30 April 2012

Day 14 - Changing myself to be in a Relationship

Throughout my life I can see how in every moment of finding a potential partner and actually entering into a relationship - I changed myself. I would wear certain clothes, and stand a certain way - do my hair and make up in a specific way... work out, eat less, and be available to them no matter what. Place myself in a 'less than' position - where I did not consider myself or who I was or why I was changing.. and only regarded my partner - what they wanted, when they wanted me around and making myself completely available for them. No hesitation - as I did not care for myself - I only cared for me being in a relationship, as I have discovered that Life to me was defined through having a relationship. If I 'had someone', I believed I was living.

Obviously I was not as I changed who I was in attempt to impress and keep that person around. In a constant state of fear of not being good enough and thus trying to be perfect, through how I pictured perfection in the Mind to be a physical presentation of what I saw in images of magazines and in the movies. I had to be this - or I would lose what I apparently have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself and who I am through changing myself for my relationships

I forgive myself for never accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as who I am here as the breath of Life and thus believed I had to change to impress and keep a partner interested in me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like who I am and define myself as not good enough and therefore change myself and my behavior and my demeanor in order to keep another interested in having a relationship with me

I forgive myself that I never allowed myself to realize that a relationship that I define as requiring me to change in not a relationship worth having

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self judgments as who I am as not being good enough and thus attempt and try to be good enough in comparisons to the images of women I would see in advertisement and movies as being perfect - try to mold myself according to this image and thus get lost in the illusion without ever considering who I am actually and what I am attempting to gain through particiapting in such an illusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a partner would not accept me for who I am here because I was not accepting myself as who I am here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am here and thus project my fear of who I am here onto another that I would go into a relationship with and fear they would be equal with me in my self judgments and fears about who I am as not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not being good enough and thus believe I had to change myself when going into a relationship

I forgive myself for never allowing myself to realize that a relationship is not about possessing and owning/having a partner and believe I have to change in order to keep them interested in me - instead of realizing a relationship between 2 or more people is one of intimacy, communication and principled living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my appearance when going into a relationship because I believed my appearance was not good enough and had to change it in order to keep my partner interested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear make up within relationships in defining myself as who I am hear naked without make up as not pretty or not good enough and thus live this self judgment through wearing make up as a way to be accepted by my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work out within going into a relationship within defining my body as ugly and not good enough and thus live out this self judgment through believing i have to work out in order to present the image of perfection within my mind as being skinny - believing this is what my partner desired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what my partner desired from me was that which I defined as perfection within my mind - as an image of a tall and lean women with nice clothes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider only my partner within my relationships - not at all considering myself or what I wanted but only lived for my partner in what he wanted and making sure that I was there to be available for him

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize relationships are an equal exchange of self wherein both support themselves and each others as living equals

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my partners needs as more important then my own

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to later in my relationships resenting my partners for not giving to me what i give to them and end up feeling like I was being ignored or un appreciated because me starting point for that very relationship was without consideration of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live to change myself so that I can be in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I will only be accepted and thus able to be in a relationship if I change myself into what pleases my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as a relationship slave - wherein I live to only be in a relationship and completely say fuck you to myself as I never once allowed myself to see myself - accept myself - love myself

I forgive myself that I never allowed myself to realize that my relationships with others are created and manifested within the origin of my relationship with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself to the extent where I did not want to be alone with myself yet desired a relationship to be that which I could hide within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within dishonesty in believing I have to change myself for my relationship - never considering that the change that requires within the relationship is to stop living for another and changing for another - yet living for me as life and changing for me into that which is best for all - and this is stopping the self definitions and judgments that I am not good enough

I forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good enough

I am here - I am enough



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others through defining them as needing me to be a certain way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support separation within myself and my partners through attempting to live within the definitions of the mind of what a relationship is - based on my physical appearance and having to look perfect for them so that they will be attracted to me and thus desire to be with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe how I look will determine what partner I get and thus desire to look perfect as a means to attract the perfect partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within defining myself through the way that I look

I forgive myself that i never allowed myself to be intimate, open, honest, communicative with myself and within my relationships - but hide within myself as fear of not being good enough and thus always put on a face that I believed they wanted as to keep them from leaving me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within believing I need another to live - instead of realizing I am here as life

I commit myself to create a relationship with myself of openness, intimacy, communication, honesty, trust, love, acceptance so that I never again manifest a relationship out of fear of who I am and being left alone

I commit myself to stop changing myself for other to desire me - but to be who I really am as the expression of myself as life in every moment

I commit myself to stop the the judgments of myself that tell me I am not good enough and desire another to validate that I am good enough

I commit myself to stop living for others and start Live myself as the truth of who I am - as Life

I commit myself to realize that relationships are reflection of who I am and thus use my past relationships as a gift of self reflection - to see who I have accepted myself to be and find the solutions that I can change myself within and into being a being that lives/expresses/communications/shares what is best for all

I commit myself to stop trying to change myself for another based on images in the mind of what perfection is - and I commit myself to realizing perfection is being here in every moment taking all life into the account of life - being accountable for myself as life - counting each breath as who I really am - seeing/living/walking equality with all here as me


29 April 2012

Day 13 -Asking for God's Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is a power greater than myself that will forgive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in god as a power greater than myself as the only being in existence that can forgive me

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that unless I can forgive myself no one, including such a god, could forgive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect another, such as a god, to forgive me when I have not yet forgiven myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea that there is a god that will forgive me for allowing abuse and hate and separation to exist within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judgments and hate and abuse to/towards others in this reality and use the excuse that god forgives me as a way to not take responsibility for who I am and what I participate as an allowance of my nature

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea within my mind of a higher being in existence such as god that will take care of me and my life as long as I ask for forgiveness, instead of realizing it is the fear of myself and what I have existed and created within this world as myself that I seek such a being believing that I am unable to stop and forgive myself and thus change who I actually am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept abuse within this world through the belief that there is a god that will forgive me, implying that I do not have to actually physically change - I can just hold onto the idea that there is a god that will forgive me - that he will forgive me for hating another form of life

I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to realize that the god within my mind as the being that is almighty who gives forgiveness is actually me, created in my image and likeness, and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I have the power of forgiveness within and as who I am here thus I take power and responsibility to forgive myself so that I can stop waiting for a savior and save myself through stopping the patterns of abuse as the thoughts i Have about others in my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a secret reality within my mind where I can hate others in this world and judge them and see them separate from me and accept this and justify this secret reality through believing there is a god that will forgive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind my creation of a god so that I do not have to be responsible for who I am in this world and become responsible for what this world currently shows us as a whole

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define gods forgiveness as greater than my own forgiveness

I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to forgive myself - within realizing only I can forgive myself

I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to give to myself that which I would like to receive from another - forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Life that is Here that is Equal and one with All that is here as we are all the dust of the earth, through existing within an alternate reality within my mind where I do not have to see others as my equals and I can hate them and look to a power greater then myself that will save me from what I am creating as separation and abuse within this world - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I do not have to face the consequences of my creations because i Believe god will forgive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am as the Creator, as Equal to it's creation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as god - as this physical reality in which I find myself without realizing my body is of the earth - the earth in which provides for me Life that is given to me unconditionally and within this given, I have abused life through separating myself through ignoring the physical reality and existing in the mental reality of the mind wherein I do not have to stand equal to god - yet limit and diminish myself to be less then god where I believe only god can forgive me - not realizing god is me as the earth as god is all that is here as this physical reality as the earth

