16 June 2012

Day 43: Pretending "I'm Calm"

Tonight I reacted to seeing another had seen some of my videos on youtube. Here self forgiveness for the experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the idea of another seeing my videos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as fear to the idea of another seeing my videos, yet present an image of myself as calm and not worrying about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another was seeing my videos and judging me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within my videos and project them unto another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another seeing my videos and laughing at me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine and picture in my mind another watching my vids at a friends house and them laughing at me

I delete this image within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being laughed at for my videos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to defend and protect my ego within my vids where I justify why I make vids for the reactions of fear I had within myself when another saw them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into thoughts as wondering who else has seen my vids when I saw someone had seen my vids

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can separate my life within the process I walk and my life of the past, as those who I have known and currently know and thus fear being seen within my vids and as the process I walk, instead of realizing this is ego attempting to protect the self definitions I have created and accepted within myself about ‘who I am’, instead of realizing that this is why I make videos and walk this process of change, to rid myself of the self definitions of the mInd that fear how others see me and that presents myself as a false image of who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen in my vids because I fear others laughing at me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being laughed at by others as not being accepted by them, instead of realizing that I do no require to be accepted by others, as I am here as all as one as equal and thus the only acceptance that is required is for me to accept myself here as life

I forgive myself that I havent yet allowed myself to realize that if I accepted myself here as who I am as life, I would not require and desire and fear the acceptance of others or the lack thereof, as I would accept me

I forgive myself that I Have not accepted and allowing myself to accept myself unconditionally for who I am here, as who I have created myself to be as the ego within realizing this is how I will be able to change me, to see me, accept me and direct my into changing who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on how others see me within my vids – instead of valuing me as who I am here as life and thus who I am as the self expression within my videos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self value through defining others perceptions of me as more valuable then who I am here and how I live as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present myself as calm and cool when asked about my youtube channel, as a way to protect the reactions I had within myself, in fear of exposing this fear I was experiencing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to present a false presentation of myself as being ‘cool’ with others seeing my vids, when I in fact was not cool as within myself I reacted and allowed back chat to exist within me, realizing that I was not cool because I realize if I was ‘cool’, there would be no reaction and no thoughts about the experience, I would simply be here breathing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to present myself different then how I actually am experiencing myself, in fear of being judged or fear of being self honest about how I experience myself within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the reactions within myself as fear of others seeing my vids, instead of being self honest in the moment and not presenting myself as ‘cool’ with it, but bring myself back to breath and not allow thoughts to run amok in my mind within thoughts and ideas and fears about others seeing my vid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself into 2 beings, one where I present myself in ways that I believe others will find acceptable and I will not be judged, and the other within myself as usually the opposite of how I present myself thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within who I am in moments where I react, instead of standing equal within the acceptance of ‘this is who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become’ yet I realize this is not eternal and I am able to change, thus self honesty to see what I am allowing and to change in the moment to no longer accept and allow it as I can see clearly it is within separation and self definitions that do not support life, as I separate myself from others as me through fears and anxiety, attempting to protect the ego of the mind where I have believed myself to be

When and as I see myself presenting myself to others and myself different from how I am actually experiencing myself within myself, I stop and I breath and do not allow myself to suppress the experience within myself, but instead breathe and see what it is I am allowing within the self definitions I am attempting to protect thus supporting myself to correct myself with writing and self forgiveness

When and as I see myself going into thoughts of wonder and ideas about who is seeing my vids, I stop and I breathe realizing I am separating myself within valuing others more then valuing me here as life and thus I breath to value myself as life, equal and one

I commit myself to stop the ego of the mind as self definitions that attempt to protect and defend itself through writing, self honesty, breathing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, taking self responsibility for who I am in each moment

I commit myself to stop the false self I present to others that is different from who I am within my mind and instead live within equal and one alignment, within and without that is best for all

I commit myself to realize that anything within myself and my mind that I fear to expose to myself or others is because of self dishonesty, and thus I commit myself to push myself to become self honest within who I am within myself and who I am within this reality, so that I am equal and one within and without, the same, being a being that lives within the principle of what is best for all, equality oneness