28 June 2012

Day 48 - Blame and Anger from the Past

My reactions within myself in relation to another wherein I allowed something that has happened in the past to define who I am here and how I interact/react to the person today. This will be covered in many posts to come.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at another for not being in my life while I was growing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto anger towards another for coming back into my life after so many years of not being a part of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for not being a part of my life while I was growing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at another for returning to my life and believe they expect to be a part of my life after not being a part of it while I was growing up and blame them for this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume another expects me to be here for them to support them in their life because they came back to town and wants to be a part of my life and within this blame them for the belief I have of them doing so and spite them within my mind saying, “You weren’t there for me, I don’t want to be there for you”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite another within my mind as back chat when I tell myself I don’t have to support them because they did not support me – revealing the evil nature within myself of the starting point I allowed to be the reason I am not supporting another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto resentments and anger towards another and myself for allowing them to come back into my life and believe they do not deserve to be in my life and within this starting point, act out in ways as a way to protect myself and show them I am not ok with the decisions they made in life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to protect myself from another based on who they were in the past and how they lived their life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for who they were in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the past through defining another based on who they were and the choices they made

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a victim to another and their decision to leave when I was a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the past as being a child when another was not there for me, and carry this with me in my whole life and now that they have returned, still existing within the memory of them not being there for me and want them to pay for not being there for me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the spite within me towards another, instead of realizing the poison it actually is and has no effect on another, only myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to poison myself with spite towards another for them not being there for me and for now that they have returned

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I stay angry at another through defining their actions as 'bad' and 'wrong' and accept myself as a victim to them - then I am somehow protecting myself from it happening again and believing that I am in control of the experience as fear of it happening again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to protect myself within and as fear of what has happened in the past and it repeating

I commit myself to stop all forms of anger and blame and resentment and spite to/towards another in stead of realizing this is a reflection of myself and thus I commit myself to take back all thoughts, all judgments, all blame back to myself wherein i Have the power to change who I am here in relation to another and the relationship with myself

I commit ymself to stop spite witin the mind as I see it creates wars, within and without

I commit myself to stop the belief that I have to protect based on memories as past experiences

I commit myself to stop blame towards another for their past - and take responsibility for myself and my past




2012: DIP into Guilt as Responsible for Another


WRITING:
Recently I have experienced the feeling of guilt in relation to my father. He has recently moved back into town and not had the easiest experience. There was some time where I was not communicating with him and had no desire to do so. I was angry at him for not being in my life and for coming back and angry for thinking he was expecting that I should just be there for him and have a relationship with him.

When I would hear things about what was going on in his life – I would feel guilty. As I took the responsibility for how is life was going – what was happening to him. I knew he just wanted to be close with me and have me in his life and because I wasn’t doin that – that was the reason he was have a hard time in life. And so within this – wanting to hang out with him out of guilt – guilt for not talking to him, guilt for not spending time with him – guilt for what was happening in his life and even for ‘who he is’ within all of it. Like he might not be supporting himself the best way possible and blamed myself because of this – like I was the cause of his having a hard time, I was the cause for his reactions and for everything he is experiencing.. so felt guilt for my actions or lack of actions to spend time with him being the reason his is the way he is currently.

So I can see where I am participating within the ‘morality’ of ‘right and wrong’. Where I define myself as being ‘wrong’ for not spending time with him or not even talking to him and within this feel guilty for that – so judging myself as being ‘bad/wrong’ within the idea that I am responsible for his experience and for his life.

I can see how there is no self responsibility within this and is actually out of self interest that I then want to spend time with him – to alleviate my experience of guilt, where I have accepted responsibility for him and believe I must do this in order to ‘make things right’ in his life and within himself.

SELF FORGIVENESS:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience guilt in relation to my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my father for not being in my life while I was growing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto anger towards my father for coming back into my life after so many years of not being a part of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for not being a part of my life while I was growing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my father for returning to my life and belief he expects to be a part of my life after not being a part of it while I was growing up and blame him for this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume my father expects me to be here for him to support him in is life because he came back to town and wants to be a part of my life and within this blame him for the belief I have of him doing so and spite him within my mind saying, “You weren’t there for me, I don’t want to be there for you”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite my father within my mind as back chat when I tell myself I don’t have to support him because he did not support me – revealing the evil nature within myself of the starting point I allowed to be the reason I am not supporting my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto resentments and anger towards my father and myself for allowing him to come back into my life and believe he does not disserve to be in my life and within this starting point, act out in ways as a way to protect myself and show him I am not ok with the decisions he made in life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a victim to my father and his decision to leave when I was a child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the past as being a child when my father left, and carry this with me in my whole life and now that he has return, still existing within the memory of him leaving and want him to pay for leaving me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the spite within me towards my father, instead of realizing the poison it actually is and has no effect on my father, only myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to poison myself with spite towards my father for him leaving when I was a child and for now that he has returned


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold myself accountable and responsible for my dad and his experience within his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my father’s life and experience as my responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the feelings of guilt within myself as I have taken responsibility for him and his life and defining myself as being responsible for it and when I hear it is not going well – feel guilt as if I am the reason for himself and his experience and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am responsible for my dad and his experience and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that because my dad came back into my life and wants to be a part of it – that I am responsible for the struggles he might have within himself and his life because I have believed that if I do not speak or spend time with him – then he is not happy and thus I am responsible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am responsible for my father’s happiness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as guilt when I would hear about my fathers life and experience and define it as ‘not good’ and thus blame myself as the cause and reason he is having a hard time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I spend more time with my father he will have a better experience within himself and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe because I was not speaking or spending time with my father that that was the reason he was having a hard time within himself and his life – instead of realizing that I am not the source/cause/origin of anyone outside of myself as I realize I am only responsible for myself and thus realize/see/understand that my father is responsible for himself, his experience and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my fathers life and experience as ‘sad’ and ‘difficult’ with a negative charge wherein I then feel ‘bad’ and guilty for his experience, instead of realizing that without these definitions defining my experience, I would realize that he is responsible for himself and his life as I am responsible for me and my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the starting point of/as guilt as believing I am responsible for my father and his life and within this starting point, want to hang out with him, in believing that if I do, he will feel better and he wont have such a difficult time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within the starting point of/as the energy of guilt as a feeling I have generated within myself through my mind with the ideas that I am responsible for my dad and his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe this feeling I have created and generated within myself through my mind as ideas and beliefs that I am responsible for my dad and his life, is real and thus participate with it in accepting it is real as I decided to hang out with him out of the starting point of/as guilt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved within myself and my mind to make a decision to hang out with my father within/as guilt that I created and generated as feelings within myself through my mind as the ideas and thoughts that I am responsible for my father and thus I forgive myself that I Havent yet allowed myself to be the decision within/as equality and oneness as life as who I am here as the breath to always be the starting point from which I move and live and speak and share and walk my life, within realizing this is stopping the separation I have accepted within myself as accepting the mind to be who I am, instead of realizing it was leading me, so I was not directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience and accept guilt within myself as being responsible for my father and his life and within this want to talk to him – as a way to make myself feel better within self interest, as the negative feeling of guilt I experienced was not enjoyable and thus to relieve myself from this experience, want to hang out with him –within believing it will make his experience of himself and his life better and thus I will no longer feel guilty for how he is living his life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self responsibility to who I am and how I experience myself and how I live in this reality through projecting this responsibility onto my father, instead of realizing I cannot change anyone, I can only change myself and thus I allow myself to take full responsibility for who I am here and thus allow others to realize they are also responsible for who they are here and how they live this life and thus allow myself to be an example for others to see we require to take responsibility for ourselves and for this reality to create a reality that is in fact best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within the polarity of being ‘wrong’ for not spending time with my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within the polarity of being ‘right’ when I do spend time with my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within the polarity of ‘right and wrong’ through defining the actions of spending time with my father and not spending time with my father as ‘right or wrong’ – instead of seeing/living self honesty as self responsibility within every moment and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself within the ‘morality’ of ‘right and wrong’ through judging myself when I am ‘wrong’ and praising myself when I am ‘right’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define not talking to my father within the polarity of ‘wrong’, instead of seeing who I am as the starting point for not speaking to my father and thus taking self responsibility to ensure that I am here as the decision within equality and oneness to direct the decision made to not speak to him, and not allow feelings or emotions of the mind to be the directive force that tells me how to live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define speaking to my father within the polarity of being ‘right’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and judge myself as bad within the polarity point of morality where I define myself as being ‘bad’ for not speaking to my father and thus then accept responsibility for his life as being the reason for his experience, instead of realizing he is responsible for himself and his life as I am responsible for myself and my experience within this life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self interest as a way to alleviate the guilt experience I Have created within myself through the acceptance that I am responsible for his life and when I see he is having a hard time, feel bad and guilty as if I am the creator of his experience and life and thus desire to spend time with him to make myself feel better in hoping that this is cause him to have a better life experience

