24 April 2011

Day 21 - Getting to know my Worth

Day 21 - and as I say, "It's my day 21 - I can't believe I made it" - just goes to show how much I never really trusted myself or pushed myself to do what I say I will do - or believe in myself enough to know I can - I am able - and I can will myself.

The Mind - as it exists - only judges. Observes and places it's opinion. Always has a 'back chat' - I thought or idea or picture or association for anything and all things within it's Reality. As I saw myself today, in constant judgment of myself and others. I breathe yes, to stop myself, yet, why are they even here? Why have I created this of myself? Because I have believed this voice in my head to be real - to be who I am - then am I not responsible for what those thoughts are specifically - what they consist of and how they are directed.

This is Standing Equal and One as the Mind. Taking Responsibility for what exists within me - because here is where Self takes back the Power to actually change Self.

It is impossible to ignore and look for only 'the positive' or the 'silver linen' - as this is only suppressing what is actually Here.

Within the Desteni i Process - this is what I am walking. Learning about myself as "Who I am" as the "I" on consciousness - getting to know myself in a way I havent wanted to see - in Self Honesty - and form here Self Directing myself back to Equality. Because currently - we exist in Separation of ourselves - as the Physical. We see and experience and perceive everything to be outside of ourselves - when We are the Creators. Creating this experiencing - calling the shots and making up the Rules. And all the while, blinding ourselves to what we are doing and 'pretending' we are unaware.

We know exactly what we are doing. We know we are playing a Game. And Until we stop - we will continue to deconstruct.

Through the Process shared by Desteni - I have seen so much of myself change - within only a year and a Half.

Yet - I know there is more to go. However, the way that I experience myself and my life is radically different - as I have been giving myself back to myself. Taking back my power. Directing myself to Direct my Life - and Standing for Something that actually Matters. Which is Equality. Which is an Equal Money System.

Being a part of a Group that Stands Together is our walk to Freedom - pushing ourselves to move ourselves into a position that is Best for All - to Bring About a Real Change - and Establish Equal Money for All.

WE Realize it's going to take time - yet we breathe Patients and Continue to walk. Knowing that we are accumulating what is Best for All.

I may 'believe' I am 'not good enough' or I 'wont make it' or 'its too hard', yet through the Desteni I Process - I have realized these beliefs are not real - they are lies I tell myself to not push through  - and I am grateful every moment I breath. Because as I breathe - I stop the fears - I stop the judgments - I stop the lies - I stop the deceit - I stop the excuses - I stop the Justifications. I stop myself and start over - Creating something of Worth - Something Worthy of Life. Which is Life. In Equality.

23 April 2011

Day 20 - Writing is

The moment I allow myself to write down what it is my mind is ‘racing’ about – and going over and over again – I experience release – and relief. 

It’s like the moment goes from tense and almost a sense of ‘too much’  - to emptiness.

Writing, self honestly – what one is experiencing – is allowing self to let go. It’s a way of freeing self from what self carrys as extra weight. It’s a way to see self – self intimacy.

Writing allows me to get out what I believe is too much for me to handle.

Writing is me pushing myself to change me.

Writing is knowing that if I allow myself to see myself as the words that I write – then I am able to change myself.

Writing is taking back power.      
                
Writing is being here.

Writing is directing self to become clear.

Write yourself out – Writing yourself to freedom. I mean – it’s specific in the words.

There is much freedom is writing – as you place onto paper/computer the things that exist within you. The things that seems to ‘be so much more’ then they really are, because as you soon as you write it out, it’s never as bad.
Writing is a gift to self, giving back to self the power to release ourselves from the chains we’ve clung to.

Time to let go. And Stand Up. And Face Self.

Time to see for Real. 

22 April 2011

Day 19 - Forgive and Let go

Day 19

Today.. was a day.

Supression day.

I wanted to smoke - and the thought kept coming up. I kept telling myself, just one, I will enjoy it - yet I have 'told' myself this before - and it always turns out the same. It does NOT taste good - and I end up 'wishing' I wouldn't let my thoughts direct me. And the thought kept coming up - and as much as I 'wanted' it give in - I didn't. I say no.

