03 July 2012

2012: DIP into Commitments and the desire to Give Up

Writing:
Recently I have been experiencing the desire/want to give up. I have taken a lot of responsibilities on within my world and within myself – and while I was supporting myself to be effective in each application of ‘getting things done’ – I found myself getting behind and feeling like ‘it’s too much’ I just want to give up. Now this was not an overwhelming experience – yet I saw the point arise within myself as my back chat of, “this is just too much, I want to give up” and within this the thoughts about leaving town for a ‘break’ and wanting to change the responsibilities I have taken on so that I do not have ‘so much’ to do. I did not necessarily allow this to direct me within actually physical changing anything – yet the experience was still there and within that allowed it to direct me within ‘slowing’ down my wiliness to do the things necessary to be done. So putting them off and really having to force myself through them with the most excruciating pain I could self create.

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am unable to work through my day effectively and consistently in taking responsibility for each task and each point in my life that I Have committed to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is too many responsibilities that I Have taken on and that I am unable to work with them all effectively and consistently

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the experience of the mind of ‘it’s too much stuff’ to direct me within myself to end up within the experience of wanting to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the responsibilities I have committed to are more than me and thus feel inferior to them and then desire to give up on them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all the responsibilities I Have taken on within myself and my world are of support for me in walking a process of self change – to support myself internally and externally to be here in living effectively to create a real change in this world that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is too much stuff for me to do each day instead of realizing the solution is to manage myself and my time effectively and with common sense to ensure I am able to get to all points that I am responsible for in each day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the experience of wanting to give up through validating it with future projections of taken a vacation as a way to escape my responsibilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my responsibilities as too much for me to handle instead of realizing all I have to do is change myself within each point of responsibility to be able to take on and direct myself within each point to move it effectively where I am satisfied with each point, and as I accumulate each point of getting things done in my day – I am being responsible for moving myself and making the decision to walk through each point in my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the back chat of “It’s too much – I want to give up” within believing that I am not able to work through all my responsibilities each day as I realize the solution is to give some time each day to each responsibility and through this accumulate completion of each responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my responsibilities are greater than me and within this believe I have to stop some of my responsibility/participation instead of realizing the solution is to change me within all the responsibilities I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the responsibilities within my world as ‘too much stuff to do’ – instead of seeing the practicality of each point that is here to support me within and without

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as unable to effectively move myself within the decision to take responsibility for each point in my life I have committed too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced within the desire to give up through allowing depression to slow me down within each task I take on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced within the desire to give up through allowing resistance to exist within and as me as I have defined the responsibilities within my world to be ‘too much’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the desire to give up is within the mind as thoughts and ideas about who I am and my responsibilities in this world and thus are not real and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in make –believe mind thoughts that are not even real to determine and dictate my experience within myself and my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can actually give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone the completion of responsibilities because of the idea that I can give up on them and myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for my limitation within believing I can give up on myself and validate the experience with thoughts and projections of giving up and ‘taking a break’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prolong the completion of my responsibilities within allowing the desire to give up slow me down in accepting it as real and thus putting of the inevitable of having to complete that which I have committed to – realizing I cannot give up – there is no giving up – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary experiences of conflict and resistance within myself towards responsibilities within myself and my world – instead of removing all the ideas – breathing here to support myself to move effectively in each moment to ensure I am completing all responsibilities in a timely manner – as I realize this is possible

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create an uncomfortable experience of resistance within me wherein I slow my participation within engaging all responsibilities I have committed to each day through defining them as ‘more than me’ and greater than me and impossible to complete

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself defining responsibilities I have committed to within myself and my world – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the reality of myself that is real as the physical with breath within the realization that I am here – and I am able to direct myself within each point without judgments or ideas about what must be done and so I stop defining that which I am responsible for in each of my days and simply breathe here and move and walk through each point of responsibility I have

When and as I see myself allowing back chat of giving up on my responsibilities – I stop and I breathe within seeing this as a redflag that I am in my mind and not here actually living as I realize if I were here breathing , living with/as the physical – I would be directing myself through each point of responsibilities effectively and with common sense

When and as I see myself going into my mind of future projections of taking a vacation – within desiring to give up on my responsibilities – I stop and I breath and I bring myself back to reality that is real within’/as the physical and realize that this is being allowed by me through my defining myself as incapable of completing and taking responsibilitiles for all the commitments I have made within myself and my reality and thus I stop myself from feeding this point of desire to give up and realize I cannot – and thus I push myself to remain here, breathing, living, moving, self directing to take on all points I am responsible for

When and as I see myself accepting resistance towards my responsibilities within my world, through thoughts, back chats, feelings, emotions, memories, future projections – I stop and I breath and I bring myself back within the physical reality to support myself within moving breath by breath to take on each responsibility as each breath – one at a time.