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I Have the ability to change another experience within themselves, instead of realizing I am still walking the process of changing my experience within myself and my life and thus my responsibility is here as me to stop all forms of separation within the mind as ideas and thoughts and experiences of polarity that split myself into two poles wherein I create friction as energy to feed my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am able to ‘fix’ another’s life when I have not proven to be able to be responsible for me and my life – and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that until I am able to be responsible for myself and my life, I will not be able to support another within themselves and their life


When and as I see myself taking on the responsibility of another and their experience and their life – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here to my physical body which is where I am responsible or myself as life and thus stop the projections of the mind that tell me I am responsible or another when I have not yet taken full responsibility for myself and thus I commit myself to walking the process of take self responsibility for who I am here as life to then be able to live as an example for others as support for them to take responsibility for themselves and their lives within realizing this is the only way we will change this world, when all take self responsibility for themselves as an equal participant within humanity here on earth

When and as I see myself accepting guilt within myself as taking responsibility for another and their life – I stop and I breath and I bring myself back out of the mind of ideas that I am the cause/source/origin of another’s life and experience and allow myself to realize and live the realization that I am the cause/source/origin of who I am here in every moment within this life and thus take that responsibility to be the change as I realize I am only able to change myself

When and as I see myself existing within the starting point of guilt for another within taking the responsibility of their life unto myself – I stop and I breathe and I see the self interest within this in my attempt to alleviate my experience I Have created as guilt – I stop this separation and stand here with/as my physical body within/as equality and oneness and do not allow emotions or feelings generated by the mind to direct me within the decisions I make in this life

When and as I see myself separating myself and accepting life to be of polarity wherein I define mysel as ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ I stop and I breathe and bring myself back here to/as the breath wherein I realize that Life is NOT polarity – and because I have accepted polarity, which is of the mind, I have created polarity within myself and within this world, equal and one, and thus I stop all forms of separation as me through stopping the morality/polarity of ‘right and wrong’ and ‘good and bad’ and see life in/as equality and oneness as self responsibility within self honesty to no longer live within the conflict of feelings and emotions and instead make the living statement of who I am here as Life as what is best for all

REDEFINING THE WORD: Responsible


1. Gathering information:

a. Establishing self’s allocation point – Within the word Responsible– I see the definition I have given it to mean, ‘accountability’ and to ‘uphold’ something. I see myself as being the one in charge of something if I am ‘responsible’ and thus the cause or origin of anything that I am responsible for and thus responsible for any outcome or consequence of that which I am responsible for or ‘in charge of’. An obligation. A duty.

b. Dictionary Definition –
Responsible:
adjective
1.answerable or accountable, as for something within one'spower, control, or management (often followed by to or for): He is responsible to the president for his decisions.
2. involving accountability or responsibility: a responsibleposition.
3.chargeable with being the author, cause, or occasion of something (usually followed by for ): Termites wereresponsible for the damage.
4.having a capacity for moral decisions and therefore accountable; capable of rational thought or action: Thedefendant is not responsible for his actions.
5.able to discharge obligations or pay debts.
.



b. Sounding the word : Responsible – Response able, – Respond able, – Respond civil
Re – sponge – able, re sponge bible (soaking up the morality of responsibility programmed by society as polarity and control)

2. Investigate the information of the word that has been gathered

Does the definition within the different aspects that you have gathered as information of the word, carry a polarity charge (is it made ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’)?


• Your own personal experience with this word
When I see myself living ‘responsible’ – I see myself like ‘taking on a task’ or ‘obligation’ like within the word I am powerful or that person or thing I am ‘responsible’ or. So within this I see the point of fear – of failing the ‘responsibilities’ I have – as if I am uncapable or fear of making a mistake with the power of being ‘responsible’. So it’s like this idea of responsible being this ‘big’ thing that I have to now ‘take on’, so creating it to be more then me that I feel inferior to.

• How you have interpreted the word as ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’
-Negative/bad – as I can see it as an ‘obligation’ where there is fear of not being ‘good’ at it and failing the responsibilities I have.

• What associations do you have with the word? Fear – fear of not being able to be responsible for something, like I have this power within myself in what I am responsible or and so there is fear of not doing a good job. There is a resistance to the word as well, like responsible is an obligation – wherein I do not want to be responsible for anything as then I am accountable within whatever comes of my being responsible for something/someone. It’s like the idea of ‘being in charge’.

• Do you feel better or worse when you are using or experiencing this word? Better and worse. As the underlying feeling of the word is fear of not being being ‘good’ at being responsible and failing within the power I have over something/for something but also better as I have shown through these words, having that ‘power’ over something – so like being in charge of something, holding the ‘cards’ so to speak.

