myself to remain clear from reactions and stable

When and as I see myself fearing how others see me – I stop and I breathe, and I realize it’s not about how others see me – it’s how I see myself and thus always direct/take it back to myself to see who I am within myself, within relationship to myself that is then mirrored to me with/as relationships with/as others

I commit myself to stop all judgments of religions in this world and stand equal as self responsible for what is created and manifested in this world - standing equal and one as what is here

I commit myself to stop all fears within and as myself through investigating where they were created, how I accepted and allowed myself and to through self investigation as writing, forgive myself for the acceptances and allowances

I commit myself to show how desteni is the only message/group that stands as practical, physical change in this world, for each individual and humanity as a whole


12 August 2012

Day 61 - Reactions to not getting what the "Helpful Character" Wants

Tonight while I was getting the dishes ready to be washed – I saw myself ‘snap’ another with quite an attitude. My whole physical body moved, my head and my body – and I was quite reactive to them. They said to me, “those dishes need to be put away” and within this I reacted, because I felt like they were saying something to me I already knew and that they could put them away themselves instead of ‘demanding’ it of me. Right after – I saw this reaction, and saw it was not cool. There is no reason to speak to another in that way, and only shows how I was reacting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to react to another when they said the dishes needed to be put away because I was already getting the dishes ready to be washed and felt they did not recognize this and instead gave me more to do besides what I had already taken upon myself to do

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to do the dishes within the desire or attention and energy from others as ‘being helpful’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the dishes within the starting point of self interest – where I want to be seen as helpful and for others to appreciate me and what I do, instead of doing it unconditionally as a way to support the group here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the dishes in expectation of a reward as positive reactions from others as ‘being helpful’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am helpful, like doing the dishes, then others will like me and appreciate me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for others to like and appreciate me, I have to be helpful, like doing the dishes, instead of doing them unconditionally without needing a reward in return, as I realize this is already what exists within our world where we do things in expecting something in return and thus proving self interest reign and no unconditional acts actually exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet like and appreciate myself within seeing how I require this from others and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that I do not need others to like or appreciate me – as I can do this for myself and thus I forgive myself that I Have not yet allowed myself to unconditionally like and appreciate myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another when they said, ‘those dishes need to be put away’, by telling them instead of ordering me around, they could put them away themselves, and within this judge them as being lazy and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge another as lazy for not putting the dishes away themselves and instead telling me to put them away

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to react to another saying, “those dishes need to be put away’ because this was not the reaction/words I was looking for, I was looking for positive feedback and affirmations of me being helpful, within self interest seeking self validation for my desire to feel good about myself from how others perceive me – and instead of seeing this within and as my breath, and thus stopping myself from reacting and seeing the starting point I was existing within, react to them for not giving or saying to me what I wanted them to say, which was validation for my self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the “being helpful” character, wherein I will take on the role of ‘doing the duties’ that need to be done, such as doing everyone’s dishes, in hopes of being seen as ‘good’ and ‘helpful’ revealing this character's true nature of self interest, and not actually acting in any way as unconditional, yet only seeking my own validation for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flourish in moments of others needing my help, wherein I ‘step up’ and ‘take the lead’ as if to be savior of the situation where I get energy from helping out as I believe I am then being seen in a positive light to others, where I am ‘helpful’ and thus others appreciate me

When and as I see myself stepping into the character of “being helpful” – I stop and I breathe, and do not allow myself to act in ways from self interest, wherein I desire feedback that will make me feel good, yet see in the moment what is required to be done, and get it done, like doing the dishes, and not use a physical practical point such as it to serve my own self interest to be seen as ‘helpful’

I commit myself to stop all characters in and of and as myself wherein i 'act out' roles in which I change myself depending on the situation or environment and instead commit myself to remain here, stable, breathing, constant, the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow

I commit myself to writing everyday in revealing to myself the masks I wear as the characters I play and in this stopping myself through exposing myself the lie I have lived and instead bring myself back to the real me, the physical me, the life that is me breathing

I commit myself to no longer seek self interested validation from others and instead give to myself and live as myself what I desire and wish or beleive I will get from another

I commit myself to stop all starting points within myself that do not spring forth from equality and oneness as what is best for all as unconditionally living, giving what I would like to receive