When and as I see myself allowing the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, memories, pictures, images, future projections to direct me within the experience of myself – I STOP and I breath – realizing the participation within the Mind is NOT REAL, and thus I give myself back self directive will/principle to decide for me who I am and how I will live and how I will move and no longer allowing myself to be a slave to the mind’s direction


REDEFINING THE WORD: Commitments

1. Gathering information:

a. Establishing self’s allocation point – Currently I have living this commitment within the starting point of ‘things I HAVE to do’ so already within the living of this word there is a resistance, that it’s something outside of myself that I Have to ‘take on’ and I am ‘committed to’ – meaning I have no choice – I have to do something. So almost like a forced feeling.

b. Dictionary Definition –
Commitments:
noun
1.the act of committing.
2.the state of being committed.
3.the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.
4.a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitmentto pay our bills on time.
5.engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment toreligion.
.



b. Sounding the word : Commitment – commit me – coming to me – con me men – come it me – containment – come it end

2. Investigate the information of the word that has been gathered

Does the definition within the different aspects that you have gathered as information of the word, carry a polarity charge (is it made ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’)?


• Your own personal experience with this word
From the 1st part of redefining to word ‘commitments’ – I can see there is a separation of myself from the word through defining it as ‘something out there’ I HAVE to do – and also within this then an acceptance of resistance to it as it is something I do not have a choice about – I must do it. So within this – a negative experience of being forced to do something that I have no experience about. There is fear also – in not living ‘up to’ commitments that I make, like I will always fail and thus be seen as inferior or useless. Within the sounding the word part section – I can see how within how I ‘hear’ the word is within/as being contained to something – so feeling restricted within living the word commitment – where I experience myself as committing myself to something I might not necessarily want to do – or even more to the point of: the belief that I am no longer free when I make commitments as within the word I have defined it as something forced upon me wherein I have no choice about it – I have to do it.

• How you have interpreted the word as ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’
-Negative/bad – as I can see I have defined it as something ‘outside of myself’ that I either force upon myself or others have forced upon me and so an overall experience of fear and resistance to living the word as me because I have defined commitment as being within a containment, where I am contained within my commitments and I have no way out.

• What associations do you have with the word? The word responsibility is connected to the word commitment – as a commitment is, how I have currently defined it, to be that which I am responsible for. Also fear of not being able to be responsible for the commitments, and also resistance due to the definition of being contained and forced into something that I might have a choice about. There is a feeling of ‘eternity’ within the commitment, in relation to how I associate it within relationships. When you are engaging with another in a relationship/agreement and there is a commitment – a lot of fear comes up in how I have lived this world: being trapped forever and ever and there is no way out and so within this wanting to ‘break free’ in not experiencing this word commitment. (as how I have defined it)

• Do you feel better or worse when you are using or experiencing this word? On one hand – better as I will ‘feel better about myself’ when I am ‘commited to somethig’ and I keep myself responsible for that commitment – so like a way to validate myself as being worthy or ‘good’. On the other hand, and the overall experience of the word commitment – is I feel worse, and it’s like this thing that hangs over my head that I am absolutely responsible for and thus fear of not keeping the commitment and failing within my commitments and also the sense of ‘I have to do this, I have no choice, it is my commitment’ and so within this the acceptance of resistance as how I have defined the word.

Self Forgiveness on the word
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word commitments through defining it within my mind as something outside of myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word commitments through defining it within my mind as something that hangs over my head

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word commitments through defining it within my mind as something I do not have a choice within

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word commitments through defining it within my mind as something that is forced upon me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word commitments through my definition of it being something I have to do and forced upon me, create an energetic experience of resistance to it, as a way to ‘break free’ from the experience I have created within the definition of the word

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word commitments through defining it within my mind as being connected to responsibility and within this fear of failing my commitments/responsibilities and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing my commitments/responsibilities and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define the word commitment with fear and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the word commitment as an energetic experience of fear and resistance

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define the word commitment as a negative charge through defining it as being something forced upon me and have no choice within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a choice within my commitments

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed and accepted myself to realize that who I am within what I commit to is the choice I have to make

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word commitment in separation of myself here through connecting it within my mind to relationships/agreements

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowing myself to define the word commitment in separation of me here through the mind in accepting it as something that I Have to do and have no choice within and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards living the word as me through accepting it as something outside of me that is forced upon me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define the word commitments within separation of me here through defining it within my mind to have a positive charge wherein I seek validation and acceptance from others for having commitments that I live up to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the word commitments as a living statement of having no self acceptance or self worth and seek it through living the word outside of me for others to see me as being worthy and doing something good through having commitments

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the word commitments as a way to define myself in separation of myself here

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define the word commitment in separation of me here within my mind as being trapped within forever and so within this I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create and build a resistance and energetic experience of fear to the word commitment through accepting it as something I am trapped within forever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that commitments, as the word, is not something outside of me – but is here as me in who/how I decide to live as the living statement of myself as the living word


I delete these definitions and stand clear within and as the word commitments– removing the polarity of negative and positive charge and allow the word to be innocent without memories or beliefs or ideas within it that do not support me or what is best for all

3. New definition

Writing the definition: Commitment – no longer something forced upon me wherein I have no choice within it – but as a living decision made to become responsible for myself and my world, in all it’s parts. Commitment is to be engaged and dedicated within living the word as being responsible for myself and my world, in all its parts. Commitment is a decision made by self and lived by self, within the consideration of what self is able to do and is practical to get done, always within the consideration of who I am in each breath as self honesty.


4. Checking the definition

a. Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?
Answer: no

b. Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?
Answer: yes
c. Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?
Answer: yes