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Showing posts from June, 2012

Day 48 - Blame and Anger from the Past

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My reactions within myself in relation to another wherein I allowed something that has happened in the past to define who I am here and how I interact/react to the person today. This will be covered in many posts to come.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at another for not being in my life while I was growing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto anger towards another for coming back into my life after so many years of not being a part of my life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for not being a part of my life while I was growing up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at another for returning to my life and believe they expect to be a part of my life after not being a part of it while I was growing up and blame them for this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume another expects me to be here for them to support them in their life because they…

2012: DIP into Guilt as Responsible for Another

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WRITING:
Recently I have experienced the feeling of guilt in relation to my father. He has recently moved back into town and not had the easiest experience. There was some time where I was not communicating with him and had no desire to do so. I was angry at him for not being in my life and for coming back and angry for thinking he was expecting that I should just be there for him and have a relationship with him.

When I would hear things about what was going on in his life – I would feel guilty. As I took the responsibility for how is life was going – what was happening to him. I knew he just wanted to be close with me and have me in his life and because I wasn’t doin that – that was the reason he was have a hard time in life. And so within this – wanting to hang out with him out of guilt – guilt for not talking to him, guilt for not spending time with him – guilt for what was happening in his life and even for ‘who he is’ within all of it. Like he might not be supporting himself t…

Day 47 - Using Math to feed my Ego

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In class the other day - I had reactions to my classmates and our attempt at solving a problem, that existed within both polarities of inferiority and superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior to others for my application of math

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior to others for my effectiveness in showing others how to do/apply math

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a ‘math tutor’ and get an energetic high within this as self value and a self definition and as a way to separate myself as being better then others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am separate from others when I participate within the definition of being superior to others for being a ‘math tutor’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as inferior to me and that I'm so much better then others because I ‘get’ math and enjoy it

I …

Day 46 Fear and the Limited Perception of Reality through the Mind

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cage myself within the experience of myself of how I perceive reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the reactions and experiences I have to/towards people and situations in my life,k believing that the reactions and experiences within myself as mind are my self as who I really am and thus - limiting myself to only those reactions/experiences and believing it cannot be anything other then that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to the imaginary world of the mind where I exist within fear and reactions to others and my world through accepting this within/as myself and allow this to direct me – instead of realizing it is ALL FAKE – as the reactions I have are the acceptances and allowances I have built in order to survive in this world – they do not actually support me to Live or to be Life – they only limit me here as who I am as the expression of life

I forgive m…

Day 45 - Self Blame projected on Another

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I saw myself go into defense and attack mode towards another within my mind. I had reactions to another within blaming them for making a decision that I did not necessarily agree with. I blamed another for their reactions, and how I defined them as not being stable enough to control themselves, and blamed this experience of themselves for the reason they made the decision they did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another for their reactions within themselves that lead them to make a decision I did not agree with

I forgive myself for not yet allowing myself to see/realize and understand the projection of myself that I am placing unto another for reacting and causing them to make a decision I did not agree with – why am I angry at myself? Where do I react and make decisions based on reactions and now am projecting the blame onto another?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to diminish another within my mind in an attempt to feel bet…

Day 44 - Reactions and Separation as Specialness

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Self forgiveness for reacting to another's words that I could relate to within my experience and the attempt to be special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to another's words about that I believed were in relation to me, judging myself based on their words as if I was being dishonest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as special within separation from life through seeing fuzzy haze and light around beings and objects

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire special skills such as being able to see others auras and energies as a way to be special and different from others, instead of being equal with all as one as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my seeing fuzzy haze and light around beings and objects when I loosen my gaze to be me seeing auras and energies and within this feel special that I was able to see things others were not seeing

I forgive myself for accepting…

Day 43: Pretending "I'm Calm"

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Tonight I reacted to seeing another had seen some of my videos on youtube. Here self forgiveness for the experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the idea of another seeing my videos

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself as fear to the idea of another seeing my videos, yet present an image of myself as calm and not worrying about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another was seeing my videos and judging me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within my videos and project them unto another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another seeing my videos and laughing at me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine and picture in my mind another watching my vids at a friends house and them laughing at me

I delete this image within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being laughed at for my vid…

Day 42 - Destonians: The Gang for Life

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I allowed myself to fall within this point of writing everyday. And have been given myself excuses to only post Journey to Life every other day – or at least that is the pattern I am allowing.

Yet I realize the point of this process, and the fact that we are equally walking the same process.

I didn’t know what to write about today, and so I took the dictionary and opened it up and looked at the first word my eyes focused on: GANG.

I had a reaction come up. “What the fuck – how am I able to write about this word?” I did this because I was giving myself excuses that I didn’t know what to write about, and so I chose to use the support I have been given by others, to just open a book or dictionary and look at a word – see what comes up and write it out.

So – I did this and I got ‘Gang’ – and I reacted to this world. I defined it as ‘negative’ and of no use for me in my applying freedom in writing or self forgiveness. Yet – already, within seeing there is a ‘negative charge to the wor…

Day 41 "I LOVE Life"

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"I LOVE Life"

This is a what displayed on a shirt I use to wear, bright yellow, with the "love" being represented by a big red heart.

That's how I wanted to exists, as "loving life", and everything was wonderful, and beautiful and 'all was well'. This is a delusion I wanted and chose to exist within and as - because the other shit of this world, I did not care to see, or acknowledge, and of course never take responsibility for.

So it was easy to "Love Life" - as I had a job, and a home, and was secure in the fight for survival. But what did this "Loving Life" actually do - blind me from REALITY. I was too busy pretending this world was so grand and great, that I could not see the suffering... I could not see the pain, I could not see the millions asking for help. I could not see what was causing the problems.. I did not want to accept there was a problem, I accepted the mask that said, "I'm ok, Life is good"…

Day 40: I Feel Dumb

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame another and define and judge them as an asshole because they kept correcting my English, and when I felt insecure within this, blame them for my experience instead of me taken responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as dumb

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as inferior to another because of my level of intelligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define another to be smarter than me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to another as being less smart and thus inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and another on intelligence level, instead of realizing we are all products of our programming and thus we are not yet all equal within intelligence and capabilities

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself on how I speak my words

I …

Day 39-Trying to Find the 'positive'

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Yesterday I had reactions to a person writing to me. I reacted to his blame and took his words personally and within this 'negative' experience, I attempted to 'find the positive'. I was accepting his reactions and accepted them as my own through reacting myself... and it was so fast from this moment I went into thoughts on how I could make this experience 'something good' within myself. Yet - I had already accepted the 'negative' polarity within myself and from this attempted to move to the positive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react 'negatively' to another's words to/towards me as defense and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and alloiwng myself to participate in the reactions of another to/towards me through reacting myself and thus believe his words to be true and then accept the experience of myself as not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept the doubt in another as …

Day 38 - Split Myself into Two

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Seems I did not save the last words I wrote – which were about a comment on youtbe that I reacted to.

This person was speaking about how she was experiencing herself within addiction, and then suggesting ways she will support herself within this.

I reacted to her words, I that I did not trust her. I thought she was actually playing with me – making fun of me and did not actually mean what she was saying.

So taking this back to myself – I can see I don’t trust myself. Because what I projected onto her was that, secretly she had other intentions. She was sneaking something within her self that she was not showing me and just presenting something else to me, in a deicitful way. I can see how throughout my whole life, I have done this. I have always existed within this secret reality of my mind where my experience ‘in here’/within myself has been totally different from what I present to the rest of the world. – And the fear of being exposed as such has been quite an influence in my lif…