I commit myself to standing equal and one as god as this physical flesh that I am in stopping myself through forgiving myself and thus forgiving all as me and correcting myself so that I never again find myself in separation of myself as what i Have created

I commit myself to investigating the beliefs I have about god in believing there is a power greater then me - I commit myself to see myself as Life as Equal and one with the Earth and all the matter that is here

I commit myself to stop waiting and hoping and praying for something greater than me to save me and SEE and REALize myself here as the Power to Change what is being created

I commit myself to live principles that are best for all through stopping the idea of a greater power as god, realizing to allow a being to be greater then me I allow it within this reality and thus accept and allow separation to exist within humanity as some having more then others and some being more powerful then others - I stop this abuse of Life and get back to Equality and Oneness where all Are Gods as we are Here

I commit myself to realizing I Have abdicated my responsibility to change my nature through believing in a force outside of myself

I commit myself to stop the polarity of masters and slaves

I commit myself to walk a process of purification wherein I perfect myself as god to be that which is the force that change the nature of myself and thus the nature of this existence


Day 12 - Believing I Need to be in a Relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe throughout my Life that I need to be in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that life is not complete unless I am in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define living Life as being in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself and thus seek myself separate from myself here through seeking a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self judgment of myself so much that I did and would not be alone and thus always seek out a potential partner wherein I could hide from myself within the relationship and not have to face the fear I had of being alone - within all of myself here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone and thus exist within the starting point of fear when entering a relationship and then continuously exist within the fear throughout relationships in my life - where I feared they would leave me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was not 'ok' until I was in a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my Life would only be ok and satisfying when in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to completely disregard myself and who I am here so much that I attempted to seek fulfillment in a relationship with another separate and outside of me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self hate to the extent wherein I could not accept myself to be alone - always believing I needed to be in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good enough and unacceptable without a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe only within a relationship would I find acceptance and happiness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe only within a relationship will I find love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from love, happiness and fulfillment through believe these exist separate form me here within another that I require to be in a relationship with and thus constantly seek and search for that one to give me these things I separated myself from

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through seeking satisfaction and fulfillment and acceptance through another in a relationship

I forgive myself that I never allowed myself to realize the 'emptiness' I was attempting to find and fulfill was me - always seeking for me yet never allowing myself to be self honest about it and instead believed a relationship with another was the purpose of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the purpose of life to be having a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to settle for any relationship that came my way because I did not want to be alone and feared being alone and believed I was lucky to get what i could and thus would take what I got - never allowing myself to stand up within realizing relationships should be one where we grow and expand and challenge ourselves - instead of settling out of fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my whole existence was based on finding the perfect relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into any relationship that presented itself -without considering who I was within the starting point of entering the relationship and considering whether it was best for me wherein I would be supported to be more that what has been allowed and support the other in becoming more then what has been allowed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into relationships based on self interest- not considering at all who it would effect and how it would be experienced - but only saw what I wanted and thus went for it - without considering the consequences

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire so much a relationship within self interest and fear of beign alone - that I would enter relationship where I know another would be hurt - deliberately disregarding others in my reality that would be affected - yet did not care and only allowed myself to consider myself and no one else

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm another so that I could be in a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within only my desire of a relationship

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realize that the desire for intimacy and relationship with another is the desire for self and thus I allow myself to realize that I am here and realize that I will not find what I am looking for in another - I have to give it to myself and thus

I commit myself to give to myself that which I sought out in a relationship in another - love, attention, affection, acceptance, intimacy, trust, communication, respect, enjoyment, expansion.

I commit myself to establish a self agreement/self relationship wherein I learn all parts of me and get to know who I really am in ways that I can then see what relationship/agreement would be support me in becoming more then who I have accepted myself to be

I commit myself to stop the desire for another - and start seeing me - realizing that who I am within myself and in relation to myself is the starting point for all relationship within my reality - with every person I meet - and thus I create an agreement/relationship within myself of equality and oneness so that I can then expand into the greater reality, directing and manifested relationships/agreements that reflect to me my self relationship/agreement - based on principles that are best for all

I commit myself to get to know myself - to see what i Have to offer myself - and to change that which does not support myself

I commit myself to giving myself Life - to give myself satisfaction and fulfillment as I realize here as LIfe as the breath - I am whole - and I am equal and one with all that is here - thus I am complete

For further support within what we currently allow within relationships and how we are able to support ourselves to change, check out: Creation's Journey to Life: Failed Relationships



27 April 2012

Day 11 - The Beauty System Demon's attempt at Defense


Yesterday while I just got out of the shower and was getting ready for work. My mom ran in to use the bathroom. I am busy brushing my teeth and about to ask her a question when she says, ‘god you smell so gross. It smells like an old man in here – it’s so disgusting, it’s because you don’t use anything’

I reacted to this by turning around and walking away and saying, ‘shut up, don’t talk to me’. I was about to go up to my room – but realized I was still brushing my teeth so when into the kitchen to use the sink.

I was reacted heavily to this – and within myself I was saying, “how dare she. I don’t use any products because I use to place so much value on them – and now I am showing myself that I can live without them’ I went into anger and blame ‘for she’s the one that values the beauty system including products used to change the way that we smell into “acceptable” ways.

She attempted to apologize – but I didn’t want to hear it. I was so angry at her for being a bitch. That’s what I was saying within my mind, that she has no clue. And defending myself and also felt belittled. Like inferior and weak – and felt like this is what she does. Defines me according to the way that I look and the way that I smell.

I wanted to say this to her, “its too bad you only see me as the way that I look and how I smell” I wanted her to just get over it and stop trying to form me into something that was more pleasing for her. I was quite in the defense mode.

I wanted to stay mad at her and ignore her/not speak to her as a way to punish her for saying that to me. To make her feel bad for making me feel bad. SO this is out of spite – allowing my experience to change because of something she said – and thus blame her as the cause of my reaction and thus wanting to punish her for it.

I can direct this back to myself within seeing that I placed value on the way that I look physical – and use to value a lot how I smelled – and had to make sure I had perfume that was pleasing for others in attempt to attract them or to envy me for smelling so good – and attempt to get others to like/accept me.

Then I went into fear for how I smelled. And feared that she was right – and I do smell disgusting and that others smell this and don’t like it and are secretly behind my back talking about it.

I realized later that she was agitated and annoyed when she got home from work – and she was speaking out of her own reaction. Therefore – it’s not for me to take personally – as she was attempting to project her own self anger/irritation outward and separate from her and thus I did not stand because I ended up reacting to her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to mother because she said that I smelled bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger at my mom for telling me I smelled bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within/as anger as back chat of, “it’s your fault I smell because I Have stopped using products because of how much I valued them to define me and I got that from you”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger and defense at my mom when she said I smelled bad as the back chat of, “I wish you could stop defining me on how I look and how I smell”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior within myself when my mom said I smelled bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as a victim to my mom’s words as I took them personally – instead of realizing it was only my ego that was hurt and thus not who I really am – as I realized my mom was speaking out of her own reactions – I did not have to participate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear smelling bad because my mom said I did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on how I smell

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior for not using products that produce a specific smell and thus separate myself from others who do use products

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as better then my mom and others who use products because I define myself as better for not using that stuff as I am more aware and not spending money on what advertisement and society tells me what I should be wearing/smelling like

