09 November 2012

Day 89 - Background Noise to Hide from Myself

So this point I want to bring up in what I am seeing myself develop again, in terms of ‘old behavior’.

I have been watching tv series before I go to bed, and I have created the habit of keeping the show on while I go to sleep. And the other night, I saw this dependency on doing this – instead of simply being able to be here, in the silence that is the breath and walking myself into rest/sleep.. I was afraid to do this. I wanted the tv on for the noise.. almost like I feared being alone, with myself, which is interesting because I am always alone, yet reveals fear of being with myself/facing myself.

I had this habit growing up. Where I did not like the silence, I wanted ‘background noise’ and I think the point is this fear of being alone, fear of the silence and thus using the tv or background noise as a safety sound to make myself feel safe and secure and ‘not alone’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of watching a tv series before I go to bed, and then leave it on while I fall asleep within the fear of being alone and the desire to 'have something' here with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and then depend on the noise of a tv series while I am going to sleep within the starting point of fear, fear of being alone, fear of being in silence, fear of being in the dark - not really in the dark as the lights being out - but the fear of the darkness within and as me, the silence of the breathe, without the distraction of the mind, simple alone within and as myself here in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of being alone and within this acceptance of this fear, use the noise of a tv series to 'get me through' into sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone, instead of allowing myself that I am always alone, meaning - I am always alone within and as myself, as who I am and how I live and thus always alone in that only I can become aware of who I am, what I accept and allow, what i create and thus what/how I live

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define being alone within the negative polarity charge as being something you do not want to be - and believing I require others to make me feel not alone, to assure myself that "I am ok" and thus using others for my own well being, instead of taking care of myself, and realizing that I cannot run away from myself, I am always here, and the truth of myself, that which I attempt to run away and hide from, is always here and will always be here until I direct it and sort it out within facing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the noise of a tv series as a distraction of the noise in my head - where thoughts and images and pictures and ideas are constantly possessing me to follow them, to get lost in them, to trust them, and instead of stopping and breathing and directing myself out of the mind and into reality, allow myself to run away from myself as my mind in using the tv to cover up the truth of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear of being alone and fear of facing myself as my mind, accept myself as inferior to it, as I am literally in-FEAR-ority(of it) wherein I don't want to see it, I want to run away from it and hide from it and ignore and deny it, while it is still here, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore myself as the mind in fear of it, instead of realizing that stopping the fear and facing it allows and supports me to direct it and change it, so I no longer have to judge or fear myself as the mind, but direct myself as the mind to support me in this life to become an expression of life that is best for all that is no longer controlled or consumed by the mind, which is actually me and thus realizing that equality is the only way, forgiveness is the only way, as I must stand equal to and one with who I am as my mind, in spite of how much I fear it, realizing it is fear of facing myself in the belief it's 'more then me' - it's actually me and thus I decide to and direct myself as my mind to purify who I am into and as a living expression of life within and as equality and oneness as what is best for all

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and define and being alone as 'not safe' and within this define not being alone/being with others as the polarity, as 'being safe' and 'being secure'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being alone as 'not being safe' within accepting the belief that when you are alone you are vulnerable and others will abuse me, instead of realizing that I am only abusing myself in accepting this belief and thus I delete from myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define being with others as 'being safe and secure' within believing that if I am not alone, and I have others around me - then that means I am safe, within believing that if something happens to me - 'they' will protect me, instead of realizing the only thing I have to fear is the fear I allow within and as me and thus I forgive myself that i Have accepted and alloed myself to fear fear, instead of realizing it is my creation and thus I commit myself to stop all fear within beliefs and acceptances of what this world is and who I am and who others are

When and as I see myself fearing being alone or fear of being silent or using something outside of myself as a way to accept and cover up the fear of being alone within and as myself - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that I am always alone, and thus I bring myself back HERE - back to the breathe, back to the silence and the darkness within me as who I really am to be able to once and for all stop running from myself and stand up within myself, facing myself, accepting myself and trusting myself to forgive myself for that which I have created and accepted to be 'who I am' as the nature of myself

I commit myself to stop all fear in me with breathing, self honesty and self forgiveness

I commit myself to face all the fears within me with daily writing and self forgiveness, to realize I am making it all up in my mind and is only able to influence me if I allow it

I commit myself to realize FEAR is not REAL

I commit myself to realize FEAR is always fear of self

I commit myself to stop fearing myself

I commit myself to stop fearing myself as my mind

I commit myself to facing myself as my mind

I commit myself to realize that in accepting fear I become in-FEAR-ior(of it) and thus powerless to stop and change it and so I commit myself to stand equal and face myself, realizing who I am as thoughts, feelings, emotions, images, pictures, memories, future projections, ideas, opinions, etc... is only who I have accepted myself to be and thus not who I really am, and so I take full responsibility for myself as who I have accepted myself to be and push myself to live who I am for real - which is life, here, equal and one with all here as life


Featured Artwork By: Jessica Arias

Other Journey to Life Blogs