19 April 2012

2012: Dipping into Anger for lack of Attending to Self

Anger

WRITING
I find in moments when I am alone at home doing work – my can Ollie will come to me and seek affection. He will sit and stare at me until I give him attention. If I do not – he will meow and meow and meow until I give him attention.

In these moments – I find myself – not always – but have seen some moments – I become very irritated and angry – I become annoyed with him. And within this – within myself, I blame him as being needy and annoying and I wonder why he can’t just leave me alone. I find that’s it’s a burden to have to give him attention in those moments – I just want him to go away and stop his meowing. I tell him I don’t have time to stop what I’m doing.

He is very persistent in that he will not give up – If I am not giving him attention – he will walk over me – he will walk in front of the computer – if I move him away from me – he will come right back – over over me, and meow until he gets what he wants.

I can see perhaps this is reflecting to me – my cat is supporting me to see – that I have not been giving myself attention or affection. I realize it’s not my cat that I am angry at – it is me that I am angry at – so this whole points reveals to me that I am angry at myself that I don’t give myself attention and affection. Perhaps because I have always been so busy in seeking attention and affection outside of myself – from others – and so this suppressed desire for self affection/attention comes out as anger projected towards my cat who is saying “Hey – Give me Attention”

SELF FORGIVENESS
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry at my cat Ollie when he is persistent on getting attention from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be triggered by ollie’s meow to become automatically angry and annoyed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my cat Ollie as needy and annoying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as needy and annoying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become annoyed with Ollie when he is seeking attention and affection from me – instead of realizing that he is assisting and supporting me to see that I am seeking attention/affection from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought, ‘why can’t he just leave me alone’ when Ollie is persistent in getting attention from me – instead of realizing that within myself – I leave myself alone – meaning I believe I do not need attention/affection from myself and thus believe he should be the same way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself judgments of being needy and annoying onto Ollie – instead of realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as needy and annoying through seeking attention and affection of others – wherein if I desire to be intimate with someone – I believe they think I am needy and annoying – thus I judge myself as this and so I realize Ollie is showing to me this point within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself when I desire attention and affection from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to define my cat Ollie as annoying when he does not give up on getting my attention through meowing and walking over me and coming back to me after I have moved him away from me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beelive the desire of attention and affection I seek is separate from me as in coming from another – instead of realizing in all ways that which I desire from another is that which I desire from myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to give myself unconditional attention and affection

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept anger within myself for not giving myself attention and affection instead of realizing the solution is simple – give to myself attention and affection through honoring myself as life through/as walking with/as the breath and writing myself out – wherein I allow myself to see myself unconditionally and within myself giving myself attention to be with myself – face myself – be self honesty with myself and thus begin to love myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t yet allowed myself to in every moment attend to myself as Life – walk as the breath as Life and thus affect myself wherein I am able to change myself to no longer ignore myself as Life – yet live as who I really am as Self Love

When and as I see myself participating/existing within anger projected outwards separate from me here – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back within the self awareness of directive principles wherein I am able to see/realize/understand that this anger I experience is not about anyone or anything outside of myself – it is in all ways about me and my relationship with self

When and as I see myself participating/existing within the automatic response of anger projected towards something or someone outside and separate form me here – I stop and I breathe and bring myself back within self awareness wherein I have the ability to stop and see what I am allowing and thus stop my acceptance of this automatic response as anger and once and for all direct myself within ‘taking it back to self’ to see why I am angry at myself and to sort out the point so that I am no longer abdicating my self responsibility to have power/authority of myself

When and as I see myself seeking attention and affection from others outside/separate from me here – I stop and I breathe and I gift to myself that which I desire – which is affection and attention – I give that to myself realizing only I can. I stop expecting others to give to me that which I haven’t yet given to myself and thus I give myself attention and affection through being here with myself as life within every breathe and through writing – wherein I get to know myself and communicate with myself in self in – to – me – I – see wherein I am able to attend to those points that do not support me as life and thus have an affect on changing who I am into a being that is here within/as equality and oneness as what is best for all