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the advertisement that says I have to use this product or that product to have a smell that is pleasing for others – thus attempting to live/please others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear perfumes and products that produce a smell that I belief others will be attracted to and find pleasing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to wear perfume so that others like me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the odor of my body naturally – in fear others will find it disgusting and not like me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the natural human body order that it produces to my disgusting because I have brainwashed and conditioned myself to only like the smells I buy in the stores because I have accepted myself to believe that is what smells good and makes me acceptable to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the smell of my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within projecting my self definition about what smells good and what doesn’t onto my mom when I reacted to her for saying that I didn’t smell good – instead of taking responsibility for my participation in the beauty system wherein we judge what is natural in the interest of consumerisms and buying into what society tells me smells good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as inferior to my mom when she said I smelled disgusting and in attempt to get back power and control – diminish her in my mind as being egotistical and placing more value on the way I look and smell then on me as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mom for the reactions I had towards her words projected towards me out of her own reactions and thus go into my mind within blaming her for my reaction of anger and inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to punish my mom through not speaking to her because of my accepted reaction to her words of me not smelling good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my mom to feel bad for saying those words to me because I accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by the words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to punish my mom as if she was the cause of my reaction – instead of realizing it was my acceptance and allowance to be hurt and take her comments personal – when I could have simply seen she was within her own reactions of irritation and thus did not need to participate in supporting her reactions as I allowed my own reactions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn and walk away form my mom when she said that I smelled bad as a physical reaction of automation where I did not want to see her or talk to her because I allowed myself to become angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for placing value on the way that I look and how I smell through products outside and separate form me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need products to make me smell good so that others will like me and I will be found to be attractive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am responsible for how others react to me – when I realize I am not – I am only responsible for myself and who I am in every moment and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self responsible in the moment my mom said I did not smell good and instead allowed myself to react to her words and go into inner conflict with myself in relation to her

When and as I see myself reacting to my mom and others within my world based on what they say to me or about me in relation to the way that I look or smell – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back within the awareness of self as life where reactions do not exist – only direct seeing within realizing she was within her own reactions and so when I see myself reacting to a reactions – I stop and I breathe realizing this does not support her or me as Life

When and as I see myself projecting my self anger for value the beauty system of what is acceptable and what is not – I stop and I breathe – and bring myself back to self responsibility as the breath to be able to direct myself in such moments wherein I do not allow reactions as I realize reactions are of the Mind as Ego attempting to defend it’s existence

When and as I see myself allowing myself to feel hurt based on others words towards me/about me – I stop and I breathe and realize I am responsible for my experience and thus I stop giving away my power to another through allowing myself to ‘feel’ hurt – I realize this is only real as I participate in it and thus I stop as I realize that I can because the feeling I am allowing is not real and thus I stop particiatping in an imaginary world where others can hurt me with words

When and as I see myself attempting to punish another for the way that I experience myself as a way to blame them as the cause of how I experience myself – I stop and I breathe and realize this is abdicating my self responsibility as creator of myself and thus I stop separating myself as the creator and take responsibility and stop the spite within me where I believe if I hurt another must hurt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within revenge

When and as I see myself attempting to take revenge on another – I stop and I breathe realizing this is absolutely unacceptable as I realize revenge is within blame and defense and so I stop blaming something/someone outside of me and stop trying to defend my ego as the self definition I have created – this is not real and so I stop supporting it/participating it and stand equal with all here as me

When and as I see myself going into back chat as blame and anger – I stop and I breathe and bring it back to myself as I realize I am not reacting to another separate from me here – they are merely triggering a point that already exists within me and so I take responsibility within investigate what I am supporting within myself that allows such an automatic reaction

When and as I see others speaking words directed towards me out of their own reactions – I stop and I breathe and do not participating in the cycle of blame and projection

I commit myself to bring all points – all thoughts – all reactions back to myself and stopping blame as I realize within blame I give away my power to change

I commit myself to stop the automatic reactions of the Mind as Ego in attempt to defend my existence instead of realizing automation is not life – it is a program that runs without my directive principle – so I stop and commit myself in wlaking the process of standing as/living as the directive principle of/as myself in every moment as breath – I commit myself to realizing this is Life

I commit myself to stop the back chat of the mind that attempt to diminish others when I allow myself to become diminished by others – I stop the cycles of abuse and stop the spite that exist within humanity as I see it exists within myself

I commit myself to reflect back to myself in all ways every moment of reactions – to see who I am as I get to know myself and how I am able to live solutions that are best for all/me


26 April 2012

Day 10 - Life is not Polarized

Excuses to not do what I have committed myself to do.

Last night I came home from work with a headache. The headache is a similar pain I Have had before - and I know it's from thinking - from existing within ego and participating in the energy of 'highs and lows' wherein I use energy to move me and direct me in my world. After allow the positive energy to fuel me and I move and take many actions - I end up cycling back to the low so that the equation may balance itself out - and thus end up 'feeling' like not doing anything. And again - allow this energetic emotion direct me as energy that fuels me to not do anything.

So last night I could have written for myself - yet I 'chose' not to - as I was giving myself all sorts of excuses such as 'I'm in too much pain' and 'I don't feel like it'

These are the moments I require to allow myself to realize the gift of SELF - MOVEMENT - wherein I do not require energy as thoughts and feelings and emotions to direct me - but to in spite of what I Have allowed of myself - stand within self responsibility as self honesty to move myself. No excuses should be allowed. And so this moment could have been a gift of self seeing what self was allowing and in the moment stop it - yet I did not. I gave in the experience i Have created as the consequences of thinking and participating in polarity - and ended up going to sleep in stead as a way to suppress the experience of myself and not face what it is I was doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a victim within the pain of a headache - instead of realizing the pain is that which I create/accept/allow within and as the act of thinking/feelings/emotions as I am abusing my physical and causing pain through not being here and so the physical pain of a head ache is actually supporting me to be here with/as my physical - instead of separate from myself in the alternate realities of the mind where I allow positive/negative energies to fuel me and direct me in my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the pain of a headache for the accepted and allowed participation of myself within and as the mind as energies of positive/negative

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed/fueled by positive experiences I create within/as myself through thinking and thus allow this to move me within my world/my reality to get things done and keep up with my commitments

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the positive energies of the mind through thinking without realizing that the positive experience will have to balance out with it's equal which is negative and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not yet realize the consequences of existing within polarity where I do realize that for one point to exist the other must exist and thus I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize the consequences of allowing such polarity participation within myself and within the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed/fueled my the negative energies of the mind of "I don't feel like it" to move me within myself and my world wherein I allow the thoughts to be real as who I am and thus live it out within my reality where i submit myself to the thoughts/experience and end of allowing myself to fall within the minds dictatorship - instead of realizing the gift of the moment to stand up and direct myself within that very moment to say, 'No - I do not allow myself to be directed by the mind of experience' and thus breathe and move myself within doing that which I have committed myself to do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as positive and negative - instead of realizing they are one and equal and thus to exist within one point I give permission for the other to exist - and so I stop this and allow myself to realize/live equality and oneness - wherein no energies exist as that is not who we really are and thus self movement as self responsibility can emerge

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as feelings

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as my thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and alllowing myself to abdicate my self responsibility of self honest self movement within every moment of/as breathe where I no longer allow the mind to dictate me and who I am and how I live - but stand as directive principle of myself in every moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have free choice within myself and my world - wherein I prove clearly to myself that I don't when I allow the mind to dictate what I do or don't do based on experiences of feelings and emotions generated through the act of thinking - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept my own enslavement to my Mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions

I commit myself to stop my participating the the ideas of needing energy to move myself - I move myself as the breathe as this is self honest movement within self responsibility for myself and who I am and what I allow in every moment that I am here

I commit myself to stop allowing excuses of a negative experience generated through thinking direct me within myself/my world - I commit myself to direct myself within each moment - realizing this is Standing up for me as Life

I commit myself to walk my process of self change wherein I push myself to do that which is necessary to be done every moment - every day as I walk to ensure I create myself into a being that stands/lives/represents what is best for all - and thus commit myself to not allowing any excuses keep me from my commitment here and within/as myself as the breath

When and as I see myself participating in the energy of positivity within myself that i am allowing to direct me and my world - I stop and I breathe realizing I have already faced the consequences of this being that balancing out and allowing the negative within myself as well - and thus I stop and equalize myself through/as breathing wherein I am here - silent- actually living without the need of energy and thus able to effectively move myself within myself and throughout my world

When and as I see myself victimizing myself through the experience of pain - I stop and I breathe and I allow myself to realize the gift of the moment of physical pain as a headache being the support of/as my physical bringing me back here - back the reality within/as the physical as that which is real and thus I allow myself to realize the moment of the gift of the support to then direct myself instead of allowing throughts of the experience direct me

When and as I see myself defining myself within energies of the mind as positive/negative - I stop - and I breathe realizing life is not polarized and allow myself to realize only through the mind as ego do we polarize life wherein we define things as 'good or bad', 'positive or negative' - when Life is simply here walking each moment of/as breath


24 April 2012

Day 9 - I'mPRESSing Myself on You

Today I started a veggie garden. I have been wanting to do this for over a year now - and so throughout the winter I was researching various sites and videos to gain perspective on how to actually do this. Simple enough. So today was the day I 'got it done'.

I now have a small garden box in my back yard with carrot seeds, and green beans, and tomatoes, and bell peppers, and scallions. Something small just to start me out.

We do not have the ideal back yard space for a garden - so I built a garden box. I found some random slabs of wood in the garage and threw myself together a garden box. Within myself - I felt proud. Proud of myself for getting this done. For being inventive in improving with materials and actually constructing a garden box. Then - family members came home and I wanted their praise as well - wanted them to be impress with me.

Seeking of attention? Desire for being seen as doing something worthy? Who was I doing this for in the first place?

Me - I did it for me because I wanted to - and I enjoyed it. Working outside, working with the earth - I enjoyed myself quite a bit - yet the reactions of "Look what I did" was not so cool.

Looking closer I can see the self definition of 'doing something good because I planted a garden' - and 'I am using my own compost to make this garden great' - and 'I am doing this for me and no one else in my close immediate reality is doing this for themselves' - so a sense of superiority within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself after completing my veggie garden as the back chat of 'look at what I did - give me praise'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention and praise from others for completing my veggie garden

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect others to be impress with me for completing my veggie garden because I was impressed with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my ability to start a project and complete with - instead of realizing all it takes is research and action - no thoughts or ideas or self judgments about it necessary

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define someone who has a veggie garden as 'smart' and 'superior'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a veggie gardener wherein I then define myself as being 'smart' and 'superior'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as the the earth and life as vegetables through imposing my self definition onto it as being superior to other life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect responses from people of 'good job' and 'wow - I'm so impressed' after completing my veggie garden

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my veggie garden as something spectacular and thus expect others to do the same

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a definition of myself within my mind as who I am within creating a veggie garden and thus have an image within myself of 'how I will look' and 'how I will feel' and thus expect others to validate this image within my mind and when they don't - feel like I did something wrong or upset for them not giving the feedback I was expecting - the feedback I had already giving myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse life through defining the veggies and the garden to be for me a self definition wherein i can exist as superior to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a veggie garden out of the desire to be seen a certain way - such as smart and impressive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to define myself with things outside and separate form me here in order to validate my existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use a vegetable garden as a way to feed my ego

I commit myself to stop the need to impress people - which is another from of seeking acceptance - and thus I commit myself to accept me - live for/as me - and stop doing things for other people and the reactions to me. I commit myself to stop the desire of the attention of others being impressed by me

I commit myself to stop participating in the idea of the ego as the mind that I am superior to others and allow myself to realize this only reveals that i have defined myself and fear being inferior and thus present to myself this idea that I am more then or better then - when in reality I am only attempting to cover up and make up for the belief I have given to myself that I am inferior

I commit myself to stop separating myself within inferiority/superiority and Stand EQUAL as ONE with ALL in EVERY WAY - as I realize this is the ONLY way to stop all abuse of life that is currently here in/as this world

I commit myself to push myself to breathe in such moments where I allow automatic reactions such as seeking positive feedback from others

When and as I see myself expecting others to give me feedback I have already defined within myself - I stop and i breathe realizing I am in all ways projecting myself onto others when participating in thoughts/feelings and emotions - and thus I push myself to stop my participation and simply live here as breathing here

When and as I see myself defining myself as superior to others because of what I do or what i create - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the awareness that all is me and thus I am only attempting to be superior to myself - and so I stop this silliness as I cannot in fact be more then me - as I do not accept this of myself because I realize the abuse in attempting to be 'more then me' is my attempt to be more then life - I stop and get equal with/as Life

When and as I see myself using things outside of myself to define myself as 'who I am' within separation of myself as all- I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back within awareness of what is here - the earth - the physical - the substances that I am is who I in fact am - not these thoughts or ideas within my mind as the ego. I am simply here. Breathing as life - this is who I am - no definition required


23 April 2012

Day 8 - Existing For Others

Today is my 8th day writing of within the Process of the 7 years Journey to Life - and the point I wanted to touch on was 'writing for me - living for me'. And first before I begin - what's fascinating that I just noticed.. is that when writing physically the number 8 - how I write it, I start at a point, and loop around until I end up back at the same point I started. This I can see is where I wanted to go within my writing. I start with myself in that these words are produced from me... then I go on a journey throughout myself and my mind and attempt to do things for others, like writing and my participating - yet I am always brought back to myself. To self - to where I begin - to see where I started from - the origin. In general this is what this Process is about - getting back to where we started from - the darkness from which we emerged. While we have been busy 'out there' in our minds of projected realities - we are busy walking ourselves back to the beginning - back to where we started from - and we must... do... this... for... OURSELVES.

We cannot do this for anyone but ourselves. Because within doing this for ourselves - in self honesty - we are doing it for all of ourselves as equals and as one. Yet if my starting point for being/living/writing/breathing is for a point separate from me here - then I am fucked as I am then abusing myself within not seeing me - ignoring me - not allowing myself to realize Who I am here in relation to All. The Key is Self - practically - physically and this process can only be walked for ourselves.

This point is major within my life and this is only the first layer. I have always lived for others. Dressed in a certain way for others - spoken a certain way for others - wrote for how I appeared to others... Living my whole life in fear of others - how they will see me - think of me - perceive me. And I can see this point when I gift myself with reflecting the mirror back to myself - is I am seeking for myself - in how I see myself, how I perceive myself - how I live myself. Fear of not liking who I am so instead project this onto others in blaming them for causing my fear of who I am - and what I accept and allow.