Self Forgiveness on the word
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word responsible within separation of myself through defining it within my mind to be as the polarity of ‘negative’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the definition of responsible in separation of myself through defining it as a feeling or experience of ‘being powerful’

I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to live the definition of responsible in separation of myself through defining it within my mind as a feeling of being in charge of something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a negative feeling to the word responsible through defining it as fear of failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word responsible through seeing it as something greater then me that I have to be in charge of

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being/living the word responsible

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word responsible in separation of myself as being something I do/live outside of myself to/towards another or something outside of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing mysel to see the word responsible through the mind as being something outside of myself that I must to/be for something else or another

I forgive myself that I Havent yet allowed myself to realize that responsible is who I am here in every moment of breath – being responsible for myself as what I accept and allow within myself as my mind and what I accept and allow as who I am in how I live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define responsible as something outside of myself that I fear not doing well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define responsible as being something that if I do well, then I will be seen as good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define responsible as being something that if I don’t do well, then I will be seen as bad

I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to define responsible as being something that I must do to prove myself to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word responsible as being separate form me here instead of realizing to live responsible as who I am here as the living word – is to be within/as physical equality and oneness as the breath – becoming responsible for myself in each moment to ensure I am directive within/as myself and not allowing the minds programming of thoughts, feelings and emotions and memories to direct me in my life and who I am


I delete these definitions and stand clear within and as the word responsible – removing the polarity of negative charge and allow the word to be innocent without memories or beliefs or ideas within it that do not support me or what is best for all

3. New definition

Writing the definition: Responsible – the ability to respond within myself and within my life within this world to ensure that I am self honesty in each moment, as being here, present with each breath that is equal and one with/as this real reality. Responding to myself and my world with the ability to see/live self honesty in every moment as breath to ensure I create within myself and in this world reality that reflects who I really am as Life. Responding to the responsibility of LIfe



4. Checking the definition

a. Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?
Answer: no

b. Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?
Answer: yes
c. Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?
Answer: yes





24 June 2012

Day 47 - Using Math to feed my Ego

In class the other day - I had reactions to my classmates and our attempt at solving a problem, that existed within both polarities of inferiority and superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior to others for my application of math

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior to others for my effectiveness in showing others how to do/apply math

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a ‘math tutor’ and get an energetic high within this as self value and a self definition and as a way to separate myself as being better then others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am separate from others when I participate within the definition of being superior to others for being a ‘math tutor’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as inferior to me and that I'm so much better then others because I ‘get’ math and enjoy it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use math as a way to feel better about myself within myself and this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with other students in math in competiting to be right within having the right answers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for competiting with me through judging them for wanting to be right and better then me within math

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with myself as others through having to be better then them at math

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to another when they said, “I was right” through judging them as ‘having’ to be right to feed their ego, instead of taking responsibility for feeding my own ego with the very same point and thus I forgiven myself or accepting and allowing myself to project my self righteous ego of superiority within math unto another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as who I am and thus use being a ‘math tutor’ as a way to feel better about myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in other ways and so seek to find ways to attempt to be better then others, and apparently better then myself

I forgive myself for not realizing that to attempt to be superior to others is within the acceptance of being inferior and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the polarity of inferior and superiority, taking myself on a ride as friction going back and forth from one polarity to the next trying to find balance

I forgive myself for not yet allowing myself to realizing I do not require polarity, as I am HERE as LIFE as the breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to another when they had the correct answer within math class, and I did not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as inferior to my classmates as they had to show me how they got their answers, existing in the polarity of how I experienced myself before, as being superior within having the ability to show them how to solve the math problem

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as an ego that can be 'bruised'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior within intellect and thus use the application and knowledge as math to be that which I utilize to feel better about myself, and superior to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use math as a skill as a way to separate myself from others as me within seeing myself as more or less then them, isntead of bringing equality here as me within all forms, and within this situation, having and sharing an equal knowledge and ability to use math with all in my class

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within defining myself as either good or bad in math and within this limit myself within comparing myself as either better or worse then others within math - instead of realizing that to be either or limits any and all possibilities to be something different

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others within using and utilizing math - I stop and I breathe, realizing through comparisions there is self judgments and thus I stop all forms of self judgments and stand here equal and one as all as who I am as as life as each breath

When and as I see myself competing with others within using math - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the awareness of what I am participating within which is only a game where one must lose in order for another to win and thus I stop creating losers and winners within and as myself - and create equality as who we really are

I commit myself to stopping all comparisons and competitions within myself and others as I see this creates conflict and separation within myself and life and thus I take responsibility of life as me here and stop all that which does not support what is best for all

I commit myself to stop all forms of self judgments wherein I judge myself and who I am and attempt to find ways to be better and feel better and be more then others - I stop this self abuse of myself and others and stand here within realizing/living equality as who we really are





21 June 2012

Day 46 Fear and the Limited Perception of Reality through the Mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cage myself within the experience of myself of how I perceive reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the reactions and experiences I have to/towards people and situations in my life,k believing that the reactions and experiences within myself as mind are my self as who I really am and thus - limiting myself to only those reactions/experiences and believing it cannot be anything other then that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to the imaginary world of the mind where I exist within fear and reactions to others and my world through accepting this within/as myself and allow this to direct me – instead of realizing it is ALL FAKE – as the reactions I have are the acceptances and allowances I have built in order to survive in this world – they do not actually support me to Live or to be Life – they only limit me here as who I am as the expression of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by a fear of how others will perceive me and allow this idea to have more value than me here as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others thinking I am crazy for walking with desteni

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as crazy for walking with desteni

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the process of desteni/the process of life/the process of myself to be that which others will define as crazy - instead of realizing the craziness in that, as what the process of desteni/self/life is is that of taking responsibility within this world, as who we are and what we have become and how we have created life to be here on earth and as we can see it is absurd and unacceptable and thus the process of self responsibility as the process of desteni/life/self is obvious common sense - that we must face who we are within and without - equal and one, and it will take a process to change ourselves as it has taken a process to enslave ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit others through beliving they will react to me and my participation on the internet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to the false self, the self of the mind that reacts to others and movements within my world – instead of living as the directive princnople as stability here as breath within realizing that all movements of the mind as energetic reactions and fears are that of the ego in atetmpt to defend and protect itself, fearing it own survival and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and not question the reactions within myself as the mind where I attempt to defend myself and fear my survival without questioning the validity of this as the expression of life, realizing it is not life, it is fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within dishonesty through attempting to be someone different at work then who I am at home and online, realizing that the personalities that I change into depending on the environment and people I am around is a dishonest act, as I am then pretending to be someone based on values separate and outside of me here and thus I forgive myself that I havent yet allowed myself to remain constant, here, yesterday, today and tomorrow, no matter where I am or with whom I am as I am here as life, as the breath that is constant

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change myself when I am at work with others as a way to protect and ensure my survival within/as the system, where I fear others not accepting me and thus losing their approval, instead of allowing myself to live here as equality and oneness with/as ALL life - thus no need to be someone that I believe others will approve of, as I will be allowing myself to be here as life thus approving myself to be here with/as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for who I am online and the process that I walk, instead of realizing I am doing it for LIFE and thus commit myself to stop all value on those around me as systems – believing systems are more valuable then life through wanting to preserve my place with others within/as the system


