27 April 2012

Day 11 - The Beauty System Demon's attempt at Defense


Yesterday while I just got out of the shower and was getting ready for work. My mom ran in to use the bathroom. I am busy brushing my teeth and about to ask her a question when she says, ‘god you smell so gross. It smells like an old man in here – it’s so disgusting, it’s because you don’t use anything’

I reacted to this by turning around and walking away and saying, ‘shut up, don’t talk to me’. I was about to go up to my room – but realized I was still brushing my teeth so when into the kitchen to use the sink.

I was reacted heavily to this – and within myself I was saying, “how dare she. I don’t use any products because I use to place so much value on them – and now I am showing myself that I can live without them’ I went into anger and blame ‘for she’s the one that values the beauty system including products used to change the way that we smell into “acceptable” ways.

She attempted to apologize – but I didn’t want to hear it. I was so angry at her for being a bitch. That’s what I was saying within my mind, that she has no clue. And defending myself and also felt belittled. Like inferior and weak – and felt like this is what she does. Defines me according to the way that I look and the way that I smell.

I wanted to say this to her, “its too bad you only see me as the way that I look and how I smell” I wanted her to just get over it and stop trying to form me into something that was more pleasing for her. I was quite in the defense mode.

I wanted to stay mad at her and ignore her/not speak to her as a way to punish her for saying that to me. To make her feel bad for making me feel bad. SO this is out of spite – allowing my experience to change because of something she said – and thus blame her as the cause of my reaction and thus wanting to punish her for it.

I can direct this back to myself within seeing that I placed value on the way that I look physical – and use to value a lot how I smelled – and had to make sure I had perfume that was pleasing for others in attempt to attract them or to envy me for smelling so good – and attempt to get others to like/accept me.

Then I went into fear for how I smelled. And feared that she was right – and I do smell disgusting and that others smell this and don’t like it and are secretly behind my back talking about it.

I realized later that she was agitated and annoyed when she got home from work – and she was speaking out of her own reaction. Therefore – it’s not for me to take personally – as she was attempting to project her own self anger/irritation outward and separate from her and thus I did not stand because I ended up reacting to her.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to mother because she said that I smelled bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger at my mom for telling me I smelled bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within/as anger as back chat of, “it’s your fault I smell because I Have stopped using products because of how much I valued them to define me and I got that from you”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger and defense at my mom when she said I smelled bad as the back chat of, “I wish you could stop defining me on how I look and how I smell”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior within myself when my mom said I smelled bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as a victim to my mom’s words as I took them personally – instead of realizing it was only my ego that was hurt and thus not who I really am – as I realized my mom was speaking out of her own reactions – I did not have to participate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear smelling bad because my mom said I did

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on how I smell

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as superior for not using products that produce a specific smell and thus separate myself from others who do use products

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as better then my mom and others who use products because I define myself as better for not using that stuff as I am more aware and not spending money on what advertisement and society tells me what I should be wearing/smelling like

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into the advertisement that says I have to use this product or that product to have a smell that is pleasing for others – thus attempting to live/please others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wear perfumes and products that produce a smell that I belief others will be attracted to and find pleasing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have to wear perfume so that others like me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the odor of my body naturally – in fear others will find it disgusting and not like me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the natural human body order that it produces to my disgusting because I have brainwashed and conditioned myself to only like the smells I buy in the stores because I have accepted myself to believe that is what smells good and makes me acceptable to others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the smell of my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself within projecting my self definition about what smells good and what doesn’t onto my mom when I reacted to her for saying that I didn’t smell good – instead of taking responsibility for my participation in the beauty system wherein we judge what is natural in the interest of consumerisms and buying into what society tells me smells good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as inferior to my mom when she said I smelled disgusting and in attempt to get back power and control – diminish her in my mind as being egotistical and placing more value on the way I look and smell then on me as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mom for the reactions I had towards her words projected towards me out of her own reactions and thus go into my mind within blaming her for my reaction of anger and inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to punish my mom through not speaking to her because of my accepted reaction to her words of me not smelling good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my mom to feel bad for saying those words to me because I accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt by the words

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to punish my mom as if she was the cause of my reaction – instead of realizing it was my acceptance and allowance to be hurt and take her comments personal – when I could have simply seen she was within her own reactions of irritation and thus did not need to participate in supporting her reactions as I allowed my own reactions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn and walk away form my mom when she said that I smelled bad as a physical reaction of automation where I did not want to see her or talk to her because I allowed myself to become angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for placing value on the way that I look and how I smell through products outside and separate form me here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need products to make me smell good so that others will like me and I will be found to be attractive

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am responsible for how others react to me – when I realize I am not – I am only responsible for myself and who I am in every moment and thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self responsible in the moment my mom said I did not smell good and instead allowed myself to react to her words and go into inner conflict with myself in relation to her

When and as I see myself reacting to my mom and others within my world based on what they say to me or about me in relation to the way that I look or smell – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back within the awareness of self as life where reactions do not exist – only direct seeing within realizing she was within her own reactions and so when I see myself reacting to a reactions – I stop and I breathe realizing this does not support her or me as Life

When and as I see myself projecting my self anger for value the beauty system of what is acceptable and what is not – I stop and I breathe – and bring myself back to self responsibility as the breath to be able to direct myself in such moments wherein I do not allow reactions as I realize reactions are of the Mind as Ego attempting to defend it’s existence

When and as I see myself allowing myself to feel hurt based on others words towards me/about me – I stop and I breathe and realize I am responsible for my experience and thus I stop giving away my power to another through allowing myself to ‘feel’ hurt – I realize this is only real as I participate in it and thus I stop as I realize that I can because the feeling I am allowing is not real and thus I stop particiatping in an imaginary world where others can hurt me with words

When and as I see myself attempting to punish another for the way that I experience myself as a way to blame them as the cause of how I experience myself – I stop and I breathe and realize this is abdicating my self responsibility as creator of myself and thus I stop separating myself as the creator and take responsibility and stop the spite within me where I believe if I hurt another must hurt

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within revenge

When and as I see myself attempting to take revenge on another – I stop and I breathe realizing this is absolutely unacceptable as I realize revenge is within blame and defense and so I stop blaming something/someone outside of me and stop trying to defend my ego as the self definition I have created – this is not real and so I stop supporting it/participating it and stand equal with all here as me

When and as I see myself going into back chat as blame and anger – I stop and I breathe and bring it back to myself as I realize I am not reacting to another separate from me here – they are merely triggering a point that already exists within me and so I take responsibility within investigate what I am supporting within myself that allows such an automatic reaction

When and as I see others speaking words directed towards me out of their own reactions – I stop and I breathe and do not participating in the cycle of blame and projection

I commit myself to bring all points – all thoughts – all reactions back to myself and stopping blame as I realize within blame I give away my power to change

I commit myself to stop the automatic reactions of the Mind as Ego in attempt to defend my existence instead of realizing automation is not life – it is a program that runs without my directive principle – so I stop and commit myself in wlaking the process of standing as/living as the directive principle of/as myself in every moment as breath – I commit myself to realizing this is Life

I commit myself to stop the back chat of the mind that attempt to diminish others when I allow myself to become diminished by others – I stop the cycles of abuse and stop the spite that exist within humanity as I see it exists within myself

I commit myself to reflect back to myself in all ways every moment of reactions – to see who I am as I get to know myself and how I am able to live solutions that are best for all/me