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Showing posts from May, 2012

Day 33- Back Chats about School

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Class started 2 days ago – and I am already feeling ‘overwhlemed’ and it was based in thoughts of fear “what if this semester is not as smooth sailing as the last one?” “what if I don’t do as well this semester?” “how am I going to keep up with all my responsibilities and school work” “summer semester is more intense, can I handle this?” and then from here – fear and anxiety that ‘I will not make it’ and fear of it not going well. Anxiety and nervousness about not doing well this semester – and it’s only 2 days into to the semester.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not doing well in my summer semester of school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing back chat to influence and direct the experience of myself where I accept the experience of fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel overwhelmed after only 2 days of the summer semester based on ideas and back chat that define the semester as ‘more intense’ and thus then f…

Day 32:The Reality of Illusion

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I just uploaded a video where I was speaking about how within spirituality claims this physical reality is the illusion and gives much participation to the Mind Reality as if that were the 'real thing'. "The physical world is there to distract you from your reality, and your work is to overcome the distractions. Lessons from the Source"

I participated with this belief once upon a time in my Life - and so Self Forgiveness is required

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the physical reality as an illusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the mind as the real reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give more value to the mental reality within my Mind as if it were more real then this physical reality that is matter - real in every way as it is what is here - it is what i can see, taste, touch, and hear.. while the mental reality of the Mind only exists through my belief of it, my participation of…

Day 31: Pattern of Fear and Resentment Play-Out at Work part 2

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Here I am walking myself through self forgiveness of the situation I laid out in writing yesterday, so read for context.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘standing up’ for myself as myself when in positions of authority and responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear acting in ways that are best for all such as being responsible and accountable for positions of leadership, wherein I have been given authority to be a leader and set an example, and fall short within fearing how others will see me and fear them judging me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good with being an authorative figure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good at standing up for myself within positions of responsibility and leadership

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as weak

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect authority a…

Day 30 - Pattern of Fear and Resentment Play-out at Work Part 1

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Tonight at work – I saw an experience of fear, justification and resentment play out.

I was on a closing section – and so my responsibilities are to make sure everyone else is responsible for their specific responsibility during the work shift. Yet – I have always had difficulty ‘standing up’ and speaking up about these points – as authority has never been my ‘thing’. I fear people judging me for attempting to assert my position of authority – because that is what I do to others – judge them or have back chat about them for attempting to be an ‘authority figure’. Not always – but I have and can see why I fear people doing this to me – because I’ve done it.

Usually when I get to work – I start doing what needs to be done to cover everyone, and myself so that we have everything we need. “setting up for success” as we call it in our business. While doing this – I saw the list was up already for who was responsible for what during the shift. I mentioned to a couple of people, “do you kn…

Day 29 - Make Up as the Mask I Wear

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Before I found Desteni - I wore a lot of Make Up. A lot of Cover Up. A lot of mascara and eye liner and lip gloss. In no way could I leave my house without these things... this I would not accept. Because I did not accept Me - and I believed I had to make myself up into something better - for others to see and accept me.

This has stopped as I SEE the self deception.. yet points have arised here and there where I 'think' about wearing make up again, and so revisiting the point I was existing within and accepting as myself to show to myself why I will never go back.. and what I have supported myself to see in walking the process of taking off the mask and standing naked.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear make up to present an image to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my physical look as ‘not good enough’ and thus wear make up to make myself up into something better then how I have defined myself without make up

I fo…

Day 28 - Positive = Negative

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Looking back throughout my Life - I saw this world wasn't 'right', meaning something was off. Why was there so much pain and suffering? Why was I asking 'who am I' and "what is my purpose" - why didn't Humans know who they are and where they are? And so, I was on a search my whole Life, always looking outside of myself to find the 'answer'. I 'thought' I found it through spirituality - believed we could change the experience of ourselves to be 'only good', meaning I just had to feel good and I would create good. I believed this to be true for the world as well, that the reason the world was so 'negative' was because we as humans were 'negative' and we just needed to tune into better feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the world is negative because humans are negative