I commit myself to stop all energetic reactions of the mind such as fear and anxiety through the process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements, as I realize I must be the change I want to see in this world, and thus I do that practically, physically, through deconstructing who I have created myself to be as the product of this world, within realizing this world has produced abuse of life, and so I stop my participation of the abuse of life, through stopping the abuse of life as me - walking the process to becoming equal and one with all as me and thus no more seeing through the eyes of the mind that perceive and react and conjure up make -believe that has no effect in actual physical reality

I commit myself to stop believing in the make believe reality of the mind where we have existed in thoughts, feelings and emotions that we have allowed to possess and direct us throughout our lives, never realizing we are enslaving ourselves within limitation as the mind has no room to expand, and thus I commit myself to expand myself through emptying the mind of memories, pictures, ideas, thoughts, feelings, emotions, furture projections and perceptions, I remain here with/as the walk of life breath by breath to practical change who I am so that I am no longer limited within my expression to be that of only reactions and fears

I commit myself to stop living the dishonesty of changing who I am for others in my reality, realizing this is the protection mechanism of the mind to serve it's own survival within self interest, in attempt to be accepted by others within this world system - and thus I commit myself to be in this world and not of it - practically, physical, actually, by stopping my participation in the mind, breath by breath, and taking self responsibility for who I am and the personalities I have created for the various situations and people in my world and reality. I commit myself to remain stable, constant, the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow with/as the breath

I commit myself to stopping all judgments and fears of myself about who I am and the process I walk, as I realize I am doing this for ALL life and thus I commit myself to stop all value being given to the fears and reactions of the mind, as if they were real, instead of realizing they are my creation and thus I am able to stop and re-create them into that which is best for all.



19 June 2012

Day 45 - Self Blame projected on Another

I saw myself go into defense and attack mode towards another within my mind. I had reactions to another within blaming them for making a decision that I did not necessarily agree with. I blamed another for their reactions, and how I defined them as not being stable enough to control themselves, and blamed this experience of themselves for the reason they made the decision they did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for their reactions within themselves that lead them to make a decision I did not agree with

I forgive myself for not yet allowing myself to see/realize and understand the projection of myself that I am placing unto another for reacting and causing them to make a decision I did not agree with – why am I angry at myself? Where do I react and make decisions based on reactions and now am projecting the blame onto another?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to diminish another within my mind in an attempt to feel better about myself as a way to defend myself within the experience of feeling less then and inferior to them – as they made the decision I did not agree with and thus I feel powerless and not control and thus attempt to get energy through blaming them and making myself the ‘winner’ within the competition in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack another within myself in my mind instead of taking responsibility for myself as I see I am reacting within myself – as thus participating in the mind and blaming another for the very thing I am accepting and allowing within myself

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the relationship I have created within my mind with another and thus allow myself to see what it is I am reacting to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to create conflict with another in an attempt to get energy from them, through wanting them to feel bad about the decision they made that I did not agree with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to create friction as a way to produce energy within myself in relation to another through blaming them in my mind and attempting to be the winner within the competition I have created with them in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within competition with/towards another within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire being the winner within the competition I have created in my mind to/towards another and thus seek my reward as energy through creating conflict and friction within blaming them for who they are and what they have allowed – instead of taking responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play the game of love where I attempt to be superior to another through controlling the relationship and another through attempting to make them desire me through withholding myself from them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love and relationships as a game with rules that I have to play and in the end win, instead of realizing the illusion the game is within the mind that suppress life and abuse life and should not be tolerated

I forgive myelf for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for the experience within myself as reactions to them having reactions and making a decision based within the starting point of reactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore another in an attempt to have power and control and project this onto them through believing they are ignoring me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to an illusionary game within the mind as relationships of competition and friction

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within energy – seeking more energy to exist within and as instead of breathing here as life – where no energy moves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as life through participating in the mind of projections of blame and anger towards another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with myself and blame myself for creating a relationship separate from another within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not able to support myself through facing myself and stopping reactions and emotions as possessions that posses me within energy to act without any self direction and than project this onto another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not fully effectively in every moment of breath stop myself from participating in the mind and becoming possessed by energy and thus project this onto another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberate abuse myself as life as another through blaming them without taking any form of self responsibility

I commit myself to stop all projections of myself unto another and commit myself to take responsibility for myself in always for who I am here in each breath I breathe through writing, self forgivness and self corrective application

I commit myself to push myself in all forms of blame on another within realizing it is within self judgment thus I commit myself to stop all self judgments as myself within realizing all I require is self responsibility as within this is the power to stop and change





17 June 2012

Day 44 - Reactions and Separation as Specialness

Self forgiveness for reacting to another's words that I could relate to within my experience and the attempt to be special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to another's words about that I believed were in relation to me, judging myself based on their words as if I was being dishonest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as special within separation from life through seeing fuzzy haze and light around beings and objects

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire special skills such as being able to see others auras and energies as a way to be special and different from others, instead of being equal with all as one as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my seeing fuzzy haze and light around beings and objects when I loosen my gaze to be me seeing auras and energies and within this feel special that I was able to see things others were not seeing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am more special then others within separation when seeing fuzzy haze and light around others in my reality when I loosen my focus on the physical, instead of realizing this is not being here with/as the physical, and thus not being here equal and one with others and instead existing withn the mind as ego separating myself through specialness where Ib eleive I am better and more then others, instead of realizing others are me and thus I forgive myself for accecpting and allowing myself to attempt to separate myself from myself and attempt to be more then myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as a way to defend my ego of self definition of being special within being able to see light and fuzzy haze around things in my reality when I loose the focus of my gaze, beliving I was seeing energies and auras and things others do not see

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being exposed to what I am accepting and allowing as separation within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing to myself what I am accepting and allowing within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame for what I have accepted and allowed within myself instead of taking responsibility within and as myself in facing myself so that I am able to forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that within shame I can run and hide from having to face myself instead of realizing I am only accumulating more shame for not being self honest within facing myself as who I am as the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself as life through separating myself through seeing and defining myself as more special and superior to others within believing I was seeing more then what others were seeing when I would see fuzzy haze and light around beings and objects in my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to others and my world and thus seek and attempt to find and define things and experience within myself and my life to make me feel more, to make me feel better, to feel special.. instead of realizing this is separation as I am here, within/as equality and oneness and thus realize there is no separation and no one more or less than another. all as one as equal

When and as I see myself reacting to another's words that relate to my experience, I stop and I breathe and I use what is here as others and their words to support myself within self reflecting and self investigating, realizing all reactions are of the mind in it’s attempt to survive and stay the same, in defending itself as what it is

When and as I see myself hiding in shame from myself as facing myself, I stop and i breathe and I dare to face all of me as who I am here as the mind – realizing only through facing it will I see what and who I am and how I am able to live solutions that are best for all as me

