24 April 2012

Day 9 - I'mPRESSing Myself on You

Today I started a veggie garden. I have been wanting to do this for over a year now - and so throughout the winter I was researching various sites and videos to gain perspective on how to actually do this. Simple enough. So today was the day I 'got it done'.

I now have a small garden box in my back yard with carrot seeds, and green beans, and tomatoes, and bell peppers, and scallions. Something small just to start me out.

We do not have the ideal back yard space for a garden - so I built a garden box. I found some random slabs of wood in the garage and threw myself together a garden box. Within myself - I felt proud. Proud of myself for getting this done. For being inventive in improving with materials and actually constructing a garden box. Then - family members came home and I wanted their praise as well - wanted them to be impress with me.

Seeking of attention? Desire for being seen as doing something worthy? Who was I doing this for in the first place?

Me - I did it for me because I wanted to - and I enjoyed it. Working outside, working with the earth - I enjoyed myself quite a bit - yet the reactions of "Look what I did" was not so cool.

Looking closer I can see the self definition of 'doing something good because I planted a garden' - and 'I am using my own compost to make this garden great' - and 'I am doing this for me and no one else in my close immediate reality is doing this for themselves' - so a sense of superiority within this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within myself after completing my veggie garden as the back chat of 'look at what I did - give me praise'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire attention and praise from others for completing my veggie garden

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect others to be impress with me for completing my veggie garden because I was impressed with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my ability to start a project and complete with - instead of realizing all it takes is research and action - no thoughts or ideas or self judgments about it necessary

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define someone who has a veggie garden as 'smart' and 'superior'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a veggie gardener wherein I then define myself as being 'smart' and 'superior'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself as the the earth and life as vegetables through imposing my self definition onto it as being superior to other life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect responses from people of 'good job' and 'wow - I'm so impressed' after completing my veggie garden

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my veggie garden as something spectacular and thus expect others to do the same

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a definition of myself within my mind as who I am within creating a veggie garden and thus have an image within myself of 'how I will look' and 'how I will feel' and thus expect others to validate this image within my mind and when they don't - feel like I did something wrong or upset for them not giving the feedback I was expecting - the feedback I had already giving myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse life through defining the veggies and the garden to be for me a self definition wherein i can exist as superior to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a veggie garden out of the desire to be seen a certain way - such as smart and impressive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to define myself with things outside and separate form me here in order to validate my existence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use a vegetable garden as a way to feed my ego

I commit myself to stop the need to impress people - which is another from of seeking acceptance - and thus I commit myself to accept me - live for/as me - and stop doing things for other people and the reactions to me. I commit myself to stop the desire of the attention of others being impressed by me

I commit myself to stop participating in the idea of the ego as the mind that I am superior to others and allow myself to realize this only reveals that i have defined myself and fear being inferior and thus present to myself this idea that I am more then or better then - when in reality I am only attempting to cover up and make up for the belief I have given to myself that I am inferior

I commit myself to stop separating myself within inferiority/superiority and Stand EQUAL as ONE with ALL in EVERY WAY - as I realize this is the ONLY way to stop all abuse of life that is currently here in/as this world

I commit myself to push myself to breathe in such moments where I allow automatic reactions such as seeking positive feedback from others

When and as I see myself expecting others to give me feedback I have already defined within myself - I stop and i breathe realizing I am in all ways projecting myself onto others when participating in thoughts/feelings and emotions - and thus I push myself to stop my participation and simply live here as breathing here

When and as I see myself defining myself as superior to others because of what I do or what i create - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the awareness that all is me and thus I am only attempting to be superior to myself - and so I stop this silliness as I cannot in fact be more then me - as I do not accept this of myself because I realize the abuse in attempting to be 'more then me' is my attempt to be more then life - I stop and get equal with/as Life

When and as I see myself using things outside of myself to define myself as 'who I am' within separation of myself as all- I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back within awareness of what is here - the earth - the physical - the substances that I am is who I in fact am - not these thoughts or ideas within my mind as the ego. I am simply here. Breathing as life - this is who I am - no definition required