Which is cool - but then, I ended up going home between work - and sleeping. Then eating - but not as a point of physical support - it was to 'fill me up'.

Obviously I can see that whatever I wanted to suppress with the smoking - I instead used sleeping and eating to do instead.

And what is here - why did I allow this - what am I not wanting to face? Well, I can see there was some things I needed to take care of today - things on the 'to do' list. BUt I don't think this is what I was not wanting to face.

Simple responsibilities. Dealing with things as they come up in the moment.

I have written about this before - and here i find myself again.

I'm going to be all over the palce within this writing - because a lot is coming up for me.

There is a lot of self judgment about these writings that I do. I don't like how I come up with these titles to these writings - as if I am 'clever' but am not actually apply myself within what I write. I just spew words. But is there substance?

I know these self judgments are abusive and irrelevant and irrational. So I stop.

But perhaps look at why I 'feel' I am not being completely self honesty in these writings. Or that I'm not actually applying myself.

Forgiveness is Key.

Beucase as I carry all that i have written - I have not allowed myself to let go.

And this is what Self forgiveness is. It's allowing self to let go of all the 'extra weight'. The burden that we place on ourselves - the mistakes that we make, things we regret, things we know we could be 'better' with. Self Forgiveness to re-direct the point.

Because once I 'see' what i am doing - it's then to stop and release it - through applying Self Forgiveness.

Because untill I do - I will constantly bring myself back to 'the point' until I realize, the cycle stops when I do.

Forgive and Let go. Then Move.

20 April 2011

Day 18 - After All - It's about Self

Day 18

Just when you 'think' its the most difficult point...

Just when you 'think' it's too much...

Just when you 'think' you've had enough...

Just when you 'think' it's over...

Just' when you you believe something about the situation/the person/the reality - You discover, you were wrong. And that you were making it all up in your head. And you Realize... it's the 'breaking point' - the point we want to give up - is where We find the clarity - the freedom - the communication - the truth. Here is where we see for Real.

So don't give up.

Another point;

Just because I am not deliberately doing something - the inaction says it all.

"I forgot" is no longer a valid excuse - as I am not even aware of how I am deliberately deceiving myself.

Not intentionally putting things off - yet when I look closer, all I see is fear around these points. Another way to hide from myself. Which I no longer accept.

Just do it.

Get it done. Whatever action is required. Cross it off the List.

ANother point;

Deciding for myself - who I am.

Not depending on another to tell me what to do - but investigating for myself - what is the best solution for me  currently - that allows me the best foundation.

More specifically - Stop Looking for Answers - and Be the Answer myself.  Decide for myself.

I have always looked separate from myself for 'where I need to be, where I need to do, who I have to be, what should I do next' Expecting anything and anyone to tell me something - please decide for me, how to be, why to be, where to be, when to be.

No More. This ends Here. Realizing - only I can decide my own Self Honesty. Afterall - it's about Self.

Day 17 - There's a Will - there's a Way

Day 17

The Challenge - Facing Self  and taking Responsibility for what you see.

THis seeing is given by you or another. Yet the truth is before you.

Accepting what you see as the truth of Yourself- this is the most difficult.

Yet to take the response ability - is setting yourself free. It is taken the power.

But wow - is it hard.

What I have to face about myself = the truth of myself - I don't know how to communicate. I only know how to defend myself. My point - in fear of being 'wrong'. As a way to protect myself. My wall built high.

It's not 'him' or 'they' or 'her'. IT'S ME.


The agreement I am walking - is thus far the most challenging experience. Because it forces me to See myself for Real - as what I allow to exist within myself - who I am in my interactions with him - the games I play, the manipulations I maneuver - sounds like maneur - it's the shit I accept. A load a crap I carry - all to not face myself, as what I've created myself as.

Time to stop. As I realize this is not who I am actually - it's only who I've accepted myself to be. And even though it seems hard to change - its not impossible. There is a Will - therefore there is a Way.

