08 June 2012

Day 38 - Split Myself into Two

Seems I did not save the last words I wrote – which were about a comment on youtbe that I reacted to.

This person was speaking about how she was experiencing herself within addiction, and then suggesting ways she will support herself within this.

I reacted to her words, I that I did not trust her. I thought she was actually playing with me – making fun of me and did not actually mean what she was saying.

So taking this back to myself – I can see I don’t trust myself. Because what I projected onto her was that, secretly she had other intentions. She was sneaking something within her self that she was not showing me and just presenting something else to me, in a deicitful way. I can see how throughout my whole life, I have done this. I have always existed within this secret reality of my mind where my experience ‘in here’/within myself has been totally different from what I present to the rest of the world. – And the fear of being exposed as such has been quite an influence in my life. Always ‘watching my back’ – so to speak. Like fear that I will be exposed as the faker I am and obviously now projecting this onto others.

Like when I talk to someone, I present myself as interested, when internally I am not.

This is a prime reason why we must stop our participation within the Mind. Because it is an alternate reality within ourselves where we can lie and cheat and attempt to cover our ass for not actually living in self honesty. So – within this whole point – fear of another expressing in ways to me that I have done throughout my whole Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto another through fearing they are presenting to me a false presentation where within their minds they have other motives and intentions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself onto another through believing they are hiding parts of themselves within themselves and are actually attempting to hurt or harm me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt and harm myself through separating myself from life through my participation in a separate reality ithin my mind, where I can hide and scheme and exists separately from how I present myself to the rest of the world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust others within how they present themselves to me because I have allowed this as who I am and thus fear others are the same as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self trust through living in such a way where I present myself different then how I actually experience myself within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within myself as another being who does not actually come out in the real reality, and only present what I believe to be safe, how I believe I must behave and thus fear others do this to me as well

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never question this internal reality within myself as my mind where I have always existed as a separate being different from what I present to others and thus creating a conflict/friction within myself by accepting myself as 2 separate beings – one as the internal mind being and one as this physical reality being

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am able to align this 2 beings – my being that I have separated myself into 2 parts as the internal mind being and this physical reality being into/as equality and oneness, where I align myself within/as this physical reality to be one being here for real, living self honesty and what is best for all in each moment as the breath of life and no longer accepting myself to hide within myself as the mind, fearing myself, or fearing life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within my mind separate form this reality of/as equality and oneness in fearing life – fearing to actually live, fearing myself and who I am within/as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believing the internal reality within myself as the mind is real and the physical reality in the illusion – where I feed the value I have given to my mind reality as my participation within it – instead of realizing the physical reality in the real reality where I require to be – and so I commit myself to stop the internal mind as the separate reality I have split/separated myself into/as and get back to life as this physical reality as the only reality that matters and take back directive principle of myself to live in ways that are best for all as I realize within this – there can exist no fear of self, no hiding of self, no shame of self, as self then is here as all as one as equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never investigate who I am within myself as the mind and actually question the existence of myself here – as I realize this is the only way I am able to change the ‘who I am’ as the ‘how I live’ into an expression that is best for all

When and as I see myself projecting myself onto others through defining them as ‘being/doing/expressing’ through assuming to know who/how they are – I always bring it back to myself – to be self responsible for who I am as I realize all parts of myself are mirrored to me in every moment as this reality – people, places, things, life, all things here are me and thus I stop projecting myself onto others and see what it is they are showing me about me within this realizing change is possible as I am taking self responsibility for me here

When and as I see myself presenting myself as something different then how I experience myself – I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to self honesty within directing myself through the internal experience to see what it is I am allowing as ‘who I am’ and ‘how I live’

When and as I see myself participating within my mind as the separate reality and splitting myself into the me as the mind – I stop and I breathe realizing the breath as the physical body is who I am for real and thus I stop the mind participation as I see/realize/understand the being as me as the mind is hiding and fearing life – to live out loud – and so I stop my fear of life and live with/as each breath of life

When and as I see myself existing in the separate reality of the mind – I stop and I breath and bring myself back to the one reality that is real – the physical and thus take responsibility for what I am allowing within/as myself as who I am within/as this life

I commit myself to investigating the ‘who I am’ within the mind within realizing this is what I am allowing myself to keep me from living and thus I commit myself to stop fearing life and dare to live out loud – here as every breath – and stop the internal reality that is only real for me

I commit myself to stop all projections of myself onto others through assuming who they are or what they are doing/experiencing themselves as – I take it back to me within commiting myself to see all parts of myself mirrored to me as all people in this reality – me showing me to me what I am accepting and allowing

I commit myself to stop the separate reality within myself and align it to the physical reality which is real – which is best for all as it is within/as equality and oneness thus I commit myself to stopping the separation I have allowed through accepting my internal reality to be separate form my external reality and align both to be what is best for all – which is through writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, corrective application