31 March 2011

Day 8 - Do you hear yourself?

Blogging - Day 8

What I see is people like to talk alot.

This includes me.

Yet what are we saying? Do we even hear ourselves? Do we speak out of expectation?

WE talk a lot - about things and people and words just flying out - looking for someone to listen to them - to hear them - to validate them.

Yet - do we validate ourselves? Have we considered hearing ourselves?

I work with a lot of people that speak just to speak. And what they are assisting me to realize is this is Me - and sometimes Silence is golden.

I no more speak because you expect me to.

I no more speak to support separation.

I stop and check myself before I allow words to flow from me - realizing my words are me. So what it is I am? Hear the words - what I speak about - what I think about - what I focus my attention on - Is me.

How supportive I am for Me.

Check yourself with Breath and Realize the words you speak Expose the Nature of You.

Dare to See the Truth.

Day 7 What exists is this moment

I haven’t done my writing yet today – and I see resistances in the form of the belief, I have no insights to offer tonight. 

Placing expectation or more so comparisions on myself from yesterday’s and previous writings. Like saying to myself that other’s got specific feedback – or I ‘felt good’ about certain ones – and so I desire for tonight’s writing to be the same. Yet – this is comparisions. This is competition. This is war. This is saying who I am here in this moments needs to live up to a previous moment I experienced, basically saying this moment is less then another. Which is unacceptable and I do not allow myself to believe in this. As I realize – within every moment in the potential of expression, and to compare one moment to another as needing to be as great or as creating the same experience within myself – is self deception and self abuse. Taking away Life here in THIS moment – allowing expression to flow freely, without concern of it being compared or comparing it to something else – when that something else doesn't actually exist. 

What exists is this moment. What is Here – as I type this words. As I breathe in – this is what is real and what is Here and yester day is over and tomorrow hasn’t happened – and therefore I stay here- in equality and oneness in consideration of all life.

Because anything else is separation and only allowing what currently exists to continue. This – I do not allow. I no longer accept this of myself, within myself or within this world. Therefore I stop and Stand. And express without fear. Without shame. Without comparing. Without this needing to be anything other then what it is – which is Here.

30 March 2011

Day 6 Vulnerability is the ability to be Open

I feel like I’m full of shit. Especially with this writing my blog. I don’t even remember what I write about. I tell myself I’m just writing in the moment – but is this real expression or self deception? Because there is this expectation for being self honest within my writing. Like why am I afraid to be honest about what I’m experiencing within myself. Like maybe I’m judging my own experience of myself, so I attempt to hide it and instead write in a way to protect myself so that I don’t have to be vulnerable. Because I can see where/how vulnerability scares me – but why should it? If I accepted myself unconditionally, it wouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. It does matter – yet I make it real through my participation within it. Allowing it to decide that I will not push myself to expose myself more or share myself more openly here.

Vulnerability is the ability to be open. To stand here Exposed without shame. TO trust in myself enough to say yes – this is what I’ve allowed, but I take responsibility and stop it and forgive myself. To have no fear of anyone else – realizing all are me.

So let’s stop presenting something that is not real – something that masks to truth – because this is why the world Suffers. We cover the truth of the abuse that exists within bright lights and pretty faces of the entertainment industry. And this is unacceptable. See how each individual participates in creating this collectively as the world.

I can see my participation. So I stop myself. And Change myself into and as Equality – as what is Best for All.
If I was self honesty – I wouldn’t fear exposing anything or all things. And only I judge myself. So I stop. Again I tell myself – stop the judgments – as they are only Self Created.

29 March 2011

Day 5 - Anger for resistances

I don’t write. I don’t want to write at all. There is like anger for having to write.  Because I am tired. And I still have to do a blog for today. My experience is that of ‘stuborness’ like want to just say fuck it – I don’t have to.