I commit myself to stop the separation of specialness within life within allowing myself to realize nothing is more special than life, and life is all as one as equal, thus no one is more special then another, all are equal as one and thus to define one as more special or less special then another is to separate life from itself

I commit myself to stopping the separation within life as me, within stopping myself from separating myself as life within defining myself as more or less special than another

Interesting how the word spec is within the word special – spec I all, specIall, within trying to be special, I define myself as a spec within existence, inferiorizing myself and fearing to be nothing within this world and thus desire to be ‘more’, when realizing, I am an equal spec within the I of all, I as all am here as a spec, one part of the whole




16 June 2012

Day 43: Pretending "I'm Calm"

Tonight I reacted to seeing another had seen some of my videos on youtube. Here self forgiveness for the experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the idea of another seeing my videos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as fear to the idea of another seeing my videos, yet present an image of myself as calm and not worrying about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another was seeing my videos and judging me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within my videos and project them unto another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another seeing my videos and laughing at me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine and picture in my mind another watching my vids at a friends house and them laughing at me

I delete this image within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being laughed at for my videos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to defend and protect my ego within my vids where I justify why I make vids for the reactions of fear I had within myself when another saw them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into thoughts as wondering who else has seen my vids when I saw someone had seen my vids

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can separate my life within the process I walk and my life of the past, as those who I have known and currently know and thus fear being seen within my vids and as the process I walk, instead of realizing this is ego attempting to protect the self definitions I have created and accepted within myself about ‘who I am’, instead of realizing that this is why I make videos and walk this process of change, to rid myself of the self definitions of the mInd that fear how others see me and that presents myself as a false image of who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen in my vids because I fear others laughing at me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being laughed at by others as not being accepted by them, instead of realizing that I do no require to be accepted by others, as I am here as all as one as equal and thus the only acceptance that is required is for me to accept myself here as life

I forgive myself that I havent yet allowed myself to realize that if I accepted myself here as who I am as life, I would not require and desire and fear the acceptance of others or the lack thereof, as I would accept me

I forgive myself that I Have not accepted and allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally for who I am here, as who I have created myself to be as the ego within realizing this is how I will be able to change me, to see me, accept me and direct my into changing who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on how others see me within my vids – instead of valuing me as who I am here as life and thus who I am as the self expression within my videos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self value through defining others perceptions of me as more valuable then who I am here and how I live as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as calm and cool when asked about my youtube channel, as a way to protect the reactions I had within myself, in fear of exposing this fear I was experiencing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a false presentation of myself as being ‘cool’ with others seeing my vids, when I in fact was not cool as within myself I reacted and allowed back chat to exist within me, realizing that I was not cool because I realize if I was ‘cool’, there would be no reaction and no thoughts about the experience, I would simply be here breathing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to present myself different then how I actually am experiencing myself, in fear of being judged or fear of being self honest about how I experience myself within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the reactions within myself as fear of others seeing my vids, instead of being self honest in the moment and not presenting myself as ‘cool’ with it, but bring myself back to breath and not allow thoughts to run amok in my mind within thoughts and ideas and fears about others seeing my vid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into 2 beings, one where I present myself in ways that I believe others will find acceptable and I will not be judged, and the other within myself as usually the opposite of how I present myself thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within who I am in moments where I react, instead of standing equal within the acceptance of ‘this is who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become’ yet I realize this is not eternal and I am able to change, thus self honesty to see what I am allowing and to change in the moment to no longer accept and allow it as I can see clearly it is within separation and self definitions that do not support life, as I separate myself from others as me through fears and anxiety, attempting to protect the ego of the mind where I have believed myself to be

When and as I see myself presenting myself to others and myself different from how I am actually experiencing myself within myself, I stop and I breath and do not allow myself to suppress the experience within myself, but instead breathe and see what it is I am allowing within the self definitions I am attempting to protect thus supporting myself to correct myself with writing and self forgiveness

When and as I see myself going into thoughts of wonder and ideas about who is seeing my vids, I stop and I breathe realizing I am separating myself within valuing others more then valuing me here as life and thus I breath to value myself as life, equal and one

I commit myself to stop the ego of the mind as self definitions that attempt to protect and defend itself through writing, self honesty, breathing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, taking self responsibility for who I am in each moment

I commit myself to stop the false self I present to others that is different from who I am within my mind and instead live within equal and one alignment, within and without that is best for all

I commit myself to realize that anything within myself and my mind that I fear to expose to myself or others is because of self dishonesty, and thus I commit myself to push myself to become self honest within who I am within myself and who I am within this reality, so that I am equal and one within and without, the same, being a being that lives within the principle of what is best for all, equality oneness



15 June 2012

Day 42 - Destonians: The Gang for Life


I allowed myself to fall within this point of writing everyday. And have been given myself excuses to only post Journey to Life every other day – or at least that is the pattern I am allowing.

Yet I realize the point of this process, and the fact that we are equally walking the same process.

I didn’t know what to write about today, and so I took the dictionary and opened it up and looked at the first word my eyes focused on: GANG.

I had a reaction come up. “What the fuck – how am I able to write about this word?” I did this because I was giving myself excuses that I didn’t know what to write about, and so I chose to use the support I have been given by others, to just open a book or dictionary and look at a word – see what comes up and write it out.

So – I did this and I got ‘Gang’ – and I reacted to this world. I defined it as ‘negative’ and of no use for me in my applying freedom in writing or self forgiveness. Yet – already, within seeing there is a ‘negative charge to the word’ – there is reason for self forgiveness. Because I attached ideas to that word with negative energies – such as a gang being about criminals. Yet what was fascinating is that the very first definition of the word in the dictionary is ‘a group of persons working together’ – LOL. I couldn’t help but think of my fellow destonians… who are standing up for themselves and life to create real change in this world, for all life. And this brought me to a point of self responsibility. Of how I have not been pushing myself to be fully what I am capable of and to live as. I have not been disciplined within myself to walk this process with consistency, and it shows in my Journey to Life blogs – where I allow myself to post every other day – when I am ABLE to write and post every day – there has been no valid reason not to. And so makes me consider those beings throughout this world, spread across oceans and continents, some even here in my own country… standing up and changing themselves and sharing with all how we do this practically. How we change this world actually. And so – who am I within this group? Am I pushing myself to be equal in my participation? Revealing myself to be actually changing myself? Not to the best I can – I see that within self honesty. And so thank you dictionary, thank you self, thank you destonians for showing me what I am able to do – and what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the word gang as ‘not valid’ when opening it in looking for a word to support me within my writing process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word gang as ‘not valid’ because of my accepted definition of the word existent within myself – which was negative and having to do with urban teens and young adults who commit crimes and are ‘outlaws’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word gang as a negative polarity within the image of my mind of young guys wearing baggy clothes and walking on the streets and not being productive citizens

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word gang through pictures and images within my mind based within a polarity as negative

