19 September 2012

Day 71 - Who am I without my Looks?


Recently I have been experiencing this point in relation to no longer placing emphasis on the way that I look, and more about 'who I am' in my day to day living. More specifically in looking at past relationships, I see how I existed on autopilot where I was in no way concerned about who I am as a living being, but only cared about the presentation of myself, the way that I looked, physically... the shape of my body, the structure of my face, the way my hair looks, and I wondered what is it that kept the relationships in my life... What I realize is that I fear it’s been just my looks that have attracted relationships to me and behind that, I have nothing to offer. That is what I have counted on and depended on and only cared about as a way to ‘get through’ life.



Looking deeper within this - my fear is that I am unable to be effective in communication and relations with others, that i Have nothing to offer, that all I have valued is the way that I look to 'get what I want' aka acceptance from others and so without the value on my appearance - what is left?



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as who I am on the way that I physically look - the shape of my body, the structure of my face, the way my hair looks - defining myself as these physical attributes as 'who I am' within this world within wanting to be accepted by societies definition of acceptable - beautiful



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the desire to be accepted by society based on the image of beauty - strive to perfect my physical look as to match the image society says is 'good' and thus pay no attention to the inner being that reveals the truth of who I really am, and only value the outer picture in which I can present and play any character that will fulfill my self interest of being accepted and superior to others



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within attempting to perfect the picture of myself as societies definition of beauty, ignore the real me that is revealed to me in the thoughts I Have and the reactions I exist within and as - wherein the truth of the inner does not match the picture of the outer and so in attempt to hide the ugly, desire to exist as the polarity - beautiful



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within the self interest desire to be accepted by others through the way that I look, fail to develop myself as a real human being, one that is here present in every moment, perfected principled living wherein all life is considered equal and one and no polarity exist, no good/bad, ugly/beautiful... only life here in/as the physical



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to through my seeking to be seen as the perfect picture that is acceptable to others within society - fear that without the perfect presentation that others will define as beautiful, I will have nothing to offer anyone and others will no longer want to be with me/around me



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself so much within my physical appearance, that without it I fear I am no one and nothing - revealing here the desire to be something special, within a world where many suffer, I desire to be special, revealing the self interest that traps and blinds myself from the reality of this world as the truth of who we are with an illusion as a pretty picture



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without a pretty face - I will no longer be liked and accepted by others



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within 'who I am' as a living expression of myself within every breath, that in turn I have depended on the outer picture of myself that i Have been told is beautiful as my ticket to the safety cell that is the prison called living in this world



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence based on the way that I look, so much so that I fear not having 'good looks' as I believe without it, I will be nothing and no one will like me



I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the point I am exposing here in self forgiveness, as if I have to be ashamed, instead of realizing this is the nature in which I have created myself to be in a world where survival of self is pursued above anything else and so my desire to find ways to 'fit in' and 'be accepted' is what has been taught unto me, and so I stop the shame and face the reality of myself and stop myself from continuing to exist where looks are more valuable then life



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself fear the only reason I have had relationships in the past was because of the way that I looked, and within this fear being used for the way that I look and so within this I forgive myself that i Have accepeted and allowed myself to use myself for the way that I look, to get what I desire, what i want, what I fear not having



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will never have a relationship in my life because I am no longer placing emphasis on the way that I look and instead am investigating the self as 'who I am' as a living expression and so fear no one will be 'attracted' to me



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of not having a relationship with another separate and outside of myself instead of realizing the only relationship I am required to have is the one with myself and the search and desire for a relationship with another is actually the search and desire for a relationship with myself



I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having anything to offer another without the value I have placed on my looks, instead of realizing that i have not yet offered anything to myself, as I have been busy my whole life attempting to please others for them to accept and like me that i Have not considered giving to myself that which I desire from others



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am nothing without a pretty face



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am nothing without perfect hair



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am nothing without a 'sexy' body



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to place so much emphasis on the outer picture of myself because I was deliberately attempting to hide from myself, the real me that is here within and as every thought, every emotion, every feeling, every reaction, every memory, every judgment, every opinion, every belief, every single experience that i Have as 'who I am' in this life is the truth of me and behind the veil is the starting point in which I have created all of it - out of fear of survival. Survival in being protected, safe, cared for, accepted and a 'place' within the group called humanity



I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe looks will get me through life and that if I look good enough to others, I will be safe and secure in this world



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my looks is that which defines who I am, instead of realizing it is in the living action I take every day, and the breath by breath acceptance and allowance within and as myself that reveals the true nature of myself and so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as who I am as the expression of myself to be that of only my looks - a picture



When and as I see myself going into judgments of myself based on the way that I look - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the awareness that 'who I am' is NOT defined by the picture of myself, but who I am within and without as the way that I live in each moment of breath, what I accept and allow within and without, in myself and in this world - that is what defines who I am, the whole of me as who I am here



When and as I see myself going into fear of not being 'good enough' within this world without a pretty face and a nice body - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that to define myself according to the way I physically look, limits the expression of who I am and thus I stop striving to be a picture that society defines as perfect and walk the process of perfecting myself as life as that which lives in every moment of every breath ensuring only that which is best for all is here and ever created



I commit myself to stop living to be a picture and start living to be a real human being that cares for myself as all life equal and one



I commit myself to stop supporting the ugly/beauty polarity within this world that separates life from life through defining some as more then others based on the physical appearance



I commit myself to value me as life here as equal and one with all life as me here, with each and as each breath I take



I commit myself to stopping the programmed nature in which I have accepted and allowed of myself wherein I play the character in the game of life - I stop the script and rescript myself to be that of life, that which is best for all, that which is equality and oneness



I commit myself to walking the Journey to Life - the 7 Year process to nothingness - removing all patterns and programs from the flesh of me and start over from nothing within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application - ensure that I remove all that which has been passed onto to me from generations before as the sins of the fathers that define life to be fear of survival, and recreate myself to be that which is best for all life - considering myself and life that is here for real as this physical reality within and as equality and oneness and to give unto others as I would like to receive