I was working on some sra stuff and I had many resistances. I could not find any memories specifically to this one thing I was looking for. But also I noticed how I was having these thoughts of wanting to give up again and not wanting to be a part of the group desteni and wishing I could just ignore it and go back to my life. 

I find that when I’m resisting something – I become angry too, like I don’t want to fucking move myself. Like I don’t really want to change and I get angry when I’m forced to do that. Which is bullshit. Which is unacceptable – and I DO not accept this of myself.
I realize that the more I push myself to easier it becomes
But I see how I’ve created myself to be so complicated and unnecessarily annoying.
I just want to go to sleep. And I’m going to let myself because I just got back into town and I’m tired. Yet I realize in these moments I am still able to push myself to simply breathe and be here. That is support and that is self honesty.

I tend to want to be hard on myself for not writing as much, but I realize breathing is just as effective with the purification process. Yet I also see how I’ve used the breath as a way to not be self honesty in writing. I’ve even heard myself say this, “just breath, I don’t have to assit myself in any others way’ which I also know is bullshit and I do not accept this of myself.

So – keep it simple. Push through one thing at a time and deal with what is here in the moment as it arises. That is self honesty.

27 March 2011

Day 4 - What do I allow?

Day 4

Getting ready to head home.

There are people all around me while I write this. And I see fear here. Because why? Because I fear what I have to say? Or am I still in judgment of it? like it's not relevant? but who decided?

I have already realized - me.

The only person judging this - is me. And so then it comes down to a fear of self.

What i find so cool about this - about this writing process that I have been exploring - of just writing without any sense of 'purpose', but just writing it out whatever is here, is that it is assisting me to stop fearing myself. To stop believing in the fears that i do experience or judgments or projections I place onto others - so I'm realizing it's about me, here, as who I am, what I allow and what I am willing to take responsibility for.

I'm learning how to let go.

I'm learning how to trust myself

I'm learning how to take responsibility

I'm learning how to stand up

I'm learning about myself. About who I've been and who I actually am. Through seeing as the words what is possible.

In letting go and writing here - I'm realizing that life is potentional. Now it's just to Live it as me. And an expression of myself. And to realize that Life may be potentional - but unless it is Lived, every moment of a Stand as myself - it's not real. It will never be real - it will only be words. empty words.

Still letting go and realizing that Nothing can of 'distraction' - unless I allow it. Yes, I am really that powerful.b

Day 3

Day 3

What I know - it what I think about others.. is a reflection of me.

What I know - what I assume of others - is a reflection of me.

What I know - what I fear in others - is a reflection of me.

What i see is a reflection of me. What I judge is a reflection of me. What I think about is a reflection of me. What I care about is a reflection of me. Simple. A Reflection showing me every moment who I am - and what I allow within myself. My responsibility.

Because it's me who perceives what which I see. Therefore who is the Creator? And who creates what is seen? Me.

Sometimes I don't believe myself. Like now.. as I wrote the above - the voice in my head said, "your full of it".

The above writings where here - an expression of myself, in self trust to just write. No plan or preparation - just typing. So why judge? Because I went into my mind about how others who read this - and what they would think about it - and then judged myself for not being more self honest - and judged myself for simply expression.

I stop this.

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as expression
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself in the moment of writing
I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a plan or a topic to simply write
I forgive myself that i haven't yet allowed myself to unconditionally express myself here as writing
I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others perceive my writings instead of realizing it is only me not taking responsibility for myself and my own self judgments so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself here in writing
I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need a topic to write about before I write
I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe self expression is something I plan
I forgive myself that i haven't yet allowed myself to express myself in every moments as who I really am, trusting that I am here and expressing as life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my mind believe this voice is real and therefore causing a movement of limitation and censorship
I forgive myself that i Have accepted an allowed myself to judge myself as self forgiveness
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I am as expression

I allow myself to trust myself in writings.
I allow myself to tryst myself as self forgiveness
I allow myself to move myself as expression without judgments

I trust myself to be here.

