19 December 2012

100. Playing Catch Up for Consequences Accumulated

So I see this pattern of not doing something for awhile that requires consistent attention/application – and after sometime of not paying any attention to it, or being inconsistent with it – I then go into this “I have to make up all of this and I will” character. Where I am then playing catch up – adding more to the day’s responsibility that I Have accumulated from the past, and always in a way then stuck in the past.

For instance – I am on day 100 of writing – and yet, I have only posted up to day 83.(I am still in the process of “catching up – as currently I am on day 115 for my self writings – and only now am placing this day 100) That’s 17 days I am behind in posting my blogs – and every day it’s the same thoughts, “today I will post at least 2 blogs” yet when it comes time to it, I only post one. And I had this desire to be “caught up” by day 100, so I could make this grand gesture/image presentation of being like, Here I am, day 100 and caught up on my blogs, and from here on out I will publish a blog everyday for the next 7 years, and I will be perfect, and everything is perfect. Yet again – this does not exist in my reality.

I have this tendency to create this grandeur experience in my mind wherein I will see myself as so amazing and perfect, and the play out will be perfectly precise – and every time, I fail myself. When in reality – the failure is the creation in the mind, and not simply living it in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself in the moment when I accept and allow back chats as excuses within my mind such as, “I do not have to write a blog today – I can do this later” – sabotaging myself from walking my process of self committing myself to actual, real physical change, in giving up to the illusion of my mind believing these thoughts are me and are valid in allowing them to direct and influence me in my physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through my inactiveness in taking responsibility for myself in each moment of facing and walking through and completing a responsibility I have such as writing my daily blog, allow thoughts and back chats and feelings of “I will do this later – and I will do more of this later to catch up on what I am not doing now” as a way to justify my inaction in making it ‘ok’ instead of realizing in that moment the dishonesty I am living in accepting excuses to be a back door for me to not face myself and change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the consequences of ‘playing catch up’ with my daily blogs, wherein I do not apply myself every day I am able to, to sit down, breathe and begin to write myself out for the day, taking self responsibility for the mind movements I participated in in distracted myself as entertaining myself with thoughts and feelings and emotions, instead of remaining here, stable with the physical to then be able to do more then I have currently allowed of myself, such as writing daily blogs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in creating an accumulation of having to post ‘back blogs’ exist within the back chat of, “this is ok, because TOMORROW – a projected moment of separation I create in not applying myself INT THAT MOMENT” as a way to justify my accepted reasoning for not facing myself in daily writing, and daily sharing of my blogs, actually WALKING the commitments I have wrote for myself for 100 days worth of blogs now – proving to myself that I am still not living the words I speak, as I allow myself to say I will write and post my blog daily, and yet do not do it when the moment arise and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create more untrust within myself in NOT living the commitments I have made – actually, physical doing the action of writing, and self forgiveness and placing/sharing the blog daily as I have told myself I would do in self commitment – realizing this is what is means to be THE LIVING WORD – and when I do not do this for myself and give into the ideas within my mind that justify whatever reason I give to myself, I am telling myself that I cannot trust myself, and that others cannot trust me and that I am not trustworthy, as I have not lived the words I speak

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to realize the simplicity of living the words I speak, in realizing that once the decision is made and the words are spoken/written, then all that is required is the self will to in the moment, stop, breathe and move myself to get it done – it’s really that fricken simple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the expectation of some grand experience within the journey to life blogs, wherein I believe that I will have this perfect alignment of day 100 with the catching up on the consequences I have created in allowing past blogs to accumulate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself in a separate, future reality wherein I have caught up on all the past blogs I have accumulated through my excuses to not post daily within my accepted and allowed resistances, and then within this future projection, feel good about myself for doing something I have not actually lived – thus proven once again to myself that the mind as thoughts and feelings cannot be trusted, as it pretends self is doing something of worthy when in reality self is deluding self into believing self ‘will’ – when it has not yet been proven to be real in real space and time, physical reality