And the way leads to Equality. Within myself - Equal Here as all As One as Equal. Realizing that self abuse - is abuse of Life. Limiting myself is limiting life. What I do to myself - I do to all as me as Equal as One.

I am don't tolerating my imperfection.

18 April 2011

Day 16 - Redefining Money

Day 16

Money as it exists - support abuse and inequality.

And as the human fears it - it only validates money's power and control within this World.

Yet what if the Human were to change this.

Into something of Support.

When the Human creates money as a Support for life - as it provides food, shelter, water, clothes. It provides Life to those that have it.

Why not give this to All.

Instead of allowing it to abuse, through our acceptance of a System that feeds the few and fucks the rest.

This System of Money is Unacceptable.

Our Relationship to Money is unacceptable.

As I was applying Self Forgiveness for my Relationship to Money - I saw just how much power I gave it to run my life. And how much I allowed it to Direct me in my direct fear of it.

Instead of seeing it as a means to support. Me. As Life.

It isn't Money that is the Problem. It is the Human - that defines Money as such.

Time to Redefine it very existence to that of Support for ALL Life.

Simple - this one Point.

Day 15 - Bring it back to Self - and Move from Here

Day 15

Seeing how back chat/secret Mind can assist Self. See it and Stop it immediately!

My back chat has been in an uprising lately - and it's specifically thoughts of expectation from others and when I don't get what I 'want' - it fires up with all these judgments and justifications for why I experience myself the way that I do. Hiding my responsibility to stop it myself.

I see how easy it is to exist in the Mind - because this is how we've always existed - and the changing to becoming the breath is 'more difficult' - yet not impossible. It's the 'comfortability' of how things have 'always been' as the accepted 'way it is'. Yet, I wont give up on myself.

Because I have shown myself in the past that I am able to stop and breath and no longer participate in this back chat.

I simply stop. Because if I don't - I know what happens - my experience of myself, with myself and my environment and others within my environment are influenced. I am no longer the 'directive principle', I am only the observing being taken for a ride.

Interesting how people say 'go with the flow' and 'take the load of least resistance' - when this only supports the current complacency that is allowed as ourselves. TO just stay the same and not consider that CHANGE IS REQUIRED.

Take the path of MOST resistance - and show yourself you can push through - and Stand Up and Find yourself on the 'other side'. Afterall - isn't it us that created the resistance?

So here to remind myself to Push through the Resistance. See what the 'mind says' and spite it in directing self - instead of the Mind determine the actions/movements of Self.

Bring it back to Self - and Move from Here.

17 April 2011

Day 14 - It's the Matter that Matters

Day 14

Thinking is separation - separation from what is Here as the phsycial Reality -where we are in fact and that which matters.

As I was washing a french press that I have at my mom's place - it reminded me of when I was on the Desteni Farm - where I first used a french press. I was in my mind within this memory, the different experiences I had with the french press and how I broke at least 1, very possible 2 of them while I was there.

And while I was thinking about this - within the Reality that is Here - that Reality I was separating myself from being within the memory, existing only for me, I broke the french press I was washing.

Interesting - because as I was separating from the Physical Reality, existing in the Imaginary Reality - I ended up breaking/ruining what it is I was actually participating with.

Just a small example and reminder for me of what it means to be within and As the Mind - it completely disregards what is Real - what is actually Here - and allows for the 'accidents' to happen. It get's no attention, and it breaks. It shatters.

Our thoughts, our memories - are only a distraction. Keeping is from paying attention to that which is Real - that which keeps us focus on what MATTERS, as the Physical Matter. And how delicate it is, that if we are not 'here' - not realizing what it is we are doing - we can so easily break it. We harm it. We ignore it - which will only lead to regret.

This is why I breath and use this incident as a reminder of Why I push myself to stop my participation with thoughts, memories, pictures and ideas within the mind that keep me from what REALly Matters. The Physical - the Breath.