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe positivity is real and negativity is the illusion

2012: Relaxing as Attention Diversion

WRITING:

In the last week I have seen where I have allowed myself go into ‘attention diversion’ – where I allow myself to divert my attention away from myself and in this case, into movies as entertainments. In these moments, there is a point of “I just want to relax”, “I don’t want to do anything” and also, what I found while watching these movies as a form of attention diversion, is that I completely throw myself into the movie where I allow the emotions of the movies to take me on a ride, and when I get off (the movie is over)– I want more. One night not too long ago, I ended up watching 3 movies in row, because I didn’t want to face myself alone, and wanted that ‘excitement’ of the stories I was watching… I wanted to energy.

So looking more specifically at the starting point for wanting to just watch movies was the back chat of self –abdication, where there were things to be done, yet I opted to ‘give up’ and ‘let them go’ as to not have to face them – myself as the responsibili…

2012:DIP into the Delusions of "Love will Change the World"

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WRITING
In the past – I participated within the Secret and the Law of Attraction and within this, believed ‘Love’ would conquer all things. I really actually believed Love would change this world and could change individuals – yet it was never within actual physical ways – it was based on an ‘idea’ and ‘feeling’ you had to posses to be ‘good’ and ‘lovely’ to others – within this, believe others would experience the ‘presence of love’ and change themselves. I never considered who I was within the Mind – how thoughts generate feelings and never dared to see within self honest my starting point for desiring the ‘feeling of love’ as a solution to this world.

Within my starting point – I thought being “Love” was an easy solution. I did not have to take responsibility for myself, I just had to ‘feel good and share it with others’. I did not have to investigate my inner reality as the Mind – as through this idea of “Love being the answer to change the worlds’ I was in complete submission to…

Day 27 - Living the Lie instead of the Life as the Living Word

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I have been allowing myself to occupy myself and distract myself within cycles of self abuse - abusing self forgiveness through not living the words in myself/my reality and thus looping myself back to the same fucking point. It stops here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the back chat of “I don’t feel like it” when it comes to me writing daily self honesty and self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the back chat of “there is nothing to write about” as I realize this is an excuse and justification to not change the living of who I am as the decision of who I am and instead allowing the mind to be more then me thus separating myself as inferior to me as the mind – I stop this and commit myself to no longer use the excuse “there is nothing to write about”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to occupy myself within the pattern of allowing resistance to writing – I forgive myself fo…

Day 26: The Starting Point is the Decision of "Who I Am"

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I've realized since walking my Process - that who you are determines what you will do - and what you do will determine who you are. Yet - I realize I am not defined by what I do.. and tonight what I realized is this: The starting point from which "I Am" - that point from which I move within myself and my life... my reason for being, for doing, for acting, for speaking... my Starting Point is always "Who I am". And so is the Decision. Who Am I? What is my starting point for moving/acting/speaking/living? What moves me to do this or that, to participate in this or that? My starting point is my point of Creation - who I am as Creator... because from the starting point - births an outflow of where it began.

I had realized this tonight because the last 24 hours I had been participating in actions in which I was using to espace - to not face myself or my responsibilities and I realized - within the starting point of DECIDING to do those activities I did ( was just b…

Day 25: Forgetting to Breathe

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get lost within my my internal world when leave my home wherein I lose my effectiveness to remain breathing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define breathing aa a difficult application while outside of my home – where I am amongst people and things and stimulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself tobeleive that outside of my home where I am among people and many stimulations – that I cannot remain breathing and not push myself to remains as the breath as I walk throughout my day, no matter where I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my external reality and environment for causing stimulation that distracts me from my breath - instead of taking responsibility for myself in every moment as life - to walk self honesty as who I really as as Life = the breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as life as the breath when I lea…