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to prove to myself that I can trust myself, in trusting myself to in the moments of resistance, finally use as support and LIVE the realization the resistance is of support to slow myself down, breathe and push through to apply within the physical reality the living commitment statements I have made for myself within writing and sharing a blog daily

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this journey to life commitment of daily writing for 7 years is challenging every single cell of my accepted nature and that within the resistance, I always have a choice, to either accept ‘who I am’ as I have accepted myself to be throughout my life, or stop, breathe, apply the support I have to once and for all, give myself the gift of actually changing, putting in the physical labor, walking in real space and time, daily, with each blog, facing myself and forgiving myself in taking responsibility for myself and supporting myself to living practically physically changes to no longer accept the nature of myself that is of self interest

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to live physical changes in my physical reality, such as self investigative writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements and self commitments, DAILY, as a way to redesign myself as I have come to realize that who I have been throughout my life was also, moment by moment, day by day, imprinted, ingrained and programmed within me based on my environment in the first 7 years of my life – within this realizing this is where I learned ‘how to live’ and that it will take the same amount of time to ‘rewrite the script’ in which I follow as the mind directs each of my moments – I use the gift and opportunity I have as being a part of a group as the Desteni of Humanity – to take charge of deciding who I will be and decide for myself what my nature is, and no longer accept the programming and conditioning I was subject to as a child in how I learned to be a reactive robot that follows the map of the mind in preserving myself interest as fear of survival

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continue my self interest desire to portray myself in an image and likeness that others will like and accept within defining myself as 'special'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need others to see me in a certain way for me to 'be ok' in this reality

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within who I am here and the expression I have to share within believing I have to portray an image for others - proving that I am only playing a character, acting as a way to get certain feedback and reactions - thus not living unconditionally as who I am here in this moment, equal and one with all life

I commit myself to realizing the Journey to Life can be walked by anyone able to see changes are required in this world and realize the simple message of “be the change you want to see in this world”

I commit myself to stop all thoughts as directions for me in my day to day living that tell me what to do, when to do it as it is always based within self interest and the inherit lack of self will to live in actual, physical reality

I commit myself to slowing myself down, to really allow myself to breathe in each moment of resistance to writing, realizing that self honest investigation implies resistance, as I have designed myself in such a way to preserve the nature of myself as the mind, to protect my secrets, to validate the characters to keep this world existing the way it does, without question and without awareness

I commit myself to becoming aware of myself as the directive principle, stopping the consequences created while busy in the mind with thoughts and feelings and emotions and conflict and blame and anger and imagination and memories and future projections and wonder – I STOP, I breathe and I live in this physical reality, equal and one with this physical body with and as each breathe to support myself to learn how to trust myself in stopping the inner reality of self interest

I commit myself to get myself caught up with my Journey to Life blogs, so that I am able to thus walk in real space and time, real daily writing, and no more this past blogs accumulation as consequences of postponing and dishonoring myself in the moment of applying myself in/as the physical act of writing my blogs

I commit myself to stop excusing myself and justifying my inaction within walking and sharing my process

I commit myself to stop living as an image for others to accept and approve and thus validate me, I commit myself to validate myself here through changing my living to be proof that I care about life, that i consider life, that I honor life as I honor mySELF enough to change myself in taking care of myself as investigating myself

I commit myself to stop expecting some magical experience within my process and journey to life, and simply allow myself to be here, express, breathe and actually enjoy myself while on this journey, as I am actually becoming intimate with me, in getting to know me, and learning how to live in ways that best support me to be a human being that actually cares about life and willing and able to create a world that is best for all

I commit myself to never give up on myself – to always push myself through as I realize resistances become weaker and weaker the more I do not give in to them but to instead make the decision that is always best for all in applying the tools of desteni, in writing, self forgiveness, self corrective/commitment statements and sharing the process along the way so that others might be supported within their own process – as we are not islands, we are equally as one here and responsibility and thus facing our accepted nature as the consequences of this reality – and so I commit myself to give of myself as I would like to receive, to create true giving and receiving as equality in physical reality

Featured Artwork By: Anna Brix Thomsen