REDEFING WORDS:
Attention

1. Gathering information:

a. Establishing self’s allocation point – defined as that which I receive from others – whether it’s praise or compliments or looks – it’s like this point of ‘receiving something form others’ wherein I see I have become dependent upon this. Instead of giving myself attention – I desire it from another. Attention to me also means I am ‘doing something right’ – and am thus worthy of attention and praise from others


b. Dictionary Definition –
noun
1. the act or faculty of attending, especially by directing themind to an object.
2.Psychology .a concentration of the mind on a single object orthought, especially one preferentially selected from acomplex, with a view to limiting or clarifying receptivityby narrowing the range of stimuli.
b. a state of consciousness characterized by suchconcentration.
c. a capacity to maintain selective or sustainedconcentration.
3. observant care; consideration: Individual attention is given toeach child.
4. civility or courtesy: attention to a guest.
5. notice or awareness: His deliberate cough caught the waiter'sattention.

b. Sounding the word – attention – attend to – attend to I – a ten shun – attend shun – attending to I

2. Investigate the information of the word that has been gathered

Does the definition within the different aspects that you have gathered as information of the word, carry a polarity charge (is it made ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’) I can see I have attached a ‘positive/good’ polarity charge to it


• Your own personal experience with this word – I can see I have experienced this word to be something that which another gives to me within defining myself as worthy of attention, as if I am doing something right enough to catch the attention of anoher
• How you have interpreted the word as ‘good’/’positive’ or ‘bad’/’negative’ Positive – wherein if I receive attention from another – then this validates me existence – I am validated as being ‘right’ and ‘ok’ with who I am what I am doing. If I do not receive attention – then I define myself as doing something wrong. That I am bad – that I am not good enough
• What associations do you have with the word? An experience of satisfaction or validation. Attention from others – whether it’s family or friends – Its that which I seek from others. Also – not receiving attention from others – I judge myself as unworthy and bad. Not getting attention from my parents I defined myself as unlovable – so there is this strive to be worthy of attention
• Do you feel better or worse when you are using or experiencing this word? Better – as in if I am receiving attention – then I feel good about myself and feel safe as I am apparently doing something ‘right’ and worthy of attention. So this work in essence makes me happy


Self Forgiveness on the word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention within a polarity of a positive charge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as that which I must receive from others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention I separation of myself here wherein I attempt to receive this word outside/separate from me here through others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as that which others must give me to validate my existence as being worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as an energetic experience of happiness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within the word attention as that which I either receive from others as being worthy or not receiving it from others and defining myself as unworthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself within the work attention as being that which I must receive in others in order to find myself and my existence as worthy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as something that which I fear not receiving
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my existence within the word attention
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word attention in placing it within the responsibilities of others to give to me this word in which I have defined it as something that validates my existence
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as that which I receive if I am loveable enough
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention as that which I receive if I am worthy enough
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself as the word attention through separating myself as the word through placing it within the hands of another – instead of allowing myself to give myself attention –attending to myself in every moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word attention within the complications of the mind as desires and needs instead of allowing myself to see it’s practical function to be that which one focus’s on without a polarity charge of negative or positive


I delete these definitions and stand clear within and as the word attention – removing the polarity of positive charge and allow the word to be innocent without memories or beliefs or ideas within it that do not support me or what is best for all

3. New definition

a. Creative writing: Attention – this is what I give to myself through stopping the need to validate my existence on others attention of me – whether I get it or not – I am not defined by this. I am still here. Realizing attention is a simply word to describe the focus on has on something or something – so in a way it is about being aware/attending to what is here – being aware in a position to give attention to that which requires attention. Within the attention of something – I am then able to direct it and change it into what is best for all. No more a self definition of polarity meaning ‘good/bad’, worthy/unworthy – but the practical functioning of directing what is here into what is best for all.

b. Writing the definition:

New definition: Attention – Attending to myself as life through breathing and thus being aware/self directive of myself in every moment so that I am then able to attend to what is necessary to be done here in this Life. To focus myself on living in every moment what is best for all, remaining practical in my living and giving focus to that which is Here – which is me as all as one as Equal



4. Checking the definition

a. Is there a polarity in the definition that I have assigned to the word?
Answer: no

b. Can I stand by this definition of the word eternally?
Answer: yes
c. Does the definition that I wrote represent what the word means?
Answer: yes