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that a gang is a group of people working together and thus I redefine the word gang to be just that – a group of people working together and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in a gang, as a group of people working together for a common goal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push myself within my abilities to walk equal and one with/as the group of Desteni as Destonians

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push myself to write everyday for myself, and publish my writings every day for myself as others, to assist and support others within realizing how we are able to change this world practically, actually through/as ourselves

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that only as a group as all as one working together as one force for one goal that is best for all – will we actually create change in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push myself to be effective within myself within my process of changing myself as this world, through not pushing myself to be consistant with my application of writing and publishing every day – when I know I am able, and I have simply allowed myself to not with no valid excuse or justification, besides believing I can ‘do it tomorrow’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the moment that is here as change in a moment to write when I allow myself to go into resistance as the back chat of ‘I can do it tomorrow’, instead of realizing this is a projection as separation, separating myself from me here as the moment and what is here to be seen/realizing/lived within changing myself as the process I walk

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support myself unconditionally within consistently applying writing and publishing everyday, as I have realized for myself consistency is stabilitiy and thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to exist as stability within writing every day as consistency

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for myself when I see I am allowing resistance and lack of discipline within myself, instead of realizing I am who I accept and allow of myself and I DO NOT allow myself to be directed by resistance, as I realize they are gifts for me to wlak through and thus I allow myself to gift myself through walking and facing all resistances within myself and my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the purpose of writing everyday is to rescript myself into being a human being that actually cares in this world, that considered what is best for all and thus live this principle every moment of my life – so that we then create a humanity as a group that all care for each other as ourselves and thus creating heaven on earth, and so writing everyday and publishing everyday is the key to show who each one is, as who I have been has been kept secret within my secret mind where I have allowed an alternate reality of ‘who I am’ be spiteful and vengeful, and jealous and judgmental, feeding off myself as the physical to feed the energy of the mind and ego, instead of being here, walking as breath, sorting out myself to live effectively in ways that gets shit done in order to once and for all create a reality where all life is supported to live equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as excuses as to why the world wont change, instead of realizing I AM the change that I want to see in this world, practically, physical, with writing and self forgiveness… and thus I commit myself to walk this process, out loud and for all to see. I commit myself to stop all excuses for not publishing every day when I see clearly there has never been a valid one

I commit myself to support the group that stands as what Is best for all as I have been supported within my own standing by/as the group

I commit myself to walk equal and one with all others beings walking the equal and one process as me – coming together all over the world to stand as one, within equality to once and for all agree the change the world as ourselves, into/as What is Best for All

I commit myself to never give up on this process – and to push myself until I get it, until it’s done








13 June 2012

Day 41 "I LOVE Life"



"I LOVE Life"

This is a what displayed on a shirt I use to wear, bright yellow, with the "love" being represented by a big red heart.

That's how I wanted to exists, as "loving life", and everything was wonderful, and beautiful and 'all was well'. This is a delusion I wanted and chose to exist within and as - because the other shit of this world, I did not care to see, or acknowledge, and of course never take responsibility for.

So it was easy to "Love Life" - as I had a job, and a home, and was secure in the fight for survival. But what did this "Loving Life" actually do - blind me from REALITY. I was too busy pretending this world was so grand and great, that I could not see the suffering... I could not see the pain, I could not see the millions asking for help. I could not see what was causing the problems.. I did not want to accept there was a problem, I accepted the mask that said, "I'm ok, Life is good"

So this energy of "Loving Life" actually just blinds us to what is actually going on in this world. Or if we dare to see, we want to pretend it isn't real. We fear to see the Reality of what is Here.

And so, we keep ourselves trapped in the dark, not wanting to shed any light on the matters of this world, the fact that this System is cruel and millions beyond millions of beings, ALL forms of life are being abused. Is this how we "Love Life"?

Self interest is what causes us to say, "Life is good. I'm Loving Life. I love Life." Why can we say that? HOW can we say that? Because we... have money. We have money to buy food. We have money to have a home. We have money to buy a car that we can drive to work where we can have more money to be happy with, where our survival in this world is bought and paid for in full... and we do not have to face the rest of Humanity. Instead we say, "Don't look at that, that is not real, that is an illusion, what matters is your happiness, and your life, and the fact that YOU are NOT the ones suffering in this world." And so we accept the system as is, because we are secure, and we fear to question or dare to change it, because we fear. Life is fear, not love. There is no love in this world. And until ALL life is provided for, until ALL Life is giving equal access to HUMAN RIGHTS.. ya know the things that sustain your life here, until this is done, LOVE does NOT exist in this world, and to say otherwise is to continue being blinded by your own IGNOR(E)ance.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that "Life is good" when I have not yet stood in the shoes of ALL life that is here, in ALL it's forms.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as love - beliving there is actually love in this world, without standing in the shoes of ALL life that is here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend that Life is good and that I love life, when I have not actually every loved life, because I have done nothing to change myself or this world into a LIVING MANIFESTATION of REAL LOVE - which would be Life Supporting LIfe, as all as one as Equal, where ALL beings are honored as our equals and thus ALL life would be supported to actually LIVE with the basic needs that sustain LIfe here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist wtihin the dishonesty of saying that I love life, when I have no loved life ever, as I have only every turned my cheek to the life that is here for all, the life that is not supported, and the life that is abused and disregarded

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word love through denying the rest of the world that currently suffer and focus only on myself and my happiness, within the fear of being the rest of the world that currently suffers and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the polarity of "love" out of my fear of this world, and fear of not surviving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never love life, as I have yet to realize that ALL life HERE that is physical... is ME as LIFE and thus I have not loved myself as life because not All parts of myself are supported within LIFE - to actually live and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ymself to abuse life and allow life to suffer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define this world as beautiful and lovely - when I have not yet in fact allowed myself to SEE this World for Real, within ALL that is here, how ALL beings are experiencing themselves and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in delusion within the idea of 'loving life' where I wanted to pretend everything was ok, but this was only considering myself and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ymself to exist within self interest of only caring for and love my life - instead of realizing the WHOLE life that is here that is not currently being loved

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as a 'loving person' when I have not yet allowed myself to stand in the shoes of ALL life here, facing the reality of this world in how it actually exists and actually changing it to be that which is REAL love - Life for ALL Equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in ignorance through claiming that love exists in this world when I have not taking into consideration anyone else's life or experience on this planet, not yet realizing that I have accepted a money system that does not value life, but values an idea, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in an idea of love without LIVING it within this physical world, practically, that shows LOVE actually exists

I forgive myself that i Haven't yet allowed myself to realize how I am able to create and manifest real love in this world - equal for ALL

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the bliss that is my ignorance when I claim to love life, when I have only existed within the consideration of my life, and not ALL other life here and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to separate myself from love as life - where I see ALL life here as me and thus consider what is best for all and how it can practically be created in this world within realizing this is the only way LOVE will be real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blind myself with the energy of love - where only I feel good, and feel safe, and feel secure, and do not consider anyone else or ALL other life here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use love as a way to blind myself, where I have defined love as a feeling I experience, not realizing that it's through the money in my pocket that i am able to experience the feeling of love I have created to not take responsibility for the rest of the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ymself to define love as a feeling, instead of defining it as a standard that is best for ALL LIFE - where love will then be proven to be real, as all life will be seen and honored as equal to all as one - and thus we will take care of each other, and LOVE each other for REAL