25 March 2011

Day 2

Breathing is the best medicine. Although... I see how easy it is to become overhwelmed with a situation. I am in Kentucky, with my partner - who is meeting my dad and his family - who I have not spend a lot of time with - and I have experienced nothing but major reactions today. Projections of judgments onto him, fear of being judged for who my family is, becoming nervous is moments and acting from this starting point - in stead of simply being here, breathing, allowing myself to trust myself in the moment.

But I can't help but ask myself, why am I here? What was the point? Is this a decision that supports me unconditionally and others.

It can be if I allow it to support me. Use this experience to see where I'm reacting and what it is that is causing this - why do I allow this within myself - where does it originate?

Here it is - THE experience I have - is this chaos outside of me. Showing me the chaos within. It's coming from all directions and I feel 'taken a back'.

So slowing myself down to get back to simplicity - and keeping myself here for consistency. Supporting myself. Bring it back to breath. Write it out. Let it go. Keep myself in the moment - knowing that is what I am able to 'handle'. That is where I find myself stable.

Till tomorrow

24 March 2011

Day 1 - And again

So when I got home I went straight to bed. And slept all night.

Woke up and realized I didn’t write my blog. First I told myself that I could just continue without starting over because it was still early enough. Then I told myself, no I have to start over. But I really did not want to start over. Because I have already made it this far. So I guess there is some disappointment in missing it. Like, fuck, now I have to start over. But what’s the big deal. I’m blogging for life – to support myself and others and life and to redesign myself. To change myself. To see what is really hear. But I see there could be more self honesty. More humbleness. Less fear of exposing myself and start just revealing the truth. Yet when I say these things or when I make a statement – I seem to always make a hypocrite out of myself. To prove myself wrong, because within days, I will do exactly that which I say I wont. Or take an action I know does not support me. 

Thus the Process of Self Change. Seeing where I can be more Self Directive - more Self Honesty - more Self Willing. More stable within myself to see these moments of resistances and push through.

So I start again with this blogging point. Until I realize I must be the directive principle.

23 March 2011

It's up to Us

Day 9

And we continue.

And I 'feel' unstable.

And the reason.. no breathing.. only thinking.

This creates unstability within myself. Because I'm not here, I am 'there' within my mind, within self interest, within fear, and anger, and jealousy, and pictures, and thoughts, and voices and judgments and opinions and words and...

and is it worth it?

No. It's never worth it, because once I bring myself back 'here', back to myself as the breath, I can experience within myself separation. I experience a lostness where I become overwhelmed or hopeless or whatever it is.

It's not a directive action - it is a giving up on Self - on Life.

Existing within the Mind is disregarding that which is Real. That which keeps me alive - that which allows me to Live - that which is me as Life.

That is Self Honesty.

So, it's either being Self Deceptive, disregarding ourselves as Life, existing within our Mind as thoughts and memories and projections of the future - a Separate Reality where only the the Interest of Self is Considered.

I do not accept this of myself. I tell myself, 'its hard to be aware every moment' but this is just an excuse to not take responsibility. Because all it takes is a breath. In and out. This is where I am as awareness. And when I'm not aware of myself - I participate in things I know do not support myself or others or Life here Equally.

Today I participate in much of myself as the Mind. Communicating with others without awareness at all. 'Going with the flow' of the conversation - and the conversation is always the same.

We as humans talk shit. That's all we talk about. We do not consider ourselves or eachothers. We are in a constant state of war with eachother. Name calling and point out what others are doing wrong, and seeing only the shit we refuse to take responsibility for in ourselves.

And I'm tired of this. And I'm tired of participating. Because this takes energy. Specifically- it takes Energy from the Physical - and then we have the result we can see in the World. Over consumption and abuse and war and starvation and Life not being lived with Dignity.

So reminding myself this is why I am walking this Process. This is why I breath. This is why I stop. This is why I consider who I am and the words I speak and the values I hold, and I have to ask myself - is it worth it?