16 April 2011

Day 13 - The Ego wins this time - yet I still Breathe

my partner had a talk – specifically because the night before we got into a argument about me saying to him that his experience wasn’t ‘real’ because he used the words think, believe and feel. I  know these words are specific – yet he did not like me ‘invalidating him’. He says he sees nothing wrong with thoughts feelings or beliefs/emotions being a part of the human experience – yet everything desteni has shared says otherwise. And I realize it’s not about what ‘they tell me is true’ the truth needs to come from me in self honesty. Yet – I’ve proven to myself that these things are not real – because I have stopped my participation. Perhaps this is what I need to realize. That if I was living these principles and being the example, or perhaps walking through these points as self will – then I would be able to share my experience myself. Then it would not be knowledge and information – it would be lived as me, proving that these things are in fact the delusion and the deception.

I did experience resistance to him. This moring I layed in bed and gave in to my resistance, arguing with myself about getting up and just facing him and communicating to him what is necessary – yet I gave in and just layed there, I gave in to the idea of myself, as the ego, needed to be right – to prove a point, and spite him with my inaction to speak. And as I layed there, I saw what I was doing. And I felt bad – there is guilt looking back now, because I realize that I could have stood up in that moment. Obviously – I can’t go back – yet will I realize within this moment again?
Same with my communiation. Time for me to realize that communication within equality, doers not need to argue or prove a point. Common sense sepaks volumes therefore I do not need to raise my voice – and I say this because I see why I am raising my voice. Because I want to prove myself. To be right and to prove him wrong. I want to be the winner. Yet, no one actually wins. Life suffers instead. And this is unacceptable. I gave in to many limitations today.

All this time writing this – I’m wondering if I can use these words for my blog. There is a part of me screaming NO! Too personal – to exposed. So – cool, I will spite my ego that tells me no and direct myself to be self honesty in all ways – not fearing exposing myself to all equally.

Pushing through the limitation and standing up for myself. Here is how we change ourselves, not take shit from the ego/mind and decide for ourselves who we are going to be. I chose to be someone who isn’t afraid to be self honest – for all to see. Hopefully it can assist someone else who reads this – perhaps they can relate and say hey, I see me here within these words, and I know I can stand up for myself too. 

15 April 2011

Day 12 - The Writing Process

Day 12
How about a little self Honesty.

It's cool that I've 'made it' to day 12 - yet I don't 'feel' any different. Perhaps I was expecting this writing Process to 'be something more' or create some kind of change within me - yet how can something 'change me', if it's not be doing it myself. This writing process is simply a support system - A way that I support myself. It is a tool. It is not something outside of me that creates something 'for me'.

It is what I make it. So what am I making it?

Something that I place my faith into in trusting that it will create something for me?

No - it should be me Writing as a point of Self Direction. Self Movement, me making the decision of what this Writing Process is for Me. Kind of like being in charge.

This is what it's about. To move myself within myself to direct my world - my actions, instead of it being something that directs me, or causing me to have an experience.

It's like placing my power to create in something outside of me.

So - instead, I take back my power to create myself. I say what goes for me - and what this writing process is all about.

Its support for me - by me. It's a way for me to become Self Disciplined. Self Motivated. To see myself. To show myself that I am capable of doing things - all I have to do is keep the commitment. Trust myself to do it - and just do it. Really, that simple. Make a decision and stick to it and do what is necessary to get it done.

Suppose that's it for tonight. Reminding myself also, again, always, this is a Process. Life is a Process we are Walking - bringing ourselves back home one breath at a time. Patients is key.

13 April 2011

Day 11 - Change is Possible

Day 11

So interesting to see today. Slowing myself as breath - being able to see who I am in each moment. What I found today, just a few moments ago actually - was this 'desire' to make a big deal out of something - more specifically I was attempting to 'make a point' within my agreement.

It was like I was 'wanting' to or pretending or attempting to create a point within my partner - and then try and discuss this point with him - as if I was concerned. Yet actually - what I was doing was attemtping to exist witihin limitation and pettyness and jealousy and insecurities - but through breathing and being here - I, in self honesty, just couldn't. It wasn't a big deal -

Hmm.. more specifically, the experience was like I wanted to replay who I've been in the past - seeing the potential to create a situation/drama, because this is what I usually do in the past, become annoyed within my relationship, and wanting to blame the other person for making me feel a certain way, or blame them for an idea I would have about him and someone else. But, even though there was this 'desire' to do this was there, I just couldn't bring myself to do this. I didn't see the 'point'. It was irrelevant, and saw how it was useless.

