12 August 2012

Day 61 - Reactions to not getting what the "Helpful Character" Wants

Tonight while I was getting the dishes ready to be washed – I saw myself ‘snap’ another with quite an attitude. My whole physical body moved, my head and my body – and I was quite reactive to them. They said to me, “those dishes need to be put away” and within this I reacted, because I felt like they were saying something to me I already knew and that they could put them away themselves instead of ‘demanding’ it of me. Right after – I saw this reaction, and saw it was not cool. There is no reason to speak to another in that way, and only shows how I was reacting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to react to another when they said the dishes needed to be put away because I was already getting the dishes ready to be washed and felt they did not recognize this and instead gave me more to do besides what I had already taken upon myself to do

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to do the dishes within the desire or attention and energy from others as ‘being helpful’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the dishes within the starting point of self interest – where I want to be seen as helpful and for others to appreciate me and what I do, instead of doing it unconditionally as a way to support the group here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the dishes in expectation of a reward as positive reactions from others as ‘being helpful’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am helpful, like doing the dishes, then others will like me and appreciate me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for others to like and appreciate me, I have to be helpful, like doing the dishes, instead of doing them unconditionally without needing a reward in return, as I realize this is already what exists within our world where we do things in expecting something in return and thus proving self interest reign and no unconditional acts actually exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet like and appreciate myself within seeing how I require this from others and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to realize that I do not need others to like or appreciate me – as I can do this for myself and thus I forgive myself that I Have not yet allowed myself to unconditionally like and appreciate myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another when they said, ‘those dishes need to be put away’, by telling them instead of ordering me around, they could put them away themselves, and within this judge them as being lazy and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge another as lazy for not putting the dishes away themselves and instead telling me to put them away

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to react to another saying, “those dishes need to be put away’ because this was not the reaction/words I was looking for, I was looking for positive feedback and affirmations of me being helpful, within self interest seeking self validation for my desire to feel good about myself from how others perceive me – and instead of seeing this within and as my breath, and thus stopping myself from reacting and seeing the starting point I was existing within, react to them for not giving or saying to me what I wanted them to say, which was validation for my self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the “being helpful” character, wherein I will take on the role of ‘doing the duties’ that need to be done, such as doing everyone’s dishes, in hopes of being seen as ‘good’ and ‘helpful’ revealing this character's true nature of self interest, and not actually acting in any way as unconditional, yet only seeking my own validation for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flourish in moments of others needing my help, wherein I ‘step up’ and ‘take the lead’ as if to be savior of the situation where I get energy from helping out as I believe I am then being seen in a positive light to others, where I am ‘helpful’ and thus others appreciate me

When and as I see myself stepping into the character of “being helpful” – I stop and I breathe, and do not allow myself to act in ways from self interest, wherein I desire feedback that will make me feel good, yet see in the moment what is required to be done, and get it done, like doing the dishes, and not use a physical practical point such as it to serve my own self interest to be seen as ‘helpful’

I commit myself to stop all characters in and of and as myself wherein i 'act out' roles in which I change myself depending on the situation or environment and instead commit myself to remain here, stable, breathing, constant, the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow

I commit myself to writing everyday in revealing to myself the masks I wear as the characters I play and in this stopping myself through exposing myself the lie I have lived and instead bring myself back to the real me, the physical me, the life that is me breathing

I commit myself to no longer seek self interested validation from others and instead give to myself and live as myself what I desire and wish or beleive I will get from another

I commit myself to stop all starting points within myself that do not spring forth from equality and oneness as what is best for all as unconditionally living, giving what I would like to receive


Art featured by: Joe Kou http://www.facebook.com/joekou