So I bring myself back to myself in living for me. Investigating myself for Me. Supporting myself for me. Changing myself for Me - as within freeing myself for me - I am then a benefit to all as me. Once I have allowed myself to Live for me - then I can truly live for others in supporting others to live for them. It always in all ways starts with Self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself in certain ways - according to how I perceive others will want to see me/hear me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within fear of others and how they perceive me as my starting point for living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through valuing others and their perceptions of me more then seeing me here - more then valuing myself here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation of myself here through living for others - based in fear of how they will see/perceive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a fake image and presentation of myself through the desire based in fear of others accepting me

I forgiv myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the belief that how others perceive me matters, instead of realizing this is projection of how I will see myself - how I do see myself and thus I take back self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live my life for others - so others will like me or love me or accept me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself and thus seek acceptance in others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not love me and thus seek love from others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not value me here and thus seek value separate from me here through/as others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in self dishonesty through living the way I believe/perceive others will like me the most

I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to accept myself here in every moment within realizing this is actually LIving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to ignore myself through seeking validation and acceptance from others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in my world and reality for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to please others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can change for others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can walk this process for others

I forgive myself that I havent yet allowed myself to walk this Process for Me - in gifting myself with Life so that all may have Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if others are not pleased with me and do not like me - then I am fucked and alone and lonely without realizing that alone within myself is who I really am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my whole fucking existence based on others and how they see me

I stop this Here

I commit myself to Live for ME - bringing myself back to honoring myself as Life and stopping the self abuse in seeking myself through others

I commit myself to stopping the desire of others acceptances and learn to accept myself here

I commit myself to stopping the fear of how others will see me and allow myself to Live for Me

I commit myself to living in self honesty wherein I give to myself that which I have separated from myself through placing the responsibility of myself as my existence of who I am into/as others

I commit myself to bringing myself back together again within realizing all that is 'out there' is actually right here - within and as my very being as the flesh I walk and thus I commit myself to learn about me - investigate me - see me so that I might see others as me

I commit myself to stopping the self abuse as ignoring myself through placing value on others more then me here

I commit myself to walk this process for me - honoring me as Life - and allowing myself to Live that life that is Me as that which is best for all

When and as I see myself existing and participating in living 'for others' - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself as who I am as this physical body as that which is life - so I bring myself back to life and honor me as that which gives me life - as my physical body

When and as I see myself fearing and thus desiring others acceptance of me - I stop and breathe and bring myself back to the awareness that I am seeking me - in accepting me and thus allow myself to realizing when and as I breathe - I am accepting me - as life as who I really am

I allow myself to realizing the simplicity of/as Life as the breathe - I commit myself to walk simplicity

When and as I see myself presenting myself in ways that I believe others want me to be - I stop and breathe and bring me back to me and see what I am accepting and allowing - self abuse and thus I stop myself in this moment and start living for me - giving to me that whcih I desire in every moment - self love, self acceptance, self validation that self is here

When and as I see myself defining my existence based on others - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to me within realizing this is separation - so I stop and bring myself back to me where I exist here as all as one as equal - as the source which we are - which is the physical and so I breath bringing myself back to gether again and no more allowing myself to be defined by something/someone separate and outside of me here




22 April 2012

Day 7 -The Gift of the Relfection

What I have always in a sense known within myself - but can only now see it oh so clear - is that all thoughts - all feelings - all emotions within ourselves as our Minds as the experience we accept of ourselves to be Real - are always in All Ways about ourselves.

This has always been knowledge within myself that I could understand - yet since walking the Desteni I Process - and more specifically now walking the Agreement Course - I can see to what extent we have projected ourselves/separated ourselves from ourselves in always making everything about another person. "It's THEIR fault... THEY do this... THEY do that... THEY are the reason I am experiencing this - because of THEM and what THEY do..."

And what I can see within this - is the Gift. The Gift of giving back to ourselves that which we have given away - ourselves. Through abdicating such responsibility of ourselves to another - through blaming or making our focus point about 'them' and that 'they' do - seeing what we like or dislike in 'them' - if only we can see that that is Actually us - it is ourselves that we are seeing and so this is why it is a gift. Because all parts are here right in front of our faces. Lol - I remember a video of either Anu or Enki - where they speak so sly like about how such fools we as humans are - because Reality - the Reality of ourselves - is right in front of our faces. Lol - at the time, I didn't 'get it' - yet now I see.

So the gift is within being Self Honesty - and taking all points projected outwards and separate from ourselves - and realize it's a mirror. All these points we accept in judgments or opinions of perspectives of another - are US. How fucking cool to accept this within responsibility because then we are being shown in every moment WHO WE ARE - and thus are able then to distinguish what we are accepting and allowing and whether it is Best for All or not.

Obviously - we have a tendency to not reflect back to ourselves what we are placing onto another - yet if only we can get this one simple point - what a change within Humanity and our relationships would have (lol Maite - definitely see now what you were saying)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into a million different pieces through placing 'who I am' outwards and separate from me here wherein I place my responsibility of who I actually am - onto another - through judgments and opinions and perspectives of who 'they' are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself here as every moment of breath - through constantly and continuously thinking about 'them' and 'they' and how 'they are' and how 'they act' - instead of seeing the gift in each moment of what I am actually showing myself - My own self definitions and acceptances and allowances of Who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself in a such a way that I end up attempting to hide what I have created as myself through saying 'its them' - its who 'they' are - instead of seeing... It is ME - always in all ways - me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to hide my accepted nature through projecting myself onto others wherein I judge and define or accept and 'like' through seeing only others - instead of realizing again - it is in all ways ME

I forgive myself that i havent yet allowed myself to see/realize/understand that all thought/emotions/feelings I have to/towards someone or something separate form me here - is actually me and thus use this realization as a gift to give to myself those points that i have given away to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself through projecting myself and who I am and what I accept and allow as my nature to/towards others out there and separate from me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for who I am and how I reveal to myself who I am through thoughts/feelings/emotions that I project to/towards others in my world and my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is easier to blame others for who they are instead of taking responsibility for who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self judgment through not accepting myself to see all parts of myself revealed to me through how I see others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist separate from me here through existing in the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions wherein I look at others and 'who they are' and what they represent to me and blame them or like them for what I see within them - instead of realizing those things and people in my world are a gift for me to see - to see me for real as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in/as ignorance through not realizing all people within my world and my reality are in fact me - showing me to me through the nature of my thoughts about them - whether they are points I like or dislike - it is always about me and thus I allow myself to See ME in all - as Equal and One

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others as me through defining them as 'who they are' based on how I perceive them through my mind - instead of realizing I am only seeing through my Mind's 'I' - which is revealing to me in fact who I am - and how I have accepted myself to be who I am

I commit myself to see the gift that I give to myself in every moment through seeing others as me - and seeing my thoughts/feelings/emotions to/towards others as ME - thus allowing myself to see myself in every moment - taking it always back to myself as I now realize all participation in the Mind about 'others' are in fact me

I commit myself to walk the realization that all thoughts/feelings/emotions within my mind about others - projected separate form me here - are always me and thus I commit myself to always bring it back to myself and stop blame and hate and judgments and attraction - as it's always me - me showing to me who I am - and thus I commit myself to see for real me

I commit myself to stop blame/judgments/opinions/likes/attractions within the mind as projections of thoughts/feelings/emotions separate from me here - I take it back to myself - I commit myself to seeing this and living this as I have now allowed myself to realize this

When and as I see myself projecting myself separate from myself here through participating in thoughts about others - I STOP and I breathe and bring myself back within awareness of 'who I am' and what I am allowing - thus I allow myself to take responsibility for myself as what 'others' are showing me - the parts of myself that I have separated myself from - thus I stop separating myself from myself and give back to myself in every moment the ability and power to see me and thus change

When and as I see myself abdicating my self responsibility through participating in thoughts 'about them - why 'they' are - what 'they' do' - I stop and I breathe - bringing myself back to myself through reflecting this participation back to myself wherein I am then gifted with the reflection like a mirror to see who I am and what I am accepting and allowing and thus then in a position to become directive within myself to accept and allow only that which is best for all

When and as I see myself accepting myself to exist in projection of self onto others - I stop and I breathe - and I bring myself back to myself within the awareness that this is not who I really am - and who I really am is self responsible in bringing all points back to myself wherein I am then able to forgive myself for separating myself and able to change myself so that I no longer - ever again - allow myself to separate myself from myself



20 April 2012

Day 6 - "There is no Forgiveness..."