It was cool to see how I have changed, because in the past, I would have so easily created a huge problem between me and my partner. Crying, kicking and screaming.. yet, I just couldn't bring myself to play this out - because I know it's self dishonest and would have only been abusing myself.

So cool to see there has been change. And breathing assists in slowing down to see ourselves in moments where we would otherwise just 'move' without consideration.

12 April 2011

Day 10 - Self Direction = Self Satisfying

So today was cool - I was able to spend some more time I have been online - watching vids and working in DIP lessons. Mostly reading. And I have been able to slow myself down with breathing - and direct myself in moments of 'getting things done'. Specifically within the internet point - wanting to watch certain vids and rate them as well, support those that are 'putting themselves out there', catching up on going through my emails. Basically allowing myself to do what needed to be done.

Also, was able to push myself to complete a lesson within Basic Mind Components - as there is a sense of fullfillment - in that I have completed that which needed to be completed, so I am satisfied with myself. There is no sence of  stress, as when I am not directing myself effetively to 'keep up', and simply direct myself through the point.

I see how easily I allow myself to get distracted, like on facebook and with other things, aimlessly wondering the web, this is when I bring myself to a point of 'what am I donig', then a feeling of hopeless/helplessness as I feel 'lost' within myself, which is obvious because there is no Self Direction - only Self being led like a puppet on a string. So once Self Stands up for Self and Direct's Self to do something - then I am satisfied and stable within myself. So cool to experience.

Also, I have been experiencing more 'motivation' lately within myself - to push myself more within my application to be more persistance and consistant with myself, in breathing and writing. More of an 'urgency' or more so like remembering why I am Standing Up for Equality and Equal Money and why I am Here basically - Because this World is unacceptable as it exists, as the Current Money System Exists, as Humans exists - as Systems of atumation and Self INterest. Remembering that Who I am is in need of the Change, as I am able to take Responsibility for myself and Who I am - Realizing this is where we start.

So pushing myself to stay consistant with myself in directing myself within lessons of DIP/SRA, and writing myself out and with my Breath. Because through these means, Self Directing Self, is how we Bring about a Change Best for All - Equality and Oneness - Heaven on Earth. Step by step, breath by breath, we accumulate this into Reality.

11 April 2011

Day 9 - Lead by Example

Talking with my mom today about certain actions of another family member - I saw myself become angry and disgusted. I was annoyed and agitated because of this persons actions and those of other family members that continue to support her in certain actions she takes.

Yet what I realize is that - I have not control over who she is or what she does. Obviously - the power I hold is within myself to ensure who I am and what I do with myself. Yet I also realize that she is reflecting back to me things within myself that I havent yet taken responsibility for. Perhaps certain actions I am still holding against myself and have not fully allowed mysefl to forgive and let go.

Still - the point is simple. The Change I have is within me - and to concern myself with another's way of living and choices in actions is attempting to only avoid taking responsibility for me and also honesty a waste of energy. Because again, I am only in control of myself, who I am, what I do, and all I am able to do is focus on myself. Realizing that I am able to lead by example. Live as I would like to see others Live - this is what it means to Be the Change we want to see in the World.

So perhaps this is more specifically what is required to be realized - that it's not about me changing anyone else, but its about ME Changing Myself - who I am and how I live into that which I desire from others. This is what it means to take responsibility for Self. This is the PRocess of Self Change and Self Purification.

10 April 2011

Day 8 - Thinking = Self Interest

Have I changed? And is this Change Real?

Certainly a lot of my actions has changed. What I participate within and 'who I am'. Yet - to the degree that matters?

