30 April 2012

Day 14 - Changing myself to be in a Relationship

Throughout my life I can see how in every moment of finding a potential partner and actually entering into a relationship - I changed myself. I would wear certain clothes, and stand a certain way - do my hair and make up in a specific way... work out, eat less, and be available to them no matter what. Place myself in a 'less than' position - where I did not consider myself or who I was or why I was changing.. and only regarded my partner - what they wanted, when they wanted me around and making myself completely available for them. No hesitation - as I did not care for myself - I only cared for me being in a relationship, as I have discovered that Life to me was defined through having a relationship. If I 'had someone', I believed I was living.

Obviously I was not as I changed who I was in attempt to impress and keep that person around. In a constant state of fear of not being good enough and thus trying to be perfect, through how I pictured perfection in the Mind to be a physical presentation of what I saw in images of magazines and in the movies. I had to be this - or I would lose what I apparently have.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard myself and who I am through changing myself for my relationships

I forgive myself for never accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as who I am here as the breath of Life and thus believed I had to change to impress and keep a partner interested in me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not like who I am and define myself as not good enough and therefore change myself and my behavior and my demeanor in order to keep another interested in having a relationship with me

I forgive myself that I never allowed myself to realize that a relationship that I define as requiring me to change in not a relationship worth having

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within self judgments as who I am as not being good enough and thus attempt and try to be good enough in comparisons to the images of women I would see in advertisement and movies as being perfect - try to mold myself according to this image and thus get lost in the illusion without ever considering who I am actually and what I am attempting to gain through particiapting in such an illusion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a partner would not accept me for who I am here because I was not accepting myself as who I am here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear who I am here and thus project my fear of who I am here onto another that I would go into a relationship with and fear they would be equal with me in my self judgments and fears about who I am as not being good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not being good enough and thus believe I had to change myself when going into a relationship

I forgive myself for never allowing myself to realize that a relationship is not about possessing and owning/having a partner and believe I have to change in order to keep them interested in me - instead of realizing a relationship between 2 or more people is one of intimacy, communication and principled living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my appearance when going into a relationship because I believed my appearance was not good enough and had to change it in order to keep my partner interested

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear make up within relationships in defining myself as who I am hear naked without make up as not pretty or not good enough and thus live this self judgment through wearing make up as a way to be accepted by my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work out within going into a relationship within defining my body as ugly and not good enough and thus live out this self judgment through believing i have to work out in order to present the image of perfection within my mind as being skinny - believing this is what my partner desired

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what my partner desired from me was that which I defined as perfection within my mind - as an image of a tall and lean women with nice clothes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider only my partner within my relationships - not at all considering myself or what I wanted but only lived for my partner in what he wanted and making sure that I was there to be available for him

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to realize relationships are an equal exchange of self wherein both support themselves and each others as living equals

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my partners needs as more important then my own

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to later in my relationships resenting my partners for not giving to me what i give to them and end up feeling like I was being ignored or un appreciated because me starting point for that very relationship was without consideration of myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live to change myself so that I can be in a relationship with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I will only be accepted and thus able to be in a relationship if I change myself into what pleases my partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as a relationship slave - wherein I live to only be in a relationship and completely say fuck you to myself as I never once allowed myself to see myself - accept myself - love myself

I forgive myself that I never allowed myself to realize that my relationships with others are created and manifested within the origin of my relationship with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself to the extent where I did not want to be alone with myself yet desired a relationship to be that which I could hide within

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within dishonesty in believing I have to change myself for my relationship - never considering that the change that requires within the relationship is to stop living for another and changing for another - yet living for me as life and changing for me into that which is best for all - and this is stopping the self definitions and judgments that I am not good enough

I forigve myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not good enough

I am here - I am enough



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others through defining them as needing me to be a certain way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support separation within myself and my partners through attempting to live within the definitions of the mind of what a relationship is - based on my physical appearance and having to look perfect for them so that they will be attracted to me and thus desire to be with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe how I look will determine what partner I get and thus desire to look perfect as a means to attract the perfect partner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within defining myself through the way that I look

I forgive myself that i never allowed myself to be intimate, open, honest, communicative with myself and within my relationships - but hide within myself as fear of not being good enough and thus always put on a face that I believed they wanted as to keep them from leaving me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within believing I need another to live - instead of realizing I am here as life

I commit myself to create a relationship with myself of openness, intimacy, communication, honesty, trust, love, acceptance so that I never again manifest a relationship out of fear of who I am and being left alone

I commit myself to stop changing myself for other to desire me - but to be who I really am as the expression of myself as life in every moment

I commit myself to stop the the judgments of myself that tell me I am not good enough and desire another to validate that I am good enough

I commit myself to stop living for others and start Live myself as the truth of who I am - as Life

I commit myself to realize that relationships are reflection of who I am and thus use my past relationships as a gift of self reflection - to see who I have accepted myself to be and find the solutions that I can change myself within and into being a being that lives/expresses/communications/shares what is best for all

I commit myself to stop trying to change myself for another based on images in the mind of what perfection is - and I commit myself to realizing perfection is being here in every moment taking all life into the account of life - being accountable for myself as life - counting each breath as who I really am - seeing/living/walking equality with all here as me