Art featured by: Joe Kou http://www.facebook.com/joekou

Day 60 - Loneliness

Aug 3rd, 2012
While sitting down to write here – I had this experience come up of ‘loneliness’ = where I thought about going online and checking my email and see what is going on within the group – and I can’t do that here, because there is no internet or even cell phone service, and within this – loneliness and missing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am lonely here at the cabin because I cannot check my email and see what the group is doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I miss the group because I cannot go online and see what is going on/participate in the daily activities – and within this I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a participant of desteni – wherein not participating, I believe I have lost something or missing something – when in fact I am here and thus I am whole – I am complete – I am here and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my mind wherein I leave behind my awareness of myself that is here – as the physical and go into the Mind as the belief that I am missing something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and part of my existence in separation of myself within and as the group and believe I need them or require to participate in checking emails and going onto the forums – instead of realizing, I am here, when I am breathing - I am here

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to miss participating within the group when I am unable to – and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define parts of myself as ‘participating with a group’ and when then I do not – believe I am missing a part of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the character of 'a destonian' wherein within my mind I separate myself from myself in seeing myself separate from others through defining myself in separation as something else, something different, instead of realizing I am here, a breathing, walking, talking human being and thus equal and one with all other breathing, walking, talking human beings and thus not separate or different, but absolutely in all ways equal and one

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am within the actions I take everyday as a way to act out a character in which I feed my ego as 'being something' when in fact I am only here

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a part of a group as a way to define myself and my existence, revealing to myself that I do not accept myself here, as who I am, as I can see I have created myself dependent upon a group to define who I am

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in loneliness

I forgive myself that i Have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I am alone - I am allone, as no matter where I am or with who I am, I am always alone, as I am alone within myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be within myself, within my mind and thus there is no reason to experience lonlieness, as I am always alone, yet I am here equal and one with all others who are also alone - alone responsible for themselves as I am alone responsible for myself

I commit myself to stopping the idea and experience of loneliness - as I realize I am always here, alone, as all are one as equal

I commit myself to stop defining myself in separation of myself through my actions or my participation and realize that I am always here, as I breathe, life whole and complete

I commit myself to stop the need to be a part of a group as a dependency in separation of myself and realize that all are me and thus me here alone is all as one as equal

I commit myself to stop separating myself into parts outside of myself wherein I place myself into and as others and thus when I am not around them or interacting with them - believe I am missing them, and thus commit myself to realize that I am always here and no loneliness exists in equality and oneness realized as self - as then self is all as one as equal




01 August 2012

Day 59 - Thinking of things to do... Instead of DOING it

While I was away for a couple days - before I left I 'made plans' within my mind to do certain things while I was away. This did not happen. While I attempted to 'set myself up' to 'be productive' I failed before I even began.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust myself within my mind when I am thinking about things I can do

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the thoughts of things I will get done in terms of the future, instead of realizing this is separation as the future projections are a distraction, and while I was thinking of 'what I could have done' - I could have been DOING the things that required to get done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the THINK about what I can do - instead of actually doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the space of my mind that creates thoughts and ideas of how to live - instead of living here each moment as each breath, ensuring that I am actually doing something in this physical reality

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that thinking is not living

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make myself feel better with thinking in my mind of all the things I will get done while I am away - instead of realizing that in that moment, I am separating myself from what can and could be done, and instead wasting time and energy within the mind where I am not actually living, but existing in a separate reality where I am not doing the things I am thinking of doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thinking of things to do will ensure that I will do them and within this trust myself, yet proving to myself that I will not in fact, as I show myself that I do not and thus I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to think about things to get done, instead of doing them in the moment

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself when I think about things I will do in the future and then not do them

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with believing that I will do the things I think about - instead of realizing this is only a distraction of what can be done in the moment and thus I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to waste myself and my time in the moment of thinking instead of breathing and moving myself physical to get the plans done

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not do the things required to be done in the moment they are here for me to do and instead go into my mind and tell myself that I will 'do it later', instead of realizing this is dishonest as I am putting off what can be done here in the moment, and believing there will be a future time for me to do them, without realizing the future is not certain, the only certainty that exists is me here in each moment of/as each breath

I commit myself to stop thinking things to get done and to in that moment, stop, breathe and do what it is I am attempting to do 'later'

I commit myself to realize that thinking does not create action - only physical self movement creates action

I commit myself to realize that to trust myself as the thoughts in my mind are deceiving myself as I realize in the moment of thinking - I am not breathing and thus I commit myself to realize that breathing = living

I commit myself to live life here for real as each breath

I commit myself to stop believing there is a future waiting for me where I will magically get done what I 'think' I will - instead of living in this moment, in this physical reality, and actually, physical doing them myself

I commit myself to stop believing the voices in my head to be me

I commit myself to realize and stop wasting time on thinking, and start living, moving, directing myself as life as each breath

I commit myself to stop all future projections and to be present here as each breath

I commit myself to stop trusting the thoughts in my mind and start trusting myself through breathing to ensure I do that which is necessary to be done