The biggest point I can see lately is 'losing focus' on breath. It is not within my awareness - it is not an action I am actively participating within. So what does this tell me? That I am in my head - existing separately from what is Actually Here - the Physical - and allowing myself to be 'lost' within the Mind - lost in Self INterest.

Because what are we actually doing while we are 'thinking machines'? We are only considering ourselves - and our Lives and the dramas that we create within our Reality. We don't consider this Greater Reality we All Share - our Mother Earth that provides us ALL Equally what the basic of our needs require.

Thinking = Self Interest, as it beLIEves what matters in the individual. And the individuals world, and the individuals friends, and the individuals Family - and the individual - In Divide U Hell. In Hell we are Divided as the I of Consciousness - as the Ego of the Mind seeing only what the Eye desires.

And we have allowed this all along.

It's so easy to see now - when one considered Common Sense, and starts to Question this Reality and 'who we are' from the Starting Point of what is Best for All.

Is thinking really what is Best for All - if this is something we have allways been, and the world continues to self destruct. And if the world is our Relfection - then can't we see we are Self Desctructing? Through being 'who we are' as what we have accepted ourselves to be.

This is why Breathing is Key. As it brings Self Back to Reality - to what is Real as the Physical - back to considering what is Best for All - Supporting ourselves as Life - All Life as ourselves Equally. Becoming Equal and One with and as the Physical - taking directive Principle in every moment of Life.

Breathing Quality back to Life - through bringing about Equality.

Imagine - If All stopped their Self Interest  participation within the Mind - and breathed Here Equally with All - what kind of World would we Live in? One that Honors All Equally - and Actually Cares, and considers what We are actually Doing Here.

This is the LIfe I would like to See - this is why I breath.

09 April 2011

Day 7 - Snap out of It

Day 7

"Snap out of It"

Why would it be ok to have thoughts?

Why do we defend ourselves as 'thinkers'?

Why would we accept a 'secret world' within ourselves - as the Mind - when this World we all Share is in the shape it is.

How can we consider it 'ok' to talk to ourselves within our MInds?

Why havent we questioned what this means?

How can we just accept 'our nature' the way it is - with out considering maybe 'who we are' currently is the actual cause of Why the World 'is the way it is'.

Memories = Entertainment - as all Thoughts and pictures in the Mind are forms of Entertainment - Distracting us from what is Real - from what MATTERS.

WAKE UP - We are the Reason this World IS - therefore TIME TO STOP. Stop the Separation within ourselves to Stop the Separation within this World.

08 April 2011

Day 6 - Get out of your Head

Day 6

And in Self Honesty - I don't want to be 'here', 'writing'.

Ok, that's not Self Honesty really either - yet it has been a long day and I'm ready to go home and go to bed. Yet - I had not completed this responsibility - so here I am.

There is hardly any resistances anymore to this - writing the blog everyday. There is some 'flare up' in back chat when I make the decision to go and write - yet for the most part, it's just a decision then an act.

Yet tonight, specifically - again I was in my head about, "not having anything to write about' - and I guess to be more specific, or seeing it a bit more clearly - I tend to give myself these justifucations and excuses when I am not applying myself within my application effectively throughout my day.

For instances, today I was not breathing much. I was just 'moving along' throughout my day, not really slowing myself down to breathe and be here with myself in self honesty. In this sense I was being 'dishonest' with myself, therefore when it comes to 'face myself' here in my writings, it's just another way I want to justify why I'm not applying myself as much as I know I could be/ can be doing.

Although - it is what I make of it. The point though is to become self honest. And Self Honesty would be to breath and not exisiting in an alternate Reality within my mind - but being on and equal Here as the Physical, as the breath.

So holding myself accountable here - because I do not allow myself to continue exisiting as this - abusing when I know I can be supporting Life. By simply breathing. Every moment - that is Self Honesty and that is how we bring about a Reality that is best for All. Bringing ourselves back to the Equality - Equal here as All Life.

07 April 2011

Day 5 - We Fear in others what We do Ourselves

Day 5

I had an ah ha moment today!

As I was walking to work - there were many people walking around me.

