02 September 2012

Day 66 - The Lie of "Caring What Others Think" and Committing myself to LIFE

There is resistance to place a blog – because I feel these points are ‘too personal’ and don’t want to expose them to others. Don’t want others to see. I realize it’s me I don’t want to see – and it’s me not wanting to expose myself to myself and so trying to protect the image I created

No – because there is still judgments towards myself for the things I exists within myself in my mind

I don’t want to share it because I am ashamed of it – which obviously indicates self dishonesty. As why would I be ashamed of my inner reality if there wasn’t something that I was hiding, keeping secret, using and abusing others within – if my inner reality reflected that which is best for all – equality and oneness, and common sense practical reality insights – then there would be nothing to hide. Yet there exists still reactions and judgments and back chats about other people and blame and I am ashamed for still having these points. Yet I realize – that to be ashamed of myself or in judgment of myself – does not give me a solution – it only compounds and amplifies the experience I already hold. Because the reactions are about me – yet painted as the picture of another, as a way to abdicate self responsibility. So if I were to see it’s all about me, and not fear others knowing what I am actually experiencing, then it wouldn’t matter – because it would be me – not about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold judgments towards myself for how I exist within myself as the mind, as my thoughts and my feelings and my emotions and my reactions and my perceptions and my beliefs and my ideas and what I Have come to accept as ‘who I am’ as the inner reality of myself – to be ashamed of this ‘me’ and allow resistance to exposing it within blogs direct me. Instead of realizing that within this – I am fearing to a)expose it to myself and b) still giving value to how others see/perceive me – when it does not matter, as that is something I cannot control. I am only able to see who I am here, and have only the power to change myself here. Anything outside of myself , such as how others see me/think of me, is not my responsibility and thus only revealing to me that I am still holding judgments against myself as I see I am projecting these judgments onto others by fearing they are judging me.. LOL – what a fuck up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for who I am and yet blame others for judging me through the fear of beliving they will, instead of taking responsibility for all the inner workings of myself wherein I think/believe/perceive that others will judge me for what I share about the nature of myself and the process I am walking to purify myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, back chats, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, memories, through being ashamed of myself as the inner reality I have created –wherein I do not want to take responsibility and instead want to blame others for who they are in stead of revealing to myself who I am and realizing I am equal and one to the ‘outer’ I so conveniently blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound the experience of shame within myself to/towards myself for who I am within myself, as the mind, as all the inner activities of myself, such as thinking thoughts and following memories and participating in reactions and emotions and feelings as energy that drain my physical body, by not taking responsibility for myself with writing, as resisting the process of writing daily and thus accumulate more guilt and shame for not doing that which I know, and have realized for myself, work and is the solution to stopping the inner mess we exist as and so instead of applying the tools I know change me into a being that actually care and is actually here, actually life, allow myself to suppress myself, suppress my experience with not writing and only ignorning it until it becomes a point I can no longer avoid, deny, and this usually is the most painful path

And so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary conflict within myself by not writing daily, not exposing me to me daily, and then resist the sharing of myself with others that might find support, as I realize it must be done and still I attempt to deny the reality of myself by not writing, and resisting blogging and so create a point of such conflict that I have to stand up, yet I created the circumstances without having to – as I realize I could have just made the decision to ‘do it’ and ‘get it done’

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not yet absolutely stand equal and one with myself as the mind, as the internal reality that I have up till now existed within and as, through not facing who I am in my day to day living with writing, and thus project this resitance onto others through blaming them for beliving they will judge me as the reason that ‘I cannot’ share – instead of realizing the limitation I am placing onto myself as I am then allowing myself to be dependent upon others, needing their approval for me to express and share and thus limiting me as my expression of myself AS life – instead of standing up and LIVING without worry or concern about what others think, as I must now realize it’s not ‘them’ – it is ME that is judging me

I commit myself to realize that it’s me judging me, not ‘others’ judging ‘me’ and thus commit myself to STOP all judgments of myself and face myself with daily writing, as I have been and to continue to face myself without fear of what I will find, as I realize I will never be able to change myself until I see/face myself and as such, will never be able to change this world, until I can first change myself and thus I commit myself to BE the change I want to be(see) in this world, practically, physically, moment by moment, breath by breath

I commit myself to stopping all resistances to blogging as I see the resistance is fear and the fear is self interest, as I am seeking to make sure I am ‘safe’ and ‘secure’ in the eyes of others, where others will ‘approve’ of me – instead of approving of myself and changing myself in ways that I can live out loud and without shame – which is living within the consideration of what is best for all life, in all ways, with/as/in equality and oneness

I commit myself to stop the accumulation of shame and guilt within myself with not writing/blogging daily as the act of suppression, as ignoring myself here and instead turn and face myself in every moment of breath, and in every day with writing. Being brutally self honest with myself with what exists within me, as all thoughts, all emotions, all feelings, all reactions, all beliefs, all perceptions, all ideas, and remove that which is in separation of me as life

I commit myself to walking the process of the Journey to Life – to writing myself to freedom, to self honesty, to self forgiveness, to self corrective application, to always be me as life as the breath so that I am a being that is here living out loud without shame of who I am and thus equalize my inner reality to be that which is best for all, realizing within this, no dishonesty can exist

I commit myself to stopping and removing all dishonesties that keep me trapped in fear of being exposed and I expose myself to myself. I face myself as the maker of myself and ensure that every moment of judgment day, I will be able to stand in the face of who I am and existence, and have no guilt, or shame.

I commit myself to stopping all self judgments – as I realize this is self sabotage to stop me from facing/changing myself and thus stand equal to me as who I have created myself to be, and push myself to do this until it is something I no longer have to push myself to do, and becomes a living reality of purifying myself to no longer be ashamed of who I am within myself and live as the expression of myself as who I really am, as Life.