Am I willing to allow myself and this world to continue as it does - existing the same and expecting different results? That is the definition of insanity. Madness.

It's not Worth it. Life is worthy - and we have not honored ourselves as Life... yet. Time to start, because we are the Only Ones that can Change ourselves and we are the Only Ones that can change this World.

And we do this through Practical Applications - Real Solutions. Breathing. Writing ourselves out. Forgiving ourselves, Stopping and Changing. This is our only option. This is what is Best for All.

So Patients with Self, but persistence with Self to Start over. Every Moment. Here.

22 March 2011

Because ALL are Here Equally

Day 8

It's amazing what can happen within communication. When we open ourselves to more then what we have allowed.

There is a person within my world that I have had many resistances to. Maybe not ones that stick out to be so obvious to me like, hey, here is super reaction, or anything like that, but I can see where 'back chat' within the Mind existed. Always have a thought about her, or become annoyed or irritated or impatient in her presence. My mind always telling me it was irrelevant to stop and talk.

Then - the situation was 'forced' for me to face. She came to me, overwhelmed and in tears. And so we talked. and I breathed. And I just listened.

I tend to want to talk and spew and talk and give advise and talk and not let the other person realize for themselves, but me just wanting to preach preach preach my all knowings. (I know this is ego - I know this is part of my programming - something Ive been becoming more and more aware of).

So I just listened. This is when I become impatient. This is when I want to 'run away' - as in Leave the situation because I tell myself there is no 'point'. Yet, this is taking Direction as the Mind, being a slave to a thought or a voice in my head - instead of breathing and deciding for myself what I will do.

So I stopped, and breathed. and stopped and breathed. and she kept tlaking. And talking and talking and talking.

And I realize, the point was that she's aware. The communication is not 'pointless' because we are equal. And she is just as valuable as anything else I value.

This assisted and supported me to realize that I'm not the Only 'One'. That there is more, and others, that have realized for themselves - things of themselves - and I am not more or better then anyone. Only within my Mind am I - the Eye of Self Interest.

So cool support, and humbling communication.

That's it for tonight. Reminding myself that all are one - as equals, all Are in this together. All are here to support and be supported. Because All are Here Equally.

21 March 2011

Day 7 - Simply Stop

Day 7

And we write.

So who else is responsible for what I experience?
Who decides how I feel?
Who determines where I go?
Who  allows me to move?

Who has created this for me?

Me, only me.

And what do I do with myself?

I see how I create wars in the world.
Driving on the road - it's always the 'other guys fault'.
Looking at another - comparing myself as more or less.

These 2 points specifically are obvious in my experience. And yet, it's almost like I seek it out intentionally.
More so the comparisons. Partaking in behaviors/actions that create comparisons within myself - then attempting to justify myself with excuses as to why I am better.

All of this done in the secrecy of my own Mind.

And then fear for others finding out. ALong with shame for doing what I do.

When knowing all along, it's ME doing what's being done. Existing as is. Creator=Created=Creation.

Time to take responsibility. Time to stop. Time to try something new - because this just isn't working for my anymore.

Take it to the point where you get fed up. Where you get filled up and need it no more. Or.. simply Stop.

I simply stop.

19 March 2011

Day 6 = Free Write = Freedom in Writing

Day 6

Here we are again.

Surprising myself with this.

Still pushing to walk this through.

And every day it becomes easier.

I like this writing style. Yet careful not to 'feed myself' with it.

It's easy to talk ourselves up. Or down. Or to do this or that. We have to talk to ourselves to make up our minds?

Ding ding ding.

We are the creators of the make up we wear as the Mind.

Have you heard yourself today?

I have - and boy do I have a lot to day. Yet not out loud - secretly it's 'there', private in the space above my eyes.

Seems to easy.

Yet I've found that this is deception. This is the destruction. This is the path to end life - existing as the Mind.

And thus a Walk to Freedom - a Walk to Birthing of LIfe.