"There is no Forgiveness... there is only SELF Forgiveness"

I have heard this statement before and only now I realize what it means.

I was having reactions within myself to day in relation to a family member and the point I found myself participating within was, "He doesn't deserve my forgiveness" and the experience of regret for allowing him the opportunity to hurt me. Within this - my ego was bruised as I felt I made a mistake and was very much in blame of him and his actions and reactions towards me wherein I attempted to uplift myself as superior to him - and as a way to protect myself - within believe I have the power to forgive him or not. I was also unclear within myself about this point and what was actually goin on within me - not clear where my self honesty was and where my deception as ego was.

So the one point I can take/see within this is... I am not able to forgive anyone until I have forgiven myself. As to forgiven another is to claim to have power over them and their experience - when in fact I have no control over this - I only have control over who I am, what I participate within and what I will allow within myself and my world. What I don't allow is myself to continue project myself onto other - and so- I take this back to myself.

Why can't I forgive myself?
Why do I believe I am unworthy of forgiveness?
Why do I attempt to impose my power onto myself through believe I have nothing to forgive?

I know it's allways about me and so this point of 'not being able to forgive him' is a definition within myself wherein I beleive I am not able to forgive myself. Wherein I define myself as unworthy of forgiveness and thus I hold myself captive within myself believe I am unable to let go - to unconditionally let go of myself - for my life lived, actions walked, words spoken - acceptances and allowance.

I realize - until I am able to forgive myself, I will not be free and I will not be Life. Because this whole world is showing to us - We Need to Forgive Ourselves. Only then can we create a world that is Best for All. Until then - we are attempting to believe there is nothing to forgive and within this we ignore ourselves and allow ourselves to exist in ignorance where we believe we have have bliss. This is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unworthy of forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not being able to be forgive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe forgiveness comes form someone outside/separate form me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect another to forgive me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can forgive another before I forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to have power and control over another through the act of forgiveness and define one as unable to be forgiven instead of realizing I am accepting this within myself -accepting myself as unable to be forgiven

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I will never be able to unconditionally forgive myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to hide from forgiveness and believe forgiveness is that which I give to another - instead of realizing it is only that which I can in fact give to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself chained within myself as self hate and self judgment and fear of self for who self as become - instead of allowing myself to realize the power of self forgiveness - wherein I have the ability to release myself to my own self created bondage as spite - and am able to forgive myself - let myself go and recreate myself into that which is best for all - I DO NOT HAVE TO HOLD ONTO WHO I HAVE BECOME

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my unwillingness to forgive onto another

I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to forgive myself unconditionally in every moment as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is another way to change oneself besides SELF forgiveness - as I realize there is not. Due to what is currently here as this world - I realize the only way 'out' is through forgiving ourselves and without this - we are denying ourselves within taking no responsibility for what we have crated as the separation we are

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as living self forgiveness

I commit myself to forgiving myself

I commit myself to walking the process of self forgiveness as I realize this is the only way to change ourselves - this world

I commit myself to stop the projections of myself onto others through believing I have power over another instead of realizing the only power I have within/as me as every breath I breathe

I commit myself to stop the expectation of forgiveness from another and I start giving to myself that which I desire - SELF FORGIVENESS

I commit myself to realizing that I cannot forgiven another - I am only ever able to forgive myself

When and as I see myself existing within the ego of attempting power and control over others through giving or with-holding forgiveness - I stop and I breathe - bring myself within the realization that breathing is living self forgiveness as I am being honest with myself for the first time as life and thus allow myself to realize I am not able to forgive another - there is no forgiveness - there is only self forgiveness - and thus I allow myself within this to forgive myself for attempting to have power and control over myself through giving or with holding forgiveness from myself - I commit myself to GIVE it to Me

When and as I see myself believe I can forgive another - I stop and I breathe - bringing myself back within the realization that I am only ever able to forgive myself and until I can forgive myself I will not be able to forgive another - as all are me and thus first I must forgive myself in order for the forgiveness of another to be real

When and as I see myself expecting another to forgive me - I stop and I breathe - bringing myself back to the realization that I am only able to forgive myself and thus I commit myself to giving myself that which I seek from another - self forgiveness

When and as I see myself resisting/avoiding facing and thus forgiving myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become - I stop and I breathe realizing this process of seeing within self as honesty and thus forgiving self for the parts self has accepted within separataion of self as life - and so I commit myself to seeing/facing/forgiving myself within writing and the spoken word - living these words as I realize we as humanity require forgiveness.



www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.equalmoney.org

19 April 2012

2012: Dipping into Anger for lack of Attending to Self

Anger

WRITING
I find in moments when I am alone at home doing work – my can Ollie will come to me and seek affection. He will sit and stare at me until I give him attention. If I do not – he will meow and meow and meow until I give him attention.

In these moments – I find myself – not always – but have seen some moments – I become very irritated and angry – I become annoyed with him. And within this – within myself, I blame him as being needy and annoying and I wonder why he can’t just leave me alone. I find that’s it’s a burden to have to give him attention in those moments – I just want him to go away and stop his meowing. I tell him I don’t have time to stop what I’m doing.

He is very persistent in that he will not give up – If I am not giving him attention – he will walk over me – he will walk in front of the computer – if I move him away from me – he will come right back – over over me, and meow until he gets what he wants.

I can see perhaps this is reflecting to me – my cat is supporting me to see – that I have not been giving myself attention or affection. I realize it’s not my cat that I am angry at – it is me that I am angry at – so this whole points reveals to me that I am angry at myself that I don’t give myself attention and affection. Perhaps because I have always been so busy in seeking attention and affection outside of myself – from others – and so this suppressed desire for self affection/attention comes out as anger projected towards my cat who is saying “Hey – Give me Attention”

SELF FORGIVENESS
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at my cat Ollie when he is persistent on getting attention from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be triggered by ollie’s meow to become automatically angry and annoyed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my cat Ollie as needy and annoying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as needy and annoying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed with Ollie when he is seeking attention and affection from me – instead of realizing that he is assisting and supporting me to see that I am seeking attention/affection from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘why can’t he just leave me alone’ when Ollie is persistent in getting attention from me – instead of realizing that within myself – I leave myself alone – meaning I believe I do not need attention/affection from myself and thus believe he should be the same way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself judgments of being needy and annoying onto Ollie – instead of realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as needy and annoying through seeking attention and affection of others – wherein if I desire to be intimate with someone – I believe they think I am needy and annoying – thus I judge myself as this and so I realize Ollie is showing to me this point within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself when I desire attention and affection from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to define my cat Ollie as annoying when he does not give up on getting my attention through meowing and walking over me and coming back to me after I have moved him away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beelive the desire of attention and affection I seek is separate from me as in coming from another – instead of realizing in all ways that which I desire from another is that which I desire from myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to give myself unconditional attention and affection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept anger within myself for not giving myself attention and affection instead of realizing the solution is simple – give to myself attention and affection through honoring myself as life through/as walking with/as the breath and writing myself out – wherein I allow myself to see myself unconditionally and within myself giving myself attention to be with myself – face myself – be self honesty with myself and thus begin to love myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to in every moment attend to myself as Life – walk as the breath as Life and thus affect myself wherein I am able to change myself to no longer ignore myself as Life – yet live as who I really am as Self Love

