13 October 2012

Day 80 Judgments, Fears and Math - Oh My!

Recently I sat down with a math instructor to go over some math material as review because I am unable to make it to the tutor training sessions during the week, as I am in class during those times. She gave me some “constructive criticism” – and said that, lol – specifically, to take a breath before I speak when working on problems – as she said I seemed to react to quickly to thinking I don’t know how to do something. And within this – I can see this is helpful and I can use as support for me, as I do think I am not effective enough in math to tutor another, or fear I will not know something when helping another student. So support coming from all areas of my life and can be applied in all areas as well... Stop, breathe and become aware of myself before proceeding with word or action. Do not live as a reaction, instead live in self honest, self awareness to realize all the self judgments are self created and thus useless to live effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when helping another student with math, to react when I come across something I don't remember or may have to consider a bit longer before solving, instead of stopping, breathing and not allow myself to go into the reaction of, "fuck - I don't know this, I suck at Math - I suck at life"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply the tools of breathing in each moment, to ensure that I am not reacting when faced with a point that is not completely clear within me at the moment, but instead react within myself with self judgments about myself as to why I cannot figure out a math problem, realizing this is not helping me to solve the problem, it is only perpetuating the accepted and allowed nature of "I don't know how to do this, I suck"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about how I do not know a math problem, instead of stopping and breathing and looking at it without any thoughts of self judgment, to try and find ways, from what I already know of the rules and principles of math, and to even ask for help, without shame or judgments of myself, to be assisted in solving the problem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an automatic reaction as who I am when in moments of facing math problems that I cannot solve in an instant, instead of allowing myself to breathe and see what it is I do know about the problem, and find ways I am able to solve it, without self judgments or reactions of "I don't know how to do this" as obviously this will not allow me to solve it, it will only keep me trapped in the idea that I don't know how

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as "not effective in tutoring math" when helping other students, instead of realizing I would have never been offered the position if I was not applying it well enough in class

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as "not good enough" within tutoring math, and thus fear being exposed as this when faced with a math problem I cannot solve in an instant, instead of stopping, and taking a breath, and not allow myself to go into anymore reactions, as I realize reactions is of the mind which is of separation of who I really am, as I am then defining myself according to beliefs and ideas about myself that are not real and thus limiting myself and what i am actually capable within myself and within this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other students thinking that I am not good enough with math to assist and support them within their understanding and application of math - instead of realizing this is a projection of myself unto them, wherein I have already defined myself as inferior and bad at math, and thus believe they will judge me as I judge myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self judgments within math unto another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define "being bad at math" with fear and thus I forgive yself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must be perfect within math, that i must know all the answers and never be challenged within my understanding and application of math, and thus when faced with such a point, judge myself for "not being perfect" instead of realizing it is a process of understanding and application and thus I allow myself to walk breath by breath, wlaking as patience as who I am in each moment, to allow myself to expand within my understanding of math, and not expect perfection, as I realize this is only a way to feed my ego of "I am awesome at math - revel in my glory"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use math as a way to define myself within my ego as being awesome and thus when this character is challenged, go into fear as protective/defensive mode, as I fear to lose this character and ultimately how others will see me, as I use to to be seen as great

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to be seen as 'great' by others with math

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic relationship within math, wherein I define myself as "good or bad" and within this causing friction within myself when I am at either end of the polarity, bad in desiring to be good again, and when good, fearing to lose the self image

When and as I see myself reacting to myself within facing a math problem I cannot solve in an instant, and thus fear losing the self image i Have created of being "good at math", I stop and I breathe and I clear myself from the reaction and look at the problem with the tools I already have within the understanding of math, and thus realize self judgments and fear will not support me to solve the problem, and thus I let go of the self judgments/self definitions and simply be here, in the physical, as the physical, as the breath, and apply the tools I have to solve the problem

When and as I see myself reacting to thoughts in my head about not being good enough to be a math tutor, I stop and I breathe, and I allow myself to realize in such moments that my thoughts are NOT REAL, and I am creating them, I am accepting and allowing them, and thus I stop the self abuse of such thoughts that keep me trapped and limited to definitions of myself that do not serve me in this life

When and as I see myself reacting to a math problem within the thoughts of, "fuck - I don't know how to do this" I stop and I breathe, and I bring myself back to awareness and out of the mind, and I proceed stable, here, and take on the challenge of the math problem, without expectations or ideas of myself

I commit myself to stopping the self abuse of self judgments that tell me I'm not good enough at math

I commit myself to stopping the self definitions of who I am within math - I commit myself to stop using math as a way to separate myself as others as being better then them because of my application of math

I commit myself to breathe in each moment to ensure I am not a reactive battery charging the ego of the mind that only fuels more thoughts of self judgments and self definitions that limit my within living here

I commit myself to not allow myself to exist as a reaction, but to always bring myself back to breath, back to what is real here, as this physical reality, equal and one with/as my physical body

I commit myself to stopping all thoughts, all feelings, all emotions, all reactions, all self definitions that are of self abuse, to myself and others, with daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective action - to stop myself from creating further self diminishment, and allow myself to stand and live

I commit myself to slowing down, with and as each breath, to be able to see who I am and what I am participating in within and as me, to ensure that I am not existing within reaction, but am here, constant, stable to ensure I am able to see/realize and thus live effectively in this world, to do what is necessary to be done, to stop all self abuse and to once and for all live without limitation


Featured Art by Kelly Posey