For every person there was - there was a judgment/opinion I had about them in the form of back chat (that voice in the Mind we beleive we are) - I had something to say secretly within my Mind about every person I saw.

I had never seen this so clearly.

Yes - I have seen myself form judgments and opinions within my MInd about others within my enviroment - but for some reason today it was so much more obvious. It was constant - and I was somewhat ashamed of myself for what I was seeing within myself.

And what I realized - one of my biggest fears I have noticed - is fear that others will Judge me - Fear of Judgment.

HELLO!

I do what I fear others will do - this is where the FEAR COMES FROM!

As we are the Origin - Cause - Source - that which WE allow - WE Participate - it's ALWAYS ONLY US.

So what I'm doing to others is what I fear others will do to me - when in actuality - I only fear that because I do in the first place - then that ASSumption comes into play.

We are the ones making as Ass out of ourselves.

Every moment we are reflected back to ourselves Who we Are Actually. It's time for us to take responsibility.

06 April 2011

Day 4 - Self Decides

Day 4

Establishing internet at my new place is slowly but surely moving along. Next week someone should be coming by to put it in.

What I'm finding is that when I'm not 'attentive' to the internet point - specifically with what I do online - things tend to accumulate in a way that becomes overwhelming for me and I am then spending my time going through all that has built up - taking up more time on that then on doing other things that also need my attention.

It's important to deal with things in the moment - as they arise - or else Self tends to find Self in a position of playing catch up.

Also, I am also playing catch up on the videos that have been placed and there is a sense of being 'out of the loop' - as I am at least a week or 2 behind. Yet, I realize this is unnessarry because Self is always Here - and if I am applying myself in the moment, breathing, writing, being Self Honesty, then there is nothing to 'be behind' in. Because I'm Here. The simplicity of being Here..

This is always why I am so grateful for the Desteni Group and what has been shared - and the tools provided, it is allowing me to realize for myself how much I have placed rules on myself on 'how things should be' - believing I have to color within the lines and follow the leader and 'do the right thing' - it's allowing me to realize that the game was written by us - and we are Here to Rewrite what has be written. Because separation and been written and it's a rotten existence - here it's time for Equality and it is through ourselves we Find this Truth.

So reminding myself it's up to Self to Decide who Self is. What Self Does - what Self Is - what Self Stands for what was Self is going to do within this Life that is Here.

Day 3 - Communication is Key

Day 3

So interesting point came up tonight with me and my partner. We both were experience a 'weirdness' between us - as one could call resistance. Something seemed to be 'off' and our interaction with eachother was not as it usually is when 'all is well'. Yet - either was in a position to talk about it. We both gave in to our 'feelings' and the ideas we were having about the other, and failed to realize that perhaps communicating about this would solve the problem.

So we pushed to talk after we couldn't deny the point anymore. And although it was hard at first, the point emerged that we both, again, were experiencing a desire within the agreement, in fact the same desire, and because this was not achieved we has created this idea about it within our Minds about 'what it means'. and assuming how the other person was experiencing it and having all these beliefs about the situation - which only made our experience worse. Because we then could not interact in the PHYSICAL - because we were too caught up in our Imaginary World(the Mind).

So Communication is Key.

And being Direct - to the Point. If I expect something from him or need something for him or desire something from him - then I should say that, specifically and directly. Obviously, he cannot read my mind. It's up to me to Direct the Point - and not blame him for what I'm experiencing if I am needing something from him.

Talk about it - to Figure out what is Real and what Matters. What is relevant and what is Here.

04 April 2011

Day 2 - BREATHE & WRITE

Day 2 Here

SO I got my internet back. Now we just need it at my place and we will be 'back on track'.

Interesting point today while I was driving home from work - I was on the highway, just driving along. When I found myself not breathing - so I then began to take some deep breathes to bring myself back, out of the Mind. As I was busy breathing myself back to awareness of myself, I noticed I drove right back the exit I was suppose to take. I then had to take a much longer way home. This is interesting because this is how the Mind Works. It is a distraction we use to separate ourselves, there involves no awareness of what we are actually doing - we are just zombies moving automatically - not directive self will involved at all - and what happens, is we miss the point completely. We miss ourselves. We end up having to take a longer route back 'home'.