When and as I see myself participating/existing within anger projected outwards separate from me here – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back within the self awareness of directive principles wherein I am able to see/realize/understand that this anger I experience is not about anyone or anything outside of myself – it is in all ways about me and my relationship with self

When and as I see myself participating/existing within the automatic response of anger projected towards something or someone outside and separate form me here – I stop and I breathe and bring myself back within self awareness wherein I have the ability to stop and see what I am allowing and thus stop my acceptance of this automatic response as anger and once and for all direct myself within ‘taking it back to self’ to see why I am angry at myself and to sort out the point so that I am no longer abdicating my self responsibility to have power/authority of myself

When and as I see myself seeking attention and affection from others outside/separate from me here – I stop and I breathe and I gift to myself that which I desire – which is affection and attention – I give that to myself realizing only I can. I stop expecting others to give to me that which I haven’t yet given to myself and thus I give myself attention and affection through being here with myself as life within every breathe and through writing – wherein I get to know myself and communicate with myself in self in – to – me – I – see wherein I am able to attend to those points that do not support me as life and thus have an affect on changing who I am into a being that is here within/as equality and oneness as what is best for all


REDEFING WORDS:
Attention

1. Gathering information:

a. Establishing self’s allocation point – defined as that which I receive from others – whether it’s praise or compliments or looks – it’s like this point of ‘receiving something form others’ wherein I see I have become dependent upon this. Instead of giving myself attention – I desire it from another. Attention to me also means I am ‘doing something right’ – and am thus worthy of attention and praise from others


b. Dictionary Definition –
noun
1. the act or faculty of attending, especially by directing themind to an object.
2.Psychology .a concentration of the mind on a single object orthought, especially one preferentially selected from acomplex, with a view to limiting or clarifying receptivityby narrowing the range of stimuli.
b. a state of consciousness characterized by suchconcentration.
c. a capacity to maintain selective or sustainedconcentration.
3. observant care; consideration: Individual attention is given toeach child.
4. civility or courtesy: attention to a guest.
5. notice or awareness: His deliberate cough caught the waiter'sattention.

b. Sounding the word – attention – attend to – attend to I – a ten shun – attend shun – attending to I

2. Investigate the information of the word that has been gathered

Does the definition within the different aspects that you have gathered as information of the word, carry a polarity charge (is it made ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’) I can see I have attached a ‘positive/good’ polarity charge to it


• Your own personal experience with this word – I can see I have experienced this word to be something that which another gives to me within defining myself as worthy of attention, as if I am doing something right enough to catch the attention of anoher
• How you have interpreted the word as ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’ Positive – wherein if I receive attention from another – then this validates me existence – I am validated as being ‘right’ and ‘ok’ with who I am what I am doing. If I do not receive attention – then I define myself as doing something wrong. That I am bad – that I am not good enough
• What associations do you have with the word? An experience of satisfaction or validation. Attention from others – whether it’s family or friends – Its that which I seek from others. Also – not receiving attention from others – I judge myself as unworthy and bad. Not getting attention from my parents I defined myself as unlovable – so there is this strive to be worthy of attention
• Do you feel better or worse when you are using or experiencing this word? Better – as in if I am receiving attention – then I feel good about myself and feel safe as I am apparently doing something ‘right’ and worthy of attention. So this work in essence makes me happy


Self Forgiveness on the word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention within a polarity of a positive charge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as that which I must receive from others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention I separation of myself here wherein I attempt to receive this word outside/separate from me here through others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as that which others must give me to validate my existence as being worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as an energetic experience of happiness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within the word attention as that which I either receive from others as being worthy or not receiving it from others and defining myself as unworthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself within the work attention as being that which I must receive in others in order to find myself and my existence as worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as something that which I fear not receiving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my existence within the word attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word attention in placing it within the responsibilities of others to give to me this word in which I have defined it as something that validates my existence
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as that which I receive if I am loveable enough
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as that which I receive if I am worthy enough
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself as the word attention through separating myself as the word through placing it within the hands of another – instead of allowing myself to give myself attention –attending to myself in every moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention within the complications of the mind as desires and needs instead of allowing myself to see it’s practical function to be that which one focus’s on without a polarity charge of negative or positive


I delete these definitions and stand clear within and as the word attention – removing the polarity of positive charge and allow the word to be innocent without memories or beliefs or ideas within it that do not support me or what is best for all

3. New definition

a. Creative writing: Attention – this is what I give to myself through stopping the need to validate my existence on others attention of me – whether I get it or not – I am not defined by this. I am still here. Realizing attention is a simply word to describe the focus on has on something or something – so in a way it is about being aware/attending to what is here – being aware in a position to give attention to that which requires attention. Within the attention of something – I am then able to direct it and change it into what is best for all. No more a self definition of polarity meaning ‘good/bad’, worthy/unworthy – but the practical functioning of directing what is here into what is best for all.

b. Writing the definition:

New definition: Attention – Attending to myself as life through breathing and thus being aware/self directive of myself in every moment so that I am then able to attend to what is necessary to be done here in this Life. To focus myself on living in every moment what is best for all, remaining practical in my living and giving focus to that which is Here – which is me as all as one as Equal



4. Checking the definition

a. Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?
Answer: no

b. Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?
Answer: yes
c. Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?
Answer: yes



Day 5 - Life is not a Race - Slow Down

Day 5

Tonight while I am wanting to go to bed - I have this point within me of "I have to get this done" as well a resistance to completing it. This 'it' is writing here. And what I see within the point of either going to bed and doing a blog tomorrow vs getting one done tonight - is this point of like I am in a race. Not wanting to skip a day because that will get me 'behind' - and wanting to be 'in the lead'.

What a fuck Up - Life is Not a Race. This Process of EQUALITY is not a race. I stop this Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as a race -wherein I have to be 'ahead of the game'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the starting point of competition - where I have to be better, be more, be ahead and be the example - wherein I separate myself from all as me not even realizing this point and process is about Equality - Equalizing myself as All within realizing we are in fact all equal and only through the Mind we attempt to be more then life, better then life, ahead of life - thus completely missing the point of Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to be 'more then life' through racing through life as it is a game I have to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as something I have to be 'good at' wherein I can get praise and be seen as special through others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to race through life in the attempt to 'get somewhere' faster then another - wherein then I can claim to win and being better as I got there first

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself as Life as the breathe - wherein I have the ability to sloooow myself down and once and for all exist in the present moment - cherishing myself as every breath I am/have and thus being able to walk within myself and my world with effectiveness as I realize that when I breathe - I see and when I see I am able to direct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to be better then others - to be more then others - to get somewhere sooner then others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself as each moment through believing life is about speed and the faster I get something done - the better I am, instead of alloiwng myself to slow down within every breathe - in every moment where I am then allowing myself to actually Live Life as me - seeing myself/my reality in every moment - cherishing myself and my reality and others in every moment - becoming intimate with Life as each breath where I am not speeding to a destination as I realize there is no where to go - there is only what is Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive there is something separate and outside of Here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as Life Here

I commit myself to slow myself - to breathe in every moment - to slow down myself within time wherein I am able to effectively see in each moment who I am and what I am allowing/participating within wherein I realize this is where I have the authority to see what required to be corrected - to be change as within the slowing down of myself as time as the breathe - I see within clarity - every movement, every thought and thus it's committing myself to self responsibility - wherein I take responsibility for every moment that I am here

I commit myself to stop competition within myself as I realize LIfe is not a race - and there is no where to go - there is nothing to win. I am simply here and thus I commit myself to being here/seeing here/breathing here in equality where I get back to this reality and stop the rushing of the mind that believes I have to go somewhere or win something.