I commit myself to stop the ideas of love that produce a feeling that I can use to not face the reality of this world

I commit myself to create real love in this world through and as myself changing ymself into a being that care for ALL life as myself, and thus ensure that a system is implemented that will support ALL life

I commit myself to stop abusing life in this world, through pretending that love actually exists

I commit myself to stopping the illusions of love in this world that keep people blinded and actually create it in this world, as this is what is best for all as Real love

I commit myself to expose the nature of love that is currently accepted, defined and lived in this world - to be the most evil thing here, as it do not consider all life, it do no consider the current reality, and only exists within self interested feelings of make - believe that does not support ALL life - as we can see clearly - LIFE is being abused, LIFE is suffering.. and until we stop this with an Equal money System - it will not be real, and so I commit myself to redefining Love in this world through my living application of self change and to expose to all how we can change what love is in this world, from the most evil thing to actually living up to the statement, "I love Life" - as we will prove it by creating a system that supports all life to Live.





12 June 2012

Day 40: I Feel Dumb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another and define and judge them as an asshole because they kept correcting my English, and when I felt insecure within this, blame them for my experience instead of me taken responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dumb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to another because of my level of intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define another to be smarter than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to another as being less smart and thus inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and another on intelligence level, instead of realizing we are all products of our programming and thus we are not yet all equal within intelligence and capabilities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself on how I speak my words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as less intelligent than others and judge myself within this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not smart and thus dumb and justify this back chat with more back chat as “I’m going to school to get myself more educated”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how others interact with me and when I experience points within myself such as insecurities and inferiorities in relation to my intelligence, project them onto others through blaming them for the way they are instead of taking responsibility through stopping blame and to see how I am accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as inferior and insecure within myself in relation to my intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking and communicating with others I define as more intelligent than me, in fear of 'looking stupid' and them judging me - instead of realizing I am judging myself for being inferior within my intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not smart enough to communicate with all beings, realizing that to compare and define myself and another based on our level of intelligence, is of the mind, as I am than in competition with them, where I judge myself as inferior to some and superior to others, and thus realizing within this that I fear others judging me for what i have done to others - define myself as superior within intelligence, and within this 'feel better' about myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see another as inferior to me within intelligence, instead of stopping all judgments and comparisons that I allow to separate me from me as life as all as one as equal - thus realizing another is me and to compare or judge another, I am only judging and comparing me, creating competition in an attempt to win which is based within wanting to survive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen as less intelligent than another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define another based on their intelligence, instead of realizing that common sense within living in this world is simplicity, where all are able to be equal within simplistic common sense and thus intelligence has no room within equality as those that are 'more intelligent' are still responsible as I am responsible to changing ourselves/themselves within this world to produce a world best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to feed my ego with defining myself as superior to some based on intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being intelligent within this world through the acceptance that I have defined intelligenct as superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to not realizing that where each are born into this world will depend upon their level of education and thus their intelligence, and currently we are unequal in that not all have access to education and support and thus... removing all definitions of superiority/inferiority within intelligence, as it does not define who a person is, but where they were brought up and so it's to become responsible in this world to ensure that all have equal access to education where we will no longer accept separating between ourselves based on intelligence, as all will be equally educated and thus share our understandings and what we learn throughout life with each other, as we will than be in a world where our life is to support the whole as one as equal - as this is what is best for all

When and as I see myself defining myself within my intelligencing, comparing myself to another as either superior to inferior - I stop and I breath and I bring myself back here as the physical which is equal, thus no longer accepting and allowing separating and competition within me to/towards another, and pushing myself to become responsible within myself to walk in this life to ensure all are supported within a asystem where all will have a REAL equal opportunity to be educated

When and as I see myself blaming another for who they are because of the experience I have within myself in relation to intelligence - I stop and I breathe, and I bring myself back to self responsibility, where I see myself through self reflection what I am accepting and allowing as myself and so when I see myself defining myself according to my intelligence within comparing myself to another as being inferior - I stop and I breathe and I do not allow self judgments to be my reason for projections. I commit myself to stopping all projections of myself onto another and instead live self responsibility in all ways through always seeing that the 'blaming of another' is the blaming of myself and so I stop blaming myself and see what I am allwoing through self honesty, writing and self forgiveness

I commit myself to walk a process towards creating and implementing a system within this world that is real within it's equal opportunities for all to be educated

I commit myself to stopping the egos desire to compete to be better

I commit myself to stopping all self judgments that limits me within separating myself from another - I commit myself to stopping all self definitions that are not best for all

I commit myself to see another as me - realizing projections of myself onto another are me attempting to not see me - see what I am accepting and allowing within/as myself

I commit myself to educate myself within this world within realizing it will take self responsible human beings to re-direct this world into the creation of a world best for all and thus I educate myself to see what this world in all it's facets and to then change them within ways that are always best for all


10 June 2012

Day 39-Trying to Find the 'positive'

Yesterday I had reactions to a person writing to me. I reacted to his blame and took his words personally and within this 'negative' experience, I attempted to 'find the positive'. I was accepting his reactions and accepted them as my own through reacting myself... and it was so fast from this moment I went into thoughts on how I could make this experience 'something good' within myself. Yet - I had already accepted the 'negative' polarity within myself and from this attempted to move to the positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react 'negatively' to another's words to/towards me as defense and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and alloiwng myself to participate in the reactions of another to/towards me through reacting myself and thus believe his words to be true and then accept the experience of myself as not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the doubt in another as myself through questioning myself within the process I am walking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself within the process I walk of self change and through this experience myself as 'low' as 'negative energy'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept this negative polarity within/as myself and from this attempt to 'feel better' through thoughts as back chats that made me feel better

