10 February 2012

2012: Accumulation Created Thoughts and Standing Up

I wasn't going to write tonight here... it was a thought that accumulated through experiences tonight.

I came home and went to read a chat. Mid chat - I decided I wanted to make a vlog - as it's been a couple weeks, and wanted to face the point and address some stuff of spirituality.

While I was making the vlog - I was having, or I have been having a lot of reactions/back chats come up recently in relation to it. Like, "I am not clear - I don't have all the points - I don't speak clear enough - it wont make sense, I can do a better vlog later with more preparation" And it's fascinating because my previous experience with vlogging was like, cool, here we go, no preparation - just speak and breathe and be here, and I was usually satisfied within the point. Well. getting self honest, it was usually me re watching the video to make sure it was acceptable to me. that I looked ok, I sounded ok, like I knew what i was talking about - that it made sense, and usually then I would feed this desire to be accepted by telling myself, 'good job - you sound good - you make sense.' Quite a mindfuck I have allowed, as I am currently now facing the polarity of my accepted and allowed behavior.

So I made the video and despite the reactions I was having coming up within me, I was going to place it anyway. Then my computer froze up and my web page closed - losing the video I just made. There was a part of me that was relieved - as I didn't have to then face the point. I told myself I would do it later - or tomorrow, and give myself more direction within what I am sharing.

So some things I can see within myself in relation to this point. Firstly, in the past, I tended to speak about things I was comfortable with and felt ok with how I presented myself - presenting myself in a specific way so that I did feel safe - instead of just speaking/sharing/expressing - and then letting go unconditionally any and all thoughts about the video. So something for me to become aware of - not allowing ANY thoughts - of any nature - to influence the experience of myself within sharing a vlog. No 'good chat' or 'bad chat' - simply silence in allowing myself to share what I have expressed.

Yet - within this - I can also see how I can support myself practically within this point to assist myself from going into reactions such as I had tonight. Writing out the point first - making notes for myself to make sure I am getting to the points I want to share, applying self forgiveness before I make the video to make sure I am here and clear before starting. I realize I am able to simply express what comes up in the moment - but what i have been seeing within myself recently and supporting myself within is self direction. So this is a point I can also support myself - giving myself direction through the vlogs I share - laying out an outline for me to follow to ensure that I don't leave myself unsatisfied.

So cool to see this. This was the beginning, however, of the accumulation of the thought to not blog tonight.

Again, my web page closed and I lost the video. My internet was being very slow, as I tried to go through some videos, and it was taking longer then usual to play them - so I became impatient with myself. This caused frustration and the thougths then rose up - 'fuck this, I'm just going to call it a night. I don't need to blog tonight, I've been blogging for the last 20 some odd days, I've done enough, I can skip one night. No big deal, I can't just got to bed and take care of all this tomorrow'. But what I see is that this point of writing a blog has become a stability for me - and within this idea that I wasn't going to blog - there was like a sense of loss. Or more so - I know I can blog - there is not reason for me not to - I want to keep this up. So the idea that i gave myself that I wasn't going to - it was like I was letting myself down.

I realize I didn't have to blog tonight - yet I saw my starting point for not wanting to blog was within the mind as a reaction. So, this is why I decided to blog, directing myself through the point in not falling for the thoughts - but standing up within myself in directing myself.

Some things for me to take with me as I walk - patients. To slow down, breathe, and be patient. Stop the frustration of things not going how I expect them to go - but to remain stable as things arise within my reality and my world. And see these points and events as support - as I was supported in seeing how I was allowing polarity to exist within my in relation to my vlogs. See how I can support myself more effectively through getting things done and supporting myself to be stable through directing myself within what I want to do, such as making a vlog.

Cool - glad to be here and for pushing myself to write. Until next time..