I commit myself to stop the desire to be more then life, to be better then life, to be ahead of life - as I realize I am only attempting to be more than/better than/ahead of myself and thus I see how this separates myself from myself here as myself and all as me

I commit myself to gift to myself each present moment - wherein I am able to see myself clearly and thus support myself to change effectively

I commit myself to stop abusing myself as life through ideas of life being a game - wherein I have a destination I must get to as fast as I can - I realize there is no where to go - there is only to be Here, honroing myself as Life and thus stopping the self abuse

When and as I see myself attempting to compete with others through defining life as a game wherein I have to be more, get ahead - I stop and I breathe and allow myself to realize all is me - and thus I stop trying to get ahead of myself and allow myself to be here with myself in every moment - cherishing every breath that allows me to live

When and as I see myself defining myself as needing to be ahead of others/better then others - I stop and I breathe - bringing myself back to the awareness that all is me and thus I am not able to become more than me, and so I let this idea go and allow myself to see myself Here as LIfe

When and as I see myself separating myself from myself as Life as each moment of Breath - I stop and I breathe - standing equal and one with/as Life as who I really am - as the Physical - and allow myself to honor each moment I am here as Life - stopping the race and starting to Live


18 April 2012

Day 4 - Responsible for Change - within and without

So today I saw a very tricky pattern - a deceptive pattern of the Mind as a way to exist within resistance to change and avoiding myself in self honesty and self responsibility.

This Pattern is "I don't have nothing to change"

This reveals itself in thoughts such as, "I am stable today - I have been breathing - I am not possessed by anything"

LOL - when the mere statement within secrecy of my Mind PROVES that there is Change/Correction required Here. Within this point as the Mind of experience - I didn't want to write today - I didn't want to share or expose anything - as if I want to present myself as Perfect. If I were perfect - this world would not be showing to me currently what it is. People in my reality would not be showing me what they do - I would not exist in thoughts within my Mind where only I exist and separate myself from this One Reality.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have nothing to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am perfect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the thought, "I have nothing to change" as a way to avoid and resist the responsibilities within myself that I have committed myself to within REALIZING that who I am currently is a Mind System of thoughts and pictures and energies that compete and fight to be the winner without considering this reality I exist within where equality exists as me - if only I would allow myself to see/live this as who I really am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse "I am stable today" as a way to abdicate the responsibility I have committed myself to walking myself out loud - in self honesty - through hiding within myself as thoughts that there is nothing for me to change. The fact that there are 7 billion people on this planet and not all have access to the basic requirements of Life reveals to me that I have not yet perfected myself in fact as I realize perfection is all life living in equality and oneness - thus practically physically living equality and oneness through the realization that All is Me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide within the back chat of "I am not possessed by anything today" - as a way to resist going into myself within seeing the nature I have allowed of myself as the Mind and expose to myself who I have created myself to be - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take full responsibility in every moment within realizing every thoughts, every word spoken within my Mind is in fact separation and the self definition of self where self can be safe and not change - attempting to hide in not having to take self responsibility for myself as this World

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not responsible for myself or my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not responsible for this whole world as it is currently manifested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not responsible for the starvation that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not responsible for the war that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not responsible for the rape that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not responsible for the suffering that exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am not responsible for the fact that we as humanity are killing and destroying our environment - that which is who we are - the earth, through our greed and self interest to have more - to be more - not realizing what consequences we have for not taking responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others can change the world - I don't have to - because I have accepted myself to believe I am not responsible for what is here as this world - that I am equally participating within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can run away from self responsibility and consequences thereof - without realizing that I am Here - that thus I must face what is Here in order to change what is her e- until this is done - I will never be free

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self responsibility and authority to the mind as me wherein I believe the thoughts that I have not points within myself to correct - instead of realizing that until there is nothing within and as me and I am again standing as the innocence of a child that is not of this world and equal as the physical - I am responsible for myself - I am responsible for the separation and inequality within this world as I still allow thoughts to direct me based on the past and who I have believed myself to be in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away as self creator through abdicating self responsibility for correcting what is here as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the illusionary feel good experience of " I am perfect' wherein I believe I am stable and there exists nothing within me - instead of realizing this very thought exists within my as the lack of standing in the shoes of all and within my ignorance spit on life as I hide within these ideas that I am not responsible for changing - as I see what this world is and thus I SEE change is requires and I realize this change must be in every and all ways Best for ALL - without this Life is not perfect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself as All of Humanity

I commit myself to walking myself within every moment of breath wherein I am self aware of myself as the Mind to be able to see every thoughts - every word - every movement that I do not direct - as this is enslavement and thus I commit myself to stop my own enslavement as the Mind and Direct myself to see this nature of myself as the separation I see without - I see it and I change it through forgiving myself and committing myself to perfect myself as Life

I commit myself to walk every moment as breath to come to realize that I have to walk in the shoes of All here to prove to myself that I am considering Life - that I am considering myself as Life and do whatever is necessary to be done to sort out myself thus sort out this world - because within standing in the shoes of All - I see correction is requires - I see forgiveness is required - as I am allowing myself to stand in those without a voice- those that i am made a victim to me so that I can exist within a separate reality of the Mind

I commit myself to seeing myself as the Mind and commit myself to take responsibility fully in every moment of what I allow within myself - every thought - every judgment - every experience that is not best for all - I commit myself to stop and to see where it is coming from and walk myself backwards through time to bring myself back to the beginning of what I have allowed as creation thus to be within the starting point of what is best for all

I commit myself to stopping the excuses of the Mind that tell me I do not have to change as I realize this world requires Change and I realize I must be the Change I want to see in this world - and thus I slow myself down to see myself in every moment - to see points of separation where I attempt to be more then or accept myself as less then life - I stop this and forgive myself - every moment - every day until All Life as Me is Free

When and as I see myself participating/existing within the Mind of Excuse that I do not have to change because apparently I am not responsible for this world - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the physical as life - back to the physical body that is in fact of this earth and stop myself for participating in the alternate realities of the mind wherein I believe I do not have to be responsible for myself as Life as the Physical - I breathe within Self Responsibility

When and as I see myself attempting to run away and hide from my responsibility to/for myself as life through back chats as excuses that I don't have anything to change - I stop and I breathe - within realizing that until Life is free as All that is Here - there then still exists separation within me and thus I direct myself to be here wherein I have the power to forgive me - correct me - create me within and as the Living words of What is Best for All

When and as I see myself going into resistance of facing me as the Mind - I stop and I breathe within realizing the Mind does not want to change as the Mind fears to lose itself ans thus I breathe through this experience of fear of the Mind and realize that I am here - I am here as the breath as the physical and thus I direct myself within what is best for all - within realizing facing/forgiving/correcting myself in every moment is what is Best for All until there is nothing left of me as the being that is of this World