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to 'see the positive' through thoughts about how the situation was, where I did not have to face the initial experience of fear as negativity within myself and try to go only into the positive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to paint the picture within myself of the situation with another to be 'good' within the starting point of 'feeling bad' as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a victim to another persons blame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the experience of negative within myself through trying to convince myself that the situation was actually 'good' and not taking responsibility for my initially reaction within negativity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as who I am here to be within polarity - where I am either feeling 'good or bad', or 'negative or positive' - instead of realizing Life is HERE, constant, stable and thus no polarity. I see/realize/understand that polarity is within/of the Mind where I feed myself with energy as the 'highs and lows' of the experience I accept of myself and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the 'highs and lows' both within myself and in this world - where some are 'right' and others are 'wrong' and some 'have it all' and some of 'nothing - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept polarity as who I am and thus accept polarity within this world instead of realizing life is EQUAL - equally here for all and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within equality through defining myself and life to be 'highs and lows'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question the reactions within myself and instead attempt to supress them with thoughts of positivity where I can make the situation and the experience of myself 'better' to not have to face what i am allowing within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowig myself to believe that if I feel 'bad' I have to 're look' at the sistuation to 'find the silver lining' - instead of realizing there is no fucking lesson in situations - there is only me and what I accept and allow thus I realize that the statement 'where is the good within it' is an excuse to not have to face ourselves as this world, and the current suffering in this world cannot 'find the good', they require physical support and the physical does not exists in polarity - it is here for all, only humanity has decided to define life as 'negative/positive'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by the words of another - where I question who I am and what I do within my process of self change, instead of realizing the everyone/everything that is of the system will challenge me as I challenge myself as the system, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow fear within myself based another's fear... I stop and i breathe and I realize why I am here and why I walk with the principle of what is best for all/equality and oneness, because it is the only way real change will happen in this world, through our very nature, as we change the world will change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt even for a moment that what is best for all will not change the world, instead of realizing it is the only way that it will change the world into WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not changing in this world because of the words of another - Instead of continue to do what I do within facing myself, breathing and writing and self forgiving and self correcting.. realizing it is the way we will change who we are as we are going to the source/cause/origin of who we are to change it into life - where we care about each other and this world and have the courage to live in ways that are best for all

I commit myself to stop all fears and reactions to others and their words through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application... taking responsibility for myself wtihin this world - taking responsibility for who I am within myself and forgiving myself to be influence by fear in instead of remaining here as the breath, that is life, that is constant stable

I commit myself to stop accepting the negative within myself and thus in this world through running from it looking for the 'positive'. I realize this is not a solution to myself or this world and so I stop creating and participating within polarity, and see who I am and how I exist wtihin myself where I define and accept myself as 'negative/positive' and clear myself to be here in/as equality and oneness

I commit myself to stop all doubts I have about the process I walk, as I have already seen for myself how the tools are effective in changing who we are to beings that actually care and have realized for myself how this process will have to be walked in order to change this world into a support of ALL life and so I do not allow doubt or fear within myself based on another's words... I see/realize/understand what must be done and so I walk, breath by breath




08 June 2012

Day 38 - Split Myself into Two

Seems I did not save the last words I wrote – which were about a comment on youtbe that I reacted to.

This person was speaking about how she was experiencing herself within addiction, and then suggesting ways she will support herself within this.

I reacted to her words, I that I did not trust her. I thought she was actually playing with me – making fun of me and did not actually mean what she was saying.

So taking this back to myself – I can see I don’t trust myself. Because what I projected onto her was that, secretly she had other intentions. She was sneaking something within her self that she was not showing me and just presenting something else to me, in a deicitful way. I can see how throughout my whole life, I have done this. I have always existed within this secret reality of my mind where my experience ‘in here’/within myself has been totally different from what I present to the rest of the world. – And the fear of being exposed as such has been quite an influence in my life. Always ‘watching my back’ – so to speak. Like fear that I will be exposed as the faker I am and obviously now projecting this onto others.

Like when I talk to someone, I present myself as interested, when internally I am not.

This is a prime reason why we must stop our participation within the Mind. Because it is an alternate reality within ourselves where we can lie and cheat and attempt to cover our ass for not actually living in self honesty. So – within this whole point – fear of another expressing in ways to me that I have done throughout my whole Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto another through fearing they are presenting to me a false presentation where within their minds they have other motives and intentions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto another through believing they are hiding parts of themselves within themselves and are actually attempting to hurt or harm me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt and harm myself through separating myself from life through my participation in a separate reality ithin my mind, where I can hide and scheme and exists separately from how I present myself to the rest of the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust others within how they present themselves to me because I have allowed this as who I am and thus fear others are the same as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self trust through living in such a way where I present myself different then how I actually experience myself within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within myself as another being who does not actually come out in the real reality, and only present what I believe to be safe, how I believe I must behave and thus fear others do this to me as well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never question this internal reality within myself as my mind where I have always existed as a separate being different from what I present to others and thus creating a conflict/friction within myself by accepting myself as 2 separate beings – one as the internal mind being and one as this physical reality being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am able to align this 2 beings – my being that I have separated myself into 2 parts as the internal mind being and this physical reality being into/as equality and oneness, where I align myself within/as this physical reality to be one being here for real, living self honesty and what is best for all in each moment as the breath of life and no longer accepting myself to hide within myself as the mind, fearing myself, or fearing life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my mind separate form this reality of/as equality and oneness in fearing life – fearing to actually live, fearing myself and who I am within/as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believing the internal reality within myself as the mind is real and the physical reality in the illusion – where I feed the value I have given to my mind reality as my participation within it – instead of realizing the physical reality in the real reality where I require to be – and so I commit myself to stop the internal mind as the separate reality I have split/separated myself into/as and get back to life as this physical reality as the only reality that matters and take back directive principle of myself to live in ways that are best for all as I realize within this – there can exist no fear of self, no hiding of self, no shame of self, as self then is here as all as one as equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never investigate who I am within myself as the mind and actually question the existence of myself here – as I realize this is the only way I am able to change the ‘who I am’ as the ‘how I live’ into an expression that is best for all

When and as I see myself projecting myself onto others through defining them as ‘being/doing/expressing’ through assuming to know who/how they are – I always bring it back to myself – to be self responsible for who I am as I realize all parts of myself are mirrored to me in every moment as this reality – people, places, things, life, all things here are me and thus I stop projecting myself onto others and see what it is they are showing me about me within this realizing change is possible as I am taking self responsibility for me here

When and as I see myself presenting myself as something different then how I experience myself – I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to self honesty within directing myself through the internal experience to see what it is I am allowing as ‘who I am’ and ‘how I live’

When and as I see myself participating within my mind as the separate reality and splitting myself into the me as the mind – I stop and I breathe realizing the breath as the physical body is who I am for real and thus I stop the mind participation as I see/realize/understand the being as me as the mind is hiding and fearing life – to live out loud – and so I stop my fear of life and live with/as each breath of life

When and as I see myself existing in the separate reality of the mind – I stop and I breath and bring myself back to the one reality that is real – the physical and thus take responsibility for what I am allowing within/as myself as who I am within/as this life

I commit myself to investigating the ‘who I am’ within the mind within realizing this is what I am allowing myself to keep me from living and thus I commit myself to stop fearing life and dare to live out loud – here as every breath – and stop the internal reality that is only real for me

I commit myself to stop all projections of myself onto others through assuming who they are or what they are doing/experiencing themselves as – I take it back to me within commiting myself to see all parts of myself mirrored to me as all people in this reality – me showing me to me what I am accepting and allowing

I commit myself to stop the separate reality within myself and align it to the physical reality which is real – which is best for all as it is within/as equality and oneness thus I commit myself to stopping the separation I have allowed through accepting my internal reality to be separate form my external reality and align both to be what is best for all – which is through writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, corrective application