Regaining and Re Membering who I am Here without Conditions and Self Definitions.

Re Membering my place in Equality.

Equal - As All as One as Equal. Equal as Life. All that is Here.

No need for a pretty picture to be painted - only needed those to RealEyes who we Are - what we have given ourselves up to - and how to bring ourselves Back.

And so we walk.

18 March 2011

Day 5 - Do you Fear this World?

Day 5

What can I say.

I don't watch the news. I don't really read the news either. Why?

Is it because I don't make time for it?

Is it because I believe it to be irrelevant?

I can say honestly because for awhile I was walking around with this beLIEf that  watching the news - especially American News - was only 'fueling the fire' - meaning = watching the news, and seeing how fucked up this world really is, and see one disaster after another, and seeing the hopelessness and the helplessness - I thought - watching this is only creating more of this.

yet I realize I was not being Self Honest. I was being Self Deceiving - Deceiving myself in believing that that wasn't me. That it had nothing to do with me - or that somehow it was separate from me and my Life - like it was it's own separate Reality.

This is how we have created this Inequality in the World. We have failed to see how the 'greater Reality' as the World, is actually a Reflection of who we are Here. Who each one is as an individual, living their individual lifes - not realizing what we've created.

So I would look at this News and say No. No to seeing the truth of this Reality. Of what actually Exists - to Face what is Really Here.

And it's not about watching the News and Reacting - yet it is to See the Truth and thus Realize there must be a Solution.

And that Solution starts with Us. With who We are. What what We do.

No more Fearing the World and re-creating the same = fear, but Time to See the Truth of the MATTER, and  Change it, Once and for All.

This is where I consider who I am.

Why have I resisted seeing/watching/reading the News? Because I'm afraid to see what's being Relfected back to me?

No more. I do not allow this of Myself.

So Here I push myself to face myself, and this World - Realizing that as we walk towards a Solutions, we must first see what We have done in order to never again allow what's been created back into existence.

Time to take Responsibility.

17 March 2011

Day 4 - Writing is for Me

It doesn't get any easier.

Although - I could say so.

I didn't want to write again tonight - because apparently "I don't have anything to say"

I ate a fortune cookie tonight that read, "Writing is a craft not an art"

Interesting.. because this is true. At least for my experience.. within these blogs and my starting point for sharing myself.

I write to sort myself out. To express myself. To share what it is that I am experiencing, to show others we are equal. To be disciplined with myself. To push myself to do what I haven't done before. To challenge myself. To open myself up in trusting myself. In showing myself that I don't need others to feel any way - I just need me. 

And writing is starting to become this for me. Something I can count on - something I can trust in. A focus point I can always bring myself back to. 

And I remind myself that I am making up the rules - that I need not follow any guidelines but my own. - This is Self Honesty. Instead of living in fear of the punishment I might recieve, or assuming things have to be done this way or that way - Freedom Here in Expression.

No rules. No lines to stay in. No police man in my head. Just allowing myself to be here as the fingers as the keys typing me out here for all to see.

No Shame. 
No hiding. 

And I need not be anything I'm not. 

I am simply here. Expressing. Sharing. Showing myself as who I am Here. 

Here is acceptance.

And Gratitude. 

16 March 2011

Day 3 - Self Honesty

Self Honesty

I tend to give more of myself to another and then blame them for taking it

I tend to cry because you don't care when it's me feeling sorry for myself

I tend to lean on you for support because I haven't yet learned how to Stand on my own 2 feet

I tend to extend the truth

I tend to desire being more then I am and painting the picture as such - wishing I was different, not realizing in this I am not accepting myself Here

I tend to make it more then it needs to be

I tend to cry wolf

I tend to get lost in my thoughts as if they were real and then become overwhelmed as if I don't know I am able to stop

I tend to not trust myself - therefore I refuse to trust others

I tend to hide behind my walls

I tend to exaggerate what is here - as if it weren't enough

I tend to write in moments - without knowing what it is I'm going to write - and then judge what comes out.