Breathing brings is all back Here.

Once I got home, I was walking inside and I realized the last few weeks I have not been so aware of myself as the breath. So this tells me I've been in my mind.

And I can see this in the things I do and my experiences. Participating in conversations I know are not supportive to Life. Allowing myself to resist work that could be done - and then giving in to those resistances. Giving myself excuse for why I resist and that I will 'do it later'. Not keeping up with all the videos from Desteni and my DIP work - basically allowing self interest to guide me, not being productive for the accumulation of what is Best for All - but existing within the Mind of Self Interest - of what is Best for Me - Ego.

I have also not been writing.

Only here within my blog - and I have used this as my excuse as to why I haven't been writing - because i'm 'at least' doing it here. Which STOPS HERE.

I will myself to Push myself to do more then I believe I'm able to do. Realizing those without a Voice need a Voice - and that is why I am Here. To Stand up for ALL LIFE as Me.

So, Here to Remind myself to BREATH, and WRITE, because this is where I 'find myself'. This is where the Real Me Is. This is Where I find the solution to myself, and the answers I've been looking for. This is where Self Honesty is. Self Intimacy. Self Trust. Self Love. Self Expression.

03 April 2011

Again - Day 1 of 30+ Days of Writing

Let's try this again.

I sat down and wrote my entry to my blog last night, but not while I was online. I had to go to another location to get online - yet it was not as easy as I thought it would be.

I couln't connect - and then did something that now prohits me from even seeing wireless connections that are available.

So We start again with this 21+ days of Writing in my Blog Process.

No ecxuses, I saw how I wanted to justufy continueing with there were just 'technincal difficulties', and my intentions were still to place my blog - yet just because my intentions were there, doesn't mean it produces a result. Realistically - I could have considered doing my blog earlier in the day, and not wait till the last minute to take care of my self responsibilities.

I can see I do this alot within my Life/World. Moving this week, I saved everything to the last minute, taking care of things that need to get done, phone calls, SRA/DIP work, I save it all to the very end right before it needs to be done. And all I do is put more stress on myself. This is not self Honest. So something for me to consider.

I have no internet these days. It kind of sucks - because I spend a lot of time online. There has been a sense of guilt for not having interent, and being more visile online, because part of me thinks I've created this, as a way to not face myself or to stand up and take responsibility for the visibility neccessary within Desteni - the Group that Stand for/as Change - to bring about a World that is Best or All.

But I walk and deal with what is here. No need to judge or assume it means anything - but simply breath, walk, do what i'm able to do.

I at least keep this commitment to myself - untill I have internet in my new place.

I guess that's it for now.

Actually.. this is cool to start over, AGAIN, because it allows me to 're tune' my writing process. Becoming more self honesty - not keeping things so vague, but to be more specific what I'm sharing and to not fear exposing myself. It's getting easier.

So here we go again.

01 April 2011

Day 9 - The Body will Wake you Up

My body aches. And while I was working today - I allowed myself to slip into the back chat of constantly feeding myself, "I am miserable". "I just want to go home" "I should have called in"

My whole beingness - my whole presence was in a slump - and I could feel it physically.

What what do I realize?

Time to Slow down. Again, stop and slow myself down, because the last few weeks I Have been just running and running around in circles, needing to get this and that done - and completely disregarding my breath.

Lost in the Mind - Caught up in the World.

And so the Physical reminds me. Hey. Stop. Slow down. Consider the Physical - feel the Body. The Body that is You  - that breathes you and allows you to Live.

And to bring myself back to self Honesty. Not just in writing - but  in things I want to do on a day to day basis. Take time for myself. Consider what it is that I enjoy - and to do that.

It's ok to enjoy yourself. Be Enjoyment.


So here I'm thanking the Physical for the pain I experiences - the ache reminding my to acknowledge it as me. This is the Process we are walking in Fact, bringing ourselves back to the Physical - back to Reality - back to Life.