04 June 2012

Day 35 - Insanity Justified as Love

Throughout the relationships I have had within my life – there is one point that always emerged with the feelings of Love: Fear.

“What is he doing right now? Who is he talking to? Is he ignoring me? Is he interested in someone else? I gotta find out what he’s doing.. I gotta protect myself. I know he’s up to no good. What if he’s cheating on me. How could he hurt me? Can I trust him? I have to look through his phone to find out what he’s up to. I will die if I find out theres someone else. But I gotta find out. I know there is someone else. Does he think she’s prettier then me? How can I make myself more then her so that he will only look at me? Why is he talking to her? Is there something going on between them? I have to find a way to be better for him… to keep him away from others. I don’t trust her… why is she talking to him? He’s mine!”

This is just a short script pulled from the Mind of Humans. I know I am not the only one. These back chats existed in all my relationships and it was always justified as LOVE… what does that say about love? “I love him so much I’m afraid to lose his love”. Is this real love? How could it be? Isn’t is actually fear? Doesn’t is create fear? Isn’t it based on ownership and possession? Why do we have to find love in another? Isn’t love here as me? Why am I looking for it outside of myself and why do I fear losing it once I believe I have found it in another? This love breads competition and comparisons, self judgments and judgments of others. Life separating itself from life through the Mind as thoughts that attack and fear and conspire and seek ways to come out on top – to be the winner, justifying all thoughts words and deeds in the name of Love.

What bullshit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept jealousy within myself in the name of love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe with love comes jealousy and that it just the way we are as humans and I have to just accept this of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within fear when I claim to have love – fear of losing this love I have apparently found and fear of another getting the love I apparently have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept feelings of insecurities and self judgment where I then compare myself to others as needing to be more so that I can keep the love I have found in fear of losing it through not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change myself in order to keep this love I have found in another – fearing and believing they hold within their hands my existence and without them or the feelings of love, I will die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed and obsessed within the feelings of love and define the object of my giving and receiving of love as my property that I own and fear to lose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the fear of losing the love I have found in another is showing me what I have not allowed to be existent within myself and thus revealing and showing to myself that love has never existed within humanity – as we are busy searching and seeking to find it in another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look outside of myself for the expression of love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self abuse within thoughts word and deeds in the name of love when I exist as jealousy of another getting the love I have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define love as a point separate from me here and thus fear losing it if I lose the person I am ‘in love with’ because I have defined this feeling of love within/as another and if that person were to leave me – I will be without love and thus I conspire in any way I can to ensure I do not lose this love, without consideration of anyone else, because within this love I exist within self interest, and only worry about how I feel and how I can be better then others through not losing this love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my self abusive thoughts words and deeds about myself and projected towards others as love – believing that the reason I experience myself in this way is because I am ‘in love’ without ever seeing the ludacrisness within this – as love does not separate humans from others through back chats of judgments - love should be expressed physical in all ways as the living statement of ‘who we are’ as humanity equal for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go to war to keep the love I believe I have

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe love is a feeling and I must find and possess – instead of realizing it can only be lived and can only be real if it is experienced by all thus seeing/realizing/understanding that love as never existed, as currently this world mirrors a world of competition and greed and self interest – thus no Love

I commit myself to stop the possessions of the Mind in the desire for love – I commit myself to see within myself love that is equal for all – live this as a physical expression of Life that is here and thus being the example of how to create love for real in this world

I commit myself to stop all back chats of the mind that are abusive to me and others in any way, shape or form in the name of Love as I realize this is a mental disorder to abuse others as life through defining and justifying thoughts words and deeds based on the feelings of love

I commit myself to realize love does not exist separate or outside of me – I commit myself to find love within me and live it in ways that are best for all –where all live is seen and honored within/as equality

I commit myself to stop the mental disorder of the mind that seeks the illusion of love within self interest of love in another – I gift it to myself through self love and self acceptance, and thus stop the search for life and start living here in reality