What does this tell me? I have always judged myself, the I that has always been here, wanting to come out, wanting to express, wanting to Stand Up and say Hey, listen Up, look at what your doing. Who are You? Why are you doing what Your doing - don't you think there's more then this - this thing we call Life. Don't we see our Equality?

I breathe, I write, I stop.

I breathe, I stand, I walk

I breath, I trust, I allow

I let go.

15 March 2011

Day 2

I almost forgot to come here and write. How conveinent that would be for me.

So today was tough. Tough in my allowance - and I allowed much resistances and emotions within my experience.

I am starting the realize the importance of Self Honesty - in doing that which is true for Self, and in my case, it's my SRA work and relating that to time with my partner.

I tend to in the past and some moment's currently I see is coming back, where I find myself not being able to balance myself in relation to my relationship/agreement with my partner, and my relationship/agreement with myself.

I didn't realize this was the point - but it is. I realize it's just as important for me to be with myself, doing the things I need to do, taking care of the responsibilities that I have, spending time with myself, being comfortable with myself, because ultimately, I am always with myself, so if I am not able to be with myself unconditionally, then how can I expect to be with another. I can't. The Equation always starts with me.

So, I tend to say F U to myself, in the things I need to do, the responsibilities that I have, and focus all my attention onto the other person. Like giving up completely myself to this agreement, which I can see is not Self HOnesty. It is not, because then I find myself in moments where I'm conflicted with things I need to get done and then this desire to stay with my partner.

I could be more specific here.

I told my partner today I would be working on my SRA stuff, because I have been putting it off, and I needed to get it done. Which was fine, and the plan was to start in after breakfast, so we would not be spending the day together. Well then I decided that I wanted to stay a little longer with him.  SO I did. Yet, after a bit, he started planning to all this other stuff, and I found myself and my experience to be very unpleasant. I become like impatient and like resentful towards him for 'wasting time' - when I know in fact the point here for me to see is that I am resenting ymself for not being self hoenst in moments where I decide to allow self interest to guide me to focus and spend all my time within my agreement, and completely disregard myself and my work and other things I need to get done. So when I do not allow myself to be self honesty and take care of the things I need to take care of, I become angry and resentful... all showing me that i'm being dishonest.

I feel like this writing is all over the place.

The point also being, to make a decision and stick with that decision. Take care of mySELF, and not be concerned about 'hurting' the other person. Because I realize that this is a belief and an excuse I use to justify my dishonesty. I use my partner and the potential of him being upset with me for not wanting to hang out as a way to justify my reasoning for not doing work that could be done.

It comes done to Me.
Being Self Honest and finding practical ways to support myself with doing what needs to be done. Balancing the equation and not spreading myself so thin. Realizing that when I support myself in Self Honesty, I am doing what is Best for All.

14 March 2011

Establishing Self Here

Starting the Writing Process Here.

Fresh - new in every Moment, breathing a New Moment here where I can always start over, and re create myself into that which is dignified - that which is Real - that which is Self Honesty - that which is Self Disciplined - Pushing myself through to face myself as my fears and worries and anxieties - realizing they are not Real. Trusting myself to see how I have deceived myself and then forgiving myself for allowing such abuse within myself.

I am Here - and I am Grateful.

Today I start a Process of Self. Self Responsibility, Self Intimacy, Self Love, Self Trust, Self pushing Self to be something more then Self has allowed of Self. And no longer allowing Self Judgement or Self created Anxieties to decide who I am. Because I realize I am Here Constantly every moment of Breath. And so I breathe.

21 + days of writing here. Exposing myself - my experiences, my thoughts, my desires, my troubles, my strengths, my weakness, my standings my falls - Exposing myself in Self Honesty, and Finding a Solution within myself - to Myself. Finding Stability and Trust. Finding the Truth of Myself. One word at a time. One blog at